I feel confused for some dumb reason

[mommy2lilmen]

I dont know where to begin with this but I know all you wil say OH GOD NO YOUR NOT WRONG but I feel I was wrong in my decision about something my OH found under my oldest sons pillow.

A pocket knife. Here in Canada it is illegal to obtain a weapon even as a child. The knife was illegal length to. it is 2.2 inches that is legal in the law here but this one was almost 4 inches. Here in MY home it is illegal any weapon irregardless of the law!!!

I may be a mean mom here for saying this but I check my childrens rooms, pockets, backpacks and more DAILY. I know mean of me, and no trust, but I feel respect is earned, if they break it then they are disrespecting me.

Well at the time that OH found it I had just sent him down there to go finish to screw our sons bed together for firmness. He cleans off the bed and finds this pocket knife. Brings it upstairs and plops it in my lap. Says what do you want to do about this. I just about threw it. I had 4 of my 6 kids right beside me I did not want them seeing that. I was shocked and went totally numb. OH couldnt beleive the reaction I had. He thought I would go mad on my son, which I wanted to but shock took over.

I waited till all my other kids were in bed and pulled my oldest son up to talk. OMG what a mistake apparently.

I do not know why he had it. He says him and his friend found it a week ago on a midnight stroll. MIDNIGHT. My son was at a sleep overs and they went to the supermarket after midnight. Let me tell ya I did let the friends parent have an ear full. All I got was, well you know my son, he doesnt listen to me and your son and who ever will follow. My jaw dropped. I was like omg. I then questioned my son WHY he was out at that time. The laws kerfew is much earlier than that and he disobeyed it. He says whats wrong with it. I said everything, you could of gotten brought home by the police. He said that he didnt. Sure he didnt. BUT next time he will. He told me they all found a pocket knife on their stroll to the store and brought it back to his friends place, where his friends mom seen and told him to rid of it. HE GIVES IT TO MY SON, MY SON BRINGS IT HOME, HAPPILY He asked me why I am so against it as my brother left behind a bunch of hunting knives for him in his will when he passed away. Well he doesnt have them yet cus he is not 19 so why would I condone a pcoket knife?? I told him he was not getting it back and omg what a mistake I think. My OH pulled up articles on time served he could face if he was caught with it. Got him to read to him in the dictionary what a MISDEMEANOR was and what a FELONY was. You think he would of gotten the hint befor he found out we actually had the knife in our posession. He has been stomping around, throwing his toddler brothers balls around, slamming the baby gate, which he actually broke it off the hinge but i fixed it. Snarled to me when I said it was bedtime and said I was out of line in doing this.

Totally intimidating me and making me feel low.

I asked him was I out of line if your friends mom also agreed to rid of it out of her home? He said its not fair that I treat him like a baby. UMMMMM Hes nearly 14 years old, surely NOT an adult in my eyes. He cant even brush his teeth, so I should feel he is responsible for this knife? I do not think so. I have 5 other children under 10, who have lots of friends, not to mention a toddler who has access to things around the house. Not to mention my fear in violence. He thinks Im wrong in my thinking?

Was I wrong?

I could of went mad on him and slapped himfor his behaviour and done worse, just to teach him that I mean it. But I did not.

I do not condone violence, knives nothing along those lines. I enforce, please, thank you chores and more. My oldest son is very respectful and more. I would never of thought I woudl find such a thing.

Now I do have to wonder, is he being bullied at school to carry this thing to be cool, to be part of a crowd? Is he wanting this device to show he has run over his mom and dad and can hide this sort of thing and lie?

My son did ask what he should of done with the knife when they found it and I said throw it out, not touch it and the look on his face was total strange.

I raise my kids better than this. I just dont know why he done this. Was I wrong to take it away, was I wrong to ban it from him, was I wrong in showing him articles on the law, was I wrong to have went through his room, was I wrong in anything here?

I know part of a child giving the parent respect is if I allow some privacy and benefit of the doubt but he blew it now.

