How to tell friend who is struggling with fertility. Advice please!

[RandaPanda]

Hi ladies,

There is another similar thread about telling a TTC friend you're pregnant, but I didn't want to hijack it, and my situation is a bit different, so hoping to get some advice. Okay, here's the lowdown...

DH and I have been overseas for the past year and haven't seen any friends or family from back home. We are moving home mid-July, at which point I will be just over 19 weeks. 2 days after we get back, there is a welcome home BBQ for us with a bunch of our friends and family. We aren't telling anyone (including our parents) until we get back. Then we're surprising our friends with the news when we show up to the BBQ. We're really excited, but it dawned on me that one of my friends and her partner (also female) have been doing AI and fertility treatments and have had a lot of difficulty (a late loss last year, and now struggling to get pregnant since). I know it's caused them a lot of pain, and though I'm so happy and excited to share our news in a big way, I don't want to make them feel worse by showing up at the BBQ with my surprise bump. But at the same time, I don't want to tell her before I tell my mom and the rest of our family the day we get back. What I'm hoping is to ask my friend out for coffee the day in between our arrival home (when parents will find out) and the BBQ (where rest of close friends and fam will find out) and tell her the news then in private. Thoughts? She's so kind, and I know she'll be happy for me, but I know that when friends get pregnant, it can stir up other feelings too. For me, even though I was waiting to TTC by choice, it always stung a tiny bit when I would find out that yet another friend was expecting (even though I was also thrilled for them, if you know what I mean), so I can only imagine how it might feel for her since they've been actively trying for more than a year. Thanks for your advice

 

[LadyHutch]

Personally, I'd skype her. I know you want to tell your parents first and that is understandable. But I'd likely go ahead and give her the news so she has plenty of time to process it. Tough call.

I have a sister who gave up after 12 or so years of ttc. Its still hard to tell her. She is going thru a breakup now so I haven't told her yet. I asked my mom for advice and she agreed...wait til 8-10 week to tell her. We are very close so it is very difficult not telling her everything. =/

 

[misspriss]

I struggled with how to tell my sister who was LTTTC and still struggling with unexplained infertility. I ended up texting her before I told anyone else but my husband, because I didn't want her to accidentally hear from someone else. I decided to text instead of calling or seeing her in person, because I wanted her to be able to react without worrying about hurting me. Like if she decided to yell how uneffing fair it was or scream or cry or have a smoke, she could do that, without worrying about her reaction hurting me. She did grow pretty distant while I was pregnant, but I can understand that.

I'm currently NTNP #2 and thinking about actively TTC, and I don't know how I would tell her if I got pregnant a 2nd time and she is still battling the infertility (with no diagnosis, although there is some male factor issues as well). I think, if we get pregnant again, we are going to keep it secret for the first tri or longer; not so much a secret, just something private between DH and I.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[RandaPanda]

Thanks ladies! I should also mention that my mom will be really upset with me if she finds out I told anyone else before her...she is great, but I'm an only child (and she had me young and raised me alone until my teens) so we're close, but she can get really competitive/insecure about me sharing aspects of my life with others before her (oh boy, especially if she ever gets a vibe that the in-laws know something first, or we visit them at Christmas for 4 days and my family only 3, etc.) And she chats with this friend of mine quite a bit, so I'm worried it would slip, and I'd have 2 people displeased truth be told, I have told my best friend, but she lives on the other side of the country from the rest of my friends and family, and I swore her to secrecy about letting anyone know she knew before my family!

I could Skype my mom and tell her before I get back, but DH and I really wanted to surprise her right off the plane (she's wanted a grandchild for a while!) and she is also a worrywart about my health and safety where we live (rural-ish part of China with substandard healthcare options), and would just be a wreck if she knew I was pregnant and not coming home immediately. Lol, I wish it was simple, but I figure it'll all work out somehow!

 

[RandaPanda]

Also, I really like the suggestion of not meeting in person with my friend so she doesn't feel like she can't express her frustration for my benefit. On the other hand, I don't want her to think I'm just casually dropping the news on her via text if she felt that talking in person is more considerate...it's hard to say what would make her more comfortable...

