I just don't know what else to do. .

[loopylew]

Posted this in my journal as well.
Today i feel that things couldn't get much worse. 2nd peak day, no bd'ing for 4 days now. Tried in earnest yesterday twice but DH couldn't stay hard, this is the third month in a row we've had this problem and i just don't know what to do. Other months he's said its cos im pressuring him so this month ive said nothing and he knows anyway, cos i think we've been trying for so long that he knows the signs etc when im ovulating.
i feel that everything is against us, my short luteal phase his now whats seems erectile dysfunction. Its not all month just around ovulation. To then piss me off further last night while laid in bed he said " can't we just try IVF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no we can't "just try" IVF, i know he's a man and he doesn't get it but this just annoyed me. I know I was angry at the time and he's searching for answers like I am. I know i shouldn't get angry but I do which i think is a natural reaction to a months worth of not saying a thing to him about ovulation.
He's booking a GP appt next wk but i don't know how they'll help him when its selective dysfunction, its not like he has a medical problem in that sense.
I just don't know what else to do, i know todays out of the question as he's got his daughter all day, which makes it worse and i personally don't think he'll ever fully understand how I feel and tonight i doubt he'll be able to do anything as he knows we've ovulated now and its the right time.

 

[DaisyDuke]

Oh hunni, this must be so frustrating for u, i'm sorry i can't offer any words of advice. But wanted to give u a big

 

[vickie83]

I can imagine just how frustrating that must be for you (and probably him too) Maybe the doctor will prescribe viagra. big hunny X

 

[HatterasSarah]

I'm so sorry. It's got to be very depressing that these factors are going against you...but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have girls on my website that had the SAME issue with their husbands...because sex wasn't sex anymore, it was baby dancing. I guess it felt more like a chore than a pleasure. That doesn't mean your hubby doesnt find you ravishing! OH, and the girls that went through that are ALL pregnant now (obviously the erectile dysfunction didn't last long). Good Luck!

 

[CurlySue]

I am going to be one of those annoying people, now, and you know I don't mean it in the way that other people mean it, but...do you think you just need a break away from it all?

Can you not just book yourself a cheap flight somewhere nice and relaxing where there is a beach, a pool, a bar, some beautiful sights and just forget about it for a few days?

I know that recently, I go to a certain point with OH. I was sick of sex. I was sick of trying. I was just terribly bored with it all. We went to Spain for 12 days and, though it didn't get me pregnant it made things less tense. Less annoying.

It made me realise that there IS more to life than trying to conceive, though it does take over, though it does intrude on my thoughts more than it should.

Sex isnt about sex any more, is it? I know its not for me, either. It isn't for your OH by the sounds of it, too. There comes a time in this whole TTC thing when we need to step back and look at what we have because the minute it starts putting a strain on your relationship (and making sex a chore, a job, something to feel nervous about) then we have a problem.

Take some time for just the two of you somewhere that isnt Home, somewhere that isnt surrounded by those three letters.

Change the middle T to a L.

Make it about TLC, rather than TTC.

 

[loopylew]

Thank you for your response, I don't know whats best to do. I don't know what good taking a break would do or what point it would serve. Its me that temps, poas etc he knows nothing. If i didn't instigate it wouldn't happen, and thats 4 days before ovulation. Ive questioned his want for a baby and he says he does but i still think subconsciously now he doesn't, dont see what other explanation there is, he's ok throughout the month other thsn around ovulation which he's guessing at as he has no "real" idea

 

[NeyNey]

Oh Sweet Loo...How awful this is for you. I know it's happen to me a few times with DH and there is nothing more frustrating in the world. We even tried letting DH do his thing into a cup and using a big syringe to put it into me. Obviously with no luck. We just reached a point where we knew this was sending us crazy. Perhaps one month off won't be too much time off for you both. I know you said DH doesn't know anything about it, but sweetie I think you could do with some rest time too. Perhaps around that time plan something, if a trip is out of order plan a night out..or dinner with friends, or a few days of something to distract you both. When your mind is on something else SEX...not BD becomes so much more fun and carefree....

Sneak out of a night somewhere....Who cares if no one is home...Sneak out anyway and drive somewhere secluded for a little romp or two!...

Just go back to being a teenager for a night or two...See what happens.

 

[CurlySue]

I know it's you that is doing the temping and the charting, etc, but, really, that is still adding strain. For you, I mean. I'm not saying take a break TTC. I mean stop making it the be all and end all. There has to be some kind of balance. You are temping. Charting. Having sex to a schedule because there is only one thing on the mind, and that is making a baby.

But, first and foremost, you have to think of your relationship. if it has got to this stalemate then something has to be done in order to rekindle things. To get things back to what they were BEFORE you were TTC.

Because, sex IS a chore, now. That much is obvious. Its a traumatic time for a relationship, when you are failing to conceive. I think we all know that, on here. But, now it is affecting your OH's ability to Do the Deed and it's already screwed things up this month.

It's a case of weighing up the pros and cons. Your month is gone, now. You have possibly already ovulated. There is no more TTC this month because the chance is been and gone. So, why not give your OH what he probably needs, and that is YOU. Just you. Not you and future child. Not you and temps and charts. Not you and ovulation and babies and cervical mucus. Just the woman he finds sexually attractive and can 'get it up' for.

