I feel so inadequate

[spunky84]

I've been really struggling. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help comparing myself to others. I know that my circumstances or anything shouldn't mean I'm less of a person or anything, but that's how I feel.

I tried to deliver naturally, unmedicated. I was induced at 41w6d. I knew LO just wasn't going to come on her own and was not comfortable going further than 42 weeks. I was already 3-4cm dilated and 100% effaced at the time I was induced.

I was having mild contractions within 10 minutes of the drip being started. I wasn't even feeling them (no pain meds). Everyone around me was pretty surprised. As soon as they started, LO's heart rate was already dropping very low. They inserted an internal monitor, they inserted an amnio catheter, they flipped me to different positions. Nothing worked. They gave me an injection to stop the contractions. By that point, they just continued on.

3 hours after the drip was started, I was in for a csection. The fact that LO's heart rate was already dropping so low with the mildest of contractions, there was no way she would have made it to me contracting to fully dilate or to push.

I can't regret having the csection. She was born alive and healthy. That's all I could have asked for. The natural, unmedicated was for me. But obviously LO's needs were above that.

My youngest SIL just had her baby this morning. I am so happy and excited for her, but I'm also just feeling so inadequate.

My other SIL has 2 daughters (one just born in June). Both vaginal deliveries. The second was unmedicated, back to back, as they didn't give her the epidural in time. Breastfeed both just fine.

Youngest SIL has a vaginal delivery, breastfeeding.

Me. A csection. I wanted to breastfeed, but LO wouldn't latch. So I ended up on the path of exclusively expressing. So a csection and hooked to a machine around the clock. I feel broken and humiliated that my body doesn't work how it's supposed to work. I feel betrayed by my body. I feel less of a person, less of a mom because I couldn't do the things that they can. I'm dumber than soup compared to them. And now this. I couldn't have even had this.

There's not a single person that I know who could understand that. I know I need to be grateful that LO is healthy and that I still have a way to provide her with breast milk.

I just feel like every time I see someone breastfeeding, my heart sinks as I'm fumbling with a bottle, trying to do a balancing act between LO and bottle. My dr's office is pro-vbac, but it's not guaranteed that I'll be able to have one. In all likelihood, LO will be an only child because it's unlikely we can afford another.

 

[Balloo]

Massive massive hugs for you Hun. I understand ur feelings re csection vs natural birth. I had an EMC and LO was 6lb 3oz, my friends wife? 3 babies all towards the 11lb mark, all natural. When I first found that out I was genuinely disgusted with my body for 'failing' to do what it was supposed to do. I never attempted breast feeding, it was a personally and conscious choice of mine to not do it so I can't speak from experience with that one. But u r not a failure in anyway!! Ur body still housed your LO; fed her, kept her warm, kept her safe and kept her nourished. U r still feeding her; and it WILL get easier. I know it's hard to not compare yourself but u will succeed in ways other people can't. Everyone has their own battles when it comes to parenthood and there is genuinely nothing better at making you feel like a failure than becoming a mum.
Just take ur time Hun and remind urself u have a gorgeous, healthy, wonderful baby girl thanks to you and you're body and you're abilities, xx

 

[babybloo]

I just wanted to send you hugs. My circumstances are different than yours but I want you to know you aren't alone in your feelings. I feel like the birthing ideal, I.e. unmedicated vaginal birth with no interventions and immediate skin to skin and latch within the hour followed by breastfeeding with ease... It doesn't happen as often as I think women believe. And yet if we deviate from that path, even when its out of our control, we feel guilty or less like a woman/mother. It shouldn't be that way. As long as you and baby are happy and healthy its all that matters. I know how it feels to deal with those feelings and wondering why it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. That doesn't make you less of a person in any way! You are not inadequate. Promise.