My older 4 have a different dad than my last 2 and I tried to discuss this with him and alll I get is well allow him to have it when you guys are with him and allow him out in the forest with it but at night it is returned to you. My jaw dropped. I said no way. He then questioned my parenting. My kids are raised proper. No violent shows, games nothing. THey keep their drawers straight and more. What could I be doing wrong, could he think I am influencing them? meanwhile he leaves the kids unattended to go romp at the bar for hours on end. Im in question?

Im feeling very confused in all of this. I also feel guilty right now as I want to be the parent he wants to be with all the time and not hate me cus I am not making him happy. Or being cool enough that he feels proud to come home to and to bring his friends around

What would you do?

Sorry this is so long but I had to get it out

 

[mommy2lilmen]

Just after I left this thread and posted it, my son text messagd me on my cell phone. He says. I have no trust for you and sd(step dad) any more. You go into my private life and ruined it. I dont get it, all over a figen knife.......these were his words Ummm Is it right he dont trust me for finding this knife. HE KNEW his bed was going to be fixed. We told him to go and clean it off so his dad could go and fix it but he chose to just sit and play video games. So my OH got upset and said do I go and do it or not. I said go and do it, clean off his bed and leave the mess in a pile on the floor. Well he found the knife. Now isnt it our trust my son lost? Im in shock again, I am so sad I do not know what to say. I want to tell him he could go live with his dad again if he choses to speak to me this way but I dont want that as a punishment. I just dont know how to handle this well.

 

[lesleyann]

I think since its breaking the law you was in the right to take it off him.. However at 14 years old i do think he should have more privacy than to have bags/bedroom checked as you said you do and i understand his text to you, i would so not trust my mum if she had done that to me. We all have private things letters/pictures/dirty mags/ sex toys ( not at 14 but im on about everyone ) that we would not want our parents to see or anyone else to see.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I think since its breaking the law you was in the right to take it off him.. However at 14 years old i do think he should have more privacy than to have bags/bedroom checked as you said you do and i understand his text to you, i would so not trust my mum if she had done that to me. We all have private things letters/pictures/dirty mags/ sex toys ( not at 14 but im on about everyone ) that we would not want our parents to see or anyone else to see.

Is having possession of a knife *private life*? He does not know I went through his room. I do that when I feel he is not tell me the truth, well all my kids. I understand what you mean tho. He knows I did go in and clean it (well my husband did) AFTER we told him numerous times to go and do it. He said you guys can go and do it. Now, being thats said, is putting a knife in plain sight a way to block it away and put it into his private life? Especially when he shares a room with a 10 year old brother? I will not allow him to bring such thing into my home. Now if I had not gone in and cleaned it, would I have found it, would my other sons have found it, what would he of done with it, etc. This is why I am confused, guilty and more. I just dont know what to do.

 

[lesleyann]

I think since its breaking the law you was in the right to take it off him.. However at 14 years old i do think he should have more privacy than to have bags/bedroom checked as you said you do and i understand his text to you, i would so not trust my mum if she had done that to me. We all have private things letters/pictures/dirty mags/ sex toys ( not at 14 but im on about everyone ) that we would not want our parents to see or anyone else to see.

Is having possession of a knife *private life*? He does not know I went through his room. I do that when I feel he is not tell me the truth, well all my kids. I understand what you mean tho. He knows I did go in and clean it (well my husband did) AFTER we told him numerous times to go and do it. He said you guys can go and do it. Now, being thats said, is putting a knife in plain sight a way to block it away and put it into his private life? Especially when he shares a room with a 10 year old brother? I will not allow him to bring such thing into my home. Now if I had not gone in and cleaned it, would I have found it, would my other sons have found it, what would he of done with it, etc. This is why I am confused, guilty and more. I just dont know what to do.

The knife should of never been there silly boy tbh.. I thought he new you spot checked his room type of thing? i was looking at the bigger picture not just the knife..

