I'm at my breaking point

[Angie.Nic]

This is my first post here. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a little over two and a half years now, and I'm just getting to my breaking point. I've tried reaching out elsewhere before when it had been a year, but I was young and no one took me seriously.

I'm 26 now and I've desperately wanted a baby since I was 20, but we started trying when I was 23 when my husband decided he was finally ready. After a year, we saw an OBGYN. I've had irregular cycles since I was about 16 so I knew we would be facing struggles from the start. In the last few years they've gone from 34-52 days, to between 32 and 170 days long. I've tracked my cycles for as long as I can remember, and I've tried temping but it's all over the place and there's no pattern so I gave up since it was only frustrating. I've done OPK's since the third cycle and the only thing we've learned from them is that when I do get a positive result I get my period a few days to a week later at best. I've known something was wrong for years and so many times I asked my doctor about PCOS but he said no every time and he refused to check again because I didn't have any cysts on the one ultrasound he had done.

When I went to an OB for the first time, she basically told me I have PCOS and to lose weight and come back in 6 months because I was "still young". I scheduled the next appointment, but she rescheduled twice and delayed my appointments by several months each time so I gave up and waited until we moved. I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously.

I saw my new OBGYN just a few weeks ago and he immediately ordered some tests for my husband and I. The SA, the HSG, and a blood test to be done on the third day of my cycle. We missed the blood test because the third day fell on a Sunday and our hospital doesn't do them on Sundays if it's not an emergency, but we got the other two done. He's been really helpful so far and the only thing he said about my weight was that it will make the pregnancy more comfortable and the birth easier mostly due to my asthma, but he's not too concerned about it since I eat well and I'm relatively active. He told me to not worry about charting too much for now and that it's just an added stress at this point in time. He's been so much more helpfu and supportive in one visit than my old one was over the course of an entire year.

We're waiting to hear back about my husband's analysis for now, but my HSG looked good, my tubes weren't blocked or anything, and I was told that I might get pregnant afterwards and that we could start trying again as soon as I felt better. Once he has the results from the other tests he's planning to start us on clomid if we're able to.

My friends don't really understand what I'm going through and we can't really open up to our families about it. I'm just really struggling these days and I feel like we're alone. I'm constantly being told that I should be happy about this or that and I'm finding I just can't be anymore. I have days where I just feel numb to the experience, but lately I've just been depressed over the whole ordeal and after today I just broke down for the first time in a long time. I've been in tears on and off all night since I got home. I'm just so frustrated with it now.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Destiny08]

Hi Angie,
I'm sorry you're struggling I've found these forums to be a huge help and I'm glad you've finally had someone help you!

I'm in a similar boat, except that I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 20 and now have a beautiful 4.5 year old daughter. I'm 25 (26 this year) and also struggled to be taken seriously. The doctors left me struggling for 2 years because I already had a daughter.

PCOS can manifest itself later in some people and only become evident in your 20s, and it seems that's what happened to me. I got pregnant young because the cysts hadnt built up to the point where they were causing problems. My cycles at the time were 28-35 days long but when I got back to TTC when I was 22 they were 19-69 days long as the PCOS had started to become a problem.

So eventually at 2 years they looked more closely and found cysts and put me on metformin. After 9 months of still no luck they upped my dose of metformin and 2 months later I fell pregnant. I find out today if the pregnancy is viable as I've had bleeding but! the point is I did get pregnant

I definitely found the charting stressful, but once your cycles normalise a bit (hopefully with clomid and/or metformin that won't be too long!) I would suggest charting for a couple of months with GOOD ovulation tests (like clearblue) as they helped me figure out what my body does during ovulation - i have a book where i write everything down lol - so now when I ovulate, I don't need the tests, and I make note of it purely to predict when my period is due.

it's difficult when you feel like you have nobody. I know I had friends going 'i know what you're going through' when they had never experienced it (one spent a whole 5 months TTC her first! and fell instantly with the second.) and that just made it worse. Hopefully these forums will give you somewhere to vent and make you feel better about the whole situation.

I'm glad you're finally getting help and I'm sure things will start looking up now that you are! In the meantime, try not to think about it TTC can become a bit of a job if you focus too much of it, and it takes the romance out of BDing! Try to just let the mood take you where it will. You're getting help and until you get those results, there's nothing more you can do to up your chances. So relax (i know - easier said than done!)

 

[Bekah78]

Big hugs. Ttc can be so stressful. I'm sorry you werent taken seriously to start with. I hope your new Oby gets to the bottom of why things aren't working.

