Husband talking about me behind my back to best friend?

[BabyKiwi]

My husband talks to my best friend in person and on facebook and complains about me to her ( talking about fights we have etc).

I found out because my friend brought it up casually the other day.

Am I right in thinking this is out of line? Or is this pretty normal? I understand venting, but I'm unhappy that the venting is to my best (and only close) friend. About me.


I haven't said anything to him about it but I feel really hurt.

Thoughts?

 

[Larkspur]

Ummmmmm, that's totally out of line. And so is your best friend not saying to him, "Hey dude, find someone else to moan to, I don't wanna hear it."

 

[Samiam03]

I wouldn't mind venting but to YOUR friend is out of line. You have every right to be upset. Does he not have any man friends or his own friends? No reason he needs to complain about you to yours!

 

[BlondeShorty]

Extremely out of line.. I would be livid personally. Maybe he's hoping your friend will say something to you about something that's bugging him and that you'll listen to the friend over him and he's just misguided.. But I would still be quite upset over that. It just doesn't sound right.. doesn't he have friends of his own he could vent to?

 

[jessicatunnel]

That is WAY out of line. I would say something to my DH if he ever did that.

 

[Indigo77]

Totally out of line....

 

[vancouver_mom]

I think this is way out of line. If he wants to talk to anyone, he should talk to you about it. If he has to vent, it should be to one of his buddies that you're not close with.

Did you ask what your friend what she says to him when he vents?

 

[BabyKiwi]

Thanks everyone for replies. On phone as trying to calm baby. Vancouver_mom after she told me I read his fb messages (naughty i know but i needed to know she wasnt making stuff up) and she takes the opportunity to give her opinion and bitch about me too.

 

[Vickie]

^I'd be mad at both of them that's completely out of line IMO

 

[Randianne]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I'd be livid.

 

[BlondeShorty]

I have a very suspicious mind and would find it very odd that they're doing that.

I woudl talk to your husband and tell him it's extremely out of line and that you don't want the two of them talking at all. I'd also tell your friend the same thing as to me, the two of them bitching about you together is not something either a best friend or husband should do.

 

[BabyKiwi]

Does anyone have any ideas about how to approach it with him? He has anger issues and gets upset easily.

 

[Larkspur]

I hope this guy has positive attributes that you're not mentioning too.

I would just sit him down and give it to him straight, but aim to ask questions and find out why he's doing it with a view to fixing the problem rather than chewing him out.

"Hon, I need to talk to you about something that is bothering me. [Best Friend] mentioned to me that when you're upset with me about something, you've been venting to her by message on Facebook. Can you tell me why you're doing that?"

If he says he needs someone to vent to, and she knows you best, maybe you could say something like:

"Okay, I understand what it's like when you just want to get something off your chest or bounce an idea off someone. But I'm just not comfortable with it being her. It puts her in the middle and that's not fair to her or me. Do you have another friend you could talk to? Or - better still - can you try to talk to me?"

If he says "You won't understand, you'll just go off on me," you could consider saying something like: "That's probably been the case in the past, I admit. But I've been thinking about it and I really want to work on our communication. I know that takes effort from both sides. That's what I'm trying to do here - I could have gotten mad and yelled at you for talking to her behind my back, but I realise that's no good for our relationship, so I'm trying to understand where you're coming from and talk it out calmly. So how about if I promise that I'm going to try harder to really listen to you and try to understand your perspective instead of fighting, you'll promise to do the same thing and talk to me when you're upset with me instead of going to her?"

 

[sandilion]

Wow i don't know what to think about this behavior from both your DH and so called best friend.

Sounds like he could very well be going to her to have a bitch about you because he knows she will be all ears and will engage in this bitching.

I think that's horrible of them both ... as far as bringing it up, i wouldn't let his bad temper intimidate you and its pretty bad that you are concerned with how to bring it up because he might get angry....sounds like he has some issues he needs to see someone about as this behavior is nor acceptable, nor normal. Thats not how husbands behave at all. And as for this 'friend' id be telling her where to go.

 

[Indi84]

Out of line I'd be so hurt if my husband did that, and I'm sure it's out if context because it's the Web, but I can't imagine not being able to ask my dh anything ever, the fact you mention anger issues sounds like he'd get mad at you?

 

[libbylou]

I would find that completely out of line if it were my DH.
Larkspur had a good suggestion above

 

[BabyKiwi]

I talked to him, he thinks im being irrational and unreasonable and not normal but has agreed to stop.

Thanks everyone, and especially larkspur. He's meant to be getting help for depression and anger issues which is the only reason I'm staying. I have my own mental health issues but I'm going to see a therapist and following self help books so I can heal fast and be the best I can be. He just told me he's too busy to see a counsellor for 3 months now. I'm in the bathroom in tears (if I cry in front of him he says I'm manipulative). I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months. But leaving would be really hard and he is a great guy without the anger and depression. Sometimes I think I'm going mad!

 

[greats]

I'd probably kill my DH if he even attempted to talk to my best friend about anything behind my back, that's just weird & not appropriate.

 

[BabyBoyLove12]

I talked to him, he thinks im being irrational and unreasonable and not normal but has agreed to stop.

Thanks everyone, and especially larkspur. He's meant to be getting help for depression and anger issues which is the only reason I'm staying. I have my own mental health issues but I'm going to see a therapist and following self help books so I can heal fast and be the best I can be. He just told me he's too busy to see a counsellor for 3 months now. I'm in the bathroom in tears (if I cry in front of him he says I'm manipulative). I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months. But leaving would be really hard and he is a great guy without the anger and depression. Sometimes I think I'm going mad!

I'm glad you talked to him about it and he agreed to stop. But if he just keeps saying he is going to get help and doesn't I can almost guarantee you he never will. I can say this because I was like that and I didn't seek help until I was forced into it. You shouldn't have to hide your tears, I know a lot of people (especially men) feel guilty when women cry, but that shouldn't mean you are being manipulative. Let him know how you feel...trust me I've suffered with depression all my life and emotions are part of it and you shouldnt be guilted into hiding them. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Scottish mum]

Out of line... I would kill mu oh if he done this to my best friends!!

He should be talking to you or worst case his friends not yours!! This is not fair on you as who do you vent to!! You need to have serious words with him. Is he trying to hurt you by talking to your friend? As it's obvious it would get back to you sometime. Xx