In laws

[luca123]

I saw my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL) yesterday for the first time since my miscarriage 2 weeks ago - and not one of them said a word or asked me how I was - I couldn't believe it. It was as if nothing had ever happened and I was expected to carry on a normal.

I spoke to my MIL the day after it happened on the phone and she was quite sympathetic. But now it seems as if it is all so trivial it is not even worth mentioning. I am really in shock and don't know what to think!

I haven't stopped crying since I got back home. I was really expecting lots of support from them - but haven't had any.

The most support I have had is from a girl at work who I hardly knew before this happened but she found me crying in the toilets!!

I can't belive that I have got more support from strangers than from family- has anyone else experienced anything similar? I always thought I had a good relationship with my in-laws but now I feel like I never want to see them again. Am I just over reacting?

 

[dreamer]

Please please explain to them how you feel. I am at the other end of the table, it has not happened to me before but my SIL who was 3 weeks ahead had a MC the day we announced I was expecting, at the time we didn't even know she was pregnant

SIL was acting weird towards us for a few days and when DH confronted her about it she then told us what she was going through, we were very sympathetic and felt awful about my whole announcement etc.

I have seen her since but didn't mention the MC as another friend had lost hers and from that experience I learnt not to keep bringing it up and constantly asking as she wanted to try and move on. This is the sole reason i didn't bring it up as never once did SIL ask about my pregnancy so I took that as she didn't want to talk baby, which I completely understand. I dont want her to feel as though I'm reminding her of things.

If you want to talk about it with the in-laws as hard as it maybe please bring up the subject and talk openly to them about it

 

[gnomette]

hay! there are no good reason as to why people ignor whats happened or just say something hurtful! and sometimes its people who have nothing to do with whats going on that give the best advice cause emotions dont run as high! things wont seem so bad soon take care lovey

 

[Omi]

I honestly dont always think its a case of ignoring it hun..having said that maybe your in laws did. But in my case it was exactly the same. I was at xmas dinner and my mil asked something about going for a xmas meal at work..having been told 2 weeks before that i mc and was off work getting a d&c..i just said no, as i was off work. I dont feel too bad about it tbh. Most people dont really know what to say..its such a terribly sad topic and there's not much most people can an offer but a sorry and a hug, if that. Having said that...most of us would like that at least that, eh? For this terrible thing to be aknowledged.

But hey, thats the way it swings and as much as it hurts i think this is one memory that probably only you and your oh will keep with you forever in your hearts. Im sorry this upset you and i can see why..if you need support and someone to talk to about it (apart from us) find someone who is understanding and sensitive to your feelings..its good to be able to talk about it sometimes, to aknowledge it out loud, you know. This happened, it was real and im upset about it.

I hope you feel better soon, and im sorry you had to go through it.

All the best, chicken!

 

[Lazy Leo]

I'd be inclined to agree with the others having been through this as well. People often don't know what to do for the best, if they raise the subject and you get upset they feel bad, if they don't say anything and you feel ignored and they find out they'll be upset too.

When I told my mum she held me and told me there must have been a reason etc etc and tried to make things rational for me. When I told my gran she burst into tears. When I told my mum my gran's reaction, she apologised to me and said she hoped i didn't think badly of her because she didn't react that way.

I truly hope it's not being 'ignored' and treated as something trivial honey, because this is one of the most devasting things we can go through (I think) unfortunately I just don't think people know what to say.

Sending you huge and hoping you do manage to find people who can give you the support you need. We are always here but I know cyber world isn't quite the same as real world

 

[gemsio]

it was exactly the same for me honey.
my MIL spent half an hour going on about how she was so upset she wasnt going to be a grandma and didn't once ask me how i was feeling.
i have found total strangers have been more support than my own family.my best friend has text me once since my miscarriage which was on xmas day- and i was so mad with her, then i thought maybe she just doesn't know what to say. that could be it honey, maybe they just don;t know what to say and think you want to carry on as normal.
i'm so sorry for your loss, i know exactly how you feel. xxxx

 

[Jessa]

Sometimes I think that people, even those who are closest to us, don't know what to say. So, instead of saying something they think they might regret later, they just simply don't say anything at all. After the hurt has worn off a bit, if you feel comfortable, talk to your in-laws about how this made you feel. That should hopefully help in situations of grief in the future.