If he can't be involved now, then why later on?

[Brightxeyes]

I know I'm upset and irrational right now.

But if he can't be involved to sort out our relationship issues, or whatever, whether we stay split up and just talk it out and arrange something like adults, then why on earth can he be involved after?

Like is going for a drink with your friends more important than that?

I'm just so mad, it's like if it was the other way round, I would put in the effort now and put in the effort once babies here.

I'm also feeling the lowest I've felt in a while. He said I need to be locked up in the loony bin, because I'm upset, quite frankly very depressed, feeling a little suicidal but I have never acted upon it and never would with a child inside me.. But it's that horrible niggle feeling you get creep up on you when you're at your lowest telling you you're going to be a bad
Mother you don't deserve happiness and you'd be better off dead kinda feeling I have right now.

The feeling where you literally want to peel the skin off your face because there's only so much crying you can do and nothing is making you feel better.

I had a drag of a cigarette. Felt disgusted with myself and three it away, and felt a million times worse.

I need my anti depressants and I need help and I really cannot be a good mother in this state.

 

[Brightxeyes]

Baby just kicked me as if to say Christ mother you need to get a grip.

I just freakin can't and I've gone through my whole phone list of who I can talk to and there's literally no one. No one that would care a whole lot.

 

[gemstone]

Hope ur ok! Sorry to hear things are getting u down. Feeling depressed & low doesn't make u a bad mother at all. Infact it's a gd thing u have been so open & honest about u feel. I think he isn't helping at all. Its not wrong what ur saying about sorting stuff out. I can't stand it if my df tried to walk out. I make him stay & talk. I'm not worried he will over act or anything so no i'm not in any danger. If u need a chat at all. Pm me hun. Ur never alone. Remember that xx

 

[SCgirl]

have you spoken to a doc/midwife about this? I've had depression in the past, so I've been told to monitor how I feel closely, because according to them, there are some meds that are safe to take while pregnant / breastfeeding (and there's a good chance the hormones will set it off). definitely better than feeling the alternative. even if there's a slight risk with the pills, if you're anything like me when you start to feel depressed, you're just not taking good care of yourself, which the baby needs right now!

 

[Brightxeyes]

I think I've tried to convince myself I'm fine.. Like I'm not allowed to be depressed almost because I'm meant to be happy right now..

I think the clinic doctor booked me in to see someone about it anyway, despite me saying I was okay.

Luckily I'm still eating okay. Every time I've suffered badly before it's always been my eating that has gone downhill, but luckily, I'm still eating.

It's 3am and I've been shattered since I've been at work today and I have no intention of sleeping now.

It doesn't help that a big lightning and thunder storm has started. Like the absolute worst I've ever seen or heard in my entire life.. And I'm currently sat on the top of the stairs because I'm scared of being too close to the lightning haha.

Boyfriends still out.. If I can even call him that anymore.

I'm driving myself crazy pretty much.. If he does anything with a girl tonight I would not be able to cope. Because he said he needs time away from me.
Which is funny because he doesn't spend ANY time with me to start with..

I get horrible obsessive compulsive habits when I'm really worked up. Which is usually drive round in certain areas repetitively which I just spent a good hour or two doing. It's just what i do. And I know it's not a good habit to have.

I said some horrible things earlier but so did he. I said I literally am too heartbroken to speak to him and we'll have to sort something out formally for the baby. And I literally won't say a word to him. I regret saying that because it makes me seem like a right selfish cow. I don't mean it. But I'm seriously just that heartbroken I can't handle these things. And if he ever did finally truly break it off with me.. And find someone else.. I seriously don't think I can take it.


Holy crap the lightning I swear is happening right around my house. The biggest explosion ever. Like feels like only up the road or something. Bloody hell. It's just really not a good night for me right now haha.

I don't think I can handle going to work.. I really don't.. I just don't want to do anything.

 

[DolceBella]

There are anti depressants available that are safe during pregnancy, if you'd like to talk to your provider about it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

 

[vickyandchick]

I understand the whole boyfriend situation, my OH had a breakdown a couple of months ago, we split and he went totally off the rails and it was horrible. It's okay to cry, there were nights where I was so heartbroken I wanted to rip my heart out and die. It doesn't mean you're going to, it's just such an overwhelming situation.
I'd talk to your midwife, mine set up appointments with a counsellor and it helped so so much.
Good luck hun and pm me if you ever want to talk x

 

[Brightxeyes]

I just get horrible impulses. Like I know I couldn't go through with suicide and even though I've done it before, I refrain from turning to knives.

But like I had horrible impulses to cut my hair off when I saw scissors. Or scratch my skin on my face and pull out my hair. It scares me.

But I do stop myself. I just can't handle such strong negative feelings.

We spoke all night once he was back. He was heartless. Said we are over and that it as my choice as I said it. I said no I love you I just want you to care about me. And he said he doesn't know if he does he's had enough he's fed up. He blames me for everything and takes no blame himself. Which a mutual friend has noticed he's stubborn like that.

Then I just said I don't care if you hate me I have no one else but you just cuddle me because I was just that broken I needed one. And I asked if he loved me just a little and he said yeah but he doesn't know if he can do it anymore.

