I miss her so much

[sflowers]

Hi, i am new to this sort of thing, but my mum thought it might be a good idea to talk to people who have been through what i am at the moment?

It all started 2 years ago when my partner and i decided to TTC we always knew this would be hard as i have PCOS but 18 months down the line we were so pleased when we found out i was pregnant, we then had a happy and hassle free 5 months, until thursday 27th January 2011 when i woke in the morning with so much pain i could not walk, i went to my GP who was concerned and called the hospital who told him to send me home and not worry as i was a first time mum who is over reacting!!!

Later that afternoon my partner rushed me to the local hospital and we were seen by the maternity ward who again dismissed our concerns and sent us home, we continued to return to the hospital throughout the friday and saturday up to 4 times in one day, in total we went and was sent home 12 times from that thursday.

Then finally on the saturday night my partner refused to take me home and demanded they admit me and sort things out, so i was put on a ward and left all day sunday for a scan on the monday morning, but unfortunatley in the early hours of the monday morning i woke in so much blood and pain and crawled to the toilet on the ward and gave birth to my beautiful baby girl who was born asleep, i was totally alone, and the emergancy pull cord would not work, so i decided to scream the hospital down until someone came to help me!

I was discharged from hospital the same day, only to be rushed back again on the wednesday for an emergancy ERPC.

we named the baby Jasmine and we had the funeral last week, i have now returned to work, but as i work in a fast paced enviroment (construction) and am the only female at work i feel totally alone, i have only been back 3 days and people are demanding so much from me that i just dont seem to be able to do!

Also we opted for a PM to find out the cause of the prem labour, but we do not find out the results for another month yet, and i have all these questions in my head with no answers!!!

Sorry for the long rant but any help would be so great, i am struggling to get up in the mornings or even do the easiest daily things, i am also so scarred of it happening again, i had a scan the day before it all started and everything was fine!!!

Sara x

 

[jojo23]

my thoughts are with you and your little angel hun11 so sorry for your loss, i lost my little girl at 22 weeks but it was a missed miscarriage i gave nirth to her 2 weeks ago. like you i had a perfect 5 months and then at the 20 week scan we were told baby was a little small and they wanted us to come back 2 weeks later. thee didnt seem too concerned so in we went 2 weeks later only to find Lily had passed away a few days before.

I think you should def take some time off work hun... grief is very strange and will hit you at the oddest times esp with no female support around you it must be very hard! even if you take a week and just let yourself grieve.

I know you have questions im the same. we didnt opt for a pm as Lily was very small and we had her skin tested as well as the placents and amniotic fluid, my blood will also be tested so im waiting on that to come back. I know its so hard when people say 'maybe nature knew best' and that sort of stuff. try to keep positive though ive been readin alot on miscarriage and its more common than i thought(1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage) though i know this wont make it any easier.

have you done any memorial things for Jasmine other than the burial etc?like made a memory box etc. that can sometimes help. I ordered beautiful things off this website:

www.labelledame.com and www.alexandrasangelgifts.com

My thoughts are with you both hun and if you need anything feel free to pm me anytime.... the ladies here are amazing support xxxx

 

[fluffyblue]

Hi hun, firstly im so sorry you have had to suffer like this its absolutely disgraceful they did nothing to help you or save your baby for this it makes me so ashamed of the NHS sometimes.

As Jojo said you definately need to take time off to grieve, albeit the loss is classed as a miscarriage its not like that in the mind you need time to grieve for this little person you carried for such a long time.

My losses were early losses but it still doesnt make it any easier - please try and take some time to get past this you should not be working you need time to heal emotionally and physically xx

 

[wish2bmum]

I'm sorry to read your story sflowers, I can only begin to imagine the heartache the whole experience will have left you with. I'm only in the begining days and have hope that with time things will become a little easier, but at the moment I can't face the outside world! its too painful to watch life go on around me. No wonder if you had the funeral last week you are feeling so down, is it possible to take more time off work? I really thank the ladies on this forum the the support and understanding they have and if it wasn't for being able to come here daily and gain that support I wouldn't be as 'ok' as I am now. I hope you too ca nfind some comfort from this forum and if anything to know you are not alone xx

