I guess I belong here

[SmartieMeUp]

Me and OH split from this early hours this morning for domestic violence. I pressed charges but he was let off with a caution just before noon.

We were both sleep deprived which didn't help, and DD was unsettled for whatever reason. I was stressing because I couldn't sleep, but she could only settle down with me. Whenever OH had her she would scream "don't touch/get off/get down/mummy!" It was frustrating him as she never wants to be in his arms, then getting stroppy at me saying I needed to let her learn to settle with him. But I'm sorry, she was keeping everybody else in the house awake too. She started at 11pm through until 4:30am when we managed to leave. He was belittling me, calling me a pathetic bitch, saying I was small and nothing. What also peeved me was how he called me selfish for not letting him cut down this weeks child maintenance, for a ticket, yet he can manage to give a stranger £30-35 for 2 weeks for a keyboard he will never use for his computer. I was so angry. He was saying he wants to punch me so bad, so I told him to but I had Ava so he couldn't. I put her down, he was getting in my face so which I back handed him away. I grabbed Ava again so he grabbed my arm, twisted it round and pushed it up my back (my hand is now swollen). I was forced to lean on Ava, and she was screaming so loud. He then gave me two blows to the back of my head. They felt so sharp. I then tried to get off the bed to tell his parents I can't let him near Ava, he grabbed me by the throat and pinned me to the wall saying "no you won't, no you won't". My eyes were blurring and I managed to tell him to get off me, as I still had Ava in my arm and he was scaring her. Her cry sounded so fearful. Once I told his 'rents, I rang the police to his knowledge. And he didn't say much after. Just left me be for 10 mins then I, him and his mum sat downstairs getting to the bottom of it. Which then he told her, he loves me but doesn't want to be with me.

It's happened before in the relationship (from both parties, so I'm not innocent myself). We managed to move on from all the past occasions. But last night was the true straw. He assaulted me with DD in my arms. I wasn't having it.

I hate myself for it. I love him to pieces. I'm not vunerable as I can stand up for myself, but I'd take everything he gave to me. It makes me sound so stupid, but it was the fact Ava was in my arms which made me take serious action.

The shock of it all kept me going through the night, I didn't get home until 5:15am. Put Ava to bed and I slept myself. When we woke up a few hours later, it begun to dawn on me. I just cry uncontrollably and random moments, even when I don't want to. I've lost my love

At this moment in time, I'm not letting him see Ava until he has stuck to an anger management scheme which the police are sorting, and if things can't be civil after so long, I'll then let him see her though a visitation centre.

 

[daneuse27]

What you did took a lot of courage, and I really applaud you for having the guts to end your marriage. It takes a strong character to make the decision you've made, and you did the best thing for your little girl.

While single parenting has its challenges, I promise you are going to feel so much better once you're established, safe and away from your mean and abusive ex. You'll be sure that your daughter will never witness such a horrible event ever again, and he won't be able to do the damage to her that sadly, many abusive parents do to their children. Your daughter is now free from that, safe with just her mommy who has her back and is going to make sure she grows up in a happy, positive environment that does NOT include anyone abusive or toxic to emotionally scar her. I know what its like to love someone who's not right for you (an understatement in your case) and can relate to you missing him even though you know he's bad for you both. Just stay strong, and keep remembering what he put your daughter through - and what he will continue to put her through if you go back to him. Your feelings for him will fade with time, and you'll be so much happier in the long run.

So welcome to this part of the forum. You've done a brave thing, and you're an amazing mom. Stick to your guns on this and trust me, it will only get easier from here.

 

[Dream.dream]

Good for you for standing up for your self. I'm a domestic violence survivor . My sons dad was a real piece of work.

Your doing a good thing for your daughter , and you should be proud .

Toughest little bit is before you right now but you can get through it .

 

[SmartieMeUp]

Thanks for the replies. I'm really struggling.

I feel utter guilt for ringing the police and having him taken away. We've spoken to each other a couple of times and he couldn't believe I even did such a thing, he even said during his statement I could of stabbed him and he wouldn't go to them and do it to me. I've explained I did it because Ava was there, if she wasn't I wouldn't of made the call. He's also spoken to Ava on the phone, but after a few mins she lost interest.

I've been having anxiety attacks (not from the incident) and it's scaring me too much knowing that I'm losing/lost him.

This is going to sound too cliché but we were great together, he was good to me (putting a few past bits aside) and he was great to Ava. We only just started doing things as a family - going swimming, going to the park etc. It's just when arguments overheat - even the pettiest thing.

I want to build on it all. I feel like I can't give up on him.

 

[daneuse27]

He's guilt tripping you. By saying 'I never would have done that to you, even if you stabbed me' - well how the hell does he know that? He doesnt know unless he's in that situation, and right now he's just trying to make you second guess yourself and feel guilty for doing something that was best for your child. He doesnt sound like a very good parent at all. A good dad would call the police if his child was living with a mom that was violent, crazy, and toxic because he would want to protect that child from growing up in that environment. He's basically saying "I would never put the safety and well being of our daughter first."

