I`ve done it!!!!!

[dancareoi]

I have been writing an email for days to my DH saying how i feel about the loss of our baby and how desperately I need to try again.

I have been sat for ages with my finger on the send button and I just did it.

Don`t know what his reaction will be as he is at work, but I had to do it.

He`ll think I`m daft for doing it this way, but at least it says everything I feel. If i try to talk face to face i`ll get too upset and emotional and that we won`t get us anywhere.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so glad you did it, Lisa..
Sometimes we can say all we feel BETTER in a letter than face to face/ I have read some letters I have written and it is exactly all i want to say and how i feel and everything I would not be able to say face to face. A lot of people do things this way and it is good for your soul and mind to get things out. I hope he responds well and understands your feelings. I am proud of you for sending it..
Let me know what happens..
XOOXOXOX

 

[dancareoi]

I am so glad you did it, Lisa..
Sometimes we can say all we feel BETTER in a letter than face to face/ I have read some letters I have written and it is exactly all i want to say and how i feel and everything I would not be able to say face to face. A lot of people do things this way and it is good for your soul and mind to get things out. I hope he responds well and understands your feelings. I am proud of you for sending it..
Let me know what happens..
XOOXOXOX

Andrea, he sent a brief reply back, not really what i was hoping for.

He says he feels worried and under pressure wanted a break to think clearly.

He says i mentioned my feelings and how kids were, but didn`t say how he felt.

he finished by saying he just wants us to be happy.

So at the moment, we have not got any further and I feel all upset again.

I will keep you updated.

Lisa

 

[Bride2b]

Lisa I am so pleased you sent it. Now he has time to digest it & its given him food for thought with regards to trying again. Its good he has responded, but I guess he needs more time to get his head around it all. He is probably really scared to try again. Maybe he just needs a bit of time before trying again. The good thing is he hasnt said no straight away. Well done for sending it xxx

 

[feeble]

It should open some communication for you if nothing else x even if he says 'i want to try again but not for x amount of time' that gives you something to hold to (or reject and demand sooner etc)

So i think its great that you sent it x Massive well dones xx

 

[kiki04]

Good for you! Sometimes that first step is the hardest but it gets things going and I hope he responds well to it

 

[dancareoi]

thanks for your replies.

I will let you know what happens, if anything!

 

[OliveBay]

Hi Lisa, I think sending him an email was a great idea. He probably just needs time to really think and reflect on what you've said and to give a ful response. especially if he's at work.
My OH gave me a lot of reassurance one day a few weeks after we lost our boy when he said 'Just because I'm not crying or talking about him all the time doesn't mean I'm not sad'. Men just deal with these things in a very different way, sometimes we may as well be speaking different languages! Just don't be frustrated at him if he doesn't respond in the way you want, or in the way that you would respond, since that is unlikely to happen.

I do hope that sending him the email helps you keep on communicating so you can get through this as a strong couple.

 

[dancareoi]

Hi Lisa, I think sending him an email was a great idea. He probably just needs time to really think and reflect on what you've said and to give a ful response. especially if he's at work.
My OH gave me a lot of reassurance one day a few weeks after we lost our boy when he said 'Just because I'm not crying or talking about him all the time doesn't mean I'm not sad'. Men just deal with these things in a very different way, sometimes we may as well be speaking different languages! Just don't be frustrated at him if he doesn't respond in the way you want, or in the way that you would respond, since that is unlikely to happen.

I do hope that sending him the email helps you keep on communicating so you can get through this as a strong couple.

Hi, thanks for you reply. You are right, they do deal with things differently.

The thing is baby 4 was an accident, he didn`t want any more after baby 3,so that doesn`t help things either.

I think he would like a few months to get his head round things and think clearly, problem is i will be 41 in August, so time is not on our side!

I spoke to him on the phone a little while ago and nothing was said. He won`t be in til about 7 - 7.30. Kids will be in bed about 7.30 so I don`t know if anything will be said then.

 

[OliveBay]

I know its easier said than done, but try to stay patient. He'll talk about it when he's ready and may not respond well to feeling under pressure. I do soooo hope that he does want to try again if thats what you want, but maybe he just needs some time to get his head around it. He may be really worried about you going through another pregnancy after your sad loss and the effects that any more stress or worry could have on your family.
Maybe play the good wifey role when he gets in - make him some nice dinner, fetch him a beer and snuggle up for some nice couple time and let him know you're ready to talk whenever he wants, but no pressure. When I want something, I always find with my OH that I have to plant the seed of an idea, let him think about it for a while and then let him think that the whole thing was his idea in the first place! (is that terrible?!!)

 

[dancareoi]

I know its easier said than done, but try to stay patient. He'll talk about it when he's ready and may not respond well to feeling under pressure. I do soooo hope that he does want to try again if thats what you want, but maybe he just needs some time to get his head around it. He may be really worried about you going through another pregnancy after your sad loss and the effects that any more stress or worry could have on your family.
Maybe play the good wifey role when he gets in - make him some nice dinner, fetch him a beer and snuggle up for some nice couple time and let him know you're ready to talk whenever he wants, but no pressure. When I want something, I always find with my OH that I have to plant the seed of an idea, let him think about it for a while and then let him think that the whole thing was his idea in the first place! (is that terrible?!!)

You are so right, he is very worried about how I would be if we were to lose another and how it would effect our family.

you are also right that I shouldn`t pressure him. That won`t help matters either.

