in need of some support

[disneybelle25]

Hey there
My lo is nearly 2 weeks and I am feeling so guilty and like I'm a failure because I've had to pretty much ff since the beginning and could really use some words of support.
I was induced early (at 38+4) due to signs of pre-eclampsia and lo finally arrived at 39 weeks after a 19 hour intense labour that ended up with a forceps delivery - it was a horrendous experience and truely has put me off having any more children for quite a long time. Sam was born weighing 5lb 12oz which I know isn't tiny but still quite small. They tried to latch him on immediately and he just fell asleep. We managed to express the colostrum throughout the day but every time we latched him on he either screamed or fell asleep, I think the trauma of the birth tired the poor little boy out. All in all I had 8 midwives try and help me with bfing and all failed to get him to latch on properly and take anything.
After 24 hours and no sleep for 3 days I couldn't bear to hear him scream anymore ( I can now say he was screaming with pain because since giving him formula I haven't heard the noise) and I asked for the hospital to give me some formula milk. He was like a different child after and was so settled and happy.
My dh and mum have been so supportive and I've been trying to express what I can to add to the formula but of course there isn't a lot because he isn't feeding on demand. He is happy and has already started putting on weight which the midwife is really happy with.
I love Sam more than anything in the world and I so wanted to bf I just didn't realise it was so hard and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have relented and given the formula in the first place but listening to him cry out in pain is something I never want to experience again knowing it was my body that was supposed to be giving him nourishment and couldn't.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

 

[Twinks]

Yes!!! I could have written this!! My boy was born 15 days overdue- he is almost 3 weeks now. On the first night home he screamed all night long and was attacking his fist with his mouth. I couldn't bear to see him like this so we gave formula. I was in absolute agony with both my breasts bleeding very badly. I used Lanisoh to heal them and continued to breast feed with the occasional bottle of formula. He is soo hungry after breast milk it is Neal. He can feed for an hour on each breast actively and then fall asleep for ten minutes and be screaming again with his fist in his mouth. I've been expressing milk now into a bottle with the same screaming result. He is so happy after formula and so content. I've felt terribly guilty too as I was so adamant I'd breast feed but it makes me so unhappy when he is screaming in hunger. I feel like a failure too so no you're not the only one. I'm currently expressing as much as possible and topping him up with formula when I know he's still hungry. He's started completely refusing both breasts today. Feel quite down but also happy with how content he is now.

 

[disneybelle25]

Thanks for replying!
Its amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves and Im looking at him now and he is so contented part of me feels selfish for wanting to bf just to say Ive done it when I know hw gets nothing from it!!
Its nice to know Im not alone

 

[vintage67]

Neither of you ladies is alone. There is a sticky at the top of the this forum that provides support for women dealing with the grief of breastfeeding relationships that did not work out due to a variety of reasons including traumatic births, hospitalizations, low supply, failure to latch, etc.

I know how bad that feeling of "failure" is. My story is up there too and I went through it twice.


There are avenues you can seek in those early days to help resolve some breastfeeding issues, but there are times that nothing will help and it has been that way since the beginning of time.

And we're here to help you not feel so alone in the sticky at the top of the page. Many of us are also happy to offer some advice and tips to help your breastfeeding journey because just because those things didn't help us doesn't mean that they won't help you.

Everyone wants to give their child that best, healthy start to life. But what better start is there in life to born to a mother that loves you so much?
Congratualtions on those new babies! Please enjoy every minute of it! It goes by so fast and it is so sad to look back and remember grief and guilt ridden days!

 

[lil_mama_415]

im actually going through this now only my body is not producing anywhere nearly enough i was induced at 36 weeks and she was 6lbz 2oz after 2days she is now 5lbs 9oz and i said to the nurse shes not getting enough and i feel the same way but i would rather try and fail and give her formula rather than see her cry in pain hungry

 

[StranjeGirl]

My birth was pretty easy but same problem where LO would fall asleep...and there was no waking her up. I also didn't produce much milk and it took two weeks to come in. She lost quite a bit of weight and finally a week later I decided to give her formula and she was a different baby!! No more screaming!! I know a few people who didn't give formula and their LO's ended up in the hospital It was tough but I am so happy with my decision. Formula is not bad....for years and years it is what was recommended. BFing is better if everything goes right, but when it doesn't FF is much better in my opinion. It's not good for the baby to have to deal with the breast feeding issues and an unhappy mom. Just know that I didn't relent right away and still ended up where you were, except I had to deal with the screaming for a week, and constipation and going to the doctors every day for 3 days. I continued to combi feed and mostly pumped for 7 weeks and even that stunk. If I had to go back I would have started formula right away and enjoyed my time with my new baby! Hope you feel better

 

[disneybelle25]

Thanks everyone.
Having just spoken to a midwife about it I feel much better and hearing all your stories has helped too in that I know Im not alone! As long as our babies are loved and looked after thats all that matters!

 

[Kage76]

You are defiantly not alone . Breastfeeding is HARD to establish- i had a difficult start and if you want to read my story its on page 3 of the sticky on the top of the page. We will always be here if you need an ear or if you need to vent. Just keep on reminding yourself that a mothers love comes from her heart not her breasts.

 

[charleosgirl]

I can relate to an extent. The birth was pretty easy but she just would not and still won't latch without the nipple shield. As I've mentioned before I've combi fed since she was born (took forever for milk to come in) however she prefers formula now and I bf at night and she will only take one breast. Its pretty gutting for me personally I did feel I failed and OH found me sobbing my heart out over this bf thing tapering off. However my baby is super happy, healthy and sleeping through the night even at 3 mths. I have to take the positives where I can and that's why ff works for us.

 

[Lollipopbop]

You're not alone! I was so determined to BF, I didn't look in to formula or bottles etc I thought it'd be so natural for me but my LO and I found it so hard to get a good latch, I was in SO much pain and he would just scream and we'd both get so stressed every time we tried to BF. It was so hard watching my baby scream and I knew it was because he was hungry so we've switched and it took time but am now happy with my decision, I would of loved to have breast fed and I'm sure if we kept trying and trying we would of got it but I couldn't bear seeing LO so upset. Don't feel guilty, I know it's hard not to as I did too but my LO is happy and healthy, putting on weight so FF was the right choice xo

 

[dgirllamius]

I struggled to breastfeed. I was so determined to do it, but it just wasn't happening.

I gave birth via c-section and it was a good 2 hours before I even saw my baby. They had to do various tests and what not.

Anyway, she would not latch on, I couldn't produce enough and she would just cry for hours. I tried for about 4 days while I was in hospital and the support I got for it was CRAP. They didn't show me how to do it properly and just expected me to know what to do. I couldn't get a proper latch and after about a day, my boobs were so painful and I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. It wasn't until she was three days old that a proper breastfeeding specialist came to see me and she said she was disappointed with the fact that no one had really helped me.

My baby is now on formula and is a lot happier now than she was when I tried to breastfeed. I felt guilty to begin with but I don't now. She is putting on weight, is a lot happier and that is what's important.