I'm afraid of setting some rules for my in-laws when baby is born, but feel I NEED to

[calm81]

Hey everyone. My previous pregnancy 3 years ago, my in-laws overwhelmed me, big time. I understand family wanting to visit the baby when it's born but they like to stay too long and hover in my face knowing how exhausted I was and just felt blah. I mean, I'm laying in the hospital bed in some god awful gown, exposed from behind (tie strings in the back to keep gown closed) having to slowly move to the bathroom with a heavy bleed, stitches etc. just not looking or feeling my best. Offering their advice that is not needed (currently pregnant with third baby) and I feel like I can't fully relax to recover.

Not only are they keeping me from resting but throughout the night the nurses have to keep waking me up to check my vitals, etc.

On top of that, when we took baby home the last pregnancy, my husbands mother was sitting at our house waiting for us with her friend whom I've never met that was wanting to meet the baby. First of all, who said you could go into my home with a friend of yours that I never met before, and second knowing it's the first moment home with the baby is rude, thirdly, shouldn't my family and friends meet my baby BEFORE your friend that I've never seen or heard of that's wanting to hold MY BABY. I mean, I'm sore, heavy bleeding, needing to use warm water bottles to clean myself after I use the restroom because of the stitches down there and just wanting to relax on the couch and stare at my beautiful new baby and bond while I recover and entertaining a stranger is last on my list.

I feel like they're socially stuck on stupid. My parents and siblings showed up at the hospital did their "ooohs and awwwes" gave me a cute teddy bear and balloons and said call us when you're ready for visitors and went home. I know I may sound bratty but if any of you have read previous post I've made regarding my in-laws, you'll understand why I'm putting up some conditions this time around.

I'm doing all the work for 9 months building this incredible life while getting big, uncomfortable and impatiently waiting for the days to go by for her beautiful arrival, they can AT LEAST wait patiently for me to heal from my delivery before ambushing me. My husband was of no help at all, he encouraged me to do meet and greet visits right after our son was born not caring that I was walking like a snail because my stitches were still healing 2-3 DAYS after giving birth.


This time around I just want my parents and his parents to pop in maybe a few hours after I deliver to peek at baby and leave and wait for our phone call to set up a nice visit at our home. Am I being the world's biggest brat?

 

[mummy2_1]

Not at all I think.ur.well.within your rights to set grounds rules. Family/inlaW's should keep.their.distance. Esp females who can relate to hat you have jst been throu.even the easiest labour in the world is traumatic experience.for ur body yo go throu let alone ur emotions. This is commonsense unfortunately they sound like they lack this. I would definitely set rules and say it's for all family and friends to prevent upset

 

[redneckhippy]

I just went through a terrible and stressful experience with this this week, which you can read about in my threat about when to allow visitors. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not wanting anyone but my husband there and it was just an aweful day and I still feel guilty, but I'm not going to back down becuase I don't want anyone there. I've decided that my New Year's Resolution is boundry setting and I'm starting with taking control of the birth situation.

 

[luz]

no! i feel the same way. My in laws were waiting in the hospital lobby when my first was born and came into the delivery room as soon as the dr finished stitching me up. I hadn't even had a catheter removed or held my baby yet, but there they were. wanting to be in control. The second time around we told people when the baby was born but didn't allow them to come see us until we were settled in the recovery room and had a few hours of the baby to ourselves.

If you think they will take it personally, after the baby is born just tell them the hospital is limiting visitors to certain hours or that they have told you they should only stay a certain amount of time to allow you to bond, recover well, and for them to do all the things they need to do. Make it up, do what you have to. You should always get what you want and feel comfortable! It is, after all, your baby and not theirs.

 

[calm81]

Thank you, I just brought it up to my husband 10 minutes ago and immediately he took offense. I had to clearly tell him that my family was told the same thing and were very understanding, that was the only reason he calmed down. He always thinks I'm against his family, but I told my mom and siblings a week prior and they were like," cool, call us when you're ready and we'll bring your favorite coffee." No questions asked and he quickly shut up.

I made it clear they all can pop in for a few to peek at the baby but as far as being at our home or being at the hospital for an extended period of time is not what I need after an experience that leaves a toll on my body.