He's obviously a manipulative and controlling person, the reason he "couldn't believe" what you did is probably because he expected you to be scared of him and not stand up for yourself. You showed him what you're made of, and that you will stop at nothing to do whats best for your daughter. Its high time he's learned that lesson.

I grew up with a father that was similar to your oh, and I can just imagine what your daughter's future is going to be like if you were to stay with this jerk. All I can say is that there are years of my life that I block out because of the painful memories in them related to him and the way he treated our mom, and then me too as I got older. Picture your oh one day doing to Ava what he did to you, or having her witness a fight like that as an older child and remembering it for the rest of her life. It would emotionally scar her, hun. She'd forever take those horrible memories with her. It may even cause her to choose unhealthy or abusive relationships in the future.

If Ava one day told you that her husband did to her what your oh did to you the other day, what would you tell her? There you go.

 

[lilyd]

You shouldn't be the one feeling guilty, he assaulted you with his child in your arms. He should be the one feeling guilty instead he is just feeling sorry for himself because you called the Police.

A 'great' relationship does not involve violence and if it exists, there is no point judging the remainder of the relationship as 'great'. From your own admission this is not a one off incident and therefore I honestly think you are better off apart from each other. It will certainly be a healthier environment for your LO.

The fact that he hasn't sought help before indicates that he maybe doesn't see the violence as being a serious probelm?

I wish you lots of luck for the future x

 

[SmartieMeUp]

@daneuse27 It is easy for somebody to say something about a situation which they've never had to come into contact with. But if he didn't phone the police then I certainly know who would, and he would most definitely be behind them every step of the way.

He spends time with her, plays with her - he's in love with his computer but when she or I am around, he doesn't touch it unless she's asleep (when he's alone) or we share my laptop when I'm there. He took her out the other day just so I could have some extra sleep. I've called him a "bad dad" before, which I regret and wish to retract dearly. And he walked out on us when she was only 2 weeks old and he's never lived that down, wished he never did it.

I wouldn't say he was manipulative, he's shy to say the least. I was more or less the one who wore the trousers and kept an eye on what he was doing. There are so many things I could use and hold against him with what he's done to me emotionally but taught myself to forgive him for the things he did to me. I will stand upto anybody when needed, and this was a serious example of doing so.

I've been in the middle of domestic violence with my parents too, on one occasion I rang the police for my mums safety after he beat her unconscious and he beat me for calling the police. He cause stress on all my family resulting in my niece to be premature at 24+3 weeks. That specific attack was down to drug and alcohol abuse. And OH always used to bring up that he was a waste of space for hitting my mum, that he wasn't a real man etc. I've seen it all before, I'm prone to think that's what all relationships should be like. And my OH was the first person to know about it (we weren't even together then) and he said he'd show me how someone should treat one another in a relationship. A year later I made the first move on him as he provoked me, he just walked off and took it. I just believe, well want to believe that it all can change and we can be happy and realistic with each other, together for her sake. I don't want her to be in a broken family.

Honestly, I would advise her to leave but I wouldn't blame her for not doubting it.

@lilyd He fullywell knows what he did was wrong, even more so DD was there to witness. He said I made him "sleep in a dirty cell" I asked him if he thought he didn't deserve it and he didn't really have an answer, just the "I wouldn't do that to you..." but he mentioned he had a good nights sleep there.

It's crazy because once it's happened we can be bright as new the following day or so. It'll be brushed under the sofa and we would be back to happy again. Ava would be none the wiser and smile.

He was diagnosed with depression, had medication and sent to a psychiatrist for couselling on which he only attended one successful appointment as his counseller was going on maternity leave and he never heard back from them with any more appointments (that I know of). He must not of seen it all coming again, so it'd be a one off thing which wouldn't happen again, unfortunately it did.

Thank you. I honestly can't picture myself moving on with somebody else, I've started my family and it's incomplete. I wish it to be finished by the same person xx

 

[lilyd]

But he could have phoned and chased for another appointment. It honestly reads as though he isn't really taking responsibilty for his own actions and sees himself as being the victim.

Instead of telling you that you 'made him sleep in a dirty cell', he should be telling you that he was completely out of line and begging your forgiveness. The fact he didn't answer when you asked him if he thought he deserved it speaks volumes.

Violence is not normal in a relationship and looking for reasons and excuses as to why it may have happened is a slippery slope imo. If you really want the relationship to work, my advice would be to seperate until he proves he is serious about understanding and changing his behaviour by undergoing more counselling and anger management.

 

[daneuse27]

I agree with Lily, your ex should NOT have been complaining about how he was put out by being in prison. He put himself in that situation, not you. If he hadn't gotten violent, he wouldn't be there. This is his own fault, not yours. The fact that he's putting blame on you tells me as well that he isn't taking responsibility for his own actions and he sees himself as the victim.

