I don't love my baby

[sadmummyof2]

First time posting so I hope this is in the right place. If not then let me know and I'll move it.

I'm one week post partum with my second child, a girl. My eldest (a boy) is just turned 3. When I had my son I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. I had the usual baby blues and had trouble feeding the first few weeks and the guilt I felt at not being able to feed him (breastfeed) was immense. I felt like a complete failure. Like he deserved a better mummy. I'd sit and cry and apologise to him for being such a crap mummy and tell him he deserved better. But the feeding resolved itself and we moved on and I loved being a mummy.

We decided to try for another one. And I just expected to feel the same instant love I felt for my son. But instead I feel almost ambivalent towards my daughter. I resent her because it feels like all she's doing right now is taking me away from spending time with my son. I no longer have all the time in the world for him and I feel horrendously guilty about that, it feels like I have to constantly apologise for it. I take any opportunity to spend more time with him than with her and get irritated and upset of she then needs feeding at that precise moment. And as a result I feel like I'm pushing her away to prove to my son that he's still the most important thing to me and that he's not being replaced. I'd rather leave her in her cot and spend time with my son than let him play alone while I hold the baby. At the minute I'm pretty much only holding her when I'm feeding or changing her. I don't talk to her. I don't coo over her. I resent her needing me. When I'm holding her, feeding her etc it feels like a betrayal to my son. Part of me doesn't even want to love her because I don't want to feel like I'm being disloyal to my son. But at the same time I look at her and feel sad knowing that if this lasts and if I don't ever develop normal "love" feelings for her then we'll be like strangers and she'll most likely realise she's treated differently to her brother, and I don't want her to feel that way. I know she deserves just as much time and attention as my son and since she's been born I'm her anchor, her familiar thing, but she doesn't feel familiar to me. She may as well be somebody elses baby that I've just got to look after. When my son used to cry as a little newborn baby (and actually even now) it practically physically hurts me, I get an uncontrollable need to make sure he's ok and to fix ehatever the problem is. When she cries I just feel irritated because it most likely means she's hungry whixh means that's another 15-20mins she'll be attached to me. When I look at her I just feel sad. Because I know she deserves better. And right now I don't have a clue how to BE better. I just keep crying because I know my time to sort this out and to properly bond with her is so very limited. I'm scared I'll always feel this way. I'm scared I'll always feel like having her was a huge mistake. I feel so alone and so ashamed of these feelings. I feel dreadfully guilty because I know she's just a tiny baby and doesn't deserve to have any of these negative feelings aimed at her. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

 

[Rainbow82]

Well done for writing it all out, that takes a lot of courage.
First thing is its normal not to get that complete rush of love love the moment a baby is born, lots of people do get it but lots of people don't. When my done was born my overwhelming feeling after a traumatic birth was to give him to my OH, I felt like if I couldn't have the birth of wanted I didn't want him at all. I knew I loved him but it wasn't that deep rush of love that everyone says changes your life, for me that never came but I remember looking at him a few weeks later and knowing it was there and he was the most amazing thing in the world. So please don't worry that love will come. However it does sound from your post as though you could be suffering from postnatal depression and could do with some help with it so contact your HV or your midwife if you haven't been signed off from the birth yet and let them help you. You can get through it and you will fall in love with your new baby you just need a little bit of help like many others.

 

[noon_child]

Well done for writing it all out, that takes a lot of courage.
First thing is its normal not to get that complete rush of love love the moment a baby is born, lots of people do get it but lots of people don't. When my done was born my overwhelming feeling after a traumatic birth was to give him to my OH, I felt like if I couldn't have the birth of wanted I didn't want him at all. I knew I loved him but it wasn't that deep rush of love that everyone says changes your life, for me that never came but I remember looking at him a few weeks later and knowing it was there and he was the most amazing thing in the world. So please don't worry that love will come. However it does sound from your post as though you could be suffering from postnatal depression and could do with some help with it so contact your HV or your midwife if you haven't been signed off from the birth yet and let them help you. You can get through it and you will fall in love with your new baby you just need a little bit of help like many others.