You feelings and actions about the knife where 100% correct

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I also would not allow sex toys in my sons room. I am sorry but he can possess that when he moves out. That is not the way I want to raise my children. I have higher standards than that. I do know dirty magazines is common for boys, even some girls I have seen. I just feel I have rights to make sure he is safe and doing what he should. But I also feel bad but then I feel what if I didnt, then what would of happened? Especially when he has 5 younger siblings.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

Im just shocked.
My son said he had no trust for us for having went and cleaned off his bed even tho he said we could and he said he had no trust for us after we took it away and said he wouldnt get it back. I dont get it. Why have no trust for us when he broke our trust by bringing it into the home after he mentioned to me his friend and him found it and I said no. ???

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I also dont allow swearing in my home, that he respects. I totally trust him but right now I just dont know if its broken totally because I could leave a wad of cash around and it not go missing. But one simple rule about weapons he broke and it makes me wonder what else he has tried to get away with or what else he will try. I do not want a teenager no more LOL he will be 14 on March 18, he can go back and be a baby. I think I liked that better.

 

[lesleyann]

The sex toys and mags i put next to it that i was just talking about everyone not a certain age just showing that we all 10 year olds 15 year olds 25 year olds 40 year olds ect all have things at different levels we would not want others to see....

He should not of had the knife and whats worse after reading your other posts is that he shares that room with younger siblings.. He should not be mad at you for finding it since he new you was going there..

The whole trust thing which i agreed with in the first place was purly related to the bag/room checks that did not involve the knife issue however if he does not know about them he is just upset/mad that he got caught with something he knows he should not of had.

 

[lesleyann]

I also dont allow swearing in my home, that he respects. I totally trust him but right now I just dont know if its broken totally because I could leave a wad of cash around and it not go missing. But one simple rule about weapons he broke and it makes me wonder what else he has tried to get away with or what else he will try. I do not want a teenager no more LOL he will be 14 on March 18, he can go back and be a baby. I think I liked that better.

ahh not all teenagers are bad lol however he does sound like he might be one to try and push the boundries. I take it there is no way possible he could have his own room? that way he might feel more trusted given more privacy.. could also be acting out as his hormones will be EVERYWHERE!! sadly for you

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I also dont allow swearing in my home, that he respects. I totally trust him but right now I just dont know if its broken totally because I could leave a wad of cash around and it not go missing. But one simple rule about weapons he broke and it makes me wonder what else he has tried to get away with or what else he will try. I do not want a teenager no more LOL he will be 14 on March 18, he can go back and be a baby. I think I liked that better.

ahh not all teenagers are bad lol however he does sound like he might be one to try and push the boundries. I take it there is no way possible he could have his own room? that way he might feel more trusted given more privacy.. could also be acting out as his hormones will be EVERYWHERE!! sadly for you

When we built another room here it was only for him. His own room. But he didnt want that. He said he didnt feel secure being alone. So he asked for his 10 yearold brother to be withhim. I agree as it opened up alot of space in my other bedroom to only have 2 in each room. Yes hormones, OMG hes been this way (emotional) since 11 years old. I will be having this very shortly with the 2nd son. I trusted him, he still brought it into the home. He has a way to earn it back the trust that is not the knife. I did not raise my voice, I did not yell at him, I was not the least bit angry in my voice, so perhaps thats why today he is talking to me like nothing happened. Could he of thought about it all night and realized I was right, or? I speak to his dad and he says its ok to have a knife, I should give it back and I should allow him to be his own person. Well hes soon to be 14 he can be his own person, but he has boundaries and rules here. No food in room, no drinks in room, shoes off at the door, homework done first, chores done second, then you can play video games go out with friends, kerfew is 930pm on weekdays and 1030 on weekends, allowance money is spent on what you want, other monies earned should be saved or know that if spent is not replaceable till earned back, no swearing,no backtalking, no hitting, running, etc...those are simple rules I think a child/teen should have. Not what his dad says that he should be his own person, fine, but he needs guideance, structure etc. I dont go in his room and straighten his drawers for him, I dont fold his laundry no more, I dont pick him up from school, I dont pack his lunch (he does it) I dont nag himto have showers, brush his teeth etc, he is to do that on his own. I think that is fair.

