I can't stand....

[Kittique]

My Mum... I know it sounds awful to even say it, but she's pushed me to the brink of sanity and even seeing her name come up on my phone makes my stress levels shoot up and I start to hyperventilate. I have stopped answering her calls and now have to have my DH talk to her.. I think I just need a rant and someone to give me something....any suggestions on how best to cope with her.. or am I overreacting...I don't feel like I am.

Our situation is really complicated, I live in her house. She lives at my grandmas house as her carer as she is ill, I used to live with my grandma and we swapped after I found out i was pregnant because I could not carry on with the heavy lifting, cleaning of mess etc and I work full -time too. I still do visit of course and help out. My mum comes home occasionally. She has not asked for any rent but my DH has redecorated the whole house and bought new things like washing machine etc. Just trying to do what we can to help out while trying to pay off our own debt. It has been very helpful to stay here and I really do appreciate it.

My mum hasn't worked for 27 years because of a variety of mental health issues and cancer (8 years ago) though honestly - she is perfectly capable and able and has been for years. She is very out of touch with the real world and doesn't even understand tax and national insurance. She gets disability benefits and has a mortgage (privately owned home) but doesn't pay it because she doesn't feel like she should as she has no money, so we have been paying the shortfall. She constantly complains when she gets a letter that shows the mortgage amount has stayed the same - I honestly don't know what she expects. She spends all her money on dresses on ebay and cheap items from china, has multiple catalogue accounts she does not pay and we are constantly getting letters at both her address and my grandmas for overdue bill payments. Anyways, it is clear from this that my Mum and I do not share the same world view. I believe in being rewarded for working hard, paying bills and being responsible and she seems to live in a dream world where everything is handed to her. She has no interests apart from a group of friends who go out to lunch and now - my daughter.

She has said on a number of occasions 'people say having a grandaughter is like having your own baby all over again' and 'I can't wait to take her to mother and baby groups', and the other day after visiting a friend who has just had a grandaughter 'oh its lovely their baby is attached to the grandparent more than the mum!' I could have punched her at that moment (I am not violent, I just felt like I was losing the will to live!!!) It's like she expect this baby to be hers. She has already made plans on where is taking her with her friends and her friends grandkids - people I have never even met.

I am struggling with how little she seems to respect me and my wishes for my child. She continually buys things that I do not want for the baby such as items from China (which i unfortunately struggle to trust as they are usually not very well made/safe...) - a pink, fluffly, diamante encrusted coat with frills and lace all over it that molts everywhere, fake armani and Dior glittery accessories for newborns. DH and I have explained to her a number of times we appreciate she wants to buy things but we do not want our daughter to wear these items. She simply says OK she will only wear them when I have her then.. She has now started to buy items for 12-18 months when we have explained - we are moving into private rent in the summer, we currently have nowhere to store items for over a year!! I don't need her to keep buying these things! I tell her to pay her bills instead of wasting the money on this and she doesn't listen. She has very little tact when speaking to her and will not listen to anyones opinion, she starts talking over you, and when you try to respond she will start looking the other way or start a conversation with someone else, or even worse... just get her phone out.

She makes sweeping comments about how disgusting she finds something (eg a tattoo her niece got) and then looks at me for a response ( I have 12 tattoos!!). I honestly think she just does this to irritate me - what does she expect me to say to that? she then went on about how its destroying your body and she had eczema how can people get a tattoo when people have skin conditions? I just despair????

When baby is born I have asked if we could have a week on our own afterwards so we can recover and get to know our baby. Bearing in mind at the moment, she does not come to the house for weeks at a time. She has said she wants to be there every day and will be moving back in ASAP and she will find someone else to care for Grandma. She wants to be in the birth room (DH has put his foot down and told her she will not be there) and wants to be waiting outside instead. The thought of this just makes me stressed just thinking about it. I took her to one of my appointments, she spoke FOR me, didn't let me get a word in, then proceeded to TELL ME how it went and what happened - like I wasn't there?

