Hurtful comments

[JASMAK]

One of the things I am finding hard about my miscarriages are the hurtful comments I hear. Some are of course, not intended to be hurtful, and are simply made by those truly concerned, but are still hurtful...all the same. Some, I have no idea what the person is thinking as the words are coming out of their mouths. If anyone wants to share theirs...I think it would help.

Here is some of the worst I have heard:

"I never felt sorry for you when you m/c'd because you already have 2 kids"

"It's for the best"

and the most well-inteded, but hurtful:

"It wasn't meant to be".

Also, I have a special needs child, so I get, "Are you sure you really want more?" That is devestating to me, because I wouldn't change a thing about Makena, and I could have a MILLION of her...but, people assume since she isn't so-called "perfect" she isn't desired...or I have regrets??? WTF, is all I have to say to that.

There, that felt better...to get it out.
Thanks

 

[WW1]

My particular favourite has been:

"well it was early so it isn't that big a deal"

 

[Beltane]

What is something comforting that someone could say? A few of my friends have recently gone through it and I want to say something that brings peace to their hearts.

 

[WW1]

What is something comforting that someone could say? A few of my friends have recently gone through it and I want to say something that brings peace to their hearts.

It is really difficult as I think everyone who has m/c'd will have a different response.

In my experience, a big hug and telling them you're there if they need you is the best thing.

It's obvious from your post that you want to do the best for your friends - they're clearly lucky to have you

 

[Beltane]

Thanks ----- that helped immensely

 

[welshcakes79]

worst ive heard is "its only a ball of cells"

some people have no idea

x

 

[Sambatiki]

Sorry for all your losses
I know all I wanted to do was talk about everything. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. I don't think there is anything you can say tbh.

One of my 'friends' said ahhh atleast you'll be able to drink at ur engagement party!! (I have finally forgiven him!!).

Take care everyone

Kerry xxx

 

[PurestFeeling]

My gods that's horrible! I hate that line "it wasn't ment to be" or "It's in God's plan" Seems almost sick minded. I've never had a m/c so I don't know how it feels but I would never even dream of saying such filth especally that first one. Makes me angry. All I would know to do is tell them I'm sorry of the news and I'm here if they need to talk. Cause no matter how long it was you still suffer a loss.

 

[Carley]

I've had those comments even when I lost my son at 24 weeks :sad:

 

[maccy]

I had a blighted ovum, a few people have said ...

'Well, it was never there anyway'
That really hurts cause I was 11 weeks b4 I miscarried!!!Or when I tell them i lost the baby, they say

'There was no baby to loose'*



Probably one of the nicest thing someone (my dad) when I was upset was...

'It's your body, no-one, nobody can know what your going through and how you feel about it, is the right way, don't listen or worry about what anyone else thinks what you think is what matters.'

 

[BeckyBoo]

I don't think people know what to say in the situation, alot of people are emotionally stronger than others too.

 

[WW1]

Probably one of the nicest thing someone (my dad) when I was upset was...

'It's your body, no-one, nobody can know what your going through and how you feel about it, is the right way, don't listen or worry about what anyone else thinks what you think is what matters.'

Well said dad!

 

[owo]

I don't think anyone really understands what it is like until they have been through it. I am ashamed to say that i have been guilty of "It was for the best as it wouldn't have survived". I really hate myself now for saying that in the past. But you really don't understand until it happens to you.
I am the only Women in the office and the only person that asked me how i was doing when i returned to work was one guy who's wife miscarried a few months ago. The rest didn't even ask how i was doing, they just acted as if nothing had happend. At first i was really annoyed with them and thought "How dare they not acknowledge what i had been through" but i guess lots of people don't know what to say and when they do we get hurt.
If you need to chat some more, I'm here.
Take Care
xx

 

[WW1]

I don't think anyone really understands what it is like until they have been through it. I am ashamed to say that i have been guilty of "It was for the best as it wouldn't have survived". I really hate myself now for saying that in the past. But you really don't understand until it happens to you.
xx

I absolutely agree OWO. I think back to comments I've made to others who m/c'd and I now cringe at my insensitivity. All my comments were well meaning and I thought I was saying the best thing I could but I really had no idea.

It's impossible to know what it's like unless you've been through it. 99.9% of people say things with the best of intentions but it's impossible to say something which genuinely makes it better. I suppose the fact they're trying to say the right thing shows their heart is in the right place and they care. That in itself means a huge amount in my opinion.

 

[kadey]

When i eventually went back to work after my mc a collegue said to me, 'u all better now?'. i felt like punching him in his face.
my dad was there then i was taken to hospital and the midwife said to me 'im sorry, u have lost your baby' my dad turned round and more or less screamed in her face, 'she hasn't lost her baby she knows where it is, her baby has died.' that actually helped me as it felt real. sounds strange but him saying that actually helped me get through it.
thanks daddy

 

[mugzy]

My OH was the only one who knew I was pregnant when I miscarried, so I never had any comments from others, but the "wasn't meant to be" and "for the best" comments were things I told myself to help me get through it. My cousin found out her baby was anencephalic at her 16 week scan and had to make the decision to terminate. I tried to keep that in mind and be grateful that if the baby had to die, it died early and I had no part in the decision. I don't know how I would have felt if others had said that to me though.

My baby's due date would have been today

 

[ANGYPANGY]

i think the worst comment i would get was at least you have your first son.

 

[cheeselover]

Or 'do you think all your stress and worrry caused it'...my own mother and the husband of my best friend (on seperate occasions) I kid you not!!! Or another chesnut from a friend...'at least you can have a couple of wines now'.

 

[flump1]

it made me feel angry when people just kept saying, 'well u just have to think it most likely had something horribly wrong with it so therefore its for the best' really didnt make me feel better about it at all. even though iam gratefull for people at least trying to be nice and say something that they think is helping id rather people wouldnt go into detail bout it.

 

[mt_wm]

I've heard a couple in the last few weeks:

"Look on the bright side; at least you know you can have kids"

and the odds of that happening again are tiny...

and

"Why should it bother you? It wasn't your body"

No, it wasn't... But it was my baby...