He can be manipulative and shy at the same time. Making you feel guilty for calling the police is manipulative, I'm sorry. You were scared and did what you had to to protect your daughter. He should be glad that his daughter has such a brave mom that would protect her from his toxic and abusive behaviour. He should be apologizing over and over for what he did, not putting blame on you.

It doesn't matter if he's nice other times. That doesn't erase the bad.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

Since I feel like I'm being made out to be the complete bad one. I'm the worst out of the two of us but I'm certainly not just the bad one. I've done my fair share of mistakes, this being the worst out of the lot. And I'm sure I'll make mistakes in the future. Just definitely not to this magnitude.

The way I know it happened, Ava was not in Bec's arms when I struck her to the back of the head, but don't take that as me thinking what I did was right. I got hit first, and I'm sorry but man or woman, if you hit someone, expect it back. However, I didn't just do it once, I reacted out of order and irrationally. More so that my little girl had to witness the horror of her Dad laying his hand down on his Mum.

Another thing which really riles me is the fact that you've just supported Bec, and that's it. She punched me in the face and thrown a mobile phone at my face at my Nephews and Daughters party because an accident happened on the bouncy castle in which we laughed about then she took a turn for the worse when we went inside in which she thrown her iPhone 4 at me. I name the phone because it isn't light, it's made of metal and glass, so it's a fair object to throw. It cut my face open.

You've called me manipulative, you've called me controlling... I can be manipulative, yeah, and it isn't something I'm proud of. I'm certainly not controlling though. I always tell Bec to go out and have fun, but its her that always turns the offer down. Sure, I worry because I've never thought highly of myself and thought Prince Charming would swoop along and take her away, but I'm always happy when she came back.

I've never said I didn't deserve being in a police cell, because I did. I didn't give her an answer about whether or not I deserved it or not because I knew I did and just wanted to keep it to myself, I guess. I was just shocked she actually called the police, but now, I'm proud she did because she has shown that she is indeed, a great Mum.

About my depression. I used to be depressed, and I still probably am. But I'm working now, and I'm occupied so I don't let the darkness control my body anymore. I come home, and be happy. Sure I'm a little tired from having to get up at 4am and going to do an 8-hour shift at work but that's nothing compared to what Bec is doing. I know she does a great job, and sure, is stressed a lot of the time and maybe I should thank her more than I have done previously for taking excellent care of our daughter.

About me not making an another appointment. Don't call me out on that because as many people know who suffer with it, they're scared to do the smallest of things. I had to will myself forward to make the initial appointment then I sort of got thrown back and I went back into a ditch. Luckily, I got some balls and found a job, keep myself occupied and as I said, the darkness is no longer here as often.

It isn't just I who needs counselling, it's both of us if anything. We both know how to wind each other up, which is the worst bit.

One little thing that has always pissed me off with her though is that because I like to play my games (When Ava or Bec isn't around may I add) and spend money on keyboards she won't allow it basically. If it was something more normal like go out, spending money on alcohol and going out in clubs, she'd be fine with it but because it is something out of the ordinary, I think she finds it hard, too.

I've probably missed a lot of things, but this is my side of things. I'm not a bad person nor am I a good one. I'm just a lad, who has made mistakes, who has done wrong doings.

Yours sincerely, Wade, Ava's bad Dad who likes to beat women and sleep in dirty cells.

p.s. Yes, I logged in to Bec's account to post this. I had an inclin that she would made a post and I brought it to her attention yesterday. I don't visit this site as I like to see it as her private thing to do but visited it twice, yesterday and today and I thought I'd put my point across.

 

[lilyd]

I don't think violence has a place in a relationship, regardless of whether it is a man/woman that is being violent. If I had read what you had posted, my response would have been the same in reverse - leave until she gets some counselling/anger management. However, I strongly disagree that if somebody is violent towards you then 'expect it back'. There is also the option to walk away.

I stand by everything I said as I was responding to the specific incident about which she posted.

However, after reading your post it would just highlight the fact that you are involved in an unhealthy relationship. Maybe it is both of you rather than just you that needs help, but from reading everything both of you have written, I really don't think you should be together - certainly not until you have both got some help.

I'm not suggesting that either of you are bad parents, but a violent household is not a healthy environment for a child.

 

[daneuse27]

It doesn't matter if she hit you first, you should have known better than to hit back. Any parent (man or woman) who justifies violence needs professional help. I agree that both of you should seek help before attempting to be together again. Your daughter deserves to live in a stable, happy environment. Not to be surrounded by parents who think its ok to be violent towards each other.

I echo PP in saying that I'm not calling either of you bad parents either, but there is a serious underlying problem here, and if you don't take the steps to address it then it will get worse and mean consequences for the most innocent person in this whole equation; your daughter.