Husband Nookie

[Spudtastic]

Ladies. So how do I put this. How's the sex with the husband? I find it really really hard to change from doting mum to sexy mum. I have a 3 year old and 7 month old. My husband works far too much so I do all the kid stuff. I do all night get ups, then up between 5 and 6 every single day, breakfast, playing, laundry, cooking, cleaning, house bills, dinner, bath and bed time and I'm breastfeeding. If I'm lucky my day finishes at 8pm but I'm usually so tired I just manage 30 mind either cleaning or watching TV before I fall asleep. Quite often my 7 month old is so clingy the only way to get her to sleep is to go to bed with her.
My eldest daughter goes to play school twice a week but I always have the little one. I live overseas from my family.

So, the other night I came down from getting the kids to bed. It was 8pm. My husband was ready for sex. I am so tired. I also feel like I give myself to my kids constantly. I give emotionally so much. So sex is the last thing I want. This will sound terrible but I feel here's another person to give to and look after. I explained to my husband I really need some me time and mummy tlc before I feel anything other than a giving mummy. He understood.

Then later there was this thing on Facebook, an Australian mum who I follow. Her post was that her husband wanted sex and she said no. There started a whole lot of comments from women saying she needed to say yes to sex whenever her husband asked otherwise he'd find it elsewhere or it just keeps him happy really.
Now I feel terrible but I just can't get into that heads pace. My kids are always awake early so there's no morning nookie. Come evening I'm just exhausted mentally and physically. I need to give some time to me first. I've put on too much weight since having my little one. I feel dumpy and unattractive and it's hard to feel sexy when my boobs leak when they're played with.

Anyone else in the same boat. It's my birthday in December and I've asked for time to go to an onsen hit tub and lunch in the town over. I can't wait.

Edited to add: I badly worded the post above. I don't think my husband will find it elsewhere. It was a comment on the fb post. I wrote it in to give the general feel of the fb post comments without thinking how my point in my post would come across and without rereading my post to realise i had worded my post badly. The comment that made me feel terrible was about saying no to your husband and me not giving him sex. I have no worries about 'finding it elsewhere'. My husband is great, though honestly he could do some housework and tidy up after himself.
So please can you focus a reply on feeling too tired for sexy time and not on the he'll get it elsewhere. Thank you.

 

[minties]

I'm in the exact same boat as you. Sadly for us I've felt this way since my first was about 3 months old.

Even if he just throws his foot on my lap for me to rub (we used to always rub each others feet each evening while I was pregnant) I want to scream STOP TOUCHING
ME! I AM GETTING TOUCHED ALL DAY ALREADY!

He got all butthurt last night and said at least he wasn't asking for a BJ and grumbled for a good 20 minutes. We haven't had sex for months.

I'm still in the cluster feeding a newborn stage too and Emma is often feeding all afternoon and evening so I do not feel at all sexy or like I want anyone else touching my boobs.

 

[AndiTTC]

Did you notice the same thing when you had your first LO?

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling right now. I only have one LO (a 6-month old), but it can be really exhausting. Sex is just about one of the last things on my mind. My doctor, however, told me that's to be expected, especially while breastfeeding. She said that while you're breastfeeding, your hormones can be a little off, which can cause your libido to go way down. I've talked to two of my breastfeeding friends about that, and they're both in the same boat. Hopefully, it's just a phase.

 

[Spudtastic]

I'm in the exact same boat as you. Sadly for us I've felt this way since my first was about 3 months old.

Even if he just throws his foot on my lap for me to rub (we used to always rub each others feet each evening while I was pregnant) I want to scream STOP TOUCHING
ME! I AM GETTING TOUCHED ALL DAY ALREADY!

He got all butthurt last night and said at least he wasn't asking for a BJ and grumbled for a good 20 minutes. We haven't had sex for months.

I'm still in the cluster feeding a newborn stage too and Emma is often feeding all afternoon and evening so I do not feel at all sexy or like I want anyone else touching my boobs.

Lol at least I'm not asking for a bj........cracks me up.

Yes that's exactly it. I'm getting touched all day. My hair is pulled. I'm jumped on etc this sums it up quite well. I think once I get me time again and lose this exta weight I'll be feeling better.

 

[Spudtastic]

Did you notice the same thing when you had your first LO?

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling right now. I only have one LO (a 6-month old), but it can be really exhausting. Sex is just about one of the last things on my mind. My doctor, however, told me that's to be expected, especially while breastfeeding. She said that while you're breastfeeding, your hormones can be a little off, which can cause your libido to go way down. I've talked to two of my breastfeeding friends about that, and they're both in the same boat. Hopefully, it's just a phase.

With my first it was different because sex was far too painful for a whole 6 months after birth. And then it was just a bruised feeling for another 6 months. (My baby was facing the wrong way and decided to turn in the birth canal and of course being my first the pushing part took two hours. This time things felt normal after two weeks).
But on reflection I definitely think once I got just me time my libido returned. Also interesting about hormones and bf. Perhaps it's natures way of not getting us pregnant again too soon.