I too have PCOS. I also had endometriosis. In the end it was Icsi treatment that worked for us.

Don't give up, these things sometimes take a little longer for some of us.

Really hope you get your BFP soon.

 

[Whimsical88]

Hey angie
Firstly I'm so sorry for all the nonsense you had to go through to get where you are now. It's good that you finally have a good OB. Sometimes when you in your 20's people take baby making a joke(your old ob)....when you get close to 30's then it becomes let's try before its to late....its quite frustrating. The ladies here are helpful and you can share everything with them as there is always someone in the exact position as you. Anyway.....don't stress....let DH results come and then your OB will tell you a way forward

 

[jwilly]

Hi Angie,

Im so sorry that you are feeling alone in this process. I have also felt like I had no one to talk to, as our friends and family are not aware of our fertility struggles, and I find these forums to be a huge help.

I can also relate to not being taken seriously because of your age. My husband and I began ttc when i was 23 (I am now 24). When I try to discuss with my OB, we are told at each time to "wait it out" or "come back in another 6 months". She has done some of the basic tests (and I know we have only been trying for a year), but she has not been very proactive in our search for answers. It is really frustrating, especially when I know deep down that something is wrong.

To make it worse, a lot of our friends are falling pregnant by accident, without trying, or within a few cycles. They really could not understand what we are going through. There are days when I feel very discouraged and alone, but i found chatting to others on here who are going through the same thing is so helpful. I hope it helps you as well

 

[hollylooyah]

Hi Angie,
I'm sorry to hear you're being given such a hard time and being told you're too young. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum with being told I'm 35 and it's more difficult at this age.
You mentioned that you learned from OPKs that once you get a positive, you get your period a few days later. Have you had your progesterone levels checked? Once you ovulate, your progesterone levels are supposed to raise and prevent you from getting your period for at least 10 days if not longer. I'm wondering if your progesterone levels are low. If you were to get pregnant, low progesterone can prevent implantation. Just a thought to bring up to your OBGYN if it hasn't come up before. Good luck with everything!

 

[BrendaJ]

Hi Angie, I had the same issues when I was 20 and I'd get the same reaction when I saw by Gynecologist. However, that's because you should be looking for a infertility specialist. It changed my LIFE and thanks to him a have a precious 4 year old boy! To be more precise I see an infertility endocrinologist, the best ever! Try looking for one near you. Best of Luck!

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Baby dust !! Stay positive

 

[xkatiex]

BEKAH78.. what is ICSI treatment??


Girl its like we have the same life lol. we tried for along time to get pregnant the first time and i switched dr.s and we moved and she finally took me seriously. I have pcos and got pregnant the first time with chlomid, baby asprin, dexamethasone, ovidrel shot, metformin, estridal, and progesterone. it was a long and heartbreaking road...
now we are trying for a second but have moved closer to family and my dr. (the only fertility dr. in 2.5 hours from me) is kinda giving me the run around again. hes had me on femera, metformin, estradol, progesterone, and ovidrel shot since nov. and aren't pregnant....so frustrating...hang in there hun!

 

[Bekah78]

Icsi is a slightly more medically involved form of IVF. Rather than putting the eggs and sperm into a tray and letting the sperm fight it out for themselves, the embryologist will select the sperm they think is the strongest and implant it into the egg.

 

[Angie.Nic]

My OBGYN also specializes in infertility and it's a big focus in their field here so for the time being we're pretty confident with him. At least until we get all of the testing done and we've actually tried some sort of fertility treatment. He will refer us to another specialist if/when we need it, so I'm really not too worried about the care we're receiving now that we have a good doctor.

We actually found out yesterday that my husband has a low sperm count, but our OB wants the test done again just to be sure. Fortunately the motility and everything else looked good.

We're having my hormone levels checked when my period comes back around and I'm hoping it shows things are at least manageable. I've been taking a break from any sort of temp charting and OPK's like he said and I actually do feel a little less stressed out over it.

My friends keep offering me all sorts of success stories to try and make me feel better, but it's just kind of making me feel worse and the fact that it makes me feel bad makes me feel even worse because I know they're only trying to help. I try my best to act like it doesn't make me feel like a failure but I broke down crying when someone brought their newborn into my college cafeteria today and I just had to leave.