 

[mod19]

I'm so sorry you have overwhelming in laws too! I already told my dh early on that NO ONE besides him is allowed in the room before the baby is born, and a few hours after, and he also took offense. His family stresses me out in normal everyday situations and they will not be making one of the happiest days of my life more stressful than it already will be. He doesn't understand but tough shit. My family doesn't live in the area and will be flying in after she is born, but even if they did live here, they wouldn't show up before the birth, and for all my nieces and nephews game my sisters a good 5 hours with their new child before making their appearance, like it should be! Oh the joys of ridiculous in laws.

 

[Cattia]

I can't actually believe that your MIL brought a friend to your house when you just got home from hospital! I would be livid if that happened to me. She sounds clueless and I think egg people like that you have to just spell it out because they won't get it any other way.

 

[Ashersmomma]

I'm glad it seems you're husband is a bit accepting of your rules. It's your body, and your baby. You set the rules. You know what you can and can't handle.
My DH is the same about his family, thinking I'm always against them. (I have some issues with them, but I try to compromise. If course, they don't.)
I've got to set some rules of my own this week. Baby should be here Wednesday, if she doesn't come sooner, and FIL has decided he is coming to visit the Sunday after(which is the day after we will be released from the hospital) and not only that, he's decided that MIL and BIL need to come then to(live in another town) I'm not happy about it, but I'm not stopping it. But I have made it very clear to DH that I am not socializing. I will be laying in bed. And they have to give DD up if she gets agitated.
My one issue is that FIL likes to show up whenever he wants to, even if he's told us another time. So I'm putting my foot down. We will figure out the time, and either he shows up at that exact time or not at all. I will not let him in my house any other time. And they cannot stay very long. I haven't figured out how long that will be, but I'm thinking 2 hrs max, if not less than that.

 

[Flannz94]

It sucks that you have to go through this! Although I can't believe she had some stranger waiting to meet your baby at your house.. You're definetly not being a brat! This is your baby and your experience!!

I know exactly how you feel tho, it's not so much my inlaws that are 'clingy' it's my SO grandmother. She is so in your face and ugh! You know how old people are with babies. But she insists on holding them 24/7 and she's an unwrappr, you give her a freshly changed nicely wrapped up little bub and sure enough she will quickly unwrap it to check it out! Not to mention she always puts her 2 cents in about everything you're doing. I know she's just trying to help when she does that but it's just annoying, just let me figure it out on my own. She told SO she would be waiting at the hospital while I was in labour and she'd be there to see the baby immediately, he set her straight tho, and said no visitors during labour and no visitors for a couple of hours after. So glad we're on the same page. Luckily everyone else in his family are just lovely and know when enough is enough my SIL also had the same problem with his grandmother, just have to tell her to back off.

Whoa!!. Rant over.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

I would set boundaries if I were you. I did with my in-laws (my parents don't bother anyway.....) and felt bad at first, but as the pregnancy progressed I am glad about my decision. I just want to savour te newborn moment and focus on my family the first few weeks. I told them I don't want baby to get sick. Ha!

 

[SurpriseBub]

Not at all! How they didn't realise some of those things were a bad idea is beyond me...! If i were you, I would do my absolute best to have my husband talk to them. If you can't convince him, then I would talk to them myself and let them know it was too mch last time, and that you would prefer xyz to happen this time.

Easier said than done, but if they have been prewarned, then it shouldn't be a shock if you ask them to do/not do certain things once the baby is born.

Good luck!

 

[calm81]

Such a relief to read I'm in a similar boat as you all and not to feel bratty for my wants and needs.

When my husband was being all "they can come when they want to come, it's their new family member" with his "man pants" on, I stood there with my "over it" pants on and fired right back with "then I won't tell any of you (yes including my husband) when I go into labor and just call my mom." Neaner Neaner He had a shocked look on his face. Of course I would tell my husband when I go into labor so he can watch his daughter being born, I just wanted to show him how serious about the issue I was and to not take it lightly. I. Want. Time. To. Heal. &. To. Bond. With. MY. Baby!

Like another poster said, My in-laws stress me out on a regular basis, I don't want my experienced ruined.

 

[redneckhippy]

My husband felt the same way about how it's their grandchild and we shouldn't be excluding them and it's just as much his kid so he should be able to have his family there, but we are the ones in labor. And I'm sorry, for the grandparents, what's the difference if they see the baby immediately or a few hours later. It's not like the baby is going to change in those first few hours, they can wait.