 

[themisfit]

To be blunt, I think the "He'll find it elsewhere" mentality is really, really, really bad. If someone truly feels like their husband would find it elsewhere, they need to stop and evaluate their marriage. Don't let that line of thinking get to you. It's toxic and needs to stop. If you have a good marriage and a loyal husband... he will not find it elsewhere. Except maybe a video and his hand. My partner has wanted sex for the past four weeks, but being that I'm still in the 6 week postpartum period we haven't been able to have it. He is perfectly fine. He is not going to die if he doesn't get sex.

We are not obligated to give our husbands/boyfriends/fiances/etc sex just because they want to. I feel that line of thinking comes from the assumption that all men think about is sex (which, also, isn't always true). But we have wants, needs, and desires, too. And sometimes that means we want to be left alone. Why should we sacrifice our wants for them all the time? Why are women always expected to be the ones doing the sacrificing? Why can't men sacrifice their want for sex sometimes because we have a need to be left alone that day?? Ignore people who say "he'll find it elsewhere". That's not how relationships work.

 

[jessmke]

I agree that "he'll find it elsewhere" is a crock of sh*t. If someone is really worried about that happening then they have bigger problems in their marriage than infrequent sex.

For the last 6 or 7 months we have had sex maybe once a month at the most. And my boobs are completely off limits to him. It is just too weird for him to do a anything to my boobs (especially with his mouth!) and I just don't see them as sexy anymore. I imagine that feeling will go away once I am done breastfeeding. I feel exactly like you, I am just too exhausted at the end of the day to put in the effort for sex. My OH completely understands and he feels pretty shattered by the end of most days too. He would like to have it more frequently, but he doesn't push the issue with me. I see it as a two way street, sometimes he doesn't get sex even though he really wants it, and sometimes I have sex even though I don't really feel like I'm in the mood. That way each of us compromises and one person isn't stuck always having to give the other what he/she wants. We are currently TTC baby #2 so we have DTD more often in the this last week than in the entire time since Isla has been born. It has been a bit of a chore but we have gotten into the hang of doing it right after Isla goes to bed for the night, then we watch tv or hang out and chat or go in the hot tub for a bit and then go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Isla goes to bed at 7 and always wakes for a feed around 10/11 pm so I usually try to stay awake until that feed so that is our window of opportunity! I think things will naturally go back to the way they were once babies sleep through the night and we no longer feel like zombies all day.

 

[Spudtastic]

Misfit and jesskme - thank you for your lovely reassuring replies. I forgot to write in my post however that I wasn't worried about him going elsewhere. Firstly we have a better relationship than that and secondly he works too hard so if he found the time to have an affair I would actually be surprised. It was just what many if the commenters on that fb post said. The thing I felt terrible about was saying no to sex all the time but I just don't have the energy for it.

Jess - my eldest is called Isla. Good choice of name.

 

[Zephram]

I agree that "he'll find it elsewhere" is a crock of sh*t. If someone is really worried about that happening then they have bigger problems in their marriage than infrequent sex.

This! Our sex life has been pretty non-existent since DS2. It's hard because DS2 is still co-sleeping with me so we're in different beds and after a long day we are both just want to actually go to sleep rather than have sexy time.

We have talked about it recently and we're both willing to put in more effort - we just haven't yet. But at least we're on the same page about it!

 

[SpringCrane]

I seriously could have written your post, Spudtastic.

I really miss the intimacy, but my brain and body want nothing to do with sex right now.

 

[Nibblenic]

I think the 'he'll find it elsewhere' mentality is bollocks. If your husband doesnt respect you and what you are doing, yeah he will but do you want that kind of husband anyway. Took two to decide to have a family and everything that comes with it.

As for my current situation we havent had sex since I think May. We've had one or two messes about in that time but nothing really. I had severe SPD and it was May bank holiday that I was admitted to hospital. Since having the baby shes not been easy has some severe allergies and has been in and out of hospital. She is hard work compared to our eldest in all ways.

However my OH takes 50% of the work load when it comes to our children, he does the 2am night feed and generally does as much as me when he is in. We look after eachother.

We've kept checking in with eachother and making sure we're okay and in love and happy with eachother etc
I went back on the pill and was 'protected' from last week. I said this to him and he said tbh Im exhausted, I feel about as sexy as a Christmas nut in January. We've known eachother for 16 years now and the chemistry has always been there, still is but right now, right this second we have more important things to be doing with our time, our kids need us and those few moments in the day where they dont, we need to be resting and recuperating from our days.

