im hoping some of you can help? UPDATED

[JoJo16]

basically i was fob for about 5 months and then found out i was pregnant and i didnt want to be with him. i left about 6 weeks preg. he went completely mad we always argued and evrything got out of hand. all through my pregnancy he was very threatening towards me and trying to have everything his way. i stopped contact because all we did was argue therefore he didnt come to any hospital appointments or scans and i didnt see him atall.

he would still txt me sayin how he wanted to be involved and would go to court to get custody bla bla bla. i let him no when alice was born and he hen decided he just wanted to see her and wouldnt go to court, so i let him. he then wanted a dna test because apparently me not letting him be involved through pregnancy meant he couldnt have been he dad.

he saw her 3 times before she was a month old and then decided how much i was letting him see her wasnt enough. ( twice a week for an hour) he wasn paying anything for her and refused to. he told me to sort it out and i would have to take him to court to get anything.

today i recieved a letter from his solicitor saying he will pay CM and doesnt want it to go to court. he said he wants to be put on he BC if i pay (lol) or have a parental responsibilty order.he also said he wanted to come a few evenings a week to be involved in alice's routine bathing her feeding her and put her to bed and said he wants alice to go to his on weekends and i can go with her but not be in the same room so he can bond!? and any other time he has her he doesnt want me there. he also wants a copy of her BC so he can open a trust fund, which im already doin and iv told him. so he wont need a copy right? the letter said he wants details of healthvisitors, visits and any information and adivce given.

fair enough he wants to be involved, i was letting him. but alice was only really little and just slept the whole time he was here which obviously he didnt expect. what am i supposed to say back to it. when will he be able to have her on his own and over night. im so worried because hes never looked after any baby ever. i also want her to be christened do i have to let him come? will it look bad on me if i dont. he already told me he wasnt bothered about it and didnt believe in religion and hen changed his mind obviously because his mum told him too.

please help me im so worried and dont no what to do for the best. x


UPDATE -
so i saw my solicitor today and she said what he is wanting is unreasonable. i have offered twice a week for half an hour and he has to go to parenting classes as he has never been around babies and id feel happy knowing he has a lilt eidea of what to do. he is to pay £30 a week cm in cash on the weekend he see's her. it was either this or going through contact centres and id prefer alice to be here and no have to go out all the time.
if he wishes to he can take me to court but my solicitor said it will take about 4 months to even get things sorted because they need to do home visits and stuff. and after all that he still wont get anything more.
it will be reviewed again in 6 months unless he doesnt agree to it. oh and hes not going on the birth cert. so all in all im happy with the outcome but im not sure how hes going to take it but ohwell he is the one who messed about several time. hope your all okk xxx

 

[Moomad]

Hi there,

I don't have much to add I'm afraid, I just wanted to wish you luck and hopefully someone will come along and give you some advice.

I may be in the same situation soon so I'd like to read some advice on this too.

Sorry I can't be much help x x x

 

[lou_w34]

Would you be able to get a solicitor to write a letter back??

If not, this is what i would do, so you dont have to listen if you dont want too lol, some of the things he is demanding are unreasonable in my opinion, so i would tell him to take you to court, call his bluff. Because no judge would ever make you stay over his, and nor would he get overnight access until she is much older.

If he wants to go on the bc and you agree then tell him to pay for it himself. I also would give him the bank details of your trust fund and tell him to put it in there.

As for the christening i would invite him, just so that it does not look bad on you.

But remember even if he does take you to court it will take ages, and he will need some serious money for it, so if he wont even pay to go on the bc, then i cant see him paying for court lol

Hope that helps a bit

xx

 

[lilyd]

Make an appointment with your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will give you some advice or put you in touch with a solicitor that can help. Don't worry too much, just because FOB is telling you what he wants and expects, it doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

His solicitor has probably just requested everything that FOB has asked for - why on earth does FOB or his solicitor think that you would want him over at yours several evenings a week? I know someone who had to go to court to get access to his child and was only awarded 2 hours at a contact centre twice a month (not saying this is right or wrong, but it makes your 2 hours a week seem generous).

Personally, I would not respond until you get some proper legal advice. Good luck.

