silver lady
Mum to gorgeous daughter!
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- Apr 7, 2012
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First i apologize for the length of this and you have my full appreciation if you take the time to read. 
I feel like i shouldn't really post here as i have had only one loss but i need to talk to someone who can hopefully understand what i am going through.
My husband and i have been together for 3 years, last xmas eve 2011 we got married, we have been through a lot together, I have been through a lot in my life, i was abused by an uncle when i was 4 and raped by a cousin when i was 14, my life growing up other than that has also been a bit rocky. I did however make a big mistake too, i stole from a company i worked for and then owned up to it and put myself in prison for a year, my psychiatrist has told me my mistake was partly to do with my undiagnosed illness at the time of bipolar I (i am now on medication and doing really well), i however take full responsibility for my actions.
When i met my now husband my life completely changed i had been given a brand new outlook (he stood by me while i went away) i finally had a chance of getting everything i'd ever wanted in life, someone who loves me unconditionally and makes me so so happy and the chance to start a family something i have wanted so so badly to bring my children up my way and make them so secure and happy. I everyday remind myself of how lucky and happy i am i will never take this for granted.
We decided that on our honey moon we would try for a baby (i am now 32 and feel like time is ticking on) i actually got pregnant on my honey moon although we didn't realize until a month later I was so happy and so amazed at how quick it happened (i had in life convinced myself that i couldn't get pregnant with what had happened to me and also with a history of serious kidney infections) we were overjoyed and told close family and friends straight away, i then started having brown discharge which i got told was implantation bleeding i had that for a week and then it started to turn redder, i rang the doctors and we got booked in for a scan, the scan was showing everything was fine 6 weeks 3 days and we could see a heartbeat. I was over the moon but still wondering why i was still bleeding. The friday after me and my husband had a bad argument where i got very emotional, i then discovered that night that my bleeding was heavier than it had been so we went to A&E they couldn't do anything for us but got us a scan for the wednesday after, because there was no pain i still tried to remain hopeful at the time and on wednesday went to the scan on my own only to discover there was no heart beat , the embryo measured 8 weeks 5 days, i was heart broken the emotion and shock just hit me in a big wave, i decided there and then to have a D&C as i couldn't cope with carrying on bleeding and giving birth to it. My husband came straight away and we were both devastated.
I felt at the time that the argument had something to do with it even though the nurses insisted otherwise but i also couldn't help but think this was because of what i have been through.
A couple of weeks later after the bleeding had stopped and i was a little more stable we decided to try again but take it more as it comes this time, i had to take a pregnancy test 3 weeks after the D&C and that came back negative. About 3 weeks after that i started having the same symptoms as i did with my last pregnancy being over emotional and feeling nauseous at times, we did a pregnancy test and that came out negative (too early) i was so disappointed as i was so sure, anyway a week later before we were going to have a bottle of wine on a friday night (i had cut down drinking anyway just in case) i was still having the same symptoms so i said we'll do another test just incase (because i did not want to have a drink if i was pregnant) i was nervous and hopeful and a faint red line appeared
i did not believe it at first so i went outside in the garden where my husband was and asked him to look at it he was sure it was definitely there, i did another one to be sure and yes i got a BFP!!!
Things with this pregnancy have gone smoothly physically, i have been so cautious about it in the beginning and told only very close friends and family, i did however start to feel anxious about everything and then woke up one morning to go to the loo to find a tiny tiny spot of blood when i wiped, there was and has been no other blood to be seen since (crossfingers) i rang the midwife and they sent me for a scan straight away, the scan went fine and i measured 8 weeks 3 days we saw heart beat and it was a bit of a relief. I was so so nervous and worried though coming up to the 12 week scan i could barely talk about it, i was crying even when i went on the bed for the scan to take place, the scan went really well it was so emotional i measured 13 weeks 3 days, we could see baby moving and turning over it really was the best thing ever. I had no idea how much the miscarriage had affected me so far! The scan made me positive for a while and i had already started to show. My OH told his family and that felt a little strange making it more real but i was still cautious.
Now that the weeks have gone on and even though my belly is getting bigger all the time and i have started to feel movements (what feels to me like a mobile phone vibrating in my tummy) small little flutters, i still feel like i have put a barrier up on my feelings towards baby incase something still happens, nothing has happened otherwise, no bleeding no pain. i just am so worried about the 20 week scan i can barely talk about it again (even though as writing this i can feel LO moving) what if they find something or no heartbeat? I hate being negative and there is silently although i barely admit it so much hope going on. I thought i would be over the miscarriage by now and i think i am its just its left me thinking if something bad happens is it punishment? can i really be this lucky this time?
Apologies so much for the very long explanation but i had to get it off my chest some how or another, i can't tell any of my family or friends as i don't want them to worry too.
I feel like i shouldn't really post here as i have had only one loss but i need to talk to someone who can hopefully understand what i am going through.