There is nothing to lose this month, now. If this isn't addressed now, though, it could be your next ovulation wasted because of the same problem.

 

[Beckic]

Oh sweetie

Not sure what you have tried - but my OH can get a bit floppy some months too - and that is always when I am also not up for it - there are times when I dotn want it either but know we have to so I tell him we have to and really dont make any effort besides taking off my clothes and climbing on top (if you know what I mean). he can tell from my behavior that I am not bothered either and this puts him off even more.

we dotn have any problems with mr floppy as long as i give him the signals that I really want it. so when I know i need it that day I go on all day about how horny i am, how much I want him, give him kisses, grab his arse etc... and then in the evening always dress up in sexy undies, hooker boots etc.. and act like i really want it (and usually i do enjoy it then). It really is all about acting with my OH and yours might be the same too. as long as he thinks i really want him then he forgets why we are doing it - and the 'man' side of his brain kicks in and hes happy.

failing that - there is always putting porn on whilst we are doing it - which i usually use as a last resort if things arent has hard as I would like down there. and that ALWAYS works for him.

To be honest - there are lots of times i dont want to BD but go through the motions - and if i had something on the outside of my body that showed this - then i would be very floppy too!!! it is easier for us to use a bit of preseed and open our legs, lie back and think of england - they dont have that luxury
and when I dont feel like it - its not cos i dont want a baby or because i dotn find my husband sexy - its just because there is no fun there because i know i have to - and i am sure our OH's are the same as us - and unfortunately they have to do a bit more of the work than we do when it comes to BDin

i am sure he loves you sweetie and he wants a baby with you - our OH's, like us, just want it to be easier than it is.

i am so sorry that you are going through this on top of your worries about your luteal phase etc.. hopefully your doctors appt. will give you some comfort.

Thinking of you and sending you

Bx x

 

[Omi]

Just wanted to say I thought becki's advice is fab. I totally agree with everyone on here..and boy, i know EXACTLY how you feel Lew.. i really do. But as previously and much more eloquently put..you need to take a step back, hun! You really do.

Me and oh have had many talks on the subject and some were less fruitful than others iykwim? And i decided to NOT making him feel guilty if, as you guys put it, Mr Floppy shows up (lol) because a) he feels much worse than me at that point (he's verbalised it at times even) and b) at least we tried! So now when it happens..and it does now and then..thats what we say..cuddle and 'hey, tomorrow is another day' kinda thing. Well, what are you gonna do?

Its so true though..all we have to do is lie back..no wonder you get performance anxiety in this situation..i think its very understandable , isnt it?

Having said that, what ever you do dont start doubting each other and making this into a big ugly thing. I know its THE most important thing to us, the ttc, but if you find yourself in this position, with this problem, i think the only way out is to really try to ignore it. I know, it sounds ridiculous and impossible to do! And dont think i dont go to sleep sometimes thinking 'God, why?? GRRrrrrr!!!' But i have learned to go into denial about it..i.e. Denial is a river in Egypt' if you know what i mean? And ignore that it happened because its not all about me and trying for a baby. WE are trying for a baby and so i have to take his feelings into consideration, too.

I do very much understand your frustration though..i really do. I understand you just want things to work and are dead tired of waiting and then feeling like you failed that month. But you have not. Granted you are not pg -yet! But like it or not, this is part of the journey of ttc and it will drive you absolutely crazy and ruin this lovely thing between you that made you want to have a baby together in the first place.

Im sorry i dont have any better advice for you hun, but i honestly believe there is no easy way out of this one. You either grin and bear it, or take a step back and loose the pressure of ttc for a while... whatever you decide to do, please dont lose the magic...talk to eachother but calmly, re-assuringly and without blame. You both have to see things this from eachothers viewpoint otherwise it creates resentment ( yep- ive been there..'IM doing all this stuff..he just has to get it up!) I found once we did that we BOTH felt better about it..but it IS hard, hun. I very much empathise...

All the best!

, Omi xxx

 

[loopylew]

Thank you girls for your wonderful support, you are really the only people who understand or that I can talk to about this. We tried again this morning without even talking about the past 2 days and its happened again. DH is gonna go to Drs this wk, see if they can recommend anything etc. I know we just have to ride it out and it is because he wants it so much. I am acting "normal" today, we're going out with friends later, we're not focusing on it despite inside im so gutted that another month has come and gone. Im hoping that once we get moving with the consultant it will make it a bit easier, don't know how/why but im hoping so.
I suggested taking a break and DH said that it would change nothing as he does nothing now etc, don't now yet, gonna see what happens at our appt in a week or so.
Going away etc sounds like a great idea around ovulation next month, trouble is I never know when its coming as my cycles can be irregular but ill see, might surprise DH with a w'end away! Thank you again girls for your support x

 

[maz]

Sorry to hear what's happening loops. I don't really have anything else to suggest other than what has already been said.

A break away for the normal routine things in life might help to relax you both, and might help to get things back on track again.