I lost my baby yesterday....

[jaytee146]

I was so excited as my only child is 5, I even started collecting coupons (silly I know) so that I could stalk up on diapers. My first hint that something could have been wrong was severe cramping but it was dismissed as implantation bleeding and cramping. Yesterday I started passing small clots at first and then they became large.. larger than I've ever seen. I could hardly stand but I managed to get my little one in the car and we drove to the er, where we sat alone. My nearest family member is 7 hours away, and my "fiancé" and I had a disagreement so he was 7 hours away as well in our home town. I remember thinking omg this feels like labor, but a little worse. It never dawned on me that anything was severely wrong. I had a scan done and it was confirmed by 2 specialist ( because I didn't want to accept it) that there was a mass in my tube that was getting larger, and that normally they would admit me for observation but based on what they believe... It would have been fatal to me... now all of a sudden viable pregnancy is being thrown around like it's nothing. I remember asking did I do something wrong??? I was told I had an etopic pregnancy and that I would be given 2 injections immediately to dissolve whatever was growing in my tube. I had the most bravest face while I tried to explain to my daughter what was wrong with mommy and why I was in so much pain. I remember thinking wow this is happening so fast.

2 injections later and me passing something that resembles a small sac I'm still here hurting and bleeding. I feel like I'm pregnant but I know there is nothing at all in there.... I just want to stop feeling like I'm pregnant because I am not... I want to feel normal again, not an emotional wreck. My mom drove 7 hours to support me but I can't allow myself to cry right now... I just want to be alone I would have loved that baby and cared for it as I do my own little girl. I'm not a perfect mom but I would have promised to my dying breath love and support as I did my 5 year old. I feel like I'm being punished for something I did wrong in my life.

this is why I make it appear when people ask me (are you having more kids Jess) like I am so overwhelmed with one that I want no more... I hate having my heart broken, or getting my hopes up for what could have been. Why did this happen..... Why is it that people whom don't have these problems have loads of children and they don't even care for them nearly as some one who's prayed, worried, and who could truly provide a life for a little one.

I'm tired, hurt, and I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL PREGNANT!!!! clearly I'm not so I assumed this wouldn't be

 

[Sweetkat]

So sorry you are going through this. It's good you got to ER when you did because an ectopic pregnancy can have severe complications, including losing your tube, it rupturing, severe bleeding etc!

Of course you did nothing wrong. It's just one of those awful things that happen for no reason

Big hugs xxxx