In Need of Some Advice

[aidensxmomma]

I have two kids (and and angel baby) with my (ex) husband. We are still technically married, although we have been physically separated for almost two years. I left (with the kids) in July 2012. I haven't filed for divorce yet because up until recently, I couldn't afford it and wasn't able to get to the place where I'll need to go to court and everything. I will be filing soon.

In September of 2012, FOB gave me money for their school supplies ($50). Since then, I have recieved absolutely zero financial assistance from him, despite the fact that he has a relatively well-paying job and I was unemployed and living with my mom for a while.

The last time he saw the kids was the first or second week of February of this year. The only reason he even came to see them was because I called him, arranged the trip, picked him up, and brought him back to his place. Before that, he saw them around Christmas. Prior to that, the last time he saw them was October 2013.

He never calls them or sends them letters or cards. My son used to send him pictures and schoolwork he did, but FOB never responded. Never sent anything back, never called. Nothing.

My kids are currently staying with my mother - FOB lives 2 hrs away and I live 1 1/2 hours away. (I am working full-time in the city and saving up for a place to get with the kids after they complete this school year). I call them as often as I can, I come see them at least every other weekend (I try to more often, though). I send them cards and letters all the time telling them I'm thinking of them. If I don't get to talk to them directly, I call my mom or grandma and find out everything that they've been doing and everything that's going on with them so I can stay updated. I make calls 5 days a week just to talk to them or check up on them. I hate that I'm away from them and I take every opportunity I have to be in contact with them and let them know that I'm thinking of them. And as far as anyone can tell, they don't question that I love them and want to be with them, they know what's going on and that mommy is working in the city to make a life for us.

FOB never calls or has any idea what's going on in their lives. His parents take them quite frequently (they live close to my mom) and he didn't have a clue until I told him.

On top of that, he plays daddy to his roomates' little girl.

I don't know what else to do. Any effort he's put in in the last two years has been because I made him or planned everything out for him so that all he had to do was show up. I am sick and tired of babysitting him so that he sees the kids. And I just don't understand...when he's with them, he's a great dad. But if he's not with them, he could care less. I am at the end of my rope with him.

He doesn't have a vehicle right now, so I can somewhat understand why he wouldn't be able to come up. But how hard is it to make a phone call? I know his work schedule, he has the time. So I don't understand. Why he wouldn't do everything he possibly could to keep up with them and keep in contact with them blows my mind. Especially considering our youngest daughter died...wouldn't that make you realize that anything could happen and that you would want to spend all the time you possibly could with your kids because sometimes your time with them can be cut short?

In March 2013 we went to court for child support/custody and we were given joint custody and joint placement. The kids are supposed to be with him half of the time and with me the other half. That's impossible since we don't live near each other. I wasn't thinking when we went through this and I do plan on changing the placement order as soon as I have a place and the kids are back with me.

But I am sick of forcing him to be there for the kids. I don't want them any more hurt by him not giving an effort than they already have been. So I am thinking of filing for full custody and placement. I feel that he shouldn't have any right to deciding anything about them if he doesn't give a shit about them and make an effort to be there for them. I have never kept them from him and would still allow him to have visitation with him, but I don't feel he deserves to have any other rights.

My son's birthday is coming up and if he doesn't call him or send him a card or something, I'm going to lose my mind.

As a final thought, he is also facing two charges of battery-domestic abuse (against me) and a charge of bail-jumping, which he has court for at the end of the month. If I decide to go after full custody, should I wait until after that to file?

I am really sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get this all of my chest. I would really appreciate some input on this situation. Maybe I'm just too involved and not thinking clearly. If you made it through this, I applaud you.

 

[daneuse27]

It must be so difficult to be away from your kids, I can't imagine what you're going through I'm glad though that you have so much support from your mom and his parents.

If he's not making any effort and this has been going on for a while, I would stop trying. The false hope on their part must be so confusing. There's no point having split custody if he doesn't bother.

 

[messica]

I too would stop trying to force the issue of him seeing them. You can't make a father be a parent, and at the end of the day it's just going to stress you and your children more than it's worth. Why would you want him in their lives if he doesn't *want* to be there? Yes it hurts, but the repeated rejection, when you bring him in only to have him disappear again will hurt them far faaaar more in the long run.

Let him walk and find someone someday who will make them a priority just like you do.

Legal aid should be able to help you with sorting out ordered support and how and when to file for divorce. I'm just a hop skip away in MN and when I separated from my ex-husband I had been a stay at home mom the duration of our marriage. I had two young children, didn't have a penny to my name and I quickly found out that all of our bills were in default (including the mortgage). Still, I was able to file for the divorce (you do not need representation). They mailed him the paperwork, he had 30 days to respond, and then they scheduled a court hearing to finalize everything he and I asked for. The judge ordered custody, child support (I didn't ask for alimony), and divided our assets.

Like I said, if I were you I'd contact legal aid. They can help you fill out the paperwork and walk you through how easy it really is. I want to say the filing fee was less than $200 and it was the only expense I had in the entire process. You won't have to deal with him directly beyond that. Set up with child support enforcement to have his payments forwarded to you via third party and other than that, cut ties with the jerk.

It's not a matter of if you should file for full custody, you ABSOLUTELY should if he has a record of domestic violence.


It's scary to make those first steps but once you get to the other side of it you'll wonder why you ever waited so long to move on.