hurting :(

[nicksi27]

Hi ladies
Having a really rough time, i seem to be stuck in a loop of grief that i cant seem to get out of. My OH doesnt understand he - he says its not good being constantly miserable and that we have to look to the future but for me, i see no future. My baby boy is dead so whats the point. All our hopes and dreams are gone. I would have been having my baby next month now its all over. Sometimes i feel ok but then other times my feelings just overwhelm me i feel so angry at myself, the world, everything. I see pregnant women and want to scream 'why cant i have a baby', i feel like a total failure. i feel almost ashamed that i couldnt carry our baby full term, my body starved him. i know deep down theres nothing i could have done but sometimes the guilt i feel is like a physical pain.

i go to work and put on the fake 'happy face' all day then go home and the pain eats me up inside. people go on as if i lost a fetus, like he wasnt a real baby. I get 'awww it was just one of those things' - feel like telling them to f**k off honestly. My baby dying was more than 'one of those things'. i hate the prospect that my next pregnancy would be so high risk if i have this clotting disorder and that i only have a 75% chance of success. of course, im willing to go through 40 weeks of sheer terror at the thought of this happening again but it just seems so unfair, its so unfair that we are all here on this board because we have gone through such tragedies.

sorry ladies just needed to vent

 

[amber7]

So sorry for your loss x`

 

[lch28]

:

 

[Pinkorblue11]

 

[socitycourty]

 

[SabrinaKat]

Have you considered some sort of bereavement counselling? I did cognitive behavioural therapy a few months after my mc and it really helped me (it took time, tho) to deal with my feelings of failure, loss and grief. Most of all, it made me realise that how I felt was completely, sadly, normal and that was a huge relief.

Please ask your GP for a referral -- mine did; she sent me to the main man at the local maternity hospital for an appointment to discuss the mc and the practical stuff, e.g. was it my fault, would I ever have a baby, could I have a pregnancy to term etc? and then, I started to see a CBT counseller a few weeks afterwards and it gave me some hope....

please don't feel bad about venting -- our partners can try to understand, but they didn't carry the LO, etc., so perhaps somebody objective with training can help both of you?

best wishes

 

[Andypanda6570]

Believe me everything you are feeling is totally normal. I felt the exact same, it has taken me a year to get some kind of normalcy back in my life.
It will happen for you too, but it takes time and we all reach this point at different times. I lost my Ava on 3/3/2011, I gave birth to her in my bathroom and we buried her on 3/11/2011. I was terrible I could not sleep all I did was cry all day. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut, I didn't talk to my family for 3 months I had 3 boys I needed to be there for, but at the time I just could not get out of my grief, it was so deep.
I was 40 when I got pregnant by total accident , I already had 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and then I find out it was a girl I was over the moon, I never thought I would ever have a daughter let alone be pregnant at 40. I lost her at 20 weeks and my life is and will never be the same. But there is happiness again and now I can finally smile without crying and you will also. Nobody understands and they say things without realizing how much their words hurt, you need to overlook it , they have never experienced this pain and can't even imagine what you are going through. They think they are helping without realizing they are killing you with their words.

I promise you, things with time will get better for you, please believe that.
I am here if you ever need to talk.. Andrea

 

[SassyLou]