I caved in...need to vent, I hate him!

[Mally01]

Really, really should follow the advice I give to others about ignoring the ex and letting him disappear.Sorry if this is long but I am so upset right now.

I actually texted him earlier because I had forgotten it was his birthday two days ago. He ignored me, then I got a phone call from a friend of mine who I grew up with who always LOVED to get one up on me in life (first to get a boyfriend, she got married,I didn't, she only dates rich men, I don't give a toss etc) So she is gloating BIG style on the phone about the fact that she is pregnant and that her partner (she got divorced before) is over the moon and he has gone out and bought stuff for her and the baby and is fussing over her, yada yada. She asks me how I am and I am just not in the mood to say 'yeah well I am pregnant too' Because I know she will ask about the FOB and I don't want to go there.

It made me sooo mad that I can't really celebrate this baby like normal couples do because I don't want to have to explain or lie to people that I know that actually I'm now a dumped pregnant lady (I know most people would be nice to me about it but that's not the point) I sent my first mad text to the ex. I told him 'had he conveniently forgotten that I was having his baby? My Scan is on Monday, not that he cares and that he is lucky I am not over his house asking for child support after the way he has treated me'.

I am seriously, seriously thinking about making his life a misery right now. I feel like I want all his friends, the girls he flirts with on facebook and his brother to know that he left his pregnant girlfriend and is now ignoring her. He loves for people to think how wonderful and kind he is and how life has been sooo tough on him ( oh! also I asked a mutual aquaintance of his that he has known for many years about him losing his daughter......he says 'I'm not aware that he has ever had kids?') I am fuming to even consider, to even fathom that the a***hole may have even lied about having a child that died to get out of this pregnancy- making him the wounded animal that I have to be kind to.

I still have not received a response from him. I am wondering if he has changed his number? I just do not want him to get away scott free from this. I was not going to threaten him with future child support warning but I am close to doing this today, am scared he would leave the country. Is it so wrong, so bad to feel so utterly upset that the man I loved is now treating me like a bunny boiler just because I want what is best for my child. Blocking me on facebook, ignoring me, what next? I didn't deserve this, I am so sad our relationship turned crap like this.

 

[Laura2919]

You've messaged him now if he dont reply thats his choice, it is only him that is missing out. You just continue doing what your doing.

Dont do anything to make his life a misery it will only reflect bad on you at this point.

 

[Mally01]

Dont do anything to make his life a misery it will only reflect bad on you at this point.

Laura do you mean don't tell people that he knows that he's the Daddy or demand child support from him in case it reflects bad on any possible custody rights in future for me, or just that he will be mad with me if i get mad with him?

 

[Laura2919]

Dont do anything to make his life a misery it will only reflect bad on you at this point.

Laura do you mean don't tell people that he knows that he's the Daddy or demand child support from him in case it reflects bad on any possible custody rights in future for me, or just that he will be mad with me if i get mad with him?

I mean him in general. Dont do anything with him anymore. Just dont message him. You messaged him for his birthday and you didnt get a reply, now dont bother. He cant be that bothered if he dont wanna reply to a simple message regarding his birthday.

 

[dustbunny]

I think we might be in the same boat with regards to not knowing when to give up [hope I havent spoken out of turn]. But you have given me some brilliant advice and it sadden me to see that your ex is continuing to be a prick.
Maybe you should block his number from your phone. If he doesn't want to be involved then don't let him be and if he moans later on at you for not including him then you can fire it all back in his face. Maybe to do so now would be to show all your cards too soon.
If he has lied about his previous child dying then he is a disgusting individual and should only serve to be added to the list of why he is being a dick and should not be contacted.
If he is that interested he'll find a way to contact you somehow and find out what is going on.

 

[Mally01]

Thanks hun. I know what you mean about not giving up. I think if it was a normal break up with no baby involved, I wouldn't even dream of contacting him for fear of appearing to bunny boilerish. I have calmed doiwn today and it is futile to try and make him see sense. Even though it's callous and awful behaviour, you can't change someone's mind, if it doesn't want to be changed.

 

[saitiffeh]

Reminds me a lot of my ex... he lied to me for FOUR YEARS about having a son and wife that had passed. He aid the boy was killed by a drunk driver and his wife took her own life shortly after. I found out about 2 months ago that they are both alive and well in a town not far from me! GO FIGURE!!

Some men just don't know how to be fathers. Sometimes, people are unable to love a child as much as they love themselves.

 

[carlyjade86]

Hi Mally,
I've just popped over from ttc and just want to give you some hope that life will get better for you! Here is my story which I hope will give you some hope...
I was with my sons father for 7mths. We finished after I learnt he was sleepin with my best mate at the same time. 3weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I turned 17 the day after, and 3 days after my bfp, I told my parents and then told him.
At 1st he was good about it, told me not to worry and it will be ok. 3 days later he was refusing to believe the baby was his.
From that point, he made my life hell. He rang my works and told them I was a slag who'd had countless abortions (never had 1 in my life!!) He rang my mother and told her the same thing. He hacked my MSN account (facebook didn't exist then) and caused arguments between me and my friends by pretending to be me. Also while pretending to be me, he was tellin people "its not shanes baby, its some guys from Walkabout Toilets!" - nice!! I really learnt who my friends were at that point...
At Halloween he spray painted 'slut' on my mothers frontdoor.
He phoned the police on countless occasions sayin I was ringing and texing him all the time (I didn't had a mobile. They weren't like an extra limb like they are now!)
I also had an annon email sayin if I carried on sayin it was his baby, would anyone find all my pieces.