I agree with everything said here. I too didn't feel a rush of love but I'd read enough about it to know that not everyone does. It was a while before I realised i loved my girl, I had to get to know her first and that takes time. However some of the things you describe here do sound more like PPD than just taking time to fall in love, and the sooner you get help for that the sooner you'll be ready to bond.

 

[Boozlebub]

You are a great mummy to both your son and your daughter. The very fact you have the courage to speak out about how you are feeling shows me that. It is very normal not to feel instantly bonded etc, but i agree with the above poster that it sounds like you may be suffering from some post natal depression, and please don't be afraid to seek help.

Huge hugs to you, this is a difficult adjustment, going from 1-2, learning how to share your time etc. Do you feel able to speak with your partner about how you feel?

Keep going mamma, you are doing a great job.

 

[Marumi]

That truly seems like a horrible problem to have

My first guess is that your feelings are intensified by a hormonal imbalance. So some sort of postpartum depression. It can go many ways. I had some sort of OCD with my first where I was paranoid about things happening to him. I could not cross a bridge without a movie playing in my head of him falling off the bridge. I worried about strangers grabbing him even.

That said, it was all hormonal. Once I balanced out my hormones with supplements it was history.
Certain foods can also affect mental health. Research wheat, grains or sugar and mental health for example.
I balanced out my hormones taking supplements such as DIM, milk thistle, burdock root, calcium D Glucarate and Vitex for some time. They also resolve all sorts of skin, hair and digestive problems due to hormones.
I would urge you to give this a try.

Other than that, I would say you need to push yourself not to be like that. You understand it is logically wrong, and that your son is not going to be neglected just because you are giving love to another child. So act on logic and try to disregard your feelings as something hormone related that will pass. I know it is hard, but it is the only right thing to do and would only be fair to the baby you created. You are responsible for your daughter, you are the grown up. It is on you to take on the suffering and do the right thing...Surely you need professional help too. Like a therapist so in the future you don't have to feel like this, but there are times in life when we have to push ourselves to get through something very difficult. I speak from experience.
See it like this...if one of you has to suffer who should it be?
Not the baby.
Think of your son being treated like her...would probably break your heart. So try to treat her like you treated him even if you don't feel it and have to act it out. I hope you can manage to do that until your problem improves...psychologists use this way of reflection and logic as well. Basically helping to put things into perspective for you.

 

[lewood88]

Hey Hun thanks for posting this as many woman don't have the courage to do it, you are not alone and I agree with pp it sounds like post natal depression and I really think you need to see your gp asap

Don't feel bad for spending more time with your son atm your daughter is still very young and doesn't need too much of your attention right now all she needs is to be fed and changed, I have 2 girls and a boy and when I had ds all I did was feed and change him and put him back in his crib in my living room till he was starting to responded more to things and obviously as he got older he got more involved with me and his older siblings.

I'm glad to hear u are spending more time with your son as some moms not many tend to but not intentionally push older siblings out because they are so worried about the new addition that they tend to forget about there first ( I've seen it happen )

I wish you luck Hun and you are a great mommy to both of your babies xxxx

 

[Left wonderin]

First time posting so I hope this is in the right place. If not then let me know and I'll move it.

I'm one week post partum with my second child, a girl. My eldest (a boy) is just turned 3. When I had my son I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. I had the usual baby blues and had trouble feeding the first few weeks and the guilt I felt at not being able to feed him (breastfeed) was immense. I felt like a complete failure. Like he deserved a better mummy. I'd sit and cry and apologise to him for being such a crap mummy and tell him he deserved better. But the feeding resolved itself and we moved on and I loved being a mummy.