 

[lesleyann]

I also dont allow swearing in my home, that he respects. I totally trust him but right now I just dont know if its broken totally because I could leave a wad of cash around and it not go missing. But one simple rule about weapons he broke and it makes me wonder what else he has tried to get away with or what else he will try. I do not want a teenager no more LOL he will be 14 on March 18, he can go back and be a baby. I think I liked that better.

ahh not all teenagers are bad lol however he does sound like he might be one to try and push the boundries. I take it there is no way possible he could have his own room? that way he might feel more trusted given more privacy.. could also be acting out as his hormones will be EVERYWHERE!! sadly for you

When we built another room here it was only for him. His own room. But he didnt want that. He said he didnt feel secure being alone. So he asked for his 10 yearold brother to be withhim. I agree as it opened up alot of space in my other bedroom to only have 2 in each room. Yes hormones, OMG hes been this way (emotional) since 11 years old. I will be having this very shortly with the 2nd son. I trusted him, he still brought it into the home. He has a way to earn it back the trust that is not the knife. I did not raise my voice, I did not yell at him, I was not the least bit angry in my voice, so perhaps thats why today he is talking to me like nothing happened. Could he of thought about it all night and realized I was right, or? I speak to his dad and he says its ok to have a knife, I should give it back and I should allow him to be his own person. Well hes soon to be 14 he can be his own person, but he has boundaries and rules here. No food in room, no drinks in room, shoes off at the door, homework done first, chores done second, then you can play video games go out with friends, kerfew is 930pm on weekdays and 1030 on weekends, allowance money is spent on what you want, other monies earned should be saved or know that if spent is not replaceable till earned back, no swearing,no backtalking, no hitting, running, etc...those are simple rules I think a child/teen should have. Not what his dad says that he should be his own person, fine, but he needs guideance, structure etc. I dont go in his room and straighten his drawers for him, I dont fold his laundry no more, I dont pick him up from school, I dont pack his lunch (he does it) I dont nag himto have showers, brush his teeth etc, he is to do that on his own. I think that is fair.

sounds like you are going to make some women very happy with their hubbys knowing how to clean up my oh is still learning

 

[mommy2lilmen]

The sex toys and mags i put next to it that i was just talking about everyone not a certain age just showing that we all 10 year olds 15 year olds 25 year olds 40 year olds ect all have things at different levels we would not want others to see....

He should not of had the knife and whats worse after reading your other posts is that he shares that room with younger siblings.. He should not be mad at you for finding it since he new you was going there..

The whole trust thing which i agreed with in the first place was purly related to the bag/room checks that did not involve the knife issue however if he does not know about them he is just upset/mad that he got caught with something he knows he should not of had.

I think my need to check things is becuase he was caught at 9 years old with someone else belongings in his room, I also think my need to check his things (bags) is because he has sold some of my younger boys things to friends so he could go and buy other things. I dont think that that was right. I dont do it daily daily but I do it when he is acting peculiuar. If that makes sense. He acts like a defensive monster when hes hiding something LOL So I know somethings up.
I know hes acting up right now becasue he got caught, which is understandable.
He has chance to earn my trust back very quickly. Hes my first born and he has always stood high with me. I want to raise him right and I at times feel I am not.
Sorry to keep on and on about it. I think I needed someone to talk to, I thank you for being here right now because I would go mad LOL

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I also dont allow swearing in my home, that he respects. I totally trust him but right now I just dont know if its broken totally because I could leave a wad of cash around and it not go missing. But one simple rule about weapons he broke and it makes me wonder what else he has tried to get away with or what else he will try. I do not want a teenager no more LOL he will be 14 on March 18, he can go back and be a baby. I think I liked that better.

ahh not all teenagers are bad lol however he does sound like he might be one to try and push the boundries. I take it there is no way possible he could have his own room? that way he might feel more trusted given more privacy.. could also be acting out as his hormones will be EVERYWHERE!! sadly for you