What gets me even more is she has had a cough for 6 months. I have been going on at her for at least 3 months to see a doctor, it took her until last week to go to the DR who has told her she has a severe viral infection and needs blood tests and an Xray. She told me this last week so I said ok when is the appointment for this 'I dont know'..... I said well ring the hospital? 'I dont have the blood test form'.... I lose my patience with her even more so at the moment and end up just shouting at her why can't you just get it - I will even get it for her! she just respons 'I cant because I am not nearby'. This has been going on for weeks, she has to drive 20 mins to the dr surgery to pick up the forms and then go to the hospital to wait for the blood test etc, but she won't do it. She is too lazy. She cannot be bothered to do that for herself or for the safety of her grandaughter. We have been told our baby has IUGR, she is going to be small, she knows this. I have flat out told her she IS NOT coming anywhere near her with a viral infection until she has her tests done and we know what is wrong. She again refuses and says 'oh its fine ill just wear a mask!' and starts laughing. I CANNOT do this any more!!!! I just want her to go away! I feel so horrible saying it but she is just a nightmare to be around and I can't stand her anymore.

She has just set me off again as shes just rang me (wasn't going to pick it up, wish i hadn't) to tell me a letter has come for me with a bill for £1250 demanding it immediately (council tax) and she 'just thought she'd let me know' and hangs up. She lost the last CT letter...so now it's gone overdue (she only told me friday! I pay the CT at my grandmas) No information, I don't have my car to go get the letter so now I'm just like .... WTF was the purpose of that??

How am i supposed to handle this! I am starting to think we just need to move out now, though it means we can't pay any of our debts off and will just be going straight into private rent which we can only just barely afford as it is Am I just over reacting. My emotions are so screwed right now my stress levels from her just send me into a complete state. I have also been going through a legal dispute at work over my SMP, started a new job 2 months ago I don't know how much more i can take I am starting to hate everyone even DH!!!

 

[Kittique]

Oh my god I am so sorry. That is so long....

got carried away there...

 

[JumpingIn]

Does your mum have ADHD? It sounds like she really struggles to keep on top of essential practical tasks, to motivate herself, to control shopping impulses and to be tactful. It sounds like she monopolises conversations and doesn't recognise when it's best to stand back. She clearly does have a lot of problems going on and I understand how difficult it must be to live with, especially in your situation.

I wonder if maybe you could ask her outright if she is having difficulty in getting things done...Maybe say you're concerned about her as you've noticed she lets a lot of essential things slide, like going to the doctor about her cough and paying bills.

Of course she would have to be self-aware enough to have realised she's struggling in order for this to be any use. She may well just brush you off. In that case, you have to maintain clear boundaries. Of course your newborn can't be near her until she's sorted it out, that's perfectly reasonable.

I think what might help you is to see these things as part of a problem she has rather than just her being "lazy". I understand entirely why you say that, but I'm sure she'd be devastated if she knew that's what you thought. It sounds like she's trying, with letting you stay and looking after grandma and buying things...Albeit in a very clumsy way!

Regarding bills, make it clear to her in every conversation that they are her responsibility. I would be calm and cool about this. The phonecall you got about her CT bill, I would say something like "Oh no, you'll have to find that money then. You poor thing" and that would be that.

So sorry you're dealing with so much right now. I don't know the answer about moving into private rent. It would definitely help to create some healthy distance between you. It sounds like your relationship is a bit too intertwined at the moment and she's not aware of the boundaries between you.

You and your little family must come first, so if the stress is too much, you can tell her outright that you find talking about her bills and responsibilities a bit too stressful right now and so you're stepping back. As long as you are not aggressive about it and remain calm, that's totally reasonable.

 

[Kittique]

Thanks to your reply to my slightly manic post! Feel a bit embarrassed writing it all now... I don't usually get this stressed out but it's really affecting me badly lately

I do feel that my mum clearly has underlying problems that cause her to behave this way, it's just so very frustrating when I have tried so hard to help and so has my grandma (she paid her bills for the past 25 years!) but she still can't seem to, as you say be self aware enough to take responsibility. But whether this is because of a true illness or not, I just don't know.

