Leinzlove
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2011
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I loved my baby the moment, I saw the faintest line. The beautiful moment I looked at DH and said "We went and did it now." The moment in the 2ww when he just said he knew for sure. (And he had never said that before while TTC.)
The moment I dressed DD up in "This little monkeys going to be a big sister." Tshirt And I took pictures to announce my pg. The time I took a pic of my 7 week bump, wondering bump or bloat.
The moments I shared secret smiles with DH, when we had our Superbowl party. And I acted as if I was drinking, so noone would catch on to our big secret. The secret smiles I had to myself every time I thought of my baby. The dreams, wants and wishes I had for my family and the baby I carried.
The day before my scan. I talked to DH about how this baby would cause harvoc being born the year of the dragon. While DD was so easy, year of the rabbit. We laughed and joked about it.
The next moment when I woke up... and I got DD ready, made breakfast and smiled the whole day. I was so excited, I was going to see my baby. And I did see my baby and I also learned I lost my baby! My whole world turned upside down. I cried and cried, yet nothing would bring my baby back. I saw DH cry, and only rarely have I ever saw him cry. It wrecked my heart. I walked around thinking and screaming, I want my baby back, I don't want to lose my baby.
For days I walked around like a zombie. Waiting to see when my body was going to release my baby. While I worried when it'd happen as I had my brothers service and DDs major surgery. It was total devastation.
My point was I can't even forget about my loss now. I ache for my loss. I constantly think of what I did or didn't do. Found every reason to blame myself. Like drinking to much milk etc. Just stupid things.
And then seeing your friends who announced thier pgs while due when you were. Show thier US pics, gender updates, and being over halfway. And you know these people they are in your life. You're happy for them, but sad because you're back dealing with a loss and trying over again.
Then you get your BFP. And you're scared its going to happen again. You try all you can to be stong. That the odds are against it happening again. But, the joy you once had is gone. You don't feel like you can get to close. But, you don't want to miss any of it either.
How could I ever forget? For 9 weeks I carried my baby within me. It had attatched to me during impantation and it had grew. It brought forth so many smiles. And for those 9 weeks I was an Angels Mother.
The moment I dressed DD up in "This little monkeys going to be a big sister." Tshirt And I took pictures to announce my pg. The time I took a pic of my 7 week bump, wondering bump or bloat.
The moments I shared secret smiles with DH, when we had our Superbowl party. And I acted as if I was drinking, so noone would catch on to our big secret. The secret smiles I had to myself every time I thought of my baby. The dreams, wants and wishes I had for my family and the baby I carried.
The day before my scan. I talked to DH about how this baby would cause harvoc being born the year of the dragon. While DD was so easy, year of the rabbit. We laughed and joked about it.
The next moment when I woke up... and I got DD ready, made breakfast and smiled the whole day. I was so excited, I was going to see my baby. And I did see my baby and I also learned I lost my baby! My whole world turned upside down. I cried and cried, yet nothing would bring my baby back. I saw DH cry, and only rarely have I ever saw him cry. It wrecked my heart. I walked around thinking and screaming, I want my baby back, I don't want to lose my baby.
For days I walked around like a zombie. Waiting to see when my body was going to release my baby. While I worried when it'd happen as I had my brothers service and DDs major surgery. It was total devastation.
My point was I can't even forget about my loss now. I ache for my loss. I constantly think of what I did or didn't do. Found every reason to blame myself. Like drinking to much milk etc. Just stupid things.
And then seeing your friends who announced thier pgs while due when you were. Show thier US pics, gender updates, and being over halfway. And you know these people they are in your life. You're happy for them, but sad because you're back dealing with a loss and trying over again.
Then you get your BFP. And you're scared its going to happen again. You try all you can to be stong. That the odds are against it happening again. But, the joy you once had is gone. You don't feel like you can get to close. But, you don't want to miss any of it either.
How could I ever forget? For 9 weeks I carried my baby within me. It had attatched to me during impantation and it had grew. It brought forth so many smiles. And for those 9 weeks I was an Angels Mother.
I wrote this 4 days after I got my BFP! I would've been 4 weeks 1 day.
