I want to run away and hide!

[rexxii]

Hi,

I'm really having a massive issue atm and i really need some advice as i just can't make a decision on my own. Please help me!

Im 22 and a single mum with a daughter who is 18 months old. I live on my own and also have a job. My daughter goes nursery at most 25 hours a week while I work. Me and my daughter do have a amazing relationship and we do lots together swimming everyday, go out almost everyday to do something before I go work and we do have lots of fun. Im very happy with my daughter but I feel so pressured and lonely.

Brief history of how I ended up in this situation is I got pregnant my boyfriend and her father treated me like rubbish so we split when she was 12 days old he just let me run around and do everything when I was pregnant and didnt let me go out. He wasnt too supportive when she was born either. Moved back to my mums didnt see/speak to him for months everything was okay. My dad cheated on my mum and said it was because of many reasons but one was me being at the house with my baby as she was spending time with me not him. I got offered a house by the council, he kicked me out to live there with my baby even though I had no furniture. I was speaking to my daughters dad again so moved in with him. We got into a relationship again he turned into the lazy man again I was working lots, paying for his petrols, meals rent pretty much everything as he wasnt earning anything. So got myself a new flat moved in on my own and now I am in this situation.

I feel so lonely and under pressure all the time as I got so much going on and feels like no one is supporting me. I dont talk to my family as we have a strained relationship for obvious reasons and my mum never seems to want anything to do with my daughter. Ive got my ex/ daughters dad staying on my sofa atm as he has no where to live. Im doing him a huge favour he still tries to make snide comments on how much i use my phone and he keeps asking me to get back with him. I cant i just dont love/fancy him just see him as a friend. He doesnt really help bring up his daughter and she doesnt seem to care if he is there or not.

I have two best best friends one lives abroad and has asked to go live out there with her. Im really tempted but obviously I don't want my daughter to turn round to me when shes older and say you took me away from my dad. Hating me for it. Although i would love to live near my bestfriend as we are like sisters and we were growing up. I was never lonely, I always had her. Ive not got a bond with anyone like i do her, feels like a part of me is missing. I miss her so much we used to do everything together. I would to live out there with her.

Another best friend we've been close for a really long time about 2 and half years, good mates for about 4 years, and hes supported when my other friend has lived abroad. Spending my birthday with me when Ive got no one else, helped me move house when my own family wouldnt help me and has always been there for me to talk to through all my problems and has never expected anything back. Recently i've started to see him differently and now we have kissed. Its brought up some feelings I wasnt expecting. I feel happy round him, secure and trust him alot. But im worried I feel like this because I am lonely and feelings are confused. But another part feels like they could be real. I dont want to lose my best friend, I dont want lots of boyfriends for obvious reasons I want to be a good role model to my daughter. What do you think I should do?

Sorry for the length its a long winded situation i just need an opinion on it as I have no one to talk to. Im trying to do best by everyone but doesn't seem to be working please help! Thanks!

 

[CourtneyLane]

I think the first thing you need to do is get your ex off your sofa. He will find somewhere to go, they always do. Having him there will blur boundaries (he already thinks it's okay to comment on your phone usage) and adds stress that you don't need. Yes he's your daughters father but you don't owe him support like this. Your daughter will also be confused as to why he's there and will be witnessing any negative ways he treats you. Part of being the role model you want to be will include putting you and your LO first and not letting her see that type of stuff. Plus, stop seeing him as a friend. He isn't your friend if he harasses you about your phone and doesn't respect that you don't want to be with him. He's leeching off you.

On the friend thing, the one you kissed, I'd have a think about and see how you feel. Some of the best relationships develop from friendship. Some friendships get lost due to trying a relationship. You have to weigh up the risk. If you do go forward with him though, wait until you've asked your ex to leave because that might be messing with your head at the moment.

With the best friend thing abroad, I personally wouldn't move. You could move and find that actually you don't see her that often due to life getting in the way. Sometimes things are nice in theory especially when we think about the past and hope for more of the same but don't work out quite as we expect.

Buuuut that's just all my opinion lol!

 

[cookette]

Your PP said, you need that ex off your sofa, like YESTERDAY. He is obviously toxic and using you and sounds like he will continue to do so. I dont care if its a homeless shelter.

And im sorry What a tight spot to be in. Your dad is also a louf for blaming an affair on you- what a selfish, ignorant, cheating jerk! Your his DAUGHTER. Clearly he cannot take responsibilities for his own actions. How very sad.

The best advice I was ever given was to be happy with myself before I ever brought anyone else into it. I had to be happy alone (or in your case, with your daughter). It sounds like you have already considered this, as you dont want it to be a "convenience" issue since you are lonely. I cannot applaud you enough on that, so many 30+ yr olds cannot grasp that concept- you are wise beyond your years!

I have no great advice sugar....I guess I was thinking your post through out loud. But I wanted to commend you on really thinking it through!

 

[rexxii]

Thanks both for the advice. I would like him off your the sofa but he keeps hinting hes going to top himself. It makes me worried. My daughter doesn't see to notice hes here tbh. Which is sad.

Maybe moving abroad wouldn't be the best idea just feel very low atm. Maybe I just need to try stay strong. Im just being silly.

Im just getting into a routine atm with being self sufficient and doing things with my daughter. I just feel its too soon after my other relationship and the practical side of me is screaming no but my feelings otherwise. I think im just going to leave it as it is for now see if anything develops if it doesnt then ive still got him as a friend. I just feel happy and relaxed around him and hes so good with my daughter, helps me carry her changing bag when im carrying her and helps me get her out of the car, little things really.

I just want routine, stability and consistency in my life and happiness so my daughter is a happy and healthy child. But everytime I make progress he pulls me back. I still feel like I have to answer to him.

 

[CourtneyLane]

Ah. He's good at this! The topping himself hints are more likely than not just emotional blackmail. My ex used to threaten to cut his wrists if I broke up with him. The closer we got to breaking up, the more he would threaten it. He's still alive and kicking with his new girlfriend now as are many many men who try the same tactic. If you are UK based, I would consider phoning women's aid and get some experienced advice on how to navigate this emotional abuse (because that's what it is) and how to get him to leave your home. The fact that you still feel like you need to answer to him his worrying. He is emotionally abusing you

And you're not being silly thinking about moving abroad! Everyone has days where they dream of different places to live or changes they can make. You're not silly

Please think about moving him out though. You'll feel so much better to have your home back.

 

[moomin_troll]

Don't ever let someone hold their life in your hands! I very much doubt he will too himself, but if he does, then sorry to say but it's better now then when ur daughter could be really hurt by it.
Get that waste of space out of ur home.
To move you will need his permission, so maybe that's not an option to consider just yet.
I don't think being lonely could make u feel something for a friend. Take things slowly and see what happens