We decided to try for another one. And I just expected to feel the same instant love I felt for my son. But instead I feel almost ambivalent towards my daughter. I resent her because it feels like all she's doing right now is taking me away from spending time with my son. I no longer have all the time in the world for him and I feel horrendously guilty about that, it feels like I have to constantly apologise for it. I take any opportunity to spend more time with him than with her and get irritated and upset of she then needs feeding at that precise moment. And as a result I feel like I'm pushing her away to prove to my son that he's still the most important thing to me and that he's not being replaced. I'd rather leave her in her cot and spend time with my son than let him play alone while I hold the baby. At the minute I'm pretty much only holding her when I'm feeding or changing her. I don't talk to her. I don't coo over her. I resent her needing me. When I'm holding her, feeding her etc it feels like a betrayal to my son. Part of me doesn't even want to love her because I don't want to feel like I'm being disloyal to my son. But at the same time I look at her and feel sad knowing that if this lasts and if I don't ever develop normal "love" feelings for her then we'll be like strangers and she'll most likely realise she's treated differently to her brother, and I don't want her to feel that way. I know she deserves just as much time and attention as my son and since she's been born I'm her anchor, her familiar thing, but she doesn't feel familiar to me. She may as well be somebody elses baby that I've just got to look after. When my son used to cry as a little newborn baby (and actually even now) it practically physically hurts me, I get an uncontrollable need to make sure he's ok and to fix ehatever the problem is. When she cries I just feel irritated because it most likely means she's hungry whixh means that's another 15-20mins she'll be attached to me. When I look at her I just feel sad. Because I know she deserves better. And right now I don't have a clue how to BE better. I just keep crying because I know my time to sort this out and to properly bond with her is so very limited. I'm scared I'll always feel this way. I'm scared I'll always feel like having her was a huge mistake. I feel so alone and so ashamed of these feelings. I feel dreadfully guilty because I know she's just a tiny baby and doesn't deserve to have any of these negative feelings aimed at her. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

Hi , your words have captured how I felt 4-5 weeks ago . I have a little boy aged 2 and a now 11 week old baby girl . Like you I instantly feel head over heels for my son ... I actually think I bonded better with my bump even first time round as next time I was soo busy it was hard to. I kept thinking I felt a little removed from my bump and baby but thought ah well its because I'm busy and will change when she arrives . Well she arrived perfect quick delivery . She was beautiful , amazing and sooo good but the immediate " bang I love her , the type where your heart aches you love her so much " didn't happen . Like you I felt yes she was adorable but I didn't instnstly connect with her , I cared for her and we EBF , I cuddled and nurtured her but I just didn't " feel " it . My DS was sooo put out when she arrived , he was distraught . He acted out no end and I too was " over concious " of spending extra time with him . Not to ignore him. In doing this I actually didn't spend any time bonding with my little girl . I would feed her , change her and put her back down . When I has Ds I was waiting in anticipation for him to wake , this time like you when she woke I was irritated as I knew it was the trigger for a melt down from DS . I was aware of my feelings of " this is different I don't think I love her , I kept waiting for that heart wrenching feeling I had when I looked at DS . everyone was saying OMG she is a doll you must adore her , are you thrilled , I nodded and gushed as they expected but I didn't " feel " it . I began to wonder if I had PPD

I spoke to a good friend of mine about how I was feeling as I didn't want to feel like that I wanted to love my baby !!! She pointed out a few things to me that changed it all
1. I needed to stop comparing the experiences of baby 1 and baby 2 . They were different and cold never be the same as the dynamic is different , she also pointed out different isnt worse its just different
2. I was actually doing DS no favours by not allowing him keep his routine , spending all that additional one to one time with him ( more than even before dd to over compensate ) was making him feel anxious ! Keep it the same as before
3. DS and I had a bond , he has the solid emotional foundations anchored in his attachment which means he can adjust to new situations, not be damaged because he has to wait 30-60 mins for your full attention ... Where as not taking the time to create that relationship with DD will mean she does not get the building blocks and her mental health will be effected long term .
4. I needed to STOP FEELING GUILTY AND SORRY FOR MY SON . He was just fine with a great life and getting on with things . He was not a reflection of my feelings .. That was all me !
5. By not feeling guilty I was giving myself permission to spend time with my dd and ENJOY her !
6. Going from 1-2 is an adjustment and to give myself a break !! It will take time for us all to adjust to the " new normal "

So I started to " let myself off the hook " for having another baby ! I stopped trying to hurry feeds and put her back down . I Initally made myself spend time after feeds with her .. Taking time to get to know her . Night time feeds where my favorite Initally . I actually started to say no to Ds and tell him he had to wait .... Imagine .......his world did not fall apart. I stopped feeling guilty and acknowledge all she had said . It is true !!

And ultimately I had given Ds a gift for life a sibling , he wouldn't be alone . That's what I wanted for him . Accepting that trying to make life go back to how it was just not going to happen . We as a family of four now would have a " new normal but that takes time to adjust to .