When we built another room here it was only for him. His own room. But he didnt want that. He said he didnt feel secure being alone. So he asked for his 10 yearold brother to be withhim. I agree as it opened up alot of space in my other bedroom to only have 2 in each room. Yes hormones, OMG hes been this way (emotional) since 11 years old. I will be having this very shortly with the 2nd son. I trusted him, he still brought it into the home. He has a way to earn it back the trust that is not the knife. I did not raise my voice, I did not yell at him, I was not the least bit angry in my voice, so perhaps thats why today he is talking to me like nothing happened. Could he of thought about it all night and realized I was right, or? I speak to his dad and he says its ok to have a knife, I should give it back and I should allow him to be his own person. Well hes soon to be 14 he can be his own person, but he has boundaries and rules here. No food in room, no drinks in room, shoes off at the door, homework done first, chores done second, then you can play video games go out with friends, kerfew is 930pm on weekdays and 1030 on weekends, allowance money is spent on what you want, other monies earned should be saved or know that if spent is not replaceable till earned back, no swearing,no backtalking, no hitting, running, etc...those are simple rules I think a child/teen should have. Not what his dad says that he should be his own person, fine, but he needs guideance, structure etc. I dont go in his room and straighten his drawers for him, I dont fold his laundry no more, I dont pick him up from school, I dont pack his lunch (he does it) I dont nag himto have showers, brush his teeth etc, he is to do that on his own. I think that is fair.

sounds like you are going to make some women very happy with their hubbys knowing how to clean up my oh is still learning

LOL I make sure they clean up because if they dont, I get very naggy and they dont like that. I say you are 6 kids, I am one, I amhome all day with the babies still cleaning up, pitch in so things get done faster and you get to do your own things faster or suffer in the end. I know mean LOL but they also earn things that way to along side of their allowancces. Myhubby has been cleaning up from day one. If not I nag at him, not often but I do. And he also feels bad that I am home all day while he sleeping. He works graveyard so I do that night wakings, still, and I am up all day with the kids to. So I guess he feels to need to help.

 

[lesleyann]

The sex toys and mags i put next to it that i was just talking about everyone not a certain age just showing that we all 10 year olds 15 year olds 25 year olds 40 year olds ect all have things at different levels we would not want others to see....

He should not of had the knife and whats worse after reading your other posts is that he shares that room with younger siblings.. He should not be mad at you for finding it since he new you was going there..

The whole trust thing which i agreed with in the first place was purly related to the bag/room checks that did not involve the knife issue however if he does not know about them he is just upset/mad that he got caught with something he knows he should not of had.

I think my need to check things is becuase he was caught at 9 years old with someone else belongings in his room, I also think my need to check his things (bags) is because he has sold some of my younger boys things to friends so he could go and buy other things. I dont think that that was right. I dont do it daily daily but I do it when he is acting peculiuar. If that makes sense. He acts like a defensive monster when hes hiding something LOL So I know somethings up.
I know hes acting up right now becasue he got caught, which is understandable.
He has chance to earn my trust back very quickly. Hes my first born and he has always stood high with me. I want to raise him right and I at times feel I am not.
Sorry to keep on and on about it. I think I needed someone to talk to, I thank you for being here right now because I would go mad LOL

its ok its a intresting convo really, we all need people to talk to/rant at lol

Ahh so he knows full well why you do it because he was naughty before.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

he was caught in the past, but i gave him chances to earn trust back. He earned it back and messes it up down the line. Typical kid I suppose. learning what they can and cant do. This teenager stuff I dont know. My ex would like to have his chance to show me he can change and raise the 4 boys( my 4 older ones are another mans kids) the way I do it when they are teenagers. Wrong he tried that for 4 months and failed. He couldnt do it. He moved my son back so fast it was heartbreaking and my son thought his dad didnt love him. He didnt know how to handle the moodswings, the whole rule setting, school, cleaning, etc. My son was happy to come back cus of the things that went on there. But thats ok. We all learn the grass isnt always greener on the other side

 

[mommy2lilmen]

My oldest son thrives on making an impression on friends and peers. I am not certain why. I asked him if his need for the knife was to impress all I got was a shrug and a big sigh. He allowed another boy in grade 5 (age 10) to punch him in the face to show his friends he wasnt a woose. I just dont get it why kids do that. I dont remember being that way, altho I think I did do things like this (impressing friends) but I dont remember.

