I need some advice

[bradleyrocks]

Ok so I'm a total guy let's say a macho type of guy
that doesn't allow anything or anyone get in the way of anything
when it comes to my lil boy.

Ok so here is my story
my girlfriend recently broke up with me because I personally felt like
she had more love and respect and was way more attentive with her own family.
which included her mom and dad and brother. she's young I'm older then her
so I guess I see things different. anyway let me get to the bottom of this
and hopefully I can get some feedback and help on getting my life together.

I have never in my life felt so destroyed inside of me. so crushed and useless
while we were together the whole time her brother/mom/dad felt like I wasn't good enough for her. they would always look down at me and bash me because I'm not who they wanted her to be with. they don't like me cause of my nationality it's been to a point where her brother would call me every name in the book including a wetback.

she never had to work had everything she could ask for.
and I did everything in my behalf to make sure she was taken care of
yeah it might of been the best but she had it all. It started going down the drain when her mom had an argument with her and kicked her out her house
I always asked her to move in with me since she was pregnant. and well she let's say waited till her mom kicked her out the house before she took into consideration moving in with me. so she moved in blah blah everything was fine and great.

after a few weeks her brother and mom would call us and asked us for favors
like to take her brother and sister places because they needed help. I told her that we needed to take care of us before we helped anyone because till this point no one ever did anything for us. so why should we anything for them
anyway I felt like she got offended when I told her that she needed to realize who her real family really is. which is me and the lil boy

so she ended up going back to her house took the car and the baby.
and gave the side to her family. I now try to see the baby and they hold him against me. not to long ago I asked her if I could pick up the baby and she turned me down instead I found out she was out drinking and partying instead of taking the time to bring me the little one so that I can see him and spend time with him. till today I've begged and poured out my heart that I'm willing to do anything to get our lifes together but seems like she already has her mind set and is picking her family over me. I have been providing her with clothes and any sorta of items the baby might need but till this point I have not given her any money because I don't feel like she needs it. I told her clearly if she needed anything for the baby to give me a call and I would be more then happy to take it to him. it's been almost 3 weeks and she still hasn't brought him so that I could see him. every time I buy him clothes and any other item she always finds something wrong with it or it's something that's to small or too big but I cannot find out what fits him or what doesn't because I don't know how big he really is. I have a home business and her parents are forcing her to get on welfare so that I feel bad for her and I know she regrets it. but till this point I feel like her parents are the ones keeping us from being together.

so my question is this
should I give her money or continue to just give my lil one everything he needs. I don't want to give her money because I think she's in a situation where she feels like she needs money but in reality this was a choice made by her. I have been keeping all my receipts and stubs for any purchase I've made for the baby and till today the baby doesn't need anything. and I would do anything to get her back but it;s coming to the point where Im about ready to give up.

 

[billy2mm]

so sorry for you missing out on your little boy. her brother sounds like a very nice person throwing racist comments around btw.

the maintenence you would be expected to pay for the baby would be to help house him and provide heating and hot water etc... so you really should be giving her the money rather than milk or diapers or clothes etc...

have you spoken to a lawyer yet about what you are expected to pay? in the uk it goes through the Child Support Agency and for one child its 10% of your wage after tax, 2 kids its 25% and for 3+ is 25% of your take home pay. i dont know what agency/court it would go through in the LA though hun.

i would ask the lawyer for advice about visitation too coz you sound like an amazing daddy and your little boy shouldnt be missing out on time with you!

 

[TattiesMum]

I agree with Billy2mm about your ex's family and their racial comments .... nice!

I do kind of feel that you pushed your girlfriend into choosing between you and her family though .... I mean, I understand that they hardly made you welcome and obviously aren't very nice people But it's hard for anyone to make a complete break from their family, especially so for a woman who has just given birth to her first child

Refusing to help her family out (helping them would have subtly shown you as being 'the bigger person') and criticising them/telling her that she had to choose between you or them just painted her into a corner

As for financial support .... well we have a bit of this with my Grandson's Dad - he wants to just buy clothes or formula or nappies rather than give my daughter money. The problem is that, when he does that, he then starts moaning - along the lines of "well I'm buying all this stuff so what are YOU (meaning my daughter) paying out for?" and accusing her of spending her income on partying etc.

In actual fact my daughter hardly goes out at all Maybe once every one or two months .... her money has to pay for the roof over their heads, water, gas, electricity, food, bedding, toys, new equipment such as cot mattress, buggy, raincovers ... whatever LO needs.

Neither my daughter nor your ex should have to justify herself to the father of her child, or ask him for specific stuff - that's like having to beg for scraps and it's not on

 

[alexisandmias]

I guess that I am the opposite of the others. Unless she is contributing to her families finances I think that UNTIL you do something through family court that giving things rather than money is good. Continue to save receipts too! I wish you the best of luck!