 

[misspriss]

I understand you not wanting to offend your mom, but seriously, she's getting a grandchild. I think she will get over you quietly telling a friend who's struggling. That sounds a bit petty to me to be upset over something so trivial. And how will your mom find out that you told you friend? I would tell you friend that you wanted to tell her first, out of consideration, but would she please not pass on the information. Then you just tell your mom like you planned.

I told my LTTTC sister, and my OTHER sister before telling MIL (DH is an only child) and she really couldn't care less that other people knew before her. I don't think that should really matter to her that much?

 

[misspriss]

Also, I really like the suggestion of not meeting in person with my friend so she doesn't feel like she can't express her frustration for my benefit. On the other hand, I don't want her to think I'm just casually dropping the news on her via text if she felt that talking in person is more considerate...it's hard to say what would make her more comfortable...

True, I use text to communicate a lot, so to me it didn't seem like I was casually dropping the news on her. I thought about a lengthy email, but that seemed like I was making too big of deal about it. I also didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was treating her much differently, because to me that would make it that much worse.

 

[Amber3]

Being infertile I have been in situations where friends announce their pregnancy. It is very difficult! So I suggest you write her a few days in advance. By the time of the party she will hopefully be ready to rejoice with you.

 

[jkhkjnjhb8879]

Mybabies were ivf so I have been there
I alwaysfound it hard and personslly would prefer a text so I could be angry st the world then call and congrstulste5 them xx

 

[RandaPanda]

misspriss, I know you're right about it being a bit petty, but that won't stop her from being annoyed with me...last summer, when we visited home after another year away, we spent the first few days of our trip with DH's side and THEN saw my family right after, and she didn't speak to me for the whole first week of our 6 week time at home!! But ya, based on what you ladies said (especially those that have been in my friend's situation), I think I'll go ahead and share the news with her beforehand, and ask her not to tell anyone she knew ahead of them. I really want to give her time to vent about it if she needs to, and then I hope she'll be ready to come to the BBQ, since we haven't seen each other all year! Thanks to everyone who replied

 

[RandaPanda]

Oh, and I had a hard time explaining to DH why I want to tell her early....he just thinks that everyone will be 100% thrilled for us, and doesn't want me to tell anyone early. But I tried to explain that a lot of time, we have more complex feelings about our friends announcing their pregnancies. Hoping he comes around soon to the idea of me telling her first...I'll do it anyway and he'll be fine with it, but I am finding it kind of frustrating trying to balance everyone's expectations and feelings while still taking my own into account a bit, and I'm still on the other side of the world! I know it'll only get more complicated once I get home

 

[misspriss]

misspriss, I know you're right about it being a bit petty, but that won't stop her from being annoyed with me...last summer, when we visited home after another year away, we spent the first few days of our trip with DH's side and THEN saw my family right after, and she didn't speak to me for the whole first week of our 6 week time at home!! But ya, based on what you ladies said (especially those that have been in my friend's situation), I think I'll go ahead and share the news with her beforehand, and ask her not to tell anyone she knew ahead of them. I really want to give her time to vent about it if she needs to, and then I hope she'll be ready to come to the BBQ, since we haven't seen each other all year! Thanks to everyone who replied

I understand how frustrating that can be, especially with the pregnancy hormones. I would be furious if someone treated me like that, especially family! But I guess you can't change your family, you know?

 

[Wishing89]

Hi Randa Panda! Personally having been one who struggled with infertility I think you should stick to going home and telling your mum then texting your friend that day to let her know and telling her you understand if she doesn't feel up to coming to the BBQ. You're still being thoughtful but at the end of the day you don't have an obligation to tell her before you've even told your family.

She can make the decision whether she feels up to coming or not and if she knows you won't be offended if she doesn't come I think that would really help.

Does she know your other friends? Is it possible if you tell her earlier that it could let the cat out of the bag amongst your other friends?

 

[RandaPanda]

Hi wishing! Thanks for your advice! Yes, she is friends with my other friends, so it is a bit of a concern that she might accidentally let it slip, which would be disappointing. Hmmm...maybe I will tell her right after my family. I'll definitely let her know how much I would love for her to come to the BBQ, but if she's not feeling up to it, I would also understand that too. Thanks again