Im lost

[Beanbabe]

everytime I feel like i'm getting one step forward I end up ten steps back.

I have so many emotions running through me at the mo i dont know what to even write. Havent posted on here in a while cos everytime I logged on I couldnt even be bothered. Now I look at the screen names and nearly all the girls who were here when I joined have moved on to ttcal or even pregnancy after a loss. Why am I still in such a bad place?
I cant sleep properly, having nightmares about Matthew and the labour, snapping at the kids, bloody af is late and fecking me about, hubby on eggshells and on and on and on it goes.

For those of you who dont know my story I lost my little boy on Jan 8th. I was 19 weeks. Matthew was the second baby I lost after having a mc at 9 weeks last march.

Pointless thread really not even sure why Im bothering today but maybe writing it down will help.

 

[NatoPMT]

Im sorry to hear that, im new here so wont be a name you recognise and its all new to me, but couldnt not post

Now I look at the screen names and nearly all the girls who were here when I joined have moved on to ttcal or even pregnancy after a loss. Why am I still in such a bad place?

you have to go through whatever you have to go through, i think i will be moving to TCC very soon because thats the way i have to cope with my loss, and you have to cope with yours how is best for you.

I dont think your thread is pointless at all, youre asking why you are alone in your feelings, but even those who seem to have moved out of this forum might not have moved on from their grief, everyone copes differently i suppose.

you sound like you might be having some post trauma symptoms. If your feelings are being expressed through nightmares, the feelings have to come out - do you have someone to talk to? Have you talked through your experiences with anyone, i assume you have on here? the best way to deal with thoughts that are resurfacing in this way is to get some counselling if poss, were you offered any? did you get any?

If thats not for you, then writing them down can help too, but you have to have an outlet otherwise it might take more time than is necessary to work through the trauma - sorry if im going over old ground for you, but as i dont know your story im working a bit blind.

you need your sleep and you need some respite, whats your instinct about getting that respite, what do you think you might need, other than time? The fact youve posted again shows you are reaching out and thats good

x

 

[Sydd]

I'm so sorry for your losses hun...
You can only cope in your own time.. Hopefully your hubby understands why you're like this...
Maybe try talking to someone to help comb out all the emotions instead of them all being jumbled... Don't wanna offend you at all but might be an idea.
x

 

[whyme]

Hi Beanbabe, I think we posted few weeks back about the things "psychic" kids say.....

I am so sorry for your loss. I am now six weeks on from mine and currently having a low time when I was feeling alot more positive, . My loss was hard, but at nineteen weeks, well that really is Sh*t! You poor girl. When you think about it though, it is still early days - was only January and they say the one thing no mother should have to endure is losing her child - the most painful thing, and I know all bereavements are hard.

I am not in any way comparing pain, but regarding OH walking on eggshells I can relate to that- he only hugged me the other night and I burst into tears and had to go downstairs, make a cup of tea! I think, he is also bearing the brunt of my low mood, especially after holding it together in public/work which i know is really bad, I am very snappy with him. I try not to get upset in front of my DS (3 yrs) - yesterday, i was low and read something on here which made me cry - he saw me - came up - gave me a hug and said "don't be sad mummy - i am here for you"- I cried even more bless him, he has been more help than he will ever know.

There s nothing I can say that can help/take your pain away - I guess time is a good healer ( how long - I have no idea) , but there is nothing wrong with venting on here - better to write it down than bottle it all up inside. xx

Regarding moving forums - I don't know where i belong right now. I have had AF, was all set for TTC again, but am sooo scared, and really can't be doing with OPKs etc, anything that will give me something to obsess about and I don't want to go down the route of getting upset every month if AF arrives ( I never used them before), I think it will be a case of taking a leap of faith, not preventing, but not obsessing either ( she says!!). I did dip into the TTC forums, but then see posts about repeat miscarriages etc and scares me witless.

 

[Beanbabe]

thanks girls. i just reread my post and I want to say i in no way think that those girls who have moved on to other sections are "cured" (for want of a better phrase) Im sure they still pop in here from time to time and Im positively sure that they are still grieving for their babies. Just wanted to clarify that in case I offended someone.

Today has been particularly tough. The dreams last night were really really horrible and have left me traumatised (maybe that sounds dramatic but its true).

I have follow up apt next week after which I will prob be allowed to ttc again. Im in a safe place now that "i'm not allowed to try". Not sure that I want to try again but I am also desperate to be pregnant. This has been so hard that I dont know if i could cope with another mc. I'm defo not emotionally ready to make that decision now and dont want my security blanket taken away.

I have become obsessed with finding a reason for Matthew's death. He was perfect at his 12 week scan. I spend hours on the net now trying to find a reason. we didnt have a post mortom done and although I was happy with that decision at the time now I crave a reason. Knowing that I will never really know is breaking me.

 

[whyme]

Thank you! - I think you have just hit the nail on the head as to why I feel so low - the security blanket has been taken away. It was all theoretical before, have time out, wait for first AF, then TTC again, lets be all positive blah blah blah. Well, AF has been and gone - wanted it, but that also just hammered home the loss, and the fact I am not pregnant anymore. Now, as they say, I am free to start again- but I can't!! I am so terrified of it happening again, not getting preg in the first place and so on - PMA seems to have done a runner!!! I so want another baby, please can I be "fastforwarded" a healthy nine months

 

[NatoPMT]

Beany, i think i have been traumatised and i havent even had my op yet, trauma is very common and very ignored by our health system, so i dont think you are being dramatical at all. I really dont. Youve had a horrible horrible experience

i also get what you are saying about it being safe at the mo as you arent allowed to try, i also am scared to try, but then i know i will as soon as its possible, but this experience has left me with anxieties i didnt know existed.

This has been so hard that I dont know if i could cope with another mc. I'm defo not emotionally ready to make that decision now and dont want my security blanket taken away.

Your feelings might be bubbling up at the mo cos you know the decision is imminent. Next week's app is like a deadline coming up for decisions. You dont have to do anything, but i do think that your anxiety is very very real, and deserves recognition. That said, it shouldnt have the ability to control your emotions or your decisions. You run your life, these experiences are part of you, but they arent you

The reason for losing Matthew might have been explained, it might not, but needing to know the reason and not having the ability to find out could be a way of your mind creating a dead end as a defense mechanism. If you cant find out, its now 'safe' to crave finding out, and its a safe place to put your obsession as theres now nothing you can do.

The fact is, all you can do if you decide to TCC after next weeks app is do everything right - even if you knew, youd still be doing that. You could demand 5mg of folate (linked to downs and other probs now, as well as NTD), but i have also been reading about 75mg of aspirin for both clotting probs and unexplained m/cs. You can only do your best, and even if you knew, you can still only do your best.

much love x

 

[Beanbabe]

NatoPMT took your advice. OH asked earlier "whats wrong". Wrote him 3 and half a4 pages. Wasnt finished at that but happy reading hubby. Doesnt even matter if he doesnt read it cos now i know how i feel.

Everything was such a blur I could not even say how I felt. I just wrote whatever came into my head and now I can read it back to myself. It really helped me through this evening. Hoping for a brighter day 2moro. Thanks girls for all your replies.