Yet, 2mth before my DS was born, he got my new mobile number and we started talkin again. We got back 2getha a mth later (secretly) and DS was born. Parents weren't happy but they let me get on with it. When DS was 4mths, I was presented with a DNA test which 3wks later confirmed I was tellin the truth (which he knew all along!)

We moved in togetha, our relationship was awful. He was mentally abusive and after 6mths I left.

I have never used my child as a pawn or to be spiteful, but regardless of that he has continued to lie and take me to court time and time again. Amongst loads of other grief I've had which I won't drone on about, I've done that enough. Lol.

Basically, what I'm tryin to say is that I have only 1 regret in my life, and that's EVER tellin him it was his baby! I believe children should have both parents but ONLY if that parent is worthy!
My Son is 7 now and he can see his father for what he is. A waster. He is closer to my OH than he has ever been with his father - even tho he has weekly contact with him!
Infact, when I had only been with OH a few mths, his friends were sayin to DS 'is that your Dad?" DS said to me "why do they think that? He's not like my dad... He's better than my dad!!"

So please don't worry... I know its hard and scary but he's the 1 who's going to miss out! U'll be a fantastic mother and I'm sure ur child will have everything it will ever want! Don't force him to be a part of ur babys life... If he wants to be, and if he's a real man, he will step up to the plate himself!

Stay strong and independant for you and ur baby. Doing it on ur own is better than doin it with some1 who's doing it half heartedly!
(Sorry for long message

 

[Mally01]

Thanks Carly. I'm really sorry you had to go through that with your ex, what a tool! He sounds like he went mentally insane or something. Men can be strange creatures when they don't get their own way and they behave a bit more irrational than women sometimes.

I'm glad I sent my ex nasty texts as I have been treading on egg shells before because I had to be sensitive to him and 'understand' what he was going through. I just let my feelings out and got it off my chest about what I really think of him right now. I think I will probably just never see him again and that is that. Like others have said, his loss. He has no family really (apart from a brother who lives abroad) So his only real family would be his kid and he is throwing that away. At least I have my parents, brother, sis in law and great friends. He has nothing, so hey ho, you make your bed.......

 

[Lemonflower]

Oh Mally!! You sound like me. (fob has left me - he also lost me a lot of money, stole from me and is damn right nasty, he picks and chooses the days whether he believes the baby is his!!)
I kept trying to contact him a couple of weeks ago despite all this begging for him back!!! I wrote him a loonng letter, text him and called him! He ignored it all other than answering his phone and telling me to, "f**k off".
I feel pretty broken but at least we can say to our children that we tried!!
Do you hate him but then miss him then love him and think of the good times you could have or sometimes even feel pity and sadness that he's going to miss so much? I wish I could just feel the hate part and get on with things it'd be so much easier!!
Carly your story is truely inspirational! I'm glad you posted here!!
You say you regret telling the fob the baby was his, why is that?
I'm in a muddle, my fob knows the baby is his I think he says it to be spiteful cos he then threatens to take me to court! (which he will the family has money)
What happened when you went to court?

Xxxx

 

[Mally01]

Lemonflower, I'm so sorry your guy behaved like that. I didn't have any nasty, verbal reactions from my ex (just silence) and he has never challenged that the baby is his (he has more sense) But we never know what these guys are saying or thinking do we?.

I had a lovely chat with a single mum yesterday who was visiting at my friends house. She told me that she was married for 10 years! and her husband practically harassed her constantly to have kids and she wouldn't budge until a year ago when she gave in and got pregnant. During the pregnancy, because she wouldn't have sex, he had an affair with a co-worker and then left her! He wants nothing to do with their child, refuses to pay support and to add insult to injury, he has moved in with this colleague and looks after her and her two kids financially! The a-hole even forced her to get a DNA test to prove it was his baby! This woman was also sweet and kind to talk to but so anti-men it was unreal. I kind of try and think how some people are worse off than me and get some perspective. This lovely lady also said that she acted like a woman possessed when he left her and she would not have wanted him back/ sent letters/ texts etc if it wasn't for the baby.

I reckon we are probably both trying harder than we would normally with these FOB's because we want a Daddy for our kids. To be honest, if my ex had just dumped me and left without me being pregnant, I wouldn't have bothered sending one text or making one phone call. I miss him constantly but in reality, as the more time goes by and the more silence I get from him now, I can't justify wanting to get back with him.

 

[mamashakesit]

I can't believe how many of these spineless thugs who don't take care of their kids are out there. I had a miserable pregnancy because of my FOB...I felt like the biggest idiot when I kept taking him back, yet I kept believing the "family" BS line he was handing me. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are others out there who understand.