Well I'm am delighted to say 11 weeks / 12 weeks this week I LOVE my daughter with all my heart . It was a different journey to get here but I realise no two relationships are the same . I stopped expecting things to be like they were and just let them be . Our love grew ... It wasn't instant like with Ds but that ok . Different isnt bad .

The biggest thing I did was stop feeling guilty and observe that my son had an amazing life nothing to feel guilty for there lol.....

It will all work out , give yourself time and permission to enjoy your little pink .
If you want to chat please pm me . Its not a nice place to be n your head but it can and does change

 

[Snufflepop]

Oh goodness, I want to give you a hug!! I felt like this a few months ago. I have a 2 year old girl and a 4 month old boy. My daughter was my world from the minute she was born and the guilt I felt for her when my son arrived was horrendous. She took his arrival very badly and the majority of the time I felt like I had ruined her life by having a second child. If someone had given me a magic wand to turn back the clock and not fall pregnant I would have done it in an instant. I resented the new baby for causing her pain and for taking me away from her. I felt like I was just going through the motions with my son. He was fed and cuddled and changed but i certainly didn't feel like I loved him. He felt like someone else's baby. I also felt horrible for feeling this way toward him, like it wasn't his fault and he deserved better, especially as he was such a good and happy baby.

Fast forward four months, dd loves her brother now and I have fallen head over heels for him too. His face lights up when he sees me and I adore him. I can't imagine our family without him.

I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone or a bad mum, it will work out in the end but it's horrible to feel that way at first. Big hugs!

 

[Taurus8484]

First time posting so I hope this is in the right place. If not then let me know and I'll move it.

I'm one week post partum with my second child, a girl. My eldest (a boy) is just turned 3. When I had my son I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. I had the usual baby blues and had trouble feeding the first few weeks and the guilt I felt at not being able to feed him (breastfeed) was immense. I felt like a complete failure. Like he deserved a better mummy. I'd sit and cry and apologise to him for being such a crap mummy and tell him he deserved better. But the feeding resolved itself and we moved on and I loved being a mummy.

We decided to try for another one. And I just expected to feel the same instant love I felt for my son. But instead I feel almost ambivalent towards my daughter. I resent her because it feels like all she's doing right now is taking me away from spending time with my son. I no longer have all the time in the world for him and I feel horrendously guilty about that, it feels like I have to constantly apologise for it. I take any opportunity to spend more time with him than with her and get irritated and upset of she then needs feeding at that precise moment. And as a result I feel like I'm pushing her away to prove to my son that he's still the most important thing to me and that he's not being replaced. I'd rather leave her in her cot and spend time with my son than let him play alone while I hold the baby. At the minute I'm pretty much only holding her when I'm feeding or changing her. I don't talk to her. I don't coo over her. I resent her needing me. When I'm holding her, feeding her etc it feels like a betrayal to my son. Part of me doesn't even want to love her because I don't want to feel like I'm being disloyal to my son. But at the same time I look at her and feel sad knowing that if this lasts and if I don't ever develop normal "love" feelings for her then we'll be like strangers and she'll most likely realise she's treated differently to her brother, and I don't want her to feel that way. I know she deserves just as much time and attention as my son and since she's been born I'm her anchor, her familiar thing, but she doesn't feel familiar to me. She may as well be somebody elses baby that I've just got to look after. When my son used to cry as a little newborn baby (and actually even now) it practically physically hurts me, I get an uncontrollable need to make sure he's ok and to fix ehatever the problem is. When she cries I just feel irritated because it most likely means she's hungry whixh means that's another 15-20mins she'll be attached to me. When I look at her I just feel sad. Because I know she deserves better. And right now I don't have a clue how to BE better. I just keep crying because I know my time to sort this out and to properly bond with her is so very limited. I'm scared I'll always feel this way. I'm scared I'll always feel like having her was a huge mistake. I feel so alone and so ashamed of these feelings. I feel dreadfully guilty because I know she's just a tiny baby and doesn't deserve to have any of these negative feelings aimed at her. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

