I can't believe it!!!!

[sophieee18]

Im lost for words. I can't talk to friends or family because they don't really understand me so im hoping some of you girls will.

A bit of background - me and alfie's dad split up when i was 35 weeks pregnant. When alfie was born he said he wasnt ready to be a dad, signed his b/c and we never heard from him since.

Now 16 months down the line I get a message on facebook saying, call me on ***** I miss alfie, I cant stop thinking about him. Please ring me and we can come to some agreement. (funnily enough I got a phonecall from the CSA 2 days previous saying that they have tracked him down after 9 months of looking and he is now paying me £5 a week!! No job, no girlfriend, no money and hes paying for a child he's never met ..... Surely thats the only reason he's got into contact?? )

Anyway I've text him and we've arranged to meet up next sunday at a soft play center so he can go and play with alfie but I can keep and eye on him. We are going to continue to do this for an hour every other sunday for the time being and then maybe more days can be arranged.

The thing is I DO NOT trust him with my son, one bit!!!

Also, Alfie is VERY wary about strangers and I don't think alfie is going to like the idea of playing with him.

Deep down it is breaking my heart. Soon its going to be alfie spending the whole day with his dad, and then over night visits! Im a VERY independant mum. I've raised alfie single handedly and on the odd occcasion Alfie will stay at my mums house to give me a break and I practically wake up crying because I miss him so much.

We have a huge mother-son bond and he is very clingy to me. If I leave him with someone he hates the idea of it and crys until I return, even someone he knows very well. We also co-sleep and he can't sleep without me beside him.

ANYWAY.......

I know you're all thinking I need to let go and let him bond with his father but I honestly don't think I can. When we we're together he was violent towards me so I wouldn't be comfortable with letting Alfie go alone to his house.
It's tearing me apart!

 

[AbbynChloe]

For whats it's worth I think you are being very brave, after all of that i'd find it very very hard if not impossible to trust him..

.... I also think you are amazing for giving him a chance after all this time, and yeah it may be CSA related - but that will come out very quickly if thats the case.

When Chloe was Alfies age she was also very clingy it was only me and her, co sleep the works. The one thing about kids is that they are very adaptive, it may take a little time, but if dad is consistent and regular Alfie will be ok...

If there is anything ask you want to ask - feel free and los of for you both xxxxxx

 

[Kacie]

Firstly huge

Secondly, don't panic about what may or may not happen down the line.

If Alfie is very wary and clingy then the chances are that FOB will struggle and maybe back away from further visits as it is too awkward? Or he may continue them, build them up and then as his relationship with Alfie grows then your confidence in him might as well. You know it is something you have to do for Alfie's sake but if you feel at any point that Alfie is suffering/distressed because of it then you can ease back on it. You know your son better than anyone. You are being very amazing and brave as AbbynChloe said for giving him the chance.

Just take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

Good luck for the first meeting

xxxx

 

[MummyJade]

do it all on your own terms... you know your son best... his dad needs to build up a relationship with your son and trust with you.... you dont have to just send your son off with him as he does not know his dad.. if you want to meet at soft play every week or whenever till your ready do it... x

 

[Becyboo__x]

My ex pretty much did the same.. but he left me 16 weeks pregnant
and few weeks later got with another girl for nearly the next 2yrs! ..
blocked all contact with me .. and soon as i get csa involved he soon
wants to know plus the fact he splits with his fiance.. but she made him pick
her or his son.. which is disgusting to me..

but anyway we did the dna etc and came back positive and i went to
meet like you did for like an hour on a park.. went fine, i hadn't seen him
since he left me.. but from then we met regular and im the same as you
I would NEVER trust him with my son iv brought him up and carried him with
no support except family and friends and im pretty independant

Just deal with it how you want to deal with it all you know best after all
i think im the type to make someone work for things specially if theyve done
something like totally abandand a child

I hope everything works out the way you want it to!

 

[mamashakesit]

plus the fact he splits with his fiance.. but she made him pick
her or his son.. which is disgusting to me..

This is just BAFFLING to me as well. When I was in my mid-20's, I dated a guy who had a kid he never saw (although he did pay support). Even being childless at the time and even though he was a really nice guy who WANTED to see his daughter...I just couldn't date someone who didn't and broke up with him.

But now my FOB dates single mothers all the time. WHAT are these women thinking, being single mothers themselves and dating a DEADBEAT?

I should actually start this in another thread, like I intended to.

 

[sie35]

to be honest reading the first part of your post i thought you were being unfair towards your son until you mentioned violence towards yourself from him im sorry but the first time he layed hands on you he forfited any atomatic right to bring his son up unsupervised ive 4 young boys one disabled they drive you mad crieing screaming demanding being unreasonable far worse than any woman could and if you couldent stop yourself lashing out violently when a woman did it you have no chance with a toddler screaming your doing right dont trust him your not getting revenge your priorotising your sons safty

 

[sophieee18]

Thank you for all your kind words. Today is the day I have to face the man who broke my heart! I hope all goes well but I'm so nervous.

We spoke on the phone a few days ago and that was heard enough but now I've got to face him and I'm dreading it. Wish me luck x

 

[emf81]

Hope all has gone well xx

 

[Donna35]

If he's been violent then I would not allow him unsupervised contact at all ever. Nor would a court so if I were you I'd see someone to sort contact centres and tell them why