In the last month, I finally had an epiphany about FOB. He will never change...and all the nasty texts, phone calls asking for him to help (and getting blatantly turned down and accused of using him as a meal ticket), all of his drama, lies and empty promises...none of it is any good to me. All it does is makes me cry and make me feel worse and it does nothing for my daughter to see me like that. I'm just tired of being pissed off and sad. He's not worth it. None of these punks are.

I too, will be distrusting of men for a long time. I don't know if I will ever want a relationship and I will probably never again have a baby...too traumatic of an experience for me. Thanks for the stories ladies! Made me feel better about how awful my FOB is.

 

[Mally01]

I can't believe how many of these spineless thugs who don't take care of their kids are out there. I had a miserable pregnancy because of my FOB...I felt like the biggest idiot when I kept taking him back, yet I kept believing the "family" BS line he was handing me. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are others out there who understand.

In the last month, I finally had an epiphany about FOB. He will never change...and all the nasty texts, phone calls asking for him to help (and getting blatantly turned down and accused of using him as a meal ticket), all of his drama, lies and empty promises...none of it is any good to me. All it does is makes me cry and make me feel worse and it does nothing for my daughter to see me like that. I'm just tired of being pissed off and sad. He's not worth it. None of these punks are.

I too, will be distrusting of men for a long time. I don't know if I will ever want a relationship and I will probably never again have a baby...too traumatic of an experience for me. Thanks for the stories ladies! Made me feel better about how awful my FOB is.

Don't ever lose heart though hun. There may be some guy out there who is perfect for you and who will love your baby. It's tough to think of that now (I can't imagine being with anyone for a looooong time) but one day you will feel better again and can start afresh. A lack of trust with men is never a bad thing, as it can be good protection for your heart when you first meet someone. I agree with you though about having another baby. I haven't even had my babba yet and there is no way I will do this again with another man, especially after speaking to that woman yesterday. You just never know, (Wow, even after 10 years of marriage and even if the man wants the kid!) if they will run off scared and leave. Uhuh no way will I trust a man with pregnancy again. Prob be better off meeting someone who also has a kid and doesn't want anymore.

 

[carlyjade86]

I felt like that, but now I'm all in love with someone who has taken on my son as his own, so has his family, and we are tryin for our own little baby. There is a decent man out there for all of us. We just have to wade thru a lot of bullshit before we find that 1. Keep the faith girls. Don't let 1 dickhead ruin the rest of ur life.

 

[xAmiixLouisex]

Don't purposely tell everyone what he's done. But when they ask, DO TELL! I spent ages covering up for my baby's father and he didn't deserve it. So now I'm totally honest about what he's done and the fact he ignores me.

 

[Lemonflower]

Yes AmixLouisex I don't tell people purposely what he's done/doing but if they ask I tell them briefly!

How are you Mally??
Have you heard anything from that "thing"? (he does not deserve the word man)
I'm with you, we cannot let one idiot ruin our chance of happiness with someone else.
I think it will be harder for us because they have to love and take on our child but I'm trying to remain positive!

Do you have a heartbeat appt soon?? I took my mum and it's amazing!!!

xxx

 

[Lemonflower]

Yes AmixLouisex I don't tell people purposely what he's done/doing but if they ask I tell them briefly!

How are you Mally??
Have you heard anything from that "thing"? (he does not deserve the word man)
I'm with you, we cannot let one idiot ruin our chance of happiness with someone else.
I think it will be harder for us because they have to love and take on our child but I'm trying to remain positive!

Do you have a heartbeat appt soon?? I took my mum and it's amazing!!!

xxx

 

[carlyjade86]

My OH and his Family are fantastic with my son. He even refers to OH as "my dad Tom" to his friends, and calls OH's parents nan and grandad now too. My Son has weekly contact with his 'father' but he knows exactly where his bread is buttered. Not all men are wasters. U'll find someone worthy. My mother did when I was a baby, and so have I. There's hope!

 

[Mally01]

Yes AmixLouisex I don't tell people purposely what he's done/doing but if they ask I tell them briefly!

How are you Mally??
Have you heard anything from that "thing"? (he does not deserve the word man)
I'm with you, we cannot let one idiot ruin our chance of happiness with someone else.
I think it will be harder for us because they have to love and take on our child but I'm trying to remain positive!

Do you have a heartbeat appt soon?? I took my mum and it's amazing!!!

xxx

I'm much better hunny, thanks for asking . After I texted him a few rants and some not very nice words ( I think 'I hope you rot in hell' was one of them) He answered about 3 days later saying he had broken his phone, that he just got a new one, he wasn't ignoring me, he had received my messages and that I should think before I speak to him like that. I didn't respond but after my scan last week (baby's heartbeat good and everything great ) I texted him the due date of the baby and....no response. I KNOW him as a person and I just don't know how he can live with himself doing this, he must be in denial or something or putting his hands over his ears saying 'la, la this is not happening'. He did not want to break up with me so he must be missing me or the stupid idiot never even loved me to begin with!, who knows, I will never understand men and I am in my late thirties!!