I can't cope

[yellow45]

Hi,
This is really hard for me to write.
I live in Thailand with my husband and 8 month old baby. We've lived here for 4 years and used to love it. I was a teacher and my husband works over the internet. Since I got pregnant we've been plagued by money problems and have been in really bad situations. A lot of our friends have moved on and it's really hard to meet new ones. Without me working, my husband working from home and this being such a tourist destination it's really difficult.
I just feel like I can't cope. Our little one doesn't sleep through the night, she's been really difficult to get to sleep and not a great eater. I just can't handle it. I feel so alone and stuck. There's nowhere for me to take her during the day times while he works, it's so hot out I'm so scared of her getting burnt.
There is one baby group that meet up, none of them are English (I know this is stupid to say) but I just can't connect with them and it makes me feel even lonelier going.
My husband is being so supportive. He helps look after our baby so much and has even offered to sleep in the spare room and do all the night feeds.
I just don't want to get up in the morning, I feel so low, and I have no patience at all. I feel awful for it. I even screamed at my daughter this morning because she wouldn't eat and kept throwing everything on the floor.
We can't move because we have pets who we wouldn't be able to leave and we just couldn't afford to move everything at the moment. Also, we can cope on my husbands wage if we live here but not back in the UK.
I always dreamed of becoming a mum and wanting a lot of children but now I can't cope with the one. I just don't know what to do, I can't get out of this. I keep thinking maybe I should just go to the pharmacy and try and get some anti depressants but my husband doesn't agree.
I just miss being around people so much. My last friend moved from here two weeks ago and since then it's just been us three. I just feel like walking out the door constantly. They would be so much better without me. I always shout at her and my husband and I always argue and I know it's because I'm being pathetic and weak.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that anti-depressants will help and you shouldn't avoid them if your hubb doesn't think so but you do.
You must feel really isolated, that is hard to deal with! Seriously, it sounds time to seek some help from a doc. Whether it's medication or counseling, this stress is keeping you from being the best mommy and partner and person you can be. all the best to you

 

[sethsmummy]

oh hun im so sorry your feeling this way. It does sound a lot like Post partum depression Being a parent is such a hard job and when you dont have a support system around you its even harder. I definitely suggest at least talking to a doctor if you can about how you are feeling

 

[MindUtopia]

I think what you're feeling is totally normal in many ways, especially given your living situation (being an expat is hard, especially when there isn't much of a community), but it also sounds like you might be experiencing some postnatal depression too. Do you have a doctor you trust who you could go see? I know you can just go to the pharmacy and get whatever, but I wouldn't just guess at what might be the right treatment for you in this situation. Talk to someone you feel you can trust and see if it helps. I think there is also something to be said for getting out of the house more. I know it sounds like you don't have much of an English speaking community of other families around you, but could you find one? Where have you met your friends in the past? Are there expat community groups, activities, online groups, whatever where you might be able to reach out to someone? Could you move in-country to an area that has more English speaking families? More than likely, there is someone else feeling very much like you who doesn't feel like they have anyone to talk with either. If you can figure out where to look for them and strike up a conversation, you'll make one other mum friend and it at least gives you a reason to go out and meet up for coffee once a week. I would also say, if you can, try to keep going to the baby group. I know you feel like you don't fit in, but sometimes just making yourself go to a scheduled activity each week, even if it's uncomfortable or you really don't want to go, eventually makes you feel a lot better. I know this really helped me. I didn't often even talk to many people to start, but it forced me to get out of the house and then I felt a lot better. Other things like having weekly activities you make sure you get out and do might help too, swimming every Tuesday (go in the morning or late afternoon to avoid as much of the sun and heat as possible) or every Friday go to the beach, sit under an umbrella out of the sun, and do some sand play or water play or whatever with your LO. Just having a routine where you're getting out and doing certain things can just help everything feel more manageable.

As for friends, I would just give it time to make some new ones. It's really hard in that sense to be an expat (my husband and I used to live in India, so I can completely relate, though we didn't have our daughter then). You don't have a ready made community and language barriers can be an issue and people are very transient, always moving around and back home, but you've made friends there before and you can again. It's just hard to do anything when you have a new baby. But it will happen and you will feel a bit more normal once things settle down. I know though that it's hard when friends leave. It totally changes the character of everything and it's lonely. But it can pick up again. Just focus for now on getting yourself feeling a bit better, and that may include seeing a doctor to get some support for yourself emotionally so you can ride out this tough time.

 

[MumToEva]

Sorry you are feeling like this Hun. I think a lot of people have this romantic notion of what it will be like having children, but the reality can be so different! It can be very lonely and isolating! I'd definitely suggest going and having a chat with your doctor about it - I'm like your husband in that I wouldn't want to take antidepressants unless absolutely necessary, but they have their place too, even if just to get yourself pastthis really low stage and then wean yourself off them. It's your body atthe end of the day, and if the alternative is you contemplating walking out on your family, then surely antidepressants are the better option! Have you explained to your husband just how low you are feeling? It sounds like he's being a really good support to you though.

Making some positive changes to my routine helped me to get past my low stage after my daughter - making sure I ate well, got some gentle regular exercise every day (for me that was walking with the pram), going to bed early as necessary to make sure I got enough sleep, and making sure I kept a good structure to my day (up and dressed at the same time each day, meals and naps on a good schedule). I know you said it gets very hot there, but is there a cooler time of the day that you could get out and about during?