I'm trying to remember...

[tcinks]

...what it felt like during my first pregnancy...the excitement and joy and hopefulness. Did the thought of miscarriage ever cross my mind? Sure, but as a passing thought, something that COULD happen to SOMEONE but not to ME. I wasn't worried or anxious, actually those first few weeks just flew by! It seemed like I was at 12 weeks in no time. And from there it went downhill.

Now in my 4th pregnancy with no living children, it's nothing but anxiety and not wanting to get too attached. Thinking in terms of IF this baby comes home, instead of WHEN. Each day just drags on and on. I just wish I could have that carefree, excited outlook again.

Anyone else feel like this?

 

[busytulip]

I cant even imagine hun, just wanted to offer congrats and prayers that you'll soon be holding a very healthy little rainbow in your arms.

 

[tcinks]

Thank you!!

 

[ReadynWaiting]

I def understand how you are feeling. After so many losses I don't allow myself to connect even though I try to make myself. I do try to talk to every baby as soon as I get that bfp but the fear is crushing. I just got a bfp this am and my instant reaction is panic. Knowing how the devastation feels more so than the happiness. It's too much to handle sometimes.
I do have a great support system outside of my family which helps. I go to a pg loss Support group every other week and it helps immensely. I have everything crossed for you that this is your rainbow and that you see the light at the end of this journey.

 

[mrs unicorn]

Yes, both DH and I felt exactly like that for a good while. I think it's totally normal, sad but expected. DH used to get angry that our loss was affecting how we felt about this baby but neither of us could help it. I on the other hand felt that the innocence about pregnancy and faith that I had in my body and 'everything will be ok' that most people have was completely gone. I didn't trust in anything. We had 5 scans during the first tri and with each one we grew in confidence. Once we got past the 12 weeks scan we then started to feel very different. I really hope this is your sticky forever bean. Things will get easier as time passes, as you pass YOUR milestones whatever they are, and soon you'll start to feel that joy and excitement again. Xxx

 

[klabro]

Hi tcinks. I remember talking to you after you delivered your little girl, I believe I had just delivered the twins too. It's hard. My pregnancy with my DD was so innocent and exciting. I never wondered about what could go wrong, I just went through excited for the whole thing. Now I dread each weekly cervical check because I'm afraid that is the week that something is wrong. How are you being treated this time? Progesterone and cerclage or just progesterone? Those weekly appointments will help you push through the weeks a little easier. If you make short term goals it makes it easier. My first goal was 16 weeks, now 20, then 24, 28 etc. Try to stay off of google as much as you can, it always ends up giving me more anxiety. Most importantly, just reach out for support when you need it.

 

[tcinks]

Thanks ladies. You're all so right...but the fact of the matter is that I'm never going to have that carefree, completely over the moon feeling about pregnancy again. And I'm just sad about that. :/ I'm sure at some point I will relax a little, but there will always be some anxiety.

Klabro, I am not on progesterone suppositories because this office I'm with now doesn't really use them. But I will likely get the shots starting around 16 weeks. And I should get my cerclage at 13. I don't have my first appointment until November 2, at 8 weeks. I usually am seen at 6, so I'm getting anxious!

 

[klabro]

I don't have suppositories either, only shots. I started them at 16 weeks too. I wasn't seen until almost 10 weeks for the first time with this pregnancy! I did have an ultrasound at 6 weeks just to get measurements but I didn't get any information about treatment until 10 weeks. I understand what you mean about never relaxing....I think I might feel relaxed when I bring a baby home with me.

 

[Uni tsi]

I know exactly what you mean. At first, it just got harder and harder every day. I never wanted to get my hopes up. I actually expected the worst, just so I wouldn't be disappointed. Near the end of the pregnancy, it got easier to enjoy being pregnant just for what it was, as a thing in itself that didn't imply anything would happen. After a while, day to day it got easier to deal with the anxiety, but whenever I would do something that acknowledged I might have a baby soon like work on the nursery, I'd have panic attacks.

It does get easier though, I want you to know. Although the innocence never comes back, I think the hormonal changes make it easier to deal with the stress as the pregnancy moves along. Or maybe I just got used to feeling anxious all the time, I don't know. To be honest, I still feel like I can't let my guard down at all or she'll slip away.