I'm new on here and would like to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello everyone

We lost out baby on Friday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm on Friday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family. We have two boys aged 4 and 6 - had no problems with either of these pregnancies.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

 

[forgodssake]

Didnt wanna read and run but really dont know what to say - am thinking of you and sending

 

[hopes-up-sd]

So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

 

[babesx3]

Massive
so sorry you lost your little one....
I lost my baby 7 weeks ago.... for me i found out my baby had died at a routine appointment when they couldn't find HB. so i had a couple of days to research what happens and so was preppared to see my baby once i had delivered. The hospital did say to me theytake pictures of your baby and keep them on file in case u change your mind about seeing your baby. i don't know if your hospital do this , but if u change your mind?
I know its so hard at the moment and grief is so strong..... we have had our baby cremated , had a small service and planted a tree for him. I've found it incredably comforting to have done something for him....
Maybe u could plant a tree, or plant a flower for your baby to remember him?

the first couple of weeks are so hard especially when you have other kids that u have to be strong for.....

we are here if u need to talk XXX

big hugs!!!
7 weeks on i am finding it easier to deal with, i still miss him desperatly but he has his place in my heart now..
Be gentle on yourself , its a huge ordeal u have been thru XX

 

[kanga]

very sorry for your loss x

I havent had a 2nd tri loss but I have had 2 mcs, and can relate to being completely calm at the time of it all happening. And then it hits you like a brick a few days later when the shock has worn off.

It's all part of the grieving process, I wish you all the best x

 

[iloveblue]

Thanks for the support *hopes* and *forgodssake* - it really does help writing it all down.

So sorry for your loss also *kanga*.

*babesx3*- I'm so sorry you have gone through this too. The hospital did take photos and they will be in my notes so we do have the option to access them if we want to. They did a set of hand and foot prints which we were'nt ready to take on Friday but are there for us also when we want them. Planting a tree/flower is a lovely idea - I think we will definitely do that. Am also going to put together a little keepsake box with scan pic and a bootie I had made (hadn't got round to making the 2nd one) plus a few other little reminders.

I am feeling a bit better today - more positive. I felt awful yesterday - very down and hopeless and just like I was going through the motions. I was also finding it hard to be around my boys.

I still havn't had any milk coming through yet - does it always happen?

*babesx3* will you be TTC again soon or are you going to leave it for a while?

 

[babesx3]

Its lovely having a keepsake box. we were given one at the hospital, i've put his cards, scan piccys , footprints etc etc in it. and his pictures, i look at them from time to time when i want to be close to him.....
I cried a lot during the first 2 weeks especially and then gradually less. although i cried every day for almost 7 weeks till his funeral and then it seemed to calm down..almost like as he was at rest i felt better...
we had a post mortem done on charlie as i wanted to know what happened, that took 6 weeks to come back... di u decide on one?
We have started to TTc now. the results from PM showed no reason for his death, which was hard to take on board but it means no reason not to TTC. i don't think i ovulated this month though.. so it may take a while to get back to normal. i bled for the first 3 weeks anyway, then a week off then got AF which stated with3 days of spotting then 5 days bleeed then spotting. so was longer than my usual..
do u plan on TTC? i guess its still very early days. i remember being desperate to be pregnant again after i lost charlie , i just felt so empty. i'm a bit more at ease now, and whilst iwant to be pregnant again i'm trying to trust in mhy body to get pregnant when its ready...
Just take each day as it comes... the first days are soo hard , its such a massive blow... i know i just felt utterly gutted.. i still am , think it just gets easier to deal with...
the hospital gave me tablets to stop milk from coming in, so not sure. it may not
take care

 

[cla]

hun iam so sorry hunxxxxx

 

[charmed]

im so sorry for you loss and hope you can heal and be at rest, you sound like a great mum and very strong i was and still am a mess 1year after loss my beany xxxx

 

[janie0]

So sorry for all you've been through xo

We have similar stories & I also have a 6 yr old boy. PM me if you'd like to talk. Take care.

 

[zimmy]

 

[dizzy65]

so sorry for your loss

 

[iloveblue]

Thanks for all the messages of support. It really means a lot.
Would like to hear your story Janie - not sure how to PM people though.

I am still very up and down at the moment. Felt quite postive yesterday but am feeling very low today.
I still havn't had any milk coming in, and am kind of assuming that it won't now.

The midwife popped round earlier with an envelope with photos of the baby and it's hand/foot prints.
Can't bring myself to look at them yet - have put them away for now.

 

[babesx3]

you look at them when you are ready!!
Its really good of them to bring them for you !

 

[v2007]

I'm so sorry

V xxx

 

[iloveblue]

Thanks v2007

I still havn't looked at them yet - am feeling much stronger today and don't want to bring myself back down.
I know there is no rush and will wait until the time is right.

I was also impressed that the midwife bought them round for me - everyone I've dealt with during this sad time(apart from GP yesterday who wasn't particularly sympathetic) have been absolutely brilliant - the midwives at the hospital were all lovely.

 

[twinklestar]

im sorry

sweet dreams little angel

 

[Laura2919]

sorry for your loss. I couldnt begin to imagine what it must be like.. take care, sweet dreams to your angel

 

[Nosy_Cow]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Clo]

*hugs hun* so sorry for your loss xxx