 

[bloodbinds]

I'd pick my family over my OH too, anyday Men come and go, but my family will always be there for me.

And you should be giving her money. Think it's very unfair for you not to.

 

[bradleyrocks]

I forgot to mention her mom was the one who kicked her out.
with the baby. I wouldn't even forgive my mother for something like that
because now your now hurting just me but your hurting my lil boy.

and yes I understand your family will always be there for you
and that men come and go and it's same for men. woman come and go as well
but the major thing is always to fix things and do what ever it takes to have a family together and till this point I see no effort being made I feel like that once she makes up her mind of who was rigth at the end. its going to be too late

 

[TattiesMum]

I forgot to mention her mom was the one who kicked her out.
with the baby. I wouldn't even forgive my mother for something like that
because now your now hurting just me but your hurting my lil boy.

and yes I understand your family will always be there for you
and that men come and go and it's same for men. woman come and go as well
but the major thing is always to fix things and do what ever it takes to have a family together and till this point I see no effort being made I feel like that once she makes up her mind of who was rigth at the end. its going to be too late

You did mention that it was her Mum who kicked her out - but the thing is that with Mums and Daughters comes a very different type of relationship to that between Mums and Sons .... No matter how difficult a Mother is to her daughter there is still a HUGE reluctance on the part of the daughter to cut all ties. Psychologically most women need the approval of their Mother and we will overlook all kinds of bad treatment in the subconscious hope that we CAN gain her acceptance and approval

It's very complicated, and there may never be an 'end' to it .... making a complete break is very rare.

So by continuing to want your ex to 'make up her mind who is right' you are still painting her into a corner and making her choose

IF you truly want to get back with your ex and be a family then I think you are going to have to back down and be the bigger person .... let her know that you were wrong in trying to make her choose, that you understand that her family mean a lot to her and you are willing to embrace that and them as part of YOUR family too - not just you her and LO but a family that embraces everyone and that you really want a second chance to prove that you will do whatever it takes to be with her and your son.

I'm older than most of the posters on here and one of the greatest lessons that I have learned in life is that we don't own people and we CANNOT control what they do - all that we can do is to control our own reactions in order to reach our goals and be happy within ourselves. If that means swallowing our pride then so be it

 

[scottishgal89]

I guess that I am the opposite of the others. Unless she is contributing to her families finances I think that UNTIL you do something through family court that giving things rather than money is good. Continue to save receipts too! I wish you the best of luck!

I kind of agree with this. If she is staying at her parents and not paying for electricity, rent, whatever else. Then I would continue to buy and give her what she needs. Nappies, wipes, clothes, milk. If you gave her money, she 'should' then be spending it on the things you are buying anyway so surely that doesn't matter?!

I agree with what TattiesMum said about you almost giving her an ultimatum though. I would still help my family even if they hadn't helped me. That comment to me sounded a little selfish to be honest. Even though you and your ex would have a little family and that is important. Your mum and siblings are too.

 

[Pricey]

I'd pick my family over my OH too, anyday Men come and go, but my family will always be there for me.

And you should be giving her money. Think it's very unfair for you not to.

Going on this comment alone mate, I'd fight for your son, and move on because women obviously "come and go" as well, until you find the right one like I have. Sod her. Not being harsh, but that might be your ex's attitude too. Typical attitude when your trying your best. No help what so-ever.

I was messed around big time, and now I'm fighting to see my daughter who I haven't seen now in 2 months or so, and like you, I'm not paying anything either, why? Because she told me not too.

"But you should be paying it anyway?"

No, not really. I went to the CSA myself in order to pay her through child support and she cancelled it. Not my problem. I think this would also happen to you too, brad.

But to get to the point, I'd fight for your son, I know what it's like to have family not like me, and I'm glad I got away from it all, there will be someone better for you and your son will always be yours. If you try and fail then welcome to the long, battling road.

Also, you will come to find that theres not many men on here, so give me a shout if you want another point of view.

 

[bloodbinds]

I'd pick my family over my OH too, anyday Men come and go, but my family will always be there for me.

And you should be giving her money. Think it's very unfair for you not to.

Going on this comment alone mate, I'd fight for your son, and move on because women obviously "come and go" as well, until you find the right one like I have. Sod her. Not being harsh, but that might be your ex's attitude too. Typical attitude when your trying your best. No help what so-ever.

I was messed around big time, and now I'm fighting to see my daughter who I haven't seen now in 2 months or so, and like you, I'm not paying anything either, why? Because she told me not too.

"But you should be paying it anyway?"

No, not really. I went to the CSA myself in order to pay her through child support and she cancelled it. Not my problem. I think this would also happen to you too, brad.

