I think we're done :(

[mod19]

Well I just had surgery for my 3rd ectopic. All on my right side. The first one they "saved" the tube. The second one they removed the tube. The third, well it implanted on the outside of my right ovary. Dr said she didn't even know it could implant there, has never seen anything like it, and the chances of it were less than 1%. Apparently my left tube still looks good though.

The reason we are more than likely done is because this one progressed quickly. I wasn't even 6 weeks along. I woke up Tuesday morning and was fine. About half way through my shower I was in complete pain. I forced myself to drop dd off at daycare and go to work. As soon as the office opened I called my nurse and she said to come right in. I saw my Dr first, and she suspected another ectopic and sent me up for an ultrasound. While I was in the waiting room I felt sick and light headed. Got up to go to the bathroom but didn't make it and sat in a chair outside of it. I passed out and when I woke up in had 4 or 5 nurses around me and had vomited all over myself. They took me in for the ultrasound right away and called my Dr in to see, but all they could see was blood. I was in surgery within 30 minutes.

If I had called into work I would have been home alone with dd. What would have happened to her? What would have happened to me? The scariest thing for me is that if I hadn't pushed myself to go to work, I may not be here, and my precious baby girl needs me.

I am terrified of becoming pregnant again.

I have an amazing bond with my little toddler and I don't want to jeopardize that for anything. She's my everything and she'd be lost without me. This situation just sucks since we wanted to give her a little brother or sister, but I'm just not sure that would be a wise decision.

To anyone that has read to the end of this pity party, thank you. I'm really not even expecting anyone to respond, I just needed to get it out somewhere. Dh is so sad we lost another baby, but I'm more concerned that my dd almost lost her mommy. We can't really talk to each other about it right now because we are grieving over different things.

 

[george83]

Massive hugs, ive got no real words of advice but I know how your mindset changes once you have kids and they change your perspective completely. I had placenta previa with ds3 and ended up bleeding heavily and afterwards all I could think of were the worst case scenarios and what could have happened. Try to just take a step back and remind yourself it didn't happen, perhaps you made yourself go to work as deep down you knew your lo had to be somewhere safe and that was your way of protecting her. I hope you manage to rest and recover. Thinking of you

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

If you didnt go to work, you would have called 911 or DH and you still would have been ok momma!

 

[lau86]

Oh I'm so sorry that's so sad x x

 

[Left wonderin]

I'm so sorry for your losses . Sounds like a really tough time and really scary . It is all so new and very raw I would imagine . Maybe give yourself time to grieve and recover before making any decisions about the future . There is no rush . You have time . Just " be" right now , hug your daughter , spend time with her while you heal both body and mind ,

Try " not think " of the what ifs and what might bes .. Try concentrate on today it will help .
Again I'm sorry for your loss xx

 

[mod19]

Thank you for the responses ladies. I thought I was ok, but I've had my breakdowns since posting this. I really felt in my heart this one was ok, but apparently my maternal instincts were way off. I have a sister that blames me for my mom not being able to watch her kids when I have these surgeries (because obviously bowling is more important than her little sisters life) and that doesn't make it any easier. Just knowing she could care less about my life sucks. I dunno, I guess I just have a lot going on right now. I lost my baby, I lost my job (they changed my hours and I couldn't get dd from daycare on time, so they replaced me)...hopefully I don't lose my sanity.

Both dh and I are really on the fence about if we should try again. He wants a son so bad, but at this point I'm perfectly fine with dd. She's my mini me and she's all I need. But, I'm not alone in this relationship. Dh got all teary eyed when he found out his cousin was pregnant again. She has 4 kids, but only keeps one at a time (when she has a new baby she gives the one she had up for adoption) and he's angry that people like her can have all these babies she doesn't even want, while we can't seem to catch a break. We do have dd, but she's a miracle in herself and wasn't conceived without medical I tervention. I'm sure in time we will sort things out, but right now it's day to day.

 

[Kelskiii]

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Its important for you to now grieve and not make any major decisions. Get back to normal family life. Give your body a well earned rest. Your family is your main priority take care of yourself don't worry about other people.

You will know what is right for you in time.