I feel like a bad Mother.. I am loosing my mind?

[rachjim98]

This is controlling my life and I cant make it stop!! Small recap:

In November lost our Daughter @ 19wks5days along.
Had to be induced @ hospital gave birth @8:30pm to beautiful baby girl
Placenta wouldn't come out so lost alot of blood and had to have a ED&C plus 2 quarts of blood given
she was 9inches long and 8oz. Tiny but perfect.
Sent her to the funeral home across street from hospital had small service and cremation.

So here is why I feel I am a bad mother, I have 2 older kids 9yr old and 6yr old. Today my 6yr old has a field trip to the science center with his school. I was suppose to go, but I canceled because it is right next door to the hospital across the street for the funeral home.

I haven't been back there since November haven't even drove by it. I woke up sick to my stomach that I was gonna have to park in that parking lot.
I lied to his teacher and told her I was sick today. Now this is starting to take time away from my other children's joy of being with me. I would of went if it wasn't that place...
Am I crazy? I think I am really loosing it Ladies.

I did go to a support group last night due to the fact I have been struggling with myself. But I just couldn't make myself go on this trip today.

 

[orange-sox]

You aren't crazy, if you've not faced your demons of course you're going to be frightened and anxious, I'm petrified of opening all the cupboards in my bedroom because Seb's things are in there and we aren't ready yet.

I understand you'll feel bad for not going, but this is not something you can rush, no one can say "You should be over this now, get a grip"... your baby girl died right across the road from that place and you should not have to face that for the first time with your 6yr old son.

Maybe when your children are older, you can explain what's going on to them properly, and they will understand...

 

[Shelby2007]

Oh rach.. I just want to squeeze you. Im so sorry for what you have been through.. I cant imagine.

You arent a bad mother.. and you certainly arent loosing your mind.. grief is such a hard thing to go through..

Also - am proud you went back to the group. How'd it go?..

 

[rachjim98]

The group was stressful, alot of crying and alot of misery. I thought I had it rough but hearing what some of these people have had to deal with makes you think... I will keep going thanks for asking.

 

[bklove]

Grief is tough and its hard to deal when you have other responsibilities, and thats just everyone's reality so you are not a bad mother at all. Keep trying to deal with your grief and maybe try to put things in perspective of your children who love and need you...at the same time its hard to be good to anyone if your not good to yourself, so take care of yourself, work hard at that

 

[Naya69]

your not a bad mum i would do the same thing if i was in that situation. altho you cant hide away forever i know its still fresh in your mind but maybe oneday you can find the strength to drive past iam sure your chlildren would understand 100% if they knew the heartache you were going through xxx