But to get to the point, I'd fight for your son, I know what it's like to have family not like me, and I'm glad I got away from it all, there will be someone better for you and your son will always be yours. If you try and fail then welcome to the long, battling road.

Also, you will come to find that theres not many men on here, so give me a shout if you want another point of view.

and going off this comment, i completely agree!

Sod her, sounds like she's not that bothered mate, i wouldn't waste your time! Fight for you son and think only of him - he is the one that matters now. And when you start thinking about yourself and your son, maybe she'll get her act together and realise that you can be a family.

It is terrifying letting go of your family to start a new one. A thing not many woman want to do. Rather the devil you know and all that!

Good luck with it!

 

[bradleyrocks]

I feel like nothing I provide seems to be good enough.
I buy everything and give everything I can. and every time I do
there's always something seem to be wrong with the items I buy the baby.

and she does this just to push my buttons
did I mention she has not brought the baby over and every time she has planned to bring him over she finds these pathetic excuses and at the end she doesnt bring him.

she told me to move on since she already moved on. and she didn't care about my life
I started talking to this good friend of mine and she's now jelous and trying to find every damn excuse in the book so that my lil boy doesn't come around me as If doing something wrong.

I begged and poured out my heart for her and the baby and it was a complete fail
men can only take so much. and woman can only take so much before you let go
and I'm coming to a point where I don't feel like she's worth it.

 

[bloodbinds]

Doesn't sound like she is worth it be honest - but your son is! So you have to keep going for his sake.

And also, it is not up to the mother to bring your son to you. If you want to see your son, then you have to make the effort to go and see him. Doesn't matter if you don't drive, you can get buses, trains, taxes and even walk if you want to see him.
The one time the father of my baby came to see her, he got on 2 buses and 3 trains to come and see her, and has decided it's not worth the effort to come and see her - don't be one of those men.

And if she keeps finding things wrong with the babies clothes etc, then offer to take them both shopping so she can pick out what she likes and what will fit him. Or offer her the money to buy it herself. Or ask what size clothes he has and what sort of clothes she would prefer you buying, so you make sure you get the right type of clothes.

 

[billy2mm]

Doesn't sound like she is worth it be honest - but your son is! So you have to keep going for his sake.

And also, it is not up to the mother to bring your son to you. If you want to see your son, then you have to make the effort to go and see him. Doesn't matter if you don't drive, you can get buses, trains, taxes and even walk if you want to see him.
The one time the father of my baby came to see her, he got on 2 buses and 3 trains to come and see her, and has decided it's not worth the effort to come and see her - don't be one of those men.

And if she keeps finding things wrong with the babies clothes etc, then offer to take them both shopping so she can pick out what she likes and what will fit him. Or offer her the money to buy it herself. Or ask what size clothes he has and what sort of clothes she would prefer you buying, so you make sure you get the right type of clothes.

WSS

if your son is worth it you would walk over hot coals and broken glass to get to him! my ex-husband hasnt seen my boys in over 18 months coz they arent important enough to him and he prefers to go out and get wasted rather than pay the train fare or air fare to come see them.

do not let your son grow up with out you. forget all about her - you son must be your main concern at all times and a relationship with her shouldnt even be on the radar at the moment.

 

[scottishgal89]

Doesn't sound like she is worth it be honest - but your son is! So you have to keep going for his sake.

And also, it is not up to the mother to bring your son to you. If you want to see your son, then you have to make the effort to go and see him. Doesn't matter if you don't drive, you can get buses, trains, taxes and even walk if you want to see him.
The one time the father of my baby came to see her, he got on 2 buses and 3 trains to come and see her, and has decided it's not worth the effort to come and see her - don't be one of those men.

And if she keeps finding things wrong with the babies clothes etc, then offer to take them both shopping so she can pick out what she likes and what will fit him. Or offer her the money to buy it herself. Or ask what size clothes he has and what sort of clothes she would prefer you buying, so you make sure you get the right type of clothes.

WSS

if your son is worth it you would walk over hot coals and broken glass to get to him! my ex-husband hasnt seen my boys in over 18 months coz they arent important enough to him and he prefers to go out and get wasted rather than pay the train fare or air fare to come see them.

do not let your son grow up with out you. forget all about her - you son must be your main concern at all times and a relationship with her shouldnt even be on the radar at the moment.

Couldn't agree more

 

[sweetlullaby]

Doesn't sound like she is worth it be honest - but your son is! So you have to keep going for his sake.

And also, it is not up to the mother to bring your son to you. If you want to see your son, then you have to make the effort to go and see him. Doesn't matter if you don't drive, you can get buses, trains, taxes and even walk if you want to see him.
The one time the father of my baby came to see her, he got on 2 buses and 3 trains to come and see her, and has decided it's not worth the effort to come and see her - don't be one of those men.

