I have almost no one to help me through this...

[Frippledip]

Except for my DH who has been lovely but he's at a loss for words. I thought I was doing OK with this..I was so early, it's so common, etc. I thought I was prepared. I guess what I hadn't prepared for was my small list of "friends" (who I told specifically so I would have support if this were to happen) disappearing like farts in the wind. Other than voicemails and texts from my mom, brother, sister, and especially DH, no one has sent a card, flowers or nothing. Not like getting stuff makes any difference, but it's like everyone thinks it's no big deal. One "friend" (who is pregnant) even wrote me an email telling me not to tell her until I'm showing. That way it's more of a "surprise." The insensitivity is killing me and I feel bad because I know DH is trying really hard. I have been so depressed the last few days, for the loss of my pregnancy, but also because I feel like my true friends have shown themselves, and they are nowhere to be found,

 

[LeaArr]

 

[orange-sox]

Oh poppet

I know how hard it is when everyone turns their back on you, either because they don't know what to say, or because they don't care.

I'm glad you and your DH have each other for support, but don't forget we've all been through it, and we're here for you, whether you want to cry, or scream, or shout, or just talk to someone about anything.

 

[babybuffy84]

Oh no im so sorry i too have just gone through a miscarriage and agree that people just steer clear,and to me thats so much worse.
Im sorry i cant say anything to help you cause i know how you feel and i feel the same but am sending you lots off hugs xxx

 

[toby2]

for you, its tough when ppl cant be there when you need them and i am not suprised you feel angry-glad you have a supportive oh,maybe talk to your family or a special friend about how you are feeling ?they may think they are doing the right thing by giving you 'space'....dont know why ppl think that but i know they do

 

[vickielm]

So sorry for your loss hun.

I experienced almost everyone avoiding me. But i had a select few which were so strong for me. I would confront them, they prob feel akward, but your not an alien, explain that to them. I did and they understood that when i wanted to talk i would and if i did not i would say so;

vik

 

[RobenR]

I'm sorry for your loss. My husband had friends with pregnant wives who have vanished since our m/c and I had people who looked at me with no idea what to say.

*hug*

 

[thingy]

its a real hard time but is no excuse for friends not to be there. I am thankful i have a few really good friends who proved that telling them was right. BUt most other ppl have been so dismissive and as if it hasn't happened!

 

[Belle30]

oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you xx
People can be crap in general, but they're notoriously crap when it comes to knowing what to say or do, or saying "the right thing" (whatever that is in a situation like this). So it's easier for them just to not say anything and avoid the issue! Which doesn't help you, I know. Since my m/c my DH, mum and dad and a couple of people at work have been wonderful, but I have also been hurt by a couple of insensitive comments - and particularly a phonecall from a member of DH's family who was allegedly trying to "help" - but just made me feel 10 x worse!

I feel bad too because I am sure I am quite difficult to live with at the moment, and DH is trying so hard. But we need to give ourselves time to get over something like this.

Friends are still friends, but their lack of understanding and empathy for what you're going through means that they just don't know how to be good friends to you in this situation - it's a kind of fear on their part - so they disappear at the worst time for you. It's not an excuse for their behaviour, but they're not doing it maliciously. I just try and think myself "lucky" (it's hard!!) that I can learn from this situation, and maybe one day that will mean that I can be a better friend to someone who suffers the same awful thing.

Big

 

[Widger]

Remember that you have everyone on here who can help you by listening etc. It is really tough when people just don't know what to say... so they end up saying nothing at all. I know it prob doesn't feel like it now but it will get better. I didn't think I'd get out of feeling so depressed but I did.... thankfully.

 

[AP]

Frippledip, i just want to add that soon you will find those secret few that have been what you're going through. It's like a strange secret club. I don't know why, as i am certainly not ashamed. I discovered a huge majority of friends who had been there too, and brought me closer to some i never thought i had anything in common with. I'm so sorry you have to deal with some insensitivity so far. Don't be afraid to say what you feel to people. X x x x x

 

[Chilli]

I didn't know what to say to my sister and waited for her to approach me when she had a mc. I thought her silence meant she was ok as we had always been very close. several years on after the distance growing between us she blew up at me and accused me of all sorts of terrible things based on me ignoring her mc, which I never meant to do. Since then I've had my own mc last week and finally understand how abandoned and angry she must have felt with me. It was the first thing a friend of 3 mcs warned me about... how poeple will react! It's like it's something we should be ashamed of an try to hide. I think people (including me in the past) just have no idea of the enormous impact it has on you and how desperately you need their support. I too have had texts "hope you're feeling better soon!" like that's gonna help me fill the void!!! I totally feel for you, but agree that nobody does it malicously - they just don't know any better! USe the people here who do understand and know what to say to help.

 

[Peach Blossom]

If you want to vent or talk the please feel free to pm me. I'm struggling to cope, but have found sharing things with ladies on this forum has helped me. So sorry for your loss and for your friends not being friend like.

 

[AP]

Also it really wound me up that my 16 yr old cousin was pregnant and when i told her about the mc she never said i thing - i wanted to slap her, especially as it is her intention to bring up her child was in a squalid house where her bf takes drugs. That certainly wont last long!

 

[redball]

I am so sorry for your loss. When I had my first miscarriage (I currently think I'm going through another one) I felt lonely and miserable and the people I thought would be there for me weren't there for me the way I wanted them to be. What some thought were comforting words made me feel sooo much worse, to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone. Strangely enough the comforting words I received were from those who I wasn't close to at all, but who had been through the same thing. I know you're hurting right now and my hope is that you are able to find someone to talk to who can provide you with some words of comfort.

 

[Rebaby]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through I have felt the same since my mc 2 weeks ago My OH has been super, my best friend came round the day after she found out and brought me flowers and made me dinner, and my mum (who i am not even close with) has been ringing and texting checking i am okay. But mostly everyone else has been crap. Like, really crap. Either behaving as though it is something i should be ashamed of, asking loads of inappropriate questions and being insensitive, or just generally being crap!

Until i went through this myself i thought i had been supportive of my little sister (who had a mmc a few weeks before me) but now i realise i could have been a bigger help to her, and i'll remember that.

Big