I think my mother may feel threatened by my new doula....help!?!

[ambertwogood]

With my birth approaching, I started to consider things that I hadn't previously. One of those decisions was to get a doula. I decided this bc, at about 23 weeks it started to become apparent that my mother wasn't going to that supportive.its not that I think she is acting like this maliciously, or is even aware of the hurt fullness, she's just a very sarcastic person. She has told me several times that she doesn't know how I'm going to get through the birth and that I will never be able to cope . Its very frustrating to say the least. Not only with the lack of support, the closer we get to my due date, I can't help but roll my eyes every time I hear my mom make yet again another sarcastic joke, all I can think about it having to listen to it while I'm in labour, and I'm not sure which will be worse.... don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, I want other there if she wants to be there, and I definitely don't want to hurt her, but I also want MY birth experience to be what I want and in a perfect world she would put a lid on the jokes for the duration of my labor and delivery but I know my mother, so I've tried to make the best of it. This is my so's and I'sfirst child and we both are journeying into uncharted waters and feel very lost. I decided a doula would be the answer and S O was relived and happy that I had found such a perfect solution for us both to be as comfortable as possible. I have also lucked out and not only is my doula a douka but she will also be providing professional photography for labour delivery and post free of charge! We are elated. My mother is less than so. She hasn't come right out and said this, but I can only gather from her comments and behaviour, that she isn't happy about it and possibly feels threatened. How do I make this okay? How do me and SO get what we want but also make my mother happy and secure in her role? I'm so confused. Was I wrong for getting a doula?

 

[Rhio92]

Maybe you should have a kind but firm chat with your mum? Explain to her that you love her very much and can't wait to have her at the birth, but that her attitude will not help in any way as you need confidence and reassurance. Also explain that it will give her the chance to do other helpful jobs such as getting you all drinks and snacks, helping OH, plus when the baby comes out, she can stand back and enjoy it, knowing someone else is looking after you/taking photos x

 

[Eline]

Have you ever pointed out to your mother that you are hurt and feel uncomfortable by her remarks? Maybe she's not aware of how you feel?
I definitely would not cancel the doula as you seem to feel very at ease with her. I agree with pp that you should talk about this with your mother. It might help to introduce your mom and doula before the birth?

 

[ambertwogood]

Have you ever pointed out to your mother that you are hurt and feel uncomfortable by her remarks? Maybe she's not aware of how you feel?
I definitely would not cancel the doula as you seem to feel very at ease with her. I agree with pp that you should talk about this with your mother. It might help to introduce your mom and doula before the birth?

No, I haven't just out right said anything, but I've skirted around it. I had mentioned last week BC so's mother had asked my mom if she was going to be called when I went into labor, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to call while I was in labour or wait til we had her BC I didn't think I wanted a bunch of people in our faces immediately afterwards so me and SO could adjust/bond with LO. I was then promptly told by my mother that I would just have to deal that family is going to be in the waiting room waiting to see baby which basically made me feel like OK, she obviously doesn't see me as a decision maker nor is she taking my wants/feelings into consideration.... Me and SO had already discussed the family thing and had both decided we'd like time alone....I had planned on letting my mom meet the doula this Friday, but I'm scared about it. My mother keeps making comments about how I've hired a swami, that she'll be burning incense, and will we be sacrificing chickens. Or that I've hired a witch doctor she's making me crazy.

 

[Alyssa Drough]

If that was my mum I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near the birthing room... Sorry but she sounds like all she's going to do is stress you out. You need to be straight with her about how she makes you feel.

 

[River54]

A doula is probably a foreign concept to her, and doesn't get/understand what the person does, just that she has a funny title. She is probably a tad hurt that she may not be called when you go into labour. She probably thought you'd need her...

That being said, she doesn't sound like she is taking your wishes into consideration.
fyi - IF people do show up - you can ALWAYS get the nurses to stop people from visiting you - they can be pretty creative at making excuses, and they can be a very effective barrier.