I need help!!!

[nkbapbt]

I'm very attachment parenting, my husband is for the most part...and Lakai is into FOR SURE! lol But we have a problem....or two....

One is that Lakai cannot go to sleep (once he has seen me in the morning) for his dad. He freaks right out, I can think of two separate times that my hubby was able to soothe him to sleep. Lakai is going on nine months now.

He was in the NICU for five months, and during that time I was the one who held him the most (daily when I was able too). And I think our bond is very strong. And that's LOVELY!

I am not into CIO clearly, I am not even very comfortable with controlled crying....but I also need a break some times.

I am finding myself getting a little rough around the edges with being the only able to soothe Lakai.

It's preventing us from ever leaving him alone with other people at night or during nap hours and it's almost to the point I cannot go out myself and leave him with just my hubby. Even today I came home from shopping alone, to a baby who had cried for over 40 mins and settled the second I took him.

(I should mention we are not ready to leave him alone yet...but its still in the back of our minds that this will be an issue when it arises)



I know some of my friends think I've brought this all on myself, because of my AP style and my cosleeping...and so on. But I don't really care..maybe I did. But I wouldn't change it. I love that Lakai and I are strongly bonded...but I do need some breaks...

Any ideas?

Also my hubby is very stern with the word 'no' and I am not very comfortable with saying 'no' for some reason. I would like to offer another solution. I tend to say 'let go' of things, where my hubby will just say 'no'. Lakai does listen to let go with me but rarely with his dad.

Any ideas for an alternative to saying 'no'?

Thanks ahead of time from an AP mom needing a break.....

(PS This post makes me feel really guilty...because it goes against my AP thinking in some ways...)

 

[nkbapbt]

Seriously....21 views and no one has anything to say?

 

[spacecadet]

hello didnt want to read and run! i dont know much about attachment parenting but it does sound similar to what i do with my LO! i love being close and having a strong bond and co-slept till she was 6 mths and went into her cot and i went back into my own bed (we shared a double bed in the nursery which is still there for the nights she doesnt sleep well - i jumped in there with her at 4am last night)
i feel that sometimes i am the only one who can soothe violet - i think her dad has put her to bed once in her whole life! hes getting better at it though for naps, he finds just holding her watching tv and ignoring her she'll fall asleep if she's tired, we dont really have a proper nap routine and she naps on the sofa anyway, also a dummy really helped with us, we got her to take one at 5 mths and she doesnt need it to go to sleep at night but i leave a few in the cot and she finds them in the night if she wakes..
if he takes her reclined in the buggy or car she will fall asleep too, but to be honest if he's looking after her her generally distracts her constantly (he's very 'full-on' and loud) or will just cuddle her firmly when shes obviously really tired and it seems to work, same for other people for naps (my friend had her and her aunt last month for a couple of hours) but i dont think we'll ever be able to leave her overnight somewhere..
also the saying "no" thing, your fella sounds like mine there too! he was always being quite stern until i pointed out if we use it too much she'll start to ignore it and we should save for when it really means something important (like something dangerous)
i like to say things like "errr" or "oy" "what do ya think your doing??"as they can be said light heartedly (as i chase her across the room) and i'll explain the reason why she cant do whatever she was about to, even though she doesnt understand! and the "let go" command which she knows! she did it on command tonight in front of everyone!! was so impressed with her
anyway have waffled on sorry couldnt really help you more.. i hope you get a bit of a break soon btw well done on yr LO hes gorgeous x

 

[MrsRoughton]

Holly is like this and we only been out a handful of times. but as she got older she has gotten better and as i had to go back to work she has settled in to nursery really well and better than we imagined. we started out by letting daddy do more with her and me just being around and slowly i would disappear for few minutes but letting her know i was going and giving her a big hug when i returned. i know its hard and at times and i hope that you can find a way around this hun xxx

 

[nkbapbt]

Thanks ladies!

I do sometimes send Lakai out with his dad in the stroller because it does help get him to sleep without me being there. But lately it's so gross outside thats not really an option. I just wish he could learn its ok to be with dad.

That daddy is a safe place to be too.

