I really need some reassurance...sorry it's wrong, but please...I need you ladies

[cowboys angel]

Hi ladies. I generally am in Baby Club but I do have a 7 year old stepdaughter. I really need some reassurance.

Basic issue:

~Obviously, her parents are divorced. Have been for a year.
~Her dad and I have been dating for about 16 months. (Yes he was already separated)
~Her mother has had a livein boyfriend since around the time him and I moved in together. But she hasn't stopped telling Evie (my step daughter) that she still loves her daddy and wants daddy to come back. This is confusing Evie so much. She doesn't understand.
~Her mother had OH thrown out claiming abuse (which wasn't true, and she had never filed a report which means she had kept her kid in a dangerous situation and was liable also. Once the police told her that, she dropped abuse claims. OH is NOT an abusive man.) and then kept telling Evie that daddy didn't love Evie anymore and he had left and Evie would never see her daddy again.
~Evie loves her halfsister, my LO. Absolutely adores her. She loves to help me with her, as much as she's allowed. She loves me too, and tells everyone that I am her stepmom but she loves me like I was her mommy and calls me mommy. But her mom tells her that I am a b*itch and that I stole Daddy (they were separated) from them and that Daddy left her for me. A 7 year old shouldn't even KNOW the word b*itch.
~Her mother had a personal protection order put into place, and then tried to get it renewed, but it was denied. (THANK HEAVENS)
~Her mother has a felony drug charge on her for illegally obtaining a controlled prescription by fraud. She had her livein boyfriend call and pretend to be OH so that the doctor would call in a refill, and then sold it. She is on probation for a year and if she has any contact with the police (including civil refractions) she faces jail time. There are more charges pending (insurance fraud to illegally obtain meds)
~Last weekend Evie's mom wanted us to give up our last weekend for a month so she could take her to her cheer competition....that we were going to go watch anyway. We said no, we would take her because we didn't want to lose our entire weekend, her mom could just meet us there. Because we said no her mom refused to register her and when we registered Evie, her mom wouldn't let her bring her outfit and stuff.


~This morning OH is in court for two reasons. One because Evie's mom wants to take Evie back to Colorado where OH and I and OH's parents here would never be able to see her. She claims she could see OH's real dad and stepmom but the last 4 times she was in CO she never took Evie to see them. She claims Evie has no support in MI, but she sees OH's mom and stepdad all the time, my family, OH's brothers and her cousins. She says Evie is doing poorly in school and would benefit from a new start. Evie is at the top (and higher) in school. She claims that Evie has trouble adjusting to the divorce. (What child doesn't?)

~The second reason is because, after much consideration, we are suing for custody. All of the above, plus:

` the fact that Evie sits here and cries and cries and begs us not to make her leave when visitation is over (though it's a court order and we have to she just doesn't understand that)

` the fact that when she gets here she has an awful attitude and doesn't listen and throws fits and all that, but is fine the rest of the time she is here until it's time for her to leave

` the fact that she occasionally has bruises on her legs which she says are from school and playing and we have no proof otherwise, except that some of the bruises haven't looked 'right' but CPS just keeps making notes and not doing anything

` the fact that her mother is possibly losing their home for the 3rd time

` Evie tells us all the time that they don't play with her, do things with her

` At our house we have two shelves of movies, ones Evie can watch and ones Evie can't. She's pointed out that she's seen several of the 'can't' movies with her mommy, and honestly? They're movies no one under the age of 13 should watch, sometimes worse than that. She is not allowed to watch them here.


Obviously we don't know what she says to her mother as far as making her leave, come back, etc. Yes she is 7 and 7 year old kids' wishes are fleeting. Yes kids play both parents in situations like this, we know that and take what she says with a grain of salt.

But we told her mother we weren't going to take full custody. Which OH's work schedule at the time of the last custody hearing, it just wasn't practical. He worked 15-20 hours a day. But now he has a new job, is around much more, and honestly, I don't think her mother is a fit mother. I don't like to say that, especially since I'm with her ex, but honestly?

Are we doing the right thing ladies? Now that I'm a mother, I know how heartbroken I would be without LO, and I feel sooo guilty!

