Infertility and Mental Health

[littlered03]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so sorry if it is not!

My DH and I have finished all the testing and know that 0% morphology seems to be the only thing keeping us from having kids. However, the urologist said our infertility is more "unexplained" than male factor since so much of morphology is unknown and plenty of people get pregnant with low morphology. We are now at the point of moving forward with treatments, but even though we are now able to be active in having a baby, I find myself still falling back down again and again emotionally.

I wanted to see how others feel about this. For me, infertility isn't just about our children. It's about my identity as a mother. It's about my dream of carrying a child, seeing our own traits in our child, the positive pregnancy test, the pregnancy, experiencing the birth, bonding with the baby with all the hormones after delivering, etc. It's also about my life and where it is headed. I quit my teaching job so I could nanny and have more time with our kids since we were trying to have a baby when I made that decision and I thought it would be happening soon. Now, my nanny job will be done in two years and I have no idea what to do after that. I am also a photographer and thought I would be working on taking my business full-time so I could stay home with our future kids, but now I've lost all passion for that and just feel so lost!

Does this affect others in that way? I just feel like my life has lost its purpose and I've lost my identity. We are waiting for another SA after trying a bunch of natural things for a few months and then we will probably try IUI up to three times and then will move toward adoption if that doesn't work. We are being active in the process, but I just feel so lost.

I am a Christian as well, and have prayed and at times have felt better, but I always end up back down again. I know God will get us through, but I just have no idea where I am heading, and for a Type A, planner, hard-working, driven person, this is so hard. My husband has been dealing with it so much better than I have, and he desires a baby just as badly, but I don't think it's wrapped up in his identity and purpose in the same way it is for me. His career is still moving forward and I have no idea where mine is headed.

I'd love for us to share our struggles with the emotional side of infertility. I didn't even scratch the surface of what this means for friendships and things like that as well, but feel free to share! I am in the process of looking for a therapist because I'm not sure if these thoughts and feelings are normal and they definitely aren't fun.

 

[Wish4another1]

littered - I hesitated to respond since I am TTC my 3rd - but my husband's 1st... however - we too had an SA in September and our morph was 0% - we just had a second "donation" on Monday - and our 1st urologist appointment is Friday - so I don't know if our numbers have improved - but my husband has been taking fertiliaid for men since the first of the year and when we found out he was going to get to do another SA I set him up with a ton of extra vitamins to take (vitamin C, Vitamin D, CoQ10 and B12) - he was a good sport... so I will let you know if taking all those supplements/vitamins did any good for him...

I think it is very normal to feel you have lost your purpose/identity - and I think that talking to a therapist is going to help you! Obviously one of the main things we as women do is have babies - and when that doesn't happen...well ?? I always think of Hannah from the bible... obviously it was a big deal in bible times too... however I know I can't overload my husband with TTC - it just puts him under a huge amount of pressure - so I like coming here to this forum and talking to one or two other close friends... so you should find those people you can talk to about your journey - it really does help us ladies to talk and talk...

And my husband and I are Christians also - and I have prayed and prayed and most days I feel like God does miracles - but not for me. We need a miracle - plain and simple. However - I keep coming back to God is love - he is a good God and in his word he PROMISES to never leave us or forsake us. Sometimes we just have to cling to his word - He doesn't lie...
and my husband seems to handle things much better than me too - I am angry/sad/mad/blue that he may never have his own biological children - and I am at fault... but he says - "if its mean to be it will happen" and me also being a type A - cannot stand that statement!!! I guess I want to plan it into being!!!

anyway - so for the long response - if you want to PM me go ahead... Good luck on this journey...

 

[Myshelsong]

Hi Hun, I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

We have been trying just short of 3 years... The first and second year we were actively trying I was consumed with conception and really went into a very dark place. I was depressed, inconsolable almost, I grieved every period like I had lost a child. It got to the point where I couldn't leave the house unless it was for work or doctors appointments. I had anxiety when leaving the house, I cut my own hair, I had groceries delivered I was having panic attacks over nothing. I am also a planner and my problem was because I couldn't plan this. No matter what I did, which medication I took or made my husband take nothing was happening. I was also raised very religious and it was ingrained in my mind and my self worth that my purpose in this life was to be a mother and carry a child. I am not saying that this Ideal is completely wrong, however when you are having trouble conceiving it makes you feel like You have no purpose anymore. I had no worth.

Since it has been such a long road I have had many ups and downs over the course of the process and have had to really re-evaluate who and what I am. I would suggest talking to a professional. Although I didn't go that far in hindsight I really wish that I had. It would have really helped, and when we start actively trying again after the move I will be seeing someone right away because I know I cannot take the pressure that I have on myself.

To get out of the funk I was having (a year long funk mind you) I actively started acupuncture for STRESS relief, Started doing Yoga in the morning and at night. Just a 15 - 1/2 hour program to calm myself down, and tried to do something for ME once a week. Be it go out to dinner where I want to go, or watch a movie I choose or buy myself a coffee that is $5.00 because I am Worth it. Now I am not 100% and I still have my off days however I am in a much better place, and know if I ever start down that road again there are people out there that can help and support me and that if we do adopt that does not mean that I am not a women, it doesn't mean that I am worthless because my self worth is not as tied into my fertility as it once was.