 

[Whimsical88]

Feeling that way is normal....We all ttc have that feeling esp when you ltttc and people are sneezing and having babies. This world is so cruel. You hang in there. Let all the tests be done. When you know where you stand it's so much easier to go forward

 

[Angie.Nic]

I've been away for a while because my cat stuck her fat head in a cup that was too small for it and knocked it over onto my computer (a 2000$ custom built PC) and destroyed three components, but I thought I'd stop in before we pick it up tomorrow.

This week has just been awful. On top of my mother in law making comments about how she shouldn't be thinking about children yet, and one of our friends telling us that we should wait as well because oh, we can always just adopt, one of my best friends just announced that she was expecting. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but I just want to cry all the time. I can't even talk to her right now without my voice cracking and I feel like a terrible friend. I am happy for her, but I'm so mad at my own body.

She's already offered to let me "borrow" her child and I'm at the point where comments like that just make me mad. I don't want someone else's kid, I want my own.

I have to spend almost every day with her because we're finishing our last semester of college together (look at that, I've been able to start and finish school in the time I've been trying to get pregnant!) and because we're hairstylists we often even have to see each other on weekends as well due to shows and competitions and fundraisers and it's just too much for me right now.

The adoption comment is really starting to get to me. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it's not a cure for infertility.

I also have depression and have been without my meds since I started trying, and this infertility thing is taking a huge toll on my mental health these days.

I feel like I'm just becoming a bitter old cow.

 

[Whimsical88]

when does your AF start so the testing can begin? i would talk to your doctor as you are really too stresses and that in no way will ever be good for you ttc.
maybe talk to the specialist and see if there is any safe meds you can take for depression because trust me battling to conceive and alredy having depression issues, you will break sooner that you think.
i totally get that there really is not consolation to having your own child and for someone to say you can borrow theres, they are really insensitive and should be told off as they really dont know what a hard road ttc is and how it takes a toll on you and your marriage. not everyone is fortunate to conceive naturally and she should be aware of your feelings

 

[Angie.Nic]

when does your AF start so the testing can begin? i would talk to your doctor as you are really too stresses and that in no way will ever be good for you ttc.
maybe talk to the specialist and see if there is any safe meds you can take for depression because trust me battling to conceive and alredy having depression issues, you will break sooner that you think.
i totally get that there really is not consolation to having your own child and for someone to say you can borrow theres, they are really insensitive and should be told off as they really dont know what a hard road ttc is and how it takes a toll on you and your marriage. not everyone is fortunate to conceive naturally and she should be aware of your feelings

My cycle ranges from 34 days to 170, so I'm not sure when it will start again. We've got most of the testing done, we just have a blood test and another SA to do now. Unfortunately we were only able to find two drugs that helped my depression, and neither of them are safe during pregnancy. Apparently I'm doing considerably well given the circumstances, so my doctor isn't too worried. I probably feel worse off than I really am.

I think she's just trying to relate to me, but it's kind of just like a slap in the face when she says some of the things she does. She's still young (she just turned 21) and very, very religious so she's just generally naive and often doesn't realize what she says can hurt. Fortunately my marriage hasn't suffered any because of it -yet, I'm sure it could in the future- so I guess I've got that going for me. Just hoping my AF comes back around soon, the sooner it comes back the sooner we can figure out the next step.

 

[Whimsical88]

is it possible you may be PCOS? or maybe endometreosis? with that range of cycles, its quite hard to even gauge when you ovulate. when are going to get all results back and possibly a diagnosis?

 

[Angie.Nic]

is it possible you may be PCOS? or maybe endometreosis? with that range of cycles, its quite hard to even gauge when you ovulate. when are going to get all results back and possibly a diagnosis?

I do have PCOS, that was the only thing we found out with the old OBGYN.

We have the results of the other tests, but we'll have the results of the other ones within a couple of days.

 

[Whimsical88]

do you have an appointment already scheduled for when you and the OB discuss your way forward?

 

[Angie.Nic]

do you have an appointment already scheduled for when you and the OB discuss your way forward?

Not yet since we don't know when my next test will be done, but I am to call as soon as AF comes and he will schedule a date for after he gets my results. He's quick to see so it shouldn't take more than a week (which is nice, because I hate having to wait months to see someone).

We've already discussed a few options and he said if my tubes weren't blocked he wanted to start me on a low dose of clomid. I'm not sure if things will change now though, due to my husband's low count.

 

[Whimsical88]

try the clomid and maybe that will help. he may just give you a few things for your DH to take to help for now but quite a few women have had success with clomid in the first few cycles. now the waiting game begins