 

[3rdtimelucky]

I couldnt say if you are doing the right thing, as I dont know anyone involved.. There is 2 sides to every story and im sure Evie's mams story would be totally different to yours. Im not saying whos right or wrong, but we are only hearing one side.
My eldest daughter (9) is from a previous relationship, me and her dad split up when she was very small, but over the years her dad had various girlfriends, he was in a serious relationship with one girl in particular and I met her a few times dropping and collecting my daughter from his house. And she always seemed quite afraid of me and we had minimal contact.
But years later after they had split up I met her out one night and we got talking and she told me the stories he had told her about me where horrendous and she later found out through his family that they were all lies and I was actually a nice person with my daughters needs at the top of my list.
So what im saying be 100% certain that all the stuff you think you know id true, before you try and get custody of Evie. I could think of nothing worse as a Mother of 3 beatiful children to have any of them taken away, as im sure you can imagine being a mammy yourself!
I wish you the best and I hope evrything turns out well for all invoved especially the child

 

[cowboys angel]

I really don't want to take custody from her, but at the same time, I worry about Evie. We only see her every other weekend, and don't know what's going on over there. The things Evie tells us we only take as seriously as anything you can coming from a little kids mouth. But we know the drug charges are real, and pending charges, because it was OH's prescription that she filled and her caseworker and the police are in close contact with us about this, and keep us updated on everything.

 

[3rdtimelucky]

Well if you really feel that it is the best thing for Evie then go for it. A judge will have tons of experience in cases like yours and he will get all the facts and rule in the best interest of the child

 

[cowboys angel]

OH just walked in, she lost the moving to CO but we didn't get Evie. Which is fine, as long as she's safe.

 

[3rdtimelucky]

Im glad she cant move states although im from Ireland so have no idea how far one place would have been from the other haha. But im glad that Evie can still be near you and your OH and have regular visitations! I also hope her mother sorts things out in her own life so you all can give the little girl the up-bringing she deserves!1 out of 2 aint bad

 

[cowboys angel]

Nope not at all, and we won the most important one.

MI to CO is about a 20 hour drive nonstop

 

[3rdtimelucky]

Thats it, im happy for you

That is some journey.. You could drive the length of the whole of Ireland in about 6 hours

 

[seoj]

Honestly hun... from what I read, you are totally doing right by Evie... and really, THAT is the most important thing. My hubby had to fight for full custody of his daughter when she was very little... due to the horrible situation her mom was in with they guy she was dating at the time. And he's had full custody since!!!! I cannot even begin to imagine how awful it would have been for my Step Daughter to grow up spending any more time with her mom than she already does... she just only gotten overnight visitation back the past year or so (after an incident of abuse by her then husband, now seperated- long story)... but the truth is, the child HAS to come first. You guys are only doing what you need to do to protect her and give her the best life possible....

Never doubt that you are doing what is best for the child. You sound like very stable parents and she will need that... especially as she grows.

I know how hard it is hun... my hubbies ex would say HORRIBLE things about him (and me) to our kid... and it was so painful sometimes when she was younger and would defend her mom or say she was right... even though she knew she wasn't. But it was her mom... so she'll always love her and hope she does right by her. As she has grown though, it's gotten SO Much easier... she only has every other weekend with her mom... and knows he mom "isn't right"... not by anything we've told her... just the actions she's witnessed herself. Her mom doesn't shield her from her stupidity either... and actually brags to her daughter or tells her about things like it's no big deal? Things, I would think she should be ashamed of and try to hide... but again, she's not logical. lol.

Being a step parent can be so hard... but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job! So keep it up hun Best of luck to you all!!!

 

[sleepinbeauty]

You are doing the right thing. I completely understand the position you are in from a "godmom"/"aunt" (their grandparents, the legal guardians refer to us as that) who had the kids full-time before the grandparents could take them kind of way. It is very hard to walk that line of taking care of someone else's kids like that and I completely understand that part of it too. This little girl needs stability. If things are really as bad as you are describing, your OH is doing absolutely the right thing. This is so sad.

 

[cowboys angel]

I wish I could say things weren't really that bad. Granted we are taking a lot of it from a 7 year old, so we have to take that with a grain of salt because we don't know what's going on there. But it's not just us she says it to. She says it to multiple people. I don't know. We can only do what we can do. We don't have her for visitation for 2 more weeks. We're really hoping her mom doesn't make good on her threats and up and leave while she has her for this stretch.