I suppose the thing we have going for us is that we communicate, which is where I think relationship really fail, if theyre going to. Not just for one silly thing. People need to feel valued in relationships, that isnt about sex its so much more than that, even for men

 

[dani_tinks]

Yeah agree with others, the 'he'll find it elsewhere' mentality is rubbish. If your husband loves and respects you he'll be patient and understand. We've had our dry spells, we make sure we cuddle and check in with one another. Remind each other it's not cus we don't fancy each other still etc. With my first born I went off sex completely. I was too tired, too overwhelmed. I am all those things still but I must admit my sex drive has gone through the roof recently, even though we rarely have time to act on it .

 

[MindUtopia]

It happens when we both have time and energy for it, which is sporadic (once a month?), and no I don't think you should feel guilty for saying no. Saying yes to doing something you genuinely don't want to do just to meet someone else's needs is not a healthy way to have a relationship. That doesn't mean you don't sometimes say yes even when you aren't sure you're in the mood but think you might be once you get into it. That's different and I think everyone feels like that from time to time (guys included). But having a relationship that's built on the principle of always saying yes to what someone else wants even when your own needs aren't being met isn't good in the long run. Also, if anyone's marriage is so insecure that it falls apart because someone can't spring to the call of the other sexually whenever they want it, well, then the problem with that marriage isn't the lack of sex, it's the lack of a solid foundation to begin with. Parenting small kids is hard and there will be a few years when things aren't so exciting and when everything is exhausting, but that's how it is.

I think what you feel is really normal. Gosh, my husband and I both feel that way (though certainly me probably more than him because I do more!). We work full-time and then some, running a business, plus I work full-time plus the business, which means we often work evenings at home and weekends away at events. This past month we've literally worked 7 days a week straight for 4 weeks, and then my husband gets a break in September going back to just 5 days a week, but I only have 2 days off the whole month of September. That's just what our lives are like in the busy months until things quite down for us in the winter. We literally want sleep. I don't think either of us would give up 30 minutes of sleep for sex right now! Now that doesn't mean you don't sometimes go for it even when you're tired, but you need to fill up your tank before you can fill up anyone else's. It sounds like your husband is really understanding. Maybe he can find some ways to take the weight off you a little bit and give you some time to re-charge, and time away is great too. My husband and I had our first night away together a few months ago in over 3 years and it was great (granted we were both so tired after staying out late, and we both ate so much at a really nice dinner that neither of us was in the mood by the time we made it back to the hotel!). But it was still really nice and helped us re-connect away from the craziness.

 

[Spudtastic]

I seriously could have written your post, Spudtastic.

I really miss the intimacy, but my brain and body want nothing to do with sex right now.

This sums it up really really well. Exactly this. My friends just went to Rarotonga for a week whilst grandparents looked after their 3 and 1 year old. They are lucky. A trip perfect for reconnecting.

 

[Spudtastic]

So yesterday was particularly tiring. My 3 year old daughter has got an amazingly strong personality. It's going to get her far in life but for now it means she tests all the boundaries. So I was looking for my husband to come home.
By the time he did (he does 12 hour days 6 to 7 days a week on our own business) I felt like the crazy hair lady. So I said 'did you have a poo on your own today' yes 'did you have a cup of tea and relax in your own tiday' yes 'did you eat lunch today on your own' yes. And with my youngest being so clingy I don't even wee on my own in the evening.

And then I pointed out that I hadn't been on my own since 2 months ago and that was half an hour.
And I think he felt bad because on Tuesday night I'd bought a ticket to an evening talk that was on with friends. It was only for two hours but I was looking forward to it and then he had to go away for two nights at the last minute to help a friend put who'd broken his arm and couldn't drive a tractor on his farm. So I didn't get to go.

Anyway he said he'd take a couple hours off on Monday and I can go swimming. Whoop whoop. (Ps I love love love my babies. I just need some time when it's just me).

Mindutopia - sounds like you do it tough too with the kids and work. I know it's what we do to make money, pay the bills and put food on the table but it can be all consuming. I know it will get better with time. Thanks for your reply. He is quite an understanding dh.

Nibblenic - your husband sounds awesome.

 

[Spudtastic]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm glad to hear that it's not just me that is too tired for sex. I know it'll improve with time.

 

[Left wonderin]

Thanks for writing the post spud !! I'm so glad its not just me ...with a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old the very last thing in the world I want is sex !! To shower alone yes its also logistically impossible right now oh co sleeping with Ds and me in another room co sleeping with dd .. By the time our house settles its all I can do to keep my eyes open or even have a conversation . Luckily oh is as exhausted at the moment and never really had a high sex drive . Surviving the day in tact is an achievement

 

[XtattoochickX]

I think mine and DH problem is doing it with LO watching us in her cot 😡😡
DH seems to not be bothered but i feel wrong like can we not wait till LO is asleep
We have sex everyday to every 3 or 4 days
Tho today we did it 3 times haha like old times
I think its hard tho with kids u just dont get that time to lay in bed or early nights anymore
We just fit it in when we can i guess lol the whole build up is out the window tho its more like take your clothes off and hurry up 😂😂😂😂