I just am confused and dont want to give in and give the knife back or what ever. I just dont understand how us finding the knife broke his trust in us. It doesnt make sense. I can only pin it to him wanting us to show him he is OLDER but he really isnt and wants to have the knife to feel he is in control or older. Who knows.

I just dont understand why cus hes such a polite boy. why he needs that knife anyways.

 

[gills8752]

Maybe this is an opportunity to allow him some privacy and offer him his own room as a teenager. If is wants to treated with respect and trust etc etc blah blah then he can have his own room that he is responsible for. You don't go in there. He cleans it, changes his bed etc etc. That way he'll think you trust him enough to allow him all this. BUT if he ever steps out of line and does something bad then he gets demoted to share a room and all this privacy removed and treated like a child again.
If this knife thing is him trying to act older then allowing him this privacy should sedate that need. Maybe increase his curfew by half hour etc - all the things teenagers are allowed but if he only once does something out of line then he'll be demoted again and have to earn the right to have this privacy back.
It would need to be made clear that he hasn't earned this right through bringing the knife home but because you realise that he needs privacy which he isnt getting at the moment.

Surely if he wants respect and trust etc etc then he doesnt need to share a room with his 10 yr old brother.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

ty.we've actually just done all what you suggested since I last put this thread up. Except moving rooms. If I have toi will move my 10yr old back upstairs with his 2 otherbrothers. But room wise this fits nicely. I have 6 kids 4 bedrooms, it doesn't add the ability to each have their own room. Maybe I might have to move toa 5 bedroom home, but that is not within ourbudget where we live. Its very expensive and cost of living is rising. Just for gas is $1.35/ltr, jug of milk $5, chocolate bar $2. Crazy. We can't buy a home due to ur credit, but that's not the point. Another point I have is he begs to have a brother with him. But he also asks me to clean his room. So what is it with him I don't know. He just turned 14 so I will have a talk with him this summer about a job etc. See if he feels older that way.

Maybe this is an opportunity to allow him some privacy and offer him his own room as a teenager. If is wants to treated with respect and trust etc etc blah blah then he can have his own room that he is responsible for. You don't go in there. He cleans it, changes his bed etc etc. That way he'll think you trust him enough to allow him all this. BUT if he ever steps out of line and does something bad then he gets demoted to share a room and all this privacy removed and treated like a child again.
If this knife thing is him trying to act older then allowing him this privacy should sedate that need. Maybe increase his curfew by half hour etc - all the things teenagers are allowed but if he only once does something out of line then he'll be demoted again and have to earn the right to have this privacy back.
It would need to be made clear that he hasn't earned this right through bringing the knife home but because you realise that he needs privacy which he isnt getting at the moment.

Surely if he wants respect and trust etc etc then he doesnt need to share a room with his 10 yr old brother.

 

[Nightnurse]

I totally agree with all you are doing,in my opinion he is still a bit too young to have 100% privacy and as parents our kids are getting far too mature too quickly and into too much trouble,you sound like a fantastic mom and i believe made wise decisions with your kids,I have a 12 yr old and 16 yr old nephew who have no moms and fathers do not take care of them so they live with me and are allowed to have fun as long as they obey the rules and remain respectful,the 12 yr old is into watching porn and pleasuring himself(heard it from his cousins and friends)and girls, i had to let him know that he is way behind on school work and needs to concentrate on it and that behavior is not allowed,the 16 yr has anger against his dad who drinks and beats him,and his granmother who belittles everything he does,he by far no saint and thinks he is god's gift to women and is much more than a handful,and has carried to school,razors to school(he like to cut hair,but uit can be used as a weapon)just this morning i layed out the ground rules and the punishment that will be met if they break those rules,I also search they rooms and school bags,your son know the law,and your rules,he know what kind of mom you r he is just testing you to see if he can run wild like at sleep over,dont give in,talk to him explain how you feel to him and have him know that you will not tolerate hi being disrespectful to you and what the punishment will be and have him make a choice ,being like his friends and being punished or being happy and everything at home be good