Lakai has been doing the diving with his arms open to me lately, and if he sees me and I pass him he starts to bawl even harder when his dad has him. Or he crawls over to me and pleads to be picked up, this only ever happens when I am pumping...since I pump full time for him. So thats the only time where it's hard to pick him up right away. Otherwise clearly I always pick him up and comfort him.

 

[dippy dee]

Aww i don't have anything important to say but didn't want to read and run, Harley has only just started going to his daddy for some male time but it is only after tea and before his night time feed that he will happily go to him.
As for some cue words instead of no i like to say "oy mr" or "ay mr" and he seems to listen to them.
Sorry i'm not much help x

 

[Vici]

Seriously....21 views and no one has anything to say?

I read but didn't have anything to say so felt it best not to comment! We do not pratice attached parenting par say and when Imi was in special care, daddy was the one tube feeding her for the most part as I was quite poorly so i didn't feel i had anything to add

 

[asacia]

Do you ever pass a sleeping Lakai (love the name btw) to his Dad? My LO will not fall asleep for others. If I passed him o OH when asleep, he wake up instantly and scream. I would still pass him to OH if I needed to up - OH would hold him close, and I'd rest my head on LOs belly until he settled down. At first he'd calm down but be awake, but now I can pass him over and he says asleep. Tried yesterday and I could pass him o my Mum asleep! It isn't the same as them getting him to sleep, but feels like a very gentle step in the right direction.

 

[kirsten1985]

^ That sounds like some good advice. I don't really have any myself, obv Freya is not as old as Lakai so we may have that sort of trouble in the future. I think possibly that with AP this situation is inevitable, and I think even with other parenting styles the mum/dad divide is still there.

 

[marley2580]

Kaya went through a really clingy stage at about this age and it drove me mad! Trust me though, they do grow out of it. Do you co-sleep? What would happen if your OH just went to bed and lay there with him? Remember that there's a difference with crying alone in a room and crying in the arms of a loving parent.

 

[Rachel_C]

Leyla's not as old as your LO so we haven't reached this stage yet, but have you tried either you wearing something that your OH has worn so that Lakai learns to associate the smell of his dad with you, or your OH wearing something that smells of you when he holds him? It might comfort him? Or how about doing a group hug kind of thing while you soothe him to sleep. Maybe you could hold him and your OH could hold you both, and then each time you do it, gradually move him closer to his dad until your OH is holding him and you're just there too. Hopefully once you get it so that he'll settle for your OH, other people won't be too long after. Like I said though, I have no experience of this, that's probably just what I'd try.

 

[nkbapbt]

Thank you for the replies. I never even thought of trying to wear something my hubby has...I will try that.

We do co-sleep, but because of Lakai's feeding issues (he is tube fed) I have to keep him in the livingroom until we all go to bed, because his last tube feeding is at midnight. So he isnt in bed when he needs to go down for the night. He is in our arms until he falls asleep and then we can transfer him to his boppy on the couch where he does sleep just fine.

Its just the actual getting him to sleep part.

Kyle actually managed to get him to sleep last night himself. And he didnt end up waking up at all after he finally went down for the night where sometimes he does need a little extra cuddle and then he goes back down.

I guess a little crying in dads arms isn't going to hurt him. It hurts me though. But that being said he needs to trust his dad can take care of him and be a safe place for him as well.

 

[spacecadet]

i found that it helped to just leave them to it (i was studying though so had to go up stairs for 2-3 hours in the evening for a couple of weeks at the end of my course) and not being in the same room cos if i was around she would just cry for me to hold her!
sometimes i would peek at them round the corner though..
it helps too that violet is able to interact with him more now and is amusing!
is there any situation where Lakai will just fall asleep by accident when tired (u said in the buggy sometimes?) if so maybe try to maximise that so yr not around when it happens, just so he gets used to actually falling asleep when yr not there - the more it happens the more likely it will be to happen again,
sorry if this is obvious stuff that you've already done.. ive had a large glass of wine and it hits me hard nowadays.. hope i make sense!!
i will go now
i am actually quite worried about mon and tues this week cos im back to work for the first time 6pm-12 in a pub and hes got to put her to bed..
xxx