I never ever imagined this...

[Roschey]

I never imagined how devastating the loss of something so tiny, someone you've never even had a chance to meet would be. I have 2 sons and a stepson. My husband and I desperately wanted to complete our family with one more baby. In January I went to have my mirena removed. We learned that it had perforated my uterus and was up in my liver. I had to have laproscopic surgery to remove it. We became pregnant in May. We thought all was going well until the doctor called me at home on a Saturday to inform me that my progesterone was lower than he'd like it to be. He started me on 100mg of oral progesterone twice a day. I had a follow up scan 3 weeks later (10 weeks) only to find that baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat, no blood flow, and no sign of life. I had a D&C last Tuesday. I have never been so hurt and neither has my husband. In fact, this is the very first time in the 16 years I've known him that I have ever seen him cry. We have always been extremely close, but this loss has brought us closer than ever. Our sons are confused and sad, and wondering why other people's babies get to live and ours couldn't. Our hospital has a cemetery reserved for the miscarried and stillborn babies. We will be visiting our angel baby next week when we go for our follow up. (It's 2 hours away or we would visit sooner.) I am terrified of experiencing a loss like this again, but still yearning for a baby and anxious to try again, although another pregnancy will never replace the one we lost. I am looking forward to hearing how the chromosome analysis comes back and what my doctors recommendations are for how soon we can try again. I am so sorry to all the other mommies out there who have had to experience this. It is a loss that I think can only truly be understood with experience. I think I was probably incredibly naive to exactly how large a piece of your heart breaks when you lose a baby so early and before you can ever hold them in your arms, and how much you blame yourself for not being able to save them no matter how much you already love them.

 

[Sophiejash]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a baby last September at 10 weeks and it was devastating. It's great you have good support from your husband. Mine went quiet and cuddled me when I needed it (he was worried about me and what I was going through) he dealt with it though in his own way but I think he never really viewing it as a baby as it was early, but the men don't carry them and make that connection with them so i think it's not quite so hard for them, that being said your husband sounds amazing. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon xx

 

[girljoe]

I offer my sincerest condolences for your loss. You and your husband are blessed to have one another and your sons will benefit from that, too. I recommend being honest with them at an age appropriate level. It may help your boys to progress through the grieving process if they don’t compare their situation with that of other families, and that is so hard because it is unfair. Having said that, what I really have experience with is the fear of a future loss. My husband and I were told we wouldn’t have children. When I very unexpectently become pregnant we were so scarred for the baby’s safety. It’s difficult to want something so much and cope with that fear. That blame you feel is a natural part of the grieving process, but know that you are not to blame. There is no blame. As parents we feel that we should be super human in protecting our children but the fact is we are human. There may be a chapter of The Compassionate Friends near you. It’s an organization for people who have lost a child and that might be helpful for your family. I wish you many future blessings.