In Laws

[StorkStalker]

Hi..
This is a venting thread.. because I really need to blow some steam right now.. As some of you may already now (from other posts) at the beginning of our TTC we merrily told practically anyone who asked when we were going to have babies **big mistake** Any how... Long road until here, 4 years and so later... My mom and dad are supportive/awkward about the topic, if I bring it up they give support, but if I don´t they don´t even mention it... Which is maybe just what we need...
Ok, so now the other side of the story is my inlaws... As it happens I can say I have to Mothers in Law, since my MIL was a single mom and her mom helped raise DH... So of course GrandmaIL thinks of herself as a mother too, in every behalf.. Both are very opinionated persons, and since DH was the only son they feel they have the right to own him and me by extent.. So, to make a long story short, they are less than crazy about me.. They have always said remarks and nasty comments, which DH always disregarded as: You misinterpreted, you always try to tweak their words into something bad, etc.. For the first years of our marriage.. Luckily, we live in a different country and only saw them on holidays... I have not seen them in person since we lost our baby... Mainly because in my mind my MIL could be the reason I MC.. (I know it is a mean thing to say, but I feel this way) We where at their home when we announced it (1 week late etc) and I had a horrible horrible cold, and she was pushing that I took some medicine and or some hard liquor to get better.. We had to confess as to the reason since she ket pushing it... Then she brought me a effervescent pill which she told me was panadol, and was perfectly safe during pregnancy, I googled it and panadol seemed fine, it had taken us more than a year to get pregnant so I was super paranoid... I didn´t want to drink that even though paracetamol (panadol´s active ingredient) was safe.. But she followed me around telling me I was doing worse to my baby by sneezing and coughing so much.. So I drank half of it.. I then had a long nap, and woke up feeling extremely thirsty, so I went down for water... I saw a box of effervescent pills and to my surprise it was not Panadol, it was a full set of anti cold medicines, with lots and lots of ingredients other than plain paracetamol... I wanted to kill her... I told DH and he was mad, we called a doctor and he told us it was not a big deal, to relax, MIL said she thought trully it was just paracetamol.. Ok so we went back home and to the doctor and of course my first question was what could happen with what I had been given, he said nothing, it was half of a small dose one time.. But I loathed her for doing that.. anyway everything went on being fine, and at 10 weeks I mc.. I can not help but think it was that, even though I have been plenty reassured it is a very long leap... But, who gives a pregnant woman something and lies about its contents?? I know I should´ve said no no but I was shy and stupid to try to be on her good side, and she said Don´t you trust me? Like 10 times, I felt awkward and gave in, stupid now I know better... I have always been a person you can manipulate with guilt... Now I would probably slap her.. 3 years later I don´t know what made me give in... DH was out in the garden at the time (as always she choses when DH is not on sight to push me around)... Then, weeks later when we lost the baby, DH called to tell her, and she was on speaker, and first thing she said is: What did she do wrong!! DH cut the speaker and told her off.. but still, he has a soft spot for mommy since "she quit her life for giving him one" (she told her that so many times in his life he repeats it like a robot)...
So, sorry for the long post, that´s a little bit of background.. So, this summer we changed countries, and I went home to see my parents for some days while DH was settling in here on the new job, etc.. On the weekend he went to see his mom and grandmom and Stepfather... On those 3 days my MIL managed to get out of her chest everything she had been feeling... among many other things she told him she didn´t support our "experiments" (IUI, possibility of IVF) since they were unnatural and wrong.. and that he should think over being with me since I am a useless woman who can´t give him kids... There was a whole blow off in the household, and DH told me everything when I came back... since I was going to find out eventually that he and his mother where not talking, and GrandmaIL is a tell tale... That was it for me I called it quits with them for real... But on Christmas time (there goes the guilt) I told DH maybe he should call them (we spent Xmas with my parents and sister) just to check in on his grandma and say happy holidays (grandma is 92 so I worry).. He did and my MIL was happy as a child, as if nothing had ever happened, and asked him where he was and when he was going to visit, etc.. They hanged up quickly since I was obvioulsy pissed and DH was confused and scared of me, since I was the one who suggested he called... So, this woman has no regrets whatsoever, or feeling of having done/said anything wrong... DH doesn´t know what to do, he says he is trying to do right and stand up for me by not talking to her, and that nothing pleases me.. At least he has now realized that his mother is mean to me, and not just a product of my imagination... He asked what needed to happen for us to let this go, since he says his mother is bad tempered and half the time she says things when she is mad and doesn´t remember later, that´s why she acted as if nothing had happen because she didn´t mean it and we should be over what she said already... I told him she could begin by apologizing and then we´d talk.. he said then he wouldn´t see his mother ever again because his mother has not once apologized to anyone... I told him so be it.. ..but I feel bad.. But I would feel worse if we let all of this go... I know this all seems childish, but I am really hurt, and with all the LTTTC and her insensitivity and carelessness I think I really have the right to be over the top mad at this woman... But I give myself guilt trips over the fact that DH is an only child, and if I were a mom ever, I would suffer not to talk to my child.. But of course, if I were a mom, I would respect my kid and his/her partner and be kind and not mean... and reach out, which she doesn´t.. I just want to stop having mild discussions with DH over the topic of his mom... it weirds and wears me out.. I know he is a momma´s boy (Grown Adult I would say)... He is not asking for permission to reconnect, he knows better than to even suggest it.. But I can see he is hurt... And I dare that all of this will come and haunt me someday, if GrandmaIL passes, or if MIL gets sick or anything like that.. DH after all is their only blood relative... Oh dear... Thanks for reading.. I just needed to put this out there somehow... I haven't told anyone else since it embarrasses me and gives me low esteem to repeat her words, and actions towards me to anyone... And I think only LTTCs would understand why I am so sensitive on everything and anything gets to my nerves...
Any input and comments as to how to deal with this would be deeply appreciated, Thank you big hug to all..