It does seem clear that we are not going to establish a healthy relationship with clear boundaries whilst we are living so closely. It looks like we are just going to have to move out earlier than we had planned and deal with that because I now fear the stress will affect my ability to bond with baby/breast feeding etc as it can be very detrimental. I am also going to have a chat with DH later for him to be quite clear with her on boundaries as it is his child too! He often just feels guilty and doesn't want to upset her so says nothing and lets me get on with it..

Anyway thank you very much for your reply, I don't want to come across as lacking in understanding for her or blame her for being lazy. It is sometimes hard to view things objectively when you get so deep into it! It can help to have an objective view from someone else

 

[eventerjj]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this! It does sound like there are some real issues and not just you being over emotional.

I would completely agree with not coming near the baby mask or not until you know what the viral infection is. It doesn't matter if she is IUGR or any new born; things like that can be so quickly fatal to babies or cause major hospital stays. If you said something to the nurses at L&D, I would be surprised if they even let her in that area if they don't know what it is.

Unfortunately you can't control when or what she buys, but it doesn't mean it has to stick around the house. While boundaries are really difficult to set, especially when someone makes you feel guilty, they will be essential for not carrying stress forward.

Good luck with everything and I really hope things get easier soon.

 

[Delphine11]

No wonder you're stressed! Your mum sounds like she has her own issues that could be making her behave this way.

This is just a suggestion so please don't take offence, but a relative of mine acted in a similar way and it transpired she had some kind of compulsive/depressive problem. She was continually buying things that she didn't really need, and it was like that was her crutch. Although she was outwardly loud and confident (she always talked about herself and almost boasted sometimes), underneath she must have been quite miserable.

I don't know if your mum has ever had that kind of illness, but sometimes people are good at hiding it. If she visits her GP you could always tell the GP your fears beforehand just so he/she can be alert for depression or other problems when your mum visits.

Sometimes people say they can't deal with bills and stuff like that, but the underlying issue is a general kind of depression. The fact your mum's so focussed on your baby could also suggest that.

But - you need to think about yourself and your DH and your baby right now. If it was me, I'd move out. This would reduce the stress on you and may show your mum that she can't just push her wishes onto you (eg being at the birth) Sometimes creating a bit of distance between oneself and a parent helps.

As for the viral infection - no way would I have her near my baby if she was my mum and had that. Only you can judge how 'fragile' your mum is, but you might want to consider putting your foot down and being firm. Let her make her excuses, but then say "Fine, that's up to you. But you're not seeing the baby until you're clear of infection".

I know it's very hard when you're dealing with your mother, but sometimes you do have to draw a firm line and step away a little.

 

[kajastarlight]

My Step Mom is very much like that and it has taken many years to get to this point, but basically I have had to distance myself from her and my father to the point that I only see them *maybe* once a year. It is sad sometimes but it is the way it has to be. Her kids have let her "raise" their kids and her grandkids are starting to let her raise their kids and everyone thinks she is a saint and I don't know how they can't understand how controling she really is. She encourages all the girls in the family to focus on looks and not education so they can just find a "nice man" to take care of them and not have to worry about working. She convinsed her daughters, daughter in law, and he grandchildren's girlfriends not to breastfeed their babys because they wouldn't be able to stay the night with her and then when I did not follow suit she called CPS on me and told them I was too obsessed with breastfeeding my child and that his health was suffering for it! CPS looked into her accusations and found them 100% unjust but that didn't stop her from reporting it 3 more times.... That is really just the tip of the messed up things she has done. After a bit I realized that, no matter how badly I wanted to have my Dad in my life, he came with her and I just could not handle her crappola anymore. Crazy thing is I still love her because she is family ... and it hurts that this is the way it is but my kids and I really are better for it. You may need to come to a similar realization too.