how to tell inlaws about infertility

[Andi86]

Hey there,

My DH and I have been TTC for #1 almost a year now (I know its not as long as some of you on the LTTTC board, but I feel like I might get an answer here). The last year has been a struggle. The first 7 months I had regular cycles but nothing happened, BFN after BFN. Then finally in May I got a couple faint BFPs. We were so excited....but in the end it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. Since the chemical I have only had one AF (currently on CD 108)...I went to the doctor and after bunch of blood tests and an ultrasound I was diagnosed with PCOS on Sept 11th. Right now they have me on progestrone and I'm getting referred to a fertility specialist.

Anyway my question is to those suffering with infertility how did you tell your in laws? I was able to tell my parents and most of my close friends, but I don't know how to tell my mother and father in law. I get along with them really well...never had any problems with them. I dunno why I have such a hard time telling them. Maybe cause I never find the right time to just be like "hey btw I can't have children". Or maybe cause Ive never really had personal conversations with them like that? I asked my husband to tell is mom, but he hasnt yet and he isnt one to open up like that. Any advice?

 

[Andi86]

Oh I forgot to mention... the reason I feel like I need to tell them is because they keep talking about me giving them grandchildren. If they knew what was going on, then they probably would stop saying things that are hurtful.

 

[myangel167]

Im not good at opening up about personal things...I get all awkward. So if it were me in this situation-I would just straight up say it. Its better than trying to find a smooth way to bring it up. Maybe tell JUST your MIL and she can tell your FIL.

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi Andi,

I don't know what your relationship with your mother in low is but I really love mine. I told my mum in low in private conversation. I went to see her (she lives in Spain) two years ago on my own. That very moment I had very difficult times with my husband. He had a bit of depression and he was paying almost non attention to me. In one of our conversations told her "And you know...on the top of everything we have problems conceiving ".
Now when we know that the problem is with me she offered to me all her support and she also added "If nothing works, you will adopt and you still be parents".
Don't worry actually the most important are you and your husband. Love each other and support each other no matter what.

 

[miana]

If you get along with them pretty well then just tell them.....maybe just tell the mother in law if you're more comfortable and she'll pass it onto her husband
I have mentioned a few things to my mother in law about it and she was fine. I get along really well with her and my husbands sister had fertility issues, so that made it an easier conversation. She will ask questions about how we are going every now and again but she knows not to ask all the time

Many people have fertility issues and it's no longer a "taboo" subject. It's not your fault you have these issues, I know that sounds weird ha ha, but you're dealing with it best you can and looking through options.
That way they will not mention grand kids as much.....well maybe just not at the big family functions

I actually have told a few of our close friends and it's actually a relief. It kind of stops the constant "when are you having a baby" questions and they just mellow out and occasionally ask how it's all going and if there's any news on your progress with fertility stuff.

 

[LoveCakes]

My hubby told his mum when he was upset, I told mine. It depends on your relationship with her.

Maybe the next time she mentions it use that as an opener and just say you'd love to but it's proving harder than you thought. You don't have to say any details or even say it's PCOS, just that you could do with less pressure.

 

[popchick75]

Over my years LTTTC, I always found that a firm, 'that won't be happening for a while. when we make that personal decision we will let you know' tends to make people stop saying mean things.
I would mention our infertility issues to people thinking they would stop asking 'so, you aren't getting any younger...when are you going to start having kids', but instead they starting giving lovely advice such as 'just stop trying and it will happen' and 'you're so lucky....my kids are driving me crazy'. Disclosing it just seemed to open the floodgates to even more hurt.

At the very least, I would hold off saying anything until you've at least had some basic testing done. What if it turns out to be a very simple issue and you can fix it and get pregnant quickly? You would have gone through the stress of telling something very personal to all of your friends and family when you didn't really need to.

 

[Andi86]

Over my years LTTTC, I always found that a firm, 'that won't be happening for a while. when we make that personal decision we will let you know' tends to make people stop saying mean things.
I would mention our infertility issues to people thinking they would stop asking 'so, you aren't getting any younger...when are you going to start having kids', but instead they starting giving lovely advice such as 'just stop trying and it will happen' and 'you're so lucky....my kids are driving me crazy'. Disclosing it just seemed to open the floodgates to even more hurt.