 

[SassyLou]

Sending love and hugs xxx

 

[lottie7]

It sounds like you were let down badly by the NHS. It sounds like you have been through such a horrific time. It must be impossible to keep your mind on work at the moment, you do need time to grieve the loss of your baby girl.
Sounds like your Mum is right. I'm sure you will find comfort in chatting to other ladies on 'baby and bump' who have had similar experiences.
All the very best.
xx

 

[mrsp3]

Thinking of you- such a sad and awful thing to happen. Sounds like you should definitely take some time for yourself to gain some strength before you even think of going back to work- i work in similar industry and its hard enough to be the only woman at the best of times but right now you need to surround yourself with loving family and friends who will look after you, rather than give the last of your energy to a job. xx

 

[natnat25]

hi sara,

so sorry for your loss. i had my little boy at 24 wks and he passed away an hour after he was born. it is such a painful thing to happen and at the time it felt like it was never going to get any better.

it is not surprising that you feel worried of the same thing happening again i had that same feeling and like you i have PCOS. i now have a 3 yr old daughter and i was terrified throughout that pregnancy but when i look at her growing and learning everday i feel so lucky that i have my little princess.

don't give up hope for the future

natalie xx

 

[cindersmcphee]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I am also waiting for PM results, was told would be around 6 weeks, so hoping to hear soon. My GP did warn me that in most incidents they don't find a reason so to be prepared for that.

 

[Semanthia]

I am so sorry for you loss. I can not believe your horrible experience with the hospital.
I agree with you mum, talking to someone will help you. I just lost my daughter too at 20 weeks and 6 days. I had a less than desirable experience but yours was so... I can't even find a word for the disgusting way you were treated, or I guess not treated. I think you need to address the issue with your doctor and/or the hospital board members. That will help you a lot. Just today I addressed my issues and questions and I felt relief. Start writing down all those questions that are in your head because when you get a chance to ask them you may start drawing a blank.
They needed to take you serious even if the outcome was the same after they did testing and exhausted all options you would at least have an idea what happened. Also I think you should start researching new doctors, I am starting that process myself, when you are ready to of course.
Again I am so sorry for you loss, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is aching for you. If you ever want to talk just send me a private message. I am willing to talk.

As far as having trouble getting out of bed, you will have days like that but try to be strong. I suffered from depression a while ago and have felt myself starting to get back into that state of mind. My husband and parents tell me when he/they see it to not let myself go to the dark place. Talking helps, going out and running simple errands and spending time with friends and family really helps.

 

[sflowers]

Hi, just wanted to thank you lovely ladies for your replies, things seem to be getting easier with every day that passes, i have put in a official complaint to the hospital that treated (or in my case didnt) me, so waiting to hear back from them.

Also just wanted to offer a word to cindersmcphee, my GP helped me understand that sometimes it is a good thing not to get a reslut from the PM as that means there is no obvious cause and nothing wrong with me or the baby, it was just a freak thing that probably would never happen again, so i am looking at it from that angle and it is helping, just thought you might get some comfort from that?

Please message me if you want to chat

Sara x

 

[jojo23]

glad your starting to feel better hun!at first i cried everyday then it got to every 2 days and now its only every now and then. im sure ill probably never get over it but ill learn to live with it and move on. hope you get some comeback from the hospital it was really terrible the way u were mistreated!! hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[sflowers]

HI, just wanted to give a little update. work seems to be getting easier with each day that passes, but i am still struggling to get up in the mornings, i am hoping this will get better as time goes on.

I also have put in a formal complaint to the hospital and am waiting for them to look into things and get back to me!!!

We have also decided that we would like to try again, but are both scared of the same thing happening again, but we can not go through life feeling affraid of eveything, so we have decided to wait for the Post Mortom results which come out in 10 days then we are going to start trying again!!!!!

Thank you everyone for all your supportive messages, i do feel like my life is slowly coming back together, but every now and then when i am alone or late at night i stop and think about what could have been if only things were different, then the only way i get through those times it to hope that one day i will hold my screaming, Healthy baby in my arms and have the family that we both want so badly, i just hope it does not take too long.

Sara XXX