Wanna wish you good luck on this journey and babydust to you

 

[Christi85]

I'm a new member but have been lurking here for a while. I wanted to jump in and comment on this thread because you address many issues that hit home with me.

A few things about my TTC background: I'm 29. I have had messed up cycles ever since I can remember having them. Periods have always been fairly regular, but I've had luteal phase spotting for years and years that went undiagnosed by doctors as 'dysfunctional bleeding'. Also a history of endometrial polyps and ovarian cysts, and though I was never officially diagnosed with PCOS, I know I had polycystic looking ovaries at a young age. Surprise of all surprises, at the age of 29 I now have diminished ovarian reserve, which apparently is what polycystic ovaries at a young age sometimes develops to at a later age (basically too many follicles are recruited very early on, leaving you with diminished reserves at an earlier than expected age!). My RE who has diagnosed me with DOR thinks my luteal phase problems are due to low progesterone, which indicates insufficient hormone production at ovulation, and that the two may be linked. I'm also having a laparoscopy done in a couple of weeks to check for endometriosis and remove a persistent ovarian cyst. As you can tell, I'm nowhere near a good place emotionally right now. My husband also tested for fertility and his SA results were close to stellar. On the one hand, this was very happy news, but on the other hand, it has left me feeling even worse, because it is now apparent that my own insufficiencies are the only thing causing our inability to conceive. And I can't help thinking that, had he been married to another woman, he would most likely be a dad by now.

My RE has given us 1-3% chance of conceiving on our own, which was quite devastating news. She's also playing the diminished ovarian reserve card quite a lot (diagnosed by low AMH and a diminished follicle count on cycle day 3 - at least my FSH is still normal!) arguing that we should be doing treatment sooner rather than later given that my fertility is declining faster than average. Speak of feeling under pressure! So what is happening now is that we're waiting on me having the laparoscopy and depending on whether endo is found or not and how extensive it is, we will devise a treatment plan. But here's the added complication for us: we don't have insurance that covers fertility treatment and there's no way we can afford more than one round of IVF paying out of pocket, with a chance of success of just 30-35% given my circumstances. We also have ethical/religious dilemmas, as hubby and I are both Christians and just don't want to deal with creating excess embryos and everything that comes with it. We are open to trying IUI instead, and in fact, for the price of one round of IVF, we will be able to have 3-4 IUI rounds, but we are also aware that chances of success with IUI are significantly lower. Plus, if endo is found at my laparoscopy and is extensive, my RE has flat out said that IUI won't even be worth considering as an option. So all we can hope for is that no/mild endo is found, as this will at least give us some treatment options. If IVF is the only option we are left with, we may not even be able to go with it for all the financial and ethical considerations I mentioned above. And we're left with the 1-3% chance of trying on our own.

So with all the above in mind, you can tell that I'm not a happy person right now. I've grown up assuming I would be a mother one day - it never clicked in my head that I would have significant fertility issues despite my messed up cycles. I naively believed that it wouldn't matter when it came to it since I knew I ovulated (little did I know that so many other factors come into play), or that my problems could be resolved with just some medication. Needless to say, like you, I planned my whole life around that assumption. I started my own business too, thinking that I could have a flexible schedule to care for my children, and like you, I have no energy whatsoever right now and I have to force myself to put more effort into my poor neglected business. To me, my depression is not as much a matter of identity, but a matter of the plans of a whole life going awry for something I don't have much control over. Like others have said, I am a planner too. I don't know how I can live with any other life plan, as I'd always assumed I would be having a family. It's also a rollercoaster of emotions including guilt towards my fertile husband who I'm depriving of a family, guilt towards my parents for possibly never having a biological grandchild (I happen to be an only child), towards my husband's mom who is happily oblivious and is looking forward to grandchildren from us (we still haven't told her about our struggles), and a lot of fear for the future - will I still be happy if I end up childless? will it leave a permanent hole in my heart? will I lose friends if I don't end up having kids and they move on to growing their families, getting involved in their children's lives and forgetting we exist? will people gossip about us behind our back once we start coming out? (we've only come out to a few close relatives from my side of the family and just a handful of very close friends - everyone else must be thinking we're still waiting, since we're still fairly young). Like other posters, my husband is dealing with it much better than I do. He has faith that everything will work out and he still thinks I will be able to have our own baby (could that be denial? sometimes I wonder). He also isn't buying that 1-3% chance.

We are very open to adoption if we keep trying for another couple of years with no luck, most likely an infant or toddler from foster care. While I love the idea and my husband agrees, I'm equally scared about being heartbroken again and again and again, as we get to open our home to babies and toddlers who will more often than not end up leaving to reunite with families or kin instead of being adopted by us (which happens to about 70% of cases). Plus I'm not sure we will be strong enough to deal with a child with medical issues, as is often the case. Anyway, this is another discussion for another