At the very least, I would hold off saying anything until you've at least had some basic testing done. What if it turns out to be a very simple issue and you can fix it and get pregnant quickly? You would have gone through the stress of telling something very personal to all of your friends and family when you didn't really need to.

What kinda basic testing do you mean? Ive already had my FSH, LH, TSH, hemoglobin a1c levels checked and an ultrasound which showed polycystic ovaries. Also the prohesterone challenge that Im currently doing to see if I get my AF. Im new to this all so what other basic tests am I to expect? I figured that they found the reason why Im not ovulating. I didnt think there would be much more testing, but rather doing things(like getting me on clomid for example) to help get pregnant with PCOS.

 

[MissyLissy]

Oh I can TOTALLY relate to this thread. We've also been trying 1 year and I have PCOS. I told my mom no problem, around the time of my PCOS dx last winter. I also told most of my close friends right away. But... My in laws stayed in the dark until just recently. They are great, we get along fabulously. But I don't know... Something about having a conversation about my ovaries with them made me feel very uncomfortable. DH wanted to tell them, and I kept stalling.

Finally somewhere after failed IUI #2, I realized they needed and should know what was going on with us. I couldn't bring myself to start that convo, so I made DH casually tell his mom over the phone. Then both of us ended up going over there for dinner a few weeks later and we talked it out. It wasn't so bad, they were very sympathetic, and I'm glad it's over and they know.

 

[popchick75]

Over my years LTTTC, I always found that a firm, 'that won't be happening for a while. when we make that personal decision we will let you know' tends to make people stop saying mean things.
I would mention our infertility issues to people thinking they would stop asking 'so, you aren't getting any younger...when are you going to start having kids', but instead they starting giving lovely advice such as 'just stop trying and it will happen' and 'you're so lucky....my kids are driving me crazy'. Disclosing it just seemed to open the floodgates to even more hurt.

At the very least, I would hold off saying anything until you've at least had some basic testing done. What if it turns out to be a very simple issue and you can fix it and get pregnant quickly? You would have gone through the stress of telling something very personal to all of your friends and family when you didn't really need to.

What kinda basic testing do you mean? Ive already had my FSH, LH, TSH, hemoglobin a1c levels checked and an ultrasound which showed polycystic ovaries. Also the prohesterone challenge that Im currently doing to see if I get my AF. Im new to this all so what other basic tests am I to expect? I figured that they found the reason why Im not ovulating. I didnt think there would be much more testing, but rather doing things(like getting me on clomid for example) to help get pregnant with PCOS.

At the very least I would get a HSG. What if you go through all of this to get yourself ovulating and then it turns out your tubes were blocked? There isn't always just one issue preventing conception. If you look at people's signatures, there are usually multiple issues contributing to the infertility.

I would also ask about metaformin. The clomid will (maybe) force ovulation, but the met will help fix the issue behind the PCOS....it treats the cause, not just the symptom. Also look into Femara instead of Clomid. If you need Clomid every month to ovulate (which you may not need to do if you treat it with metaformin), you are going to have to deal with the side effects...including it thinning out your lining, which will prevent implantation. Some women with PCOS turn out to be clomid-resistant. For some reason, Femera will usually work with women who are.

 

[StorkStalker]

Hi,

In my experience telling the in-laws was also the worst part of telling anyone. Specially since DH is perfectly fine and all blame is on me. DH is an only child, so MIL kept going on and on about keeping on the blood line (very old fashioned and also expect at least one baby boy - as if they were the royals!) so it was very hard for me. They were not supportive but at least stopped asking if I was pregnant yet. When I mc my MIL asked if I had done anything risky, so not helpful. As time has gone by, she has become more empathic, but still insists we need a baby boy at least. She once even jokingly suggested DH go and have an affair and then bring the baby home as in the middle ages... Anyway, my point is it depends on your relationship with them, and in how open and up to date and realistic they are, and also if their personality is one that tends to help in stressful situations or if they are imprudent with what they say. I wish I could go back to the plain old "you better be doing your homework"..

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi,

In my experience telling the in-laws was also the worst part of telling anyone. Specially since DH is perfectly fine and all blame is on me. DH is an only child, so MIL kept going on and on about keeping on the blood line (very old fashioned and also expect at least one baby boy - as if they were the royals!) so it was very hard for me. They were not supportive but at least stopped asking if I was pregnant yet. When I mc my MIL asked if I had done anything risky, so not helpful. As time has gone by, she has become more empathic, but still insists we need a baby boy at least. She once even jokingly suggested DH go and have an affair and then bring the baby home as in the middle ages... Anyway, my point is it depends on your relationship with them, and in how open and up to date and realistic they are, and also if their personality is one that tends to help in stressful situations or if they are imprudent with what they say. I wish I could go back to the plain old "you better be doing your homework"..

