I need advice on my 4 y.o

[MissRhead]

Sorry this may turn out to be long I'm just looking for advice or experience if anyone has been through/going through this

My son turned 4 in February, now he has always been a really clingy child, and I've always had issues with him being overly clingy with my mum it's had me really upset at times over just how much he seems to love her, I have no doubt in my mind if I asked him if he wanted to live with me or my parents he would choose them and not think twice about it. He stays their every weekend, it's always been that way as to begin with we lived with them as I was just 18 when I had him. I've tried not letting him stay and I just felt like it upset my parents and upset DS even more. When he's at home he won't play alone, he won't even go upstairs alone, he sleeps in my bed, I've tried everything I can think of to get him in his own room, nothing I try can make him fall asleep on his own, he hasn't in the whole 4 years, I've tried carrying him into his own room but it only lasts an hour max, that's got more difficult as I can't pick him up as easily now I'm 36 weeks pregnant. I feel like I try so many things to get him to be more independent but it just doesn't work, I started to take him to football lessons, dance classes library groups he just cries and wants to watch whilst hiding behind my legs. It effects pre school, I have a battle just to get him their every day and he cries every time I leave, he seems to be the only one that cries, he's been going for well over a year now! I went to watch his Easter parade today and all he did was cry, he begged me to take him home I had to distract him and run away I take him to places where he can socialise but he is so shy I feel like this isn't normal and it's breaking my heart, I had no confidence growing up it was awful, it's like watching myself as a child and its just terrible. What can I do? I feel like I've failed him but I don't know what to do to help him.

 

[Natasha2605]

You have absolutely not failed

Have you spoken to the nursery about the issues that you are having?

 

[MissRhead]

I think I need to, they keep asking if anything is going on at home, my dad dropped him off on Tuesday, they apparently snapped at him about why he was crying. I sometimes think I should move him but he does have friends their, and he's going to be starting the adjoining school their in September. My mum moved my schools so many times as I was exactly the same I just wanted to stay home with my parents. It's so hard knowing what to do for the best. X

 

[aimee-lou]

How often does he go?

You cannot force him to play as he's getting bigger now butter soon he's going to be in school full time and you need him to know that sometimes we all have to do things we don't like. Shyness is actually very normal - earl has been through phases where he wouldn't leave the house. He comes around though as we carry on regardless. He's currently very confident and will talk to anyone which in some ways is worse lol.

In your shoes i would probably speak to nursery and work with them. See if he'd respond to a drop in hours or a change in routine. Maybe he's getting overwhelmed and tired and needs a bolt hole or a days rest in the week? You need to stay calm and firm though. To some extent a 4yo is going to try to get what they want and if they know something works they're likely to keep going. Encourage him to follow what he wants to do..... Maybe doing some academics like basic maths and learning to read would build his confidence or a solitary pursuit like swimming or just a trip to softplay while all others are at school. Get your parents involved by praising him and getting them to take on some teaching themselves so they're not always the fun ire easy option.

Hth x

 

[MissRhead]

Thanks for the reply he goes 3 times a week, I'm going to ask to speak to them they've broken up now which is only going to make things worse as he gets used to being off! I'm having other problems with him in regards to going to the toilet, he has been fully potty trained since he was 2 he's never had accidents at night and now he's just constantly wetting himself, the first couple of times he told me he wasn't able to get his trousers down, I don't know why he didn't shout me as the toilet is right next to the living room where I was, then it started happening when he was wearing things like jogging bottoms so I actually don't believe he couldn't get them down as they are loose fitting, he's started wetting the bed and getting up in the night and just peeing at the end of the bed and places. I've tried not to get angry But it's really testing my patients. Their has to be something wrong but what?! Is this normal? Im so lost with all of this I just don't know what to do. I'm due in 3 weeks, I thought it couldbe due to the new baby but he only ever says how excited he is and how he will love him I'm just so confused x

 

[aimee-lou]

The toilet thing- earl gets lazy. There is no other way to describe it, he simply can't be bothered so doesn't get up. We tried not getting angry, star charts etc but utter didn't help. In the end we started to take toys/ dvds away and if he doesn't have further accidents he earns them back. I have been very clear that its important he goes to the toilet properly or he's going to keep getting in trouble. I've also bought a new toilet seat for him and if he doesn't have further accidents he earns more rewards after a while too. Been over a week since the last one. I've also asred him if it hurts etc in case its a physical thing like an infection. I do know sometimes kids can regress and don't rule out the new baby entirely but make sure he's clear about the expectations you have if him but that you're always going to be there. Maybe he's unsure about his position and the new baby. Give him some time over Easter and see if anything is bothering him. Hope things improve Xx

 

[cat_reversing]

hey, sorry to hear things are difficult right now.
It sounds to me like your son has some anxiety issues which are affecting all areas of his life. sounds like he has problems adjusting to change and finds things overwhelming. he may behave fine where he feels safest, ie with your mum but when he's not so sure he'll get upset.
school can be difficult as things are constantly changing and he may find it hard to make relationships with the teachers/assistants unless they are very consistent, sensitive and approachable.
None of this is your fault, you have done your best to help him..
Please go and see your dr about this, you and your son can get help and his school can then give him extra support when they understand how to help.
Your son sounds very similar to a close family member, who has improved since getting help.
give your son all the reassurance and love you can, anxiety can make children act out and can be misunderstood as bad behaviour when it really isn't.

 

[JASMAK]

My son was very clingy...until about grade two!!! Now he is in grade five and much better. I always thought it was a boy thing as my girls are different.

 

[MiniKiwi]

My brother was like this as a child. He has anxiety and it has been with him since he was a small child. My parents never knew what to do with him as he'd do things like get up in the night and wander the house for hours

I think you should take your son to his doctor and see what they say. It has to be hard for him living like this.