 

[purplesparkle]

first of all just want to say sorry for your loss. mil are annoying aren't they, they wouldn't treat their own kids like this i think you need to give it time for things to calm down a bit know its hard. your OH needs to speak to his mum again and stick up for you and try and get her to apologise to you. if he wants to speak to his family i think you should let him as he may resent you later. but think you should stay away from mil as shes not helping your situation.

hope that helps a little
hope that helps

 

[phoenixrose]

Wow! That's awful! And what an awful person! My mom always warned me of how mothers can be with their sons, but that one takes the cake. I honestly don't know what to say to that in terms of advice. I actually have a similar situation but opposite. Nothing to do with fertility issues but I don't talk to my own mother and my MIL is great, like I always wanted my real mom to be. My DH never liked my my mom but he was supportive of whether or not I spoke to her or saw her. Then almost 2 years ago I decided enough was enough and I was tired of being treated like shit. I was like "why am I 26 years old and calling my DH at work because my mom is still making me cry like a blithering idiot?" DH has been supportive and never once said I should talk to her. Just now I've decdied to talk to my dad and he's supportive of that to and just tries to offer constructive advice. I know it's not the same situation but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the crappy parent situation. The only problem I see is if DH ends up resenting you if he wants to speak to them but you won't let him. But then again I am a firm believer in "people treat you how you let them treat you." Best of luck and lots of hugs

 

[Princess Lou]

I can understand where you are coming from with your MIL, mine is pretty much the same. You're right in the respect that you need to distance yourself from them if they are hurting you, and now that your hubby can see it, it will be easier to do that.

However, I strongly believe that you should encourage your hubby to speak to his family. It's not fair on him if he has to chose between those who raised him and you. I insist that my hubby speaks to his Mum and sees her regularly. I lost my Mum when I was 22 and it kills me not being able to speak with her whenever I want, I don't want that for my hubby and it would be even worse as she is alive and it would be through choice.

Stopping him from associating with her will, eventually, cause problems between the two of you and it is also giving her more ammunition against you when he does finally speak to her.

I'm not for one second suggesting that you have her round for Sunday Roast, you have to do what is right for you with her and if distancing yourself is the right thing the so be it. She has clearly caused you pain and nobody should be in a position where they feel compelled to do something that they feel is wrong or simply don't want to.

My hubby and his MIL have the agreement that they do not speak about me other than to inquire about general health, anything to do with TTC is completely out off the question.

Another thing you are going to have to consider is when you have a child, they are going to want access and have every right to demand it too.

I'm sorry if anyone disagrees with me but that is simply my opinion.

 

[wonderstars]

Wow, that sounds like an awful and ignorant MIL. Yeesh. It seems like your husband is at least aware of the issue now so hopefully he keeps that in mind every time he talks to them. I had to tell my husband (also a momma's boy) that there is to be no discussion about kids, with OR without me. That is a forbidden topic. This way, no one really knows what's going on but that something isn't quite right.

I agree with Princess Lou, he should still talk to his family and it seems like that's something you definitely want. Maybe he'll be agreeable to telling him mom that kid discussions are off the table and will only be discussed amongst the two of you?

 

[StorkStalker]

Hi Ladies, and thankyou for reading and your advice.. Purplesparkle, you are so right, MILs are tough to deal with!! On top of everything!! PhoenixRose, thankyou for sharing, I can relate to what you are going through with your mom, it's so great that your DH is that supportive.. I'm just getting mine to understand why my MIL is toxic for me.. You are so right, people treat us as we let them, my MIL was bullying me for very long, but now I am not letting her near so the toxicity has receased.. Princess Lou, thank you, it is very hard to but I think I will try and make a similar agreement with my husband, where neither me or our TTC status are part of the conversations with his mom.. But I do feel I will feel better if they talk, because right now I feel guilty, even if she brought it on herself.. Wonderstars.. she is blissfully ignorant on infertility, either I am a baby making machine or I'm broken.. so there I stand.. But he is her son indeed and I don't want DH resenting me on the long road about this.. He has been with me through a lot, I don't want him losing his only family about this too... Thank you very much to all of you, for reading, sharing and giving me helpful advice... Big hug to all