Hi SorkStalker,

I am so sorry for the behaviour of your in lows. We - all the women in this situation, know and understand how important is to have all the support. I personally find it disgusting (sorry to say it) that they could even think about an affair so they could have there grandson . I just want to tell you don't blame yourself and the most important are you both you and your hubby. Nobody else. I give you a big hug and kiss. Desi .

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi,

In my experience telling the in-laws was also the worst part of telling anyone. Specially since DH is perfectly fine and all blame is on me. DH is an only child, so MIL kept going on and on about keeping on the blood line (very old fashioned and also expect at least one baby boy - as if they were the royals!) so it was very hard for me. They were not supportive but at least stopped asking if I was pregnant yet. When I mc my MIL asked if I had done anything risky, so not helpful. As time has gone by, she has become more empathic, but still insists we need a baby boy at least. She once even jokingly suggested DH go and have an affair and then bring the baby home as in the middle ages... Anyway, my point is it depends on your relationship with them, and in how open and up to date and realistic they are, and also if their personality is one that tends to help in stressful situations or if they are imprudent with what they say. I wish I could go back to the plain old "you better be doing your homework"..

Hi SorkStalker,

I am so sorry for the behaviour of your in lows. We - all the women in this situation, know and understand how important is to have all the support. I personally find it disgusting (sorry to say it) that they could even think about an affair so they could have there grandson . I just want to tell you don't blame yourself and the most important are you both you and your hubby. Nobody else. I give you a big hug and kiss. Desi

 

[hopefulfor1st]

Pcos does not mean you can't have children :/

Clomid has an 80% success rate, it worked for me and I hadnt ovulated AT ALL, in years, I haven't had a natural period since I was 16.
I also fell pregnant just after starting metformin which is used to treat the overall symptoms of pcos. I conceived after no AF in 6-7 months but had a chemical...but even ovulating without clomid was an achievement for me!
Tomorrow we start clomid again to try for baby number 2! And this time I'm only clomid and metformin which work better together than separate

 

[Andi86]

Pcos does not mean you can't have children :/

Clomid has an 80% success rate, it worked for me and I hadnt ovulated AT ALL, in years, I haven't had a natural period since I was 16.
I also fell pregnant just after starting metformin which is used to treat the overall symptoms of pcos. I conceived after no AF in 6-7 months but had a chemical...but even ovulating without clomid was an achievement for me!
Tomorrow we start clomid again to try for baby number 2! And this time I'm only clomid and metformin which work better together than separate

I know it doesn't mean I can't have children, but it is a possibility, and PCOS is still something that causes infertility. I hear these wonderful stories..."so and so has PCOS and got pregnant/has kids" but I also know of two girls with PCOS and have been trying for years and still don't have children or have got pregnant but lost it. I also have aunts who never had children or have adopted children because they were infertile. I feel like everyone just thinks its no big deal, its treatable; but to me it is a big deal, and what if its not treatable for me? Being a mother is the only thing I have ever known I wanted in life... its just not easy knowing that may never happen.

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Pcos does not mean you can't have children :/

Clomid has an 80% success rate, it worked for me and I hadnt ovulated AT ALL, in years, I haven't had a natural period since I was 16.
I also fell pregnant just after starting metformin which is used to treat the overall symptoms of pcos. I conceived after no AF in 6-7 months but had a chemical...but even ovulating without clomid was an achievement for me!
Tomorrow we start clomid again to try for baby number 2! And this time I'm only clomid and metformin which work better together than separate

I know it doesn't mean I can't have children, but it is a possibility, and PCOS is still something that causes infertility. I hear these wonderful stories..."so and so has PCOS and got pregnant/has kids" but I also know of two girls with PCOS and have been trying for years and still don't have children or have got pregnant but lost it. I also have aunts who never had children or have adopted children because they were infertile. I feel like everyone just thinks its no big deal, its treatable; but to me it is a big deal, and what if its not treatable for me? Being a mother is the only thing I have ever known I wanted in life... its just not easy knowing that may never happen.