Hi , your words have captured how I felt 4-5 weeks ago . I have a little boy aged 2 and a now 11 week old baby girl . Like you I instantly feel head over heels for my son ... I actually think I bonded better with my bump even first time round as next time I was soo busy it was hard to. I kept thinking I felt a little removed from my bump and baby but thought ah well its because I'm busy and will change when she arrives . Well she arrived perfect quick delivery . She was beautiful , amazing and sooo good but the immediate " bang I love her , the type where your heart aches you love her so much " didn't happen . Like you I felt yes she was adorable but I didn't instnstly connect with her , I cared for her and we EBF , I cuddled and nurtured her but I just didn't " feel " it . My DS was sooo put out when she arrived , he was distraught . He acted out no end and I too was " over concious " of spending extra time with him . Not to ignore him. In doing this I actually didn't spend any time bonding with my little girl . I would feed her , change her and put her back down . When I has Ds I was waiting in anticipation for him to wake , this time like you when she woke I was irritated as I knew it was the trigger for a melt down from DS . I was aware of my feelings of " this is different I don't think I love her , I kept waiting for that heart wrenching feeling I had when I looked at DS . everyone was saying OMG she is a doll you must adore her , are you thrilled , I nodded and gushed as they expected but I didn't " feel " it . I began to wonder if I had PPD

I spoke to a good friend of mine about how I was feeling as I didn't want to feel like that I wanted to love my baby !!! She pointed out a few things to me that changed it all
1. I needed to stop comparing the experiences of baby 1 and baby 2 . They were different and cold never be the same as the dynamic is different , she also pointed out different isnt worse its just different
2. I was actually doing DS no favours by not allowing him keep his routine , spending all that additional one to one time with him ( more than even before dd to over compensate ) was making him feel anxious ! Keep it the same as before
3. DS and I had a bond , he has the solid emotional foundations anchored in his attachment which means he can adjust to new situations, not be damaged because he has to wait 30-60 mins for your full attention ... Where as not taking the time to create that relationship with DD will mean she does not get the building blocks and her mental health will be effected long term .
4. I needed to STOP FEELING GUILTY AND SORRY FOR MY SON . He was just fine with a great life and getting on with things . He was not a reflection of my feelings .. That was all me !
5. By not feeling guilty I was giving myself permission to spend time with my dd and ENJOY her !
6. Going from 1-2 is an adjustment and to give myself a break !! It will take time for us all to adjust to the " new normal "

So I started to " let myself off the hook " for having another baby ! I stopped trying to hurry feeds and put her back down . I Initally made myself spend time after feeds with her .. Taking time to get to know her . Night time feeds where my favorite Initally . I actually started to say no to Ds and tell him he had to wait .... Imagine .......his world did not fall apart. I stopped feeling guilty and acknowledge all she had said . It is true !!

And ultimately I had given Ds a gift for life a sibling , he wouldn't be alone . That's what I wanted for him . Accepting that trying to make life go back to how it was just not going to happen . We as a family of four now would have a " new normal but that takes time to adjust to .

Well I'm am delighted to say 11 weeks / 12 weeks this week I LOVE my daughter with all my heart . It was a different journey to get here but I realise no two relationships are the same . I stopped expecting things to be like they were and just let them be . Our love grew ... It wasn't instant like with Ds but that ok . Different isnt bad .

The biggest thing I did was stop feeling guilty and observe that my son had an amazing life nothing to feel guilty for there lol.....

It will all work out , give yourself time and permission to enjoy your little pink .
If you want to chat please pm me . Its not a nice place to be n your head but it can and does change

Wonderful advice xx to OP I think we all have a little of it when you go from 1 to 2 or more. For me it was the opposite. DS2 got all my attention. When hubby pointed it out I realised what I needed to change and did. Its a huge adjustment change.

 

[highhopes19]

Hi Hun, massive hugs and it takes such courage to actually speak out and realise that something isnt quite right.
Your not alone it's completely normal not feeling that rush of love , I was different this time round but with my eldest I felt exactly the same as you when. She was born I felt nothing ..... I hated myself for not getting that feeling that everyone told me I would get.. I felt completely detached from her it felt more like I was looking after someone else's baby rather than my own.

It took over a year to get that love feeling and now she's nearly 5i can honestly say there is light at the end of the tunnel and we have such a special bond. It took medication and counselling but I got there in the end xx