Planting ideas in his head is something I`ve been doing for the last 23 or so years!!

If I hadn`t planted any ideas we wouldn`t even be married, let alone have any kids

He only wants to make me happy, but at the same time wants to make sure we are all happy.

I don`t think he knows what to do - I think he would like a forum like this for men so he could also talk to people.

 

[kiki04]

Oh hun you and I were in the exact same position... I will inbox you right away!

 

[Andypanda6570]

Lisa,
Your situation sounds just like mine, it is scary ..
The only difference is I will be 42 in June. I am married 21 years and with him 24. My husband feels the same as yours. I think it is normal they feel this way and I think it is fear more than anything I pray he changes his mind with a little time and some thought on it. I know for a fact my husband does not want to try again, mostly cause he is scared for me. He always says what if this happens again , will you will wee be able to get through it?
I don't have an answer for him
I am here if you need to talk..XOXOXOO

 

[dancareoi]

Managed to get access to a computer,but not for long.
````````
We had a chat Friday night after the email.Still nothing sorted, but he is not saying no.
He is very worried, obviously losing another is worrying him, but it seems to be worrying him more that if we were to have another there would be something wrong with it.
We will talk again next week. He did finish by saying "would it make you happy if we had another?" I said it would.

Hope everyone is ok? I`ll try and get back again in a couple of days to check in.
Hugs to everyone. xxxxxxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Managed to get access to a computer,but not for long.
````````
We had a chat Friday night after the email.Still nothing sorted, but he is not saying no.
He is very worried, obviously losing another is worrying him, but it seems to be worrying him more that if we were to have another there would be something wrong with it.
We will talk again next week. He did finish by saying "would it make you happy if we had another?" I said it would.

Hope everyone is ok? I`ll try and get back again in a couple of days to check in.
Hugs to everyone. xxxxxxx

My hubby was a bit like this too - I think he somehow felt that we lost the boys because we are somehow not "meant" to have another and we should just take this as a warning. After talking to the Obstetrician though he changed his mind. Have you had your follow-up yet? It may help if he hears of the relative risks etc from someone in a white coat. He may be now thinking of all the possible things that can go wrong, especially with a slightly older mother (I'm 40 this year, so I know this was in my DH's head, and mine), there are a lot of scare stories bounced about (not all factual) and I think we all lose our innocence after a loss like this, men included. They tend to be practical creatures and hate feeling there are things out of their control that they can't fix and this scares them, I think. I hope that with time and maybe a consultation with an expert he will come around, I think let him have time to think about it without keeping asking (I know how hard this is) and let him think he's coming up with it.

My DH said he was on board too but didn't really put in much effort till after he'd been spending time with his brother's wee toddler. Then I got a positive test and he finally said with tears in his eyes that he'd been thinking it would be really nice, so it obviously took him all that time to really decide. It turned out the test was dodgy or I had an early chemical but at least I knew he was fully on board then, and he has been bloody great since then - even when I know he's so tired, if he knows it's O time he makes the effort. I never used to tell him as I didn't want him to feel pressured.

I hope you get what you want in time, I know patience isn't in great supply with this. xxx

 

[dancareoi]

Managed to get access to a computer,but not for long.
````````
We had a chat Friday night after the email.Still nothing sorted, but he is not saying no.
He is very worried, obviously losing another is worrying him, but it seems to be worrying him more that if we were to have another there would be something wrong with it.
We will talk again next week. He did finish by saying "would it make you happy if we had another?" I said it would.

Hope everyone is ok? I`ll try and get back again in a couple of days to check in.
Hugs to everyone. xxxxxxx

My hubby was a bit like this too - I think he somehow felt that we lost the boys because we are somehow not "meant" to have another and we should just take this as a warning. After talking to the Obstetrician though he changed his mind. Have you had your follow-up yet? It may help if he hears of the relative risks etc from someone in a white coat. He may be now thinking of all the possible things that can go wrong, especially with a slightly older mother (I'm 40 this year, so I know this was in my DH's head, and mine), there are a lot of scare stories bounced about (not all factual) and I think we all lose our innocence after a loss like this, men included. They tend to be practical creatures and hate feeling there are things out of their control that they can't fix and this scares them, I think. I hope that with time and maybe a consultation with an expert he will come around, I think let him have time to think about it without keeping asking (I know how hard this is) and let him think he's coming up with it.

My DH said he was on board too but didn't really put in much effort till after he'd been spending time with his brother's wee toddler. Then I got a positive test and he finally said with tears in his eyes that he'd been thinking it would be really nice, so it obviously took him all that time to really decide. It turned out the test was dodgy or I had an early chemical but at least I knew he was fully on board then, and he has been bloody great since then - even when I know he's so tired, if he knows it's O time he makes the effort. I never used to tell him as I didn't want him to feel pressured.

I hope you get what you want in time, I know patience isn't in great supply with this. xxx

Hi, i think what you are saying about your hubby sums up mine as well. i am 40 now and will be 41 in august, so the age thing is a factor.
As the one we lost was an accident I think he also feels it wasn`t meant to b.
He is being the practical one.
He also feels it is too soon, but when we had a MMC in July 09 we waited for 1 AF and then got pregnant again and had our 3rd in may 10.
I might be being a bit daft, but I feel waiting 1 AF worked last time, so why wouldn`t the same happen this time.
Thank you for yor kind words and good luck with making a new rainbow.
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