And if she keeps finding things wrong with the babies clothes etc, then offer to take them both shopping so she can pick out what she likes and what will fit him. Or offer her the money to buy it herself. Or ask what size clothes he has and what sort of clothes she would prefer you buying, so you make sure you get the right type of clothes.

WSS

if your son is worth it you would walk over hot coals and broken glass to get to him! my ex-husband hasnt seen my boys in over 18 months coz they arent important enough to him and he prefers to go out and get wasted rather than pay the train fare or air fare to come see them.

do not let your son grow up with out you. forget all about her - you son must be your main concern at all times and a relationship with her shouldnt even be on the radar at the moment.

Couldn't agree more

Agree with these comments as well.

 

[TattiesMum]

Doesn't sound like she is worth it be honest - but your son is! So you have to keep going for his sake.

And also, it is not up to the mother to bring your son to you. If you want to see your son, then you have to make the effort to go and see him. Doesn't matter if you don't drive, you can get buses, trains, taxes and even walk if you want to see him.
The one time the father of my baby came to see her, he got on 2 buses and 3 trains to come and see her, and has decided it's not worth the effort to come and see her - don't be one of those men.

And if she keeps finding things wrong with the babies clothes etc, then offer to take them both shopping so she can pick out what she likes and what will fit him. Or offer her the money to buy it herself. Or ask what size clothes he has and what sort of clothes she would prefer you buying, so you make sure you get the right type of clothes.

WSS

if your son is worth it you would walk over hot coals and broken glass to get to him! my ex-husband hasnt seen my boys in over 18 months coz they arent important enough to him and he prefers to go out and get wasted rather than pay the train fare or air fare to come see them.

do not let your son grow up with out you. forget all about her - you son must be your main concern at all times and a relationship with her shouldnt even be on the radar at the moment.

Couldn't agree more

Agree with these comments as well.

Me too.

 

[LittleMadam]

Either find a family lawyer or contact your local Dept of Child and Family Services. Definitely go after your son. However, try being reasonable with MOB first. No ultimatums, just offer to help her. How about offering to take her out to dinner?

As for $$$, I don't think you should be giving her any AT THIS POINT. But I do think you should buy diapers, formula, etc, and regularly. You can also buy giftcards to Babies R' US for your little man.

Persevere and keep making the effort. E-mail, call or text her DAILY for updates because this way, she cannot say you have not been interested, and it shows you care. Also, keep a record of contact (and, as another poster said, of any receipts for ALL baby stuff you purchase.)

Hope things work out. xx


PS Nothing wrong with being a wetback!

 

[TattiesMum]

Either find a family lawyer or contact your local Dept of Child and Family Services. Definitely go after your son. However, try being reasonable with MOB first. No ultimatums, just offer to help her. How about offering to take her out to dinner?

As for $$$, I don't think you should be giving her any AT THIS POINT. But I do think you should buy diapers, formula, etc, and regularly. You can also buy giftcards to Babies R' US for your little man.

Persevere and keep making the effort. E-mail, call or text her DAILY for updates because this way, she cannot say you have not been interested, and it shows you care. Also, keep a record of contact (and, as another poster said, of any receipts for ALL baby stuff you purchase.)

Hope things work out. xx


PS Nothing wrong with being a wetback!

This is a really good idea! Gift cards for Babies R' Us and maybe a big pharmacy would stop any conflict over sizes and types of clothes/equipment needed and would put your mind at rest that any money you are giving will be used for your son and your son only while showing that you aren't going to just walk away

 

[Khadijah-x]

well done for staying strong and wanting to be in your sons life...you have a heart xx

I wouldnt give money, but clothes arn't really what He needs either. If i was you Id take powder milk (if shes bottle feeding) nappies..all the essentials, plus a few clothes. This way no one can say your not providing for your Son.
Also open a little trust fund and put a little money in there each week or whenever you can afford it for when hes older

Your ex sounds like a lost soul with her priorities all wrong.. all you can do is be there for you son which you are ...

Im white and my OH is pakistani... so I know how the culture clash thing is
His family dosnt know... im pregnant now hes telling me i HAVE to abort..
I reverted to Islam and he dosnt mind knowing ill abide in hell forever for aborting?! hes got no chance.
If he dosnt tell his family my dad said hes going to tell them as they have a right to know (true) but I also know its going to bring 'shame' on his family but iv given him the chance to tell them..lets see what happens..

He can walk away if he likes..Im happy doing it alone i really am.. love my seed more than anything.. I was blessed with a child and who is he to say its 'wrong' ...

I hope everythinh works out for you..x