Kinda were on strange terms like we've gotta see how it goes and the crap has to stop. Like straight away had to stop. Kinda DTD and that broke a bit of tension.

I'm just so worried about making everything nice and happy and good from here on out. I know I'm not perfect so I don't want to mess it up.
I know it I try a bit more he might. He must have a real issue admitting his faults but I know he's aware of them..

Iduno.

See how it goes..... I just hope it goes well....

 

[VickyLou]

Sounds like you need to go and speak to your doctor or midwife huni. I guess the depression that you are feeling will not be making the relationship problems easier.
Your boyfriends sounds like mine, he will never admit when gets in the wrong either. When we row it's always my fault, he can never see what he has done, must be a man thing ay. At the moment though if we row or I don't feel supported I just tell him it's not about me it you it's about our unborn child, if you can't be there for me now while I'm carrying part of you how on earth will that change when baby comes.
It seems to work with my other half.

I hope use can sort it out and become strong again. I would get the docs ASAP though with the depression, it's not healthy for you or baby. Sending hugs xx

 

[labgal]

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, lovie. You obviously are struggling with depression, and your OH is only magnifying your feelings right now. You definately need to see what kind of help they can offer, and if you do go on medications you should do counseling in conjunction with it.

If you don't like your counselor or meetings are infrequent, they have workbooks you can get online that the counselor *should* be using that teach you cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that can help you pause and recognize when your thinking is negative, and what type of negative thinking you are prone to, and how to break the cycle. The books are typically around 20 dollars in the US. They're tailored toward your diagnosis, in this case depression, but they also have them for bipolar and borderline personality. Maybe you can try meditation, yoga, or just writing things out - writing can be very cathartic.

You should focus on yourself, and getting yourself to a good place, it's the best thing you can do for your LO. When you get through the depression, which I know you will, you will feel so strong and empowered, and you'll know you can help guide yourself and your LO through anything life can throw at you! Take your SO along for the ride if you can, but if not there are support groups and things where you can meet other people in your same circumstances, who will know what you are going through and can help you on your journey.

I hope you feel better!

 

[Brightxeyes]

Thank you ladies if I manage to pop up to see the doctor, this week I'll be asking for the help. But next Monday I'm due to see a lady who specialises in depression during pregnancy, so I may hold out til that appt anyway.

I'm feeling much better. We agreed to try, but we both made it clear that like we're at the end of our tethers now, and because we didn't 'try' as hard as we could have, we really kinda need to put in 110% from now on.

And communicate more. We can at least try until after the baby is here, and if it's simply still not working after hes arrived, then fair enough we tried.

But we both don't want to not experience going through the last stages of pregnancy and delivery and taking baby home when we're not together. We both want to experience it as a couple at least. And having baby here may take away a lot lf frustrations etc. eg. My self esteem will go back up slowly because I'll feel better and better about my body as I heal after birth.

He's given me breakfast in bed this morning, and even got out my vintage tea cup set. I asked him to come out to the pub last night so we could grab a nibble to eat and have a coke, just to be out the house. Like he got dressed all nice (he does anyway to be honest he likes his style) and I did my hair and wore something pretty. And it was nice for a change. And one of my friends (it's actually a girl from his group of friends he's known for years and she's going out with his other friend) is going to come out today with me and then we'll probably chill at mine for a bit. So I feel much better that I've actually got plans with friends too now.

So we're trying our hardest to turn it around! Eeee.

Thank you for all the advice ladies. Depression can be so rough on anybody, but it's such a strange thing to go through whilst pregnant, because you almost go into denial and not want to get help or accept you are not coping because you are MEANT to be the happiest you've ever been. But it's okay to be depressed while pregnant. It just means you need help and need lifestyle changes..

I'm definitely going to chase up going to some kind of classes now that my maternity leave is only 6 weeks away, I'll need things to keep me occupied and make me prepared for the birth!

Right ladies, I'm also off to third trimester this week! So thank you for the help especially the last few days on this post, I really needed it. It's calmed me down and made me accept that I NEED the help.

What I didn't realise is that you can get antenatal depression as well as post natal depression.. So it's made me accept it more.

Have happy healthy pregnancies xxx

 

[VickyLou]

Glad you are feeling better huni. Also glad that you are your oh are going to try and work through things.

I hope the lady you see next week helps you with some tricks for the depression. Don't feel alone. Enjoy 3rd trimester, may see you there in 5/6weeks x

 

[gemstone]

Glad everything is working out see u over there tomoz! Eeek x

 

[Sunseal]

Glad things are looking up hun!

 

[MamaLa]

Glad that everything is working out.

 

[Ladylinks]

Please speak to your doctor they can prescribe something safe for you and the baby. Having to deal with such destructive thoughts can be harmful specially whilst pregnant. I've had to deal with my own share of depression and it is hard to tell close friends and family. If you need someone to talk to we could do a pregnant ladies of Birminghams pamper day (actually do very little at all) I'm a great listener. (Pm me if you like) Just wouldn't want you to feel like you have nobody. We all genuinely care. Hope you feel better soon. Xx