Hi Andi84,

I am really sorry that there is another person in this world that feels exactly like me. I have always wanted to have children. Even more than one. I feel like it might never happen to me to be pregnant and to deliver. But there is the option and for adoption also. My hubby and me would love any child. It doesn't mean that I will stop wanting to carry a baby myself. I will always want that but at least I will have a child to love and to call me mum.....

 

[hopefulfor1st]

Pcos does not mean you can't have children :/

Clomid has an 80% success rate, it worked for me and I hadnt ovulated AT ALL, in years, I haven't had a natural period since I was 16.
I also fell pregnant just after starting metformin which is used to treat the overall symptoms of pcos. I conceived after no AF in 6-7 months but had a chemical...but even ovulating without clomid was an achievement for me!
Tomorrow we start clomid again to try for baby number 2! And this time I'm only clomid and metformin which work better together than separate

I know it doesn't mean I can't have children, but it is a possibility, and PCOS is still something that causes infertility. I hear these wonderful stories..."so and so has PCOS and got pregnant/has kids" but I also know of two girls with PCOS and have been trying for years and still don't have children or have got pregnant but lost it. I also have aunts who never had children or have adopted children because they were infertile. I feel like everyone just thinks its no big deal, its treatable; but to me it is a big deal, and what if its not treatable for me? Being a mother is the only thing I have ever known I wanted in life... its just not easy knowing that may never happen.

Well I have only ovulated twice and they were both medically induced so I'd consider myself to be a bad case and I think people need a positive story and to be optimistic, and believe you can't say all hope is lost until you've tried all options, which sounds like you haven't been made aware of yet. I too was devastated and thought it was the end of the world when I was diagnosed, until my doctor said its fine you just need to take a tablet once a day for 5 day and this works for 4 out of 5 women, and if this doesn't work we have back up plans too (femara, then moving onto triggers etc), a listened to him, I took my 5 pills and kept everything crossed and conceived my son! Plus medicine has probably come a long way since your aunts, as has the awareness to diagnose pcos (doctors use to just fob it off and tell you to lose weight)

 

[Andi86]

Pcos does not mean you can't have children :/

Clomid has an 80% success rate, it worked for me and I hadnt ovulated AT ALL, in years, I haven't had a natural period since I was 16.
I also fell pregnant just after starting metformin which is used to treat the overall symptoms of pcos. I conceived after no AF in 6-7 months but had a chemical...but even ovulating without clomid was an achievement for me!
Tomorrow we start clomid again to try for baby number 2! And this time I'm only clomid and metformin which work better together than separate

I know it doesn't mean I can't have children, but it is a possibility, and PCOS is still something that causes infertility. I hear these wonderful stories..."so and so has PCOS and got pregnant/has kids" but I also know of two girls with PCOS and have been trying for years and still don't have children or have got pregnant but lost it. I also have aunts who never had children or have adopted children because they were infertile. I feel like everyone just thinks its no big deal, its treatable; but to me it is a big deal, and what if its not treatable for me? Being a mother is the only thing I have ever known I wanted in life... its just not easy knowing that may never happen.

Well I have only ovulated twice and they were both medically induced so I'd consider myself to be a bad case and I think people need a positive story and to be optimistic, and believe you can't say all hope is lost until you've tried all options, which sounds like you haven't been made aware of yet. I too was devastated and thought it was the end of the world when I was diagnosed, until my doctor said its fine you just need to take a tablet once a day for 5 day and this works for 4 out of 5 women, and if this doesn't work we have back up plans too (femara, then moving onto triggers etc), a listened to him, I took my 5 pills and kept everything crossed and conceived my son! Plus medicine has probably come a long way since your aunts, as has the awareness to diagnose pcos (doctors use to just fob it off and tell you to lose weight)

Yeah your right I haven't really heard options or anything for that matter...When I found out I had PCOS all I got was a phone call at work saying my ultrasound showed polycystic ovaries, that they were putting me on progesterone and that id be getting referred to someone but they didnt have a name yet of who that would be. And that they would contact me to make an apt. This was on Sept 11th and I havent heard anything. I have a lot of questions that need to be answered. Because I was at work I couldnt ask much over the phone so basically everything I know about PCOS is from the internet which can be a scary place to get facts. Maybe once I get in to see the specialist it will help with the stress and emotions Im feeling about this all.