 

[JoJo16]

hey thanks for your replies.
im going to see my solicitor sometime in the next two weeks to reply to his letter. its not that i dont want him to see her because for alice's sake i no he should be involved its just him expecting to have everything his way! i dont want him coming round here upsetting her routine when he doesnt even know her. he is so controlling! i was thinking should i tell him he can come over twice a week for half an hour or is that a bit mean should it be an hour? when he last saw her the tension in the room was horrible we didnt even speak he was just there staring. ggrr. noway am i going to go round to his house and sit in another room so he can 'bond' with alice.
as for the christening should i just invite him and tell him only he can come because if i let his mum then his dad will obviously come and then his sister and so on. i no hes going to fight when i tell him i have chosen godparents. will he have a say in it? its got so bad i dont even want him around all my family so there not even going to see her christened. i just dont no what to do for the best.
the thing im terrifed about is him just being able to take her on his own to his house i even worry when i leave her with my mum for an hour!
i really dont want him on the bc is that bad? i feel like he doesnt even deseve her and seeing her should be enough. what do you think? x

 

[purpledahlia]

well if you put him on the BC he will get rights and it can make things worse in the long run if he is so controlling. I would try to avoid that till at least he has prooved himself as a father and stuck around.

good luck, let us know what you send back x

 

[kaylynn040485]

Hi there im not a single mummy but just wanted to add if it may be helpful, my fiance had to take his ex to court to get access to his daughter. She had always led him to believe he was on the BC (told him at the time he didnt need to be present to go on and she would sort it) so when they went to court the soliciter got an extract of BC and discovered he wasnt on it. It then got taken straight to signing the parental resposibilities agreement, so he has those rights but is still not on her BC so there really is no need to put him on if he really is that controlling, he can still gain resposibility without. Kx

 

[JoJo16]

will it cost him to take me to court. i dont want him on the birth certificate atall if i can help it because he will have the same rights. but if he cant afford to go to court he wont get the parental responsibilty order can he? il let you no how it goes. im also really worried about if anything happened to me then she would go to him and i live at home with my mum and this is her home and id hate to think she would just get dumped with him. there just so much to think about and sort out and its all so complicated because i dont no wha rights i have n what he can n cant do.
he said to me once il come and see alice and then be requesting a dna test. wtf??? why would he want to see a baby he didnt believe to be his. this is whats hes like he knew for a fact she is but is just trying to make things difficult. how much should i say he can see her? x

 

[kaylynn040485]

well if he genuinely cant afford to take u to court then he may be elidgeble for legal aid, what r his earnings like? If i were u, waith the way he is acting, i would contact the csa, if he denies parentage then they will do a dna test and when it comes back positive im pretty sure he has to pay for it so wont cost u anything. U will get legal aid being off with lo so go see a soliciter asap, they can also sort out a will im sure that if anything were to happen to you your daughter would be cared for by your mum although god forbid something did happen he could still seek custody but do u really think he would want to look after lo 24/7. Kx

 

[JoJo16]

all through my pregnancy he told me he would fight for custody. obviuosly now he has realised that theres noway he could do that. i think he earns around 900 a month. i have seen a solicitor before and do go legal aid so im going to make another appoinment an let him no when he can come and he can take it or leave it. i just dont nderstand why he thinks he has to fight me all the time. hen he turns round and blames it on me that he hasn seen her but thats because he wouldnt pay CM because he had debts. hanks for all your help though. hopefully it will be sorted soon xxx

 

[daniellelk]

hey, my OH is currently fighting for visitation for his daughter, he can only afford to do this because he is getting legal aid, and he is also paying CSA.

Is your OH still living with his parents? If so legal will take there income into account, after bills have been took out there totle income, it has to be below £700 a month (inc his parents income) for him to qualify for legal aide, if he has his own place...the same goes, must be below £700 after bills.

Also if you go to CSA, and he denies paternity, then he will HAVE to pay for the DNA, weather, he pays it straight upfront or "borrows" it off CSA and then pay them back so much a month is up to him, then when the results come back from that he will have to pay you CM, with back payment from when CSA conacted him. x

 

[daniellelk]

Oh only way he can get out of paying for the DNA is if it comes back that he isn't the biological father, other wise he will have to pay, and I believe it's about £245 xx

 

[JoJo16]

yea he does live with his parents. and they deff earm more than that. i thinks he prob will be gettin legal aid through the solicitors. is it different for him going to court. i mean i get legal aid because i have no income but they didnt ask me what my mums was? so how come if he goes to court they take his parents income into consideration?
my solicitors appointment is now 2moz. il let you no how it goes xxx