My husband and i have been together for 3 years, last xmas eve 2011 we got married, we have been through a lot together, I have been through a lot in my life, i was abused by an uncle when i was 4 and raped by a cousin when i was 14, my life growing up other than that has also been a bit rocky. I did however make a big mistake too, i stole from a company i worked for and then owned up to it and put myself in prison for a year, my psychiatrist has told me my mistake was partly to do with my undiagnosed illness at the time of bipolar I (i am now on medication and doing really well), i however take full responsibility for my actions.
When i met my now husband my life completely changed i had been given a brand new outlook (he stood by me while i went away) i finally had a chance of getting everything i'd ever wanted in life, someone who loves me unconditionally and makes me so so happy and the chance to start a family something i have wanted so so badly to bring my children up my way and make them so secure and happy. I everyday remind myself of how lucky and happy i am i will never take this for granted.
We decided that on our honey moon we would try for a baby (i am now 32 and feel like time is ticking on) i actually got pregnant on my honey moon although we didn't realize until a month later I was so happy and so amazed at how quick it happened (i had in life convinced myself that i couldn't get pregnant with what had happened to me and also with a history of serious kidney infections) we were overjoyed and told close family and friends straight away, i then started having brown discharge which i got told was implantation bleeding i had that for a week and then it started to turn redder, i rang the doctors and we got booked in for a scan, the scan was showing everything was fine 6 weeks 3 days and we could see a heartbeat. I was over the moon but still wondering why i was still bleeding. The friday after me and my husband had a bad argument where i got very emotional, i then discovered that night that my bleeding was heavier than it had been so we went to A&E they couldn't do anything for us but got us a scan for the wednesday after, because there was no pain i still tried to remain hopeful at the time and on wednesday went to the scan on my own only to discover there was no heart beat , the embryo measured 8 weeks 5 days, i was heart broken the emotion and shock just hit me in a big wave, i decided there and then to have a D&C as i couldn't cope with carrying on bleeding and giving birth to it. My husband came straight away and we were both devastated.
I felt at the time that the argument had something to do with it even though the nurses insisted otherwise but i also couldn't help but think this was because of what i have been through. A couple of weeks later after the bleeding had stopped and i was a little more stable we decided to try again but take it more as it comes this time, i had to take a pregnancy test 3 weeks after the D&C and that came back negative. About 3 weeks after that i started having the same symptoms as i did with my last pregnancy being over emotional and feeling nauseous at times, we did a pregnancy test and that came out negative (too early) i was so disappointed as i was so sure, anyway a week later before we were going to have a bottle of wine on a friday night (i had cut down drinking anyway just in case) i was still having the same symptoms so i said we'll do another test just incase (because i did not want to have a drink if i was pregnant) i was nervous and hopeful and a faint red line appeared
i did not believe it at first so i went outside in the garden where my husband was and asked him to look at it he was sure it was definitely there, i did another one to be sure and yes i got a BFP!!! Things with this pregnancy have gone smoothly physically, i have been so cautious about it in the beginning and told only very close friends and family, i did however start to feel anxious about everything and then woke up one morning to go to the loo to find a tiny tiny spot of blood when i wiped, there was and has been no other blood to be seen since (crossfingers) i rang the midwife and they sent me for a scan straight away, the scan went fine and i measured 8 weeks 3 days we saw heart beat and it was a bit of a relief. I was so so nervous and worried though coming up to the 12 week scan i could barely talk about it, i was crying even when i went on the bed for the scan to take place, the scan went really well it was so emotional i measured 13 weeks 3 days, we could see baby moving and turning over it really was the best thing ever. I had no idea how much the miscarriage had affected me so far! The scan made me positive for a while and i had already started to show. My OH told his family and that felt a little strange making it more real but i was still cautious.
Now that the weeks have gone on and even though my belly is getting bigger all the time and i have started to feel movements (what feels to me like a mobile phone vibrating in my tummy) small little flutters, i still feel like i have put a barrier up on my feelings towards baby incase something still happens, nothing has happened otherwise, no bleeding no pain. i just am so worried about the 20 week scan i can barely talk about it again (even though as writing this i can feel LO moving) what if they find something or no heartbeat? I hate being negative and there is silently although i barely admit it so much hope going on. I thought i would be over the miscarriage by now and i think i am its just its left me thinking if something bad happens is it punishment? can i really be this lucky this time?
Apologies so much for the very long explanation
but i had to get it off my chest some how or another, i can't tell any of my family or friends as i don't want them to worry too. 
I think its perfectly normal to be afraid to let your guard down, every woman in this section comes to it afraid to bond with their baby in case they have their heart broken again, its to be expected after something as traumatic as a loss. Have you had any grief counselling? I think you should consider it, when I went for my 6 week scan i had my hands over my eyes and was sobbing uncontrollably, this morning i had another scan and also cried non stop because i was just waiting for that moment when they would tell me this baby had gone aswell. After the last scan a nurse took me aside and spoke to me about my previous loss and recomended i talk to the pregnancy counsellor at the hospital, she gave me exericises to do to help me let my guard down and bond with baby, small things like talking to my belly once a day for 5 minutes aswell as imagining one moment of joy i had yet to experience, like walking in the park with baby in the buggy. Hope your doing ok 
