how would you feel about this? please help.

[katehappy]

I need some advice. so I am a very insecure person.. Im deathly afraid of being cheated on because the boy I was with before my fiance cheated on me and lied to me constantly.

my fiance is great though.. I trust him more than Ive ever trusted anyone outside my family. its taken some work on my insecurities, but I've gotten to the stage where I really don't believe he would cheat on me. he's never lied to me, at least not that I've known of.. until recently.

so we were texting back and forth (we've been long-distance since mid-february) and I got a text from him that said 'I gotta be honest i wish i could call u mine but im jus glad ur my friend. I think thats better. '

I texted him back and said what? and he said I mean while we're apart its like we're just friends.. when we're together you're mine. I believed that for a second but then I realized it was bullshit. so I pestered him to tell the truth and he finally did.. he said that this girl got a crush on him and he told her that.

then I looked on his friend's phone and there were all these pic texts from my fiance of naked girls. he said that his friend joel sent those to him. joel is kinda weird and does send weird texts.. but one of them said the girls name, and 'god i want her. she wants me too. but I'd never cheat on kate.' when I asked about that he said that he honestly didn't know any of the girls, that he made up a name to try to make his friend jealous.

then there was this girl who added him on myspace and he sent her a message that said 'now why would a perty girl like you wanna add a guy like me?' I asked him about that and he said his roommate went on his phone and sent it. I called bullshit and he finally admitted that it was kinda flirty, and he said that sometimes he doesn't think straight and its hard being away.

I don't believe he will cheat on me. he said he was sorry for lying and he seemed sincere. he admitted that he was a little immature in that way but he was working on it. he used to have a lot of girls on his phone that he texted but he deleted all of them a little while back. he also said he wanted me to delete his myspace and make one for the two of us, because he doesn't know most of the people on there. (a lot of them are random girls.) I know he loves me and hes assured me he would never cheat on me.

I just don't know. Im so dissapointed that he lied to me because honestly I thought he was perfect. We seemed to have such a close and loving relationship, we would hold hands everywhere and give each other plenty of affection. we cuddle all the time and we almost never fight, and when we can we spend tons of time alone together happily. we have a really good relationship. but since I found out he lied to me I've felt distant from him and haven't wanted to hold hands or any of that half as much. and I know how this feels from experience because my ex was a complete liar. it just comes between you.

I assured him I was an understanding person, and when I ask him something I just want the truth, not an excuse, because I'm not going to yell at him or anything. I'll be hurt but lying makes it so much worse.

I just want to know where is this going to stop? is he really not going to lie anymore? or is he just going to get better at covering it up, like my ex? how do I know about how many times hes lied to me before?

I know its not like I have to be terrified he will cheat on me.. I'm just hurt and dissapointed he snuck behind my back and lied to me.

 

[Akira]

I wish I had some advise but I wouldn't know what I would do, I am the same as you with insecurities about cheating, and have no idea what I would do if Andrew broke my trust.

Do you think he was just flirting? Or do you think its something more?

 

[katehappy]

pretty sure it was just flirting... it was just a few messages back and forth on myspace. and the girl lives in oregon and he lives in sacramento.

 

[Akira]

I just want to know where is this going to stop? is he really not going to lie anymore? or is he just going to get better at covering it up, like my ex? how do I know about how many times hes lied to me before?

Do you think you will ever move on from this? As hard as it is you need to make a decision to a) work on trusting him again (and don't expect it to be intstant, it will take time) or b) cut your losses and move on.

You can't go on second guessing his every move, wondering all the time if he is where he says he is, and doing what he says hes doing, you'll just make yourself sick with worry.

How long do you expect the long distance to go on for?

 

[xx~Lor~xx]

I didn't want to read and run hun. But I have trust issues too, and it's always going to nag at you. I think he's been completely out of order, lying to you like that when you were obviously showing him a lot of trust, being in a distant relationship. He definately has a lot of explaining to do, and prooving to you that he IS trustworthy. They say people can look, but don't touch. Personally I find even that quite hard to accept, and I don't think that many boys can draw that line. I really hope your fiance starts really bucking up his ideas.

xoxox

 

[katehappy]

thankyou both for the advice. we're long distance for about 5 more weeks, when I get out of school and move in with him. we lived together for almost 8 months before he went to school in february..
he has seem to grow up a lot. I think he is also insecure.. I have a theory that he flirts with girls to boost his self-esteem, but Im not sure.
I know I want to work on trusting him, I just don't know how to begin.. and I don't know how to know for sure that he won't continue to lie to me.

 

[Akira]

Well I know it took me a long time to trust Andrew, and the only way I felt I could gain that trust was by him being totally open and honest. I was allowed full access to his emails, facebook, phone.......anything. I hardly ever read them, and now I don't even feel like I have to as I do trust him, however if he had been secrative about them, it would have been different.

I am just lucky Andrew understood why I needed to do that.....I hated myself for doing it at the time but it really was the only way. Unfortunately for Andrew he had to prove himself trustworthy from day one, thanks to my dickhead ex who I trusted with no problems straight away and he killed my confidence and trust in people

 

[kodi]

im sorry to hear this has happened, i know like you said its just a few texts but if that was me and my OH said that to another girl i'd be really hurt. Me and my OH have had our fair share of him being a typical bloke and not thinkign before he types!!!

I've got access to his facebook and i logged in once and he was at that moment talking to a girl and saying she should go round his and play ps3 with loads of winking faces, i went mad, cried etc and he cried too said he was messing around, and it did affect me for quite a while. i dont think hes ever cheated, but i do think men have a good way of saying things without thinking!!!

Since then we've had no other problems Im always allowed access to anything phone etc as he is with me cos we both feel we dont need to hide things, but if im honest i barely ever check anything, i trust him 100%

However, like my EX of 3 years my current OH has only ever had the one slip up at the beginning and ever since then i think hes learnt to think first and put himself in my shoes..whereas my old OH was a constant liar and blamed me for his lies saying i was paranoid and caused him to lie...

in the end i found out he'd been cheating on me for 3mths at the end of our relationship (we were engaged too at this point) and i ended it, i felt like dying too but i got over it in time....

he was my first love and alot of the time i just let it go over my head cos i couldnt bare to lose him! im alot stronger now so i wouldnt put up with that crap ever again!

i hope maybe like my OH this is just a one off and you can maybe talk to him and make him see how he would feel if it was you that had said this, that usually makes them think!!

*hugs* i hope you sort it hun xx

 

[pinkribbon]

I didn't want to read & run, but I don't think it's acceptable what he's done, even if he wouldn't cheat. You need to make it clear you're not open to have him do stuff like that. Maybe a calm talk next time you're together? I don't know how often you talk to him in person?