 

[calm81]

My husband felt the same way about how it's their grandchild and we shouldn't be excluding them and it's just as much his kid so he should be able to have his family there, but we are the ones in labor. And I'm sorry, for the grandparents, It's not like the baby is going to change in those first few hours, they can wait.

EXACTLY!!! You nailed it with "It's not like the baby is going to change in those first few hours, they can wait."

 

[Genevevex]

I think that you are being very reasonable with your wants and needs. You have every right to set limits, especially when they do not seem to understand basic limits in the first place!

Now you've got me thinking of what I need to say/do for when I go into labor. Telling them not to come isn't an option (for in-laws or parents), and is kind of scary; my husband won't be with me in the labor room; just my mom and/or mother in law. Last time shortly after my son's birth the nurses made everyone leave to give me some time until the next day, but I can't guarantee that the nurses at this new hospital will do that. Additionally, we will need someone to watch my toddler at home; I was hoping one of my in-laws would stay at our house to do that. How soon should I wait before introducing the toddler to his new sibling? How long after I get home should I make people leave?

My parents stayed with me for a week after my son was born, and that was TOO much. I'm not sure I would feel that way about my in-laws, though. Ug. So many decisions, so much to think about, and only 3.5 weeks until my due date.

 

[hanni]

You're not being a brat at all.
It irritates me so much when anyone but the babies father thinks they have some god given right to your baby.
I am dreading what my in laws are going to be like! My OH and I were going to get a new sofa 2nd hand and she piped up "I'm not having MY baby sit on someone's dirty 2nd hand sofa, you have to buy a brand new one!"
When my OH swiftly pointed out that he's not HER baby she replied "yes he is! If I hadn't had you you wouldn't be having him so he is mine" 😐

What is it with in laws being bat sh*t crazy?!
I've also found my OH gets very defensive if I ever bring up boundaries with his family. It usually goes down better with him if I start with "You know I love your mam, however..."

 

[Eline]

I think it's very important to get your OH on board with this. Maybe you could have him read some information about the importance of bonding and having enough private time with your newborn? Or ask your midwife (if you see one) to explain this to him if he comes along on the next appointment.

It is absolutely NOT DONE that your mil would be waiting at your house when you take home your baby.

You could also ask the midwifes and nurses in the hospital to keep an eye on things. I've heard from friends that they are mostly very willing to kick out friends and family if you need your rest so you don't have to do this yourself.

 

[greats]

We had these same issues when I was pregnant with my dd. My family was phenomenal, but dh's family (mainly his mom) drove me up a wall! I clearly stated I wanted my mom and dh in the room with me for delivery but his mom took serious offense to that and ruined my birthday by acting like a complete brat a few days before dd was born. Same with visiting, I can't even begin to start with those problems.

Just keep your foot down, YOU are going to be the one in painful labor, YOU are going to be the one pushing a baby out, YOU are the one who needs to recover, and YOU are the person in charge of it all.

 

[lisaalove]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My first both family's were there for my entire labor and birth. I didn't even get to try breastfeeding my son in private because his mother was in the room and said oh its okay you can do it were both girls. I wanted to scream for everyone to just leave me the hell alone but I didn't have a voice back that. So at the beginning of this pregnancy my mother was saying she'll fly up right before I'm due so she can be here for the birth. So I had to explain to her that I didn't want anyone to be in the room except DH and she sounded kind of sad but she understood. I told her I would rather have her here after to help out as much as she can and she sounded completely okay with it I've also told my MIL the same thing and she was perfectly fine with it. DH understood as well so I'm glad I will get the labor/birth I want this time without my mother in my whoha shouting HES GOT YOUR NOSE!!

 

[Mummy to be x]

I've not read all the replies but I can totally relate to this.

I had my baby five days ago now and my Inlaws where at the hospital TWICE in one day, they then came to the house the day I got home. I was furious, they stayed ages and then tried coming the following day too!! I'd just had a c section so couldn't move barely and all I wanted to do was relax at home with my baby

If I was you I would certainly tell them how you feel, next time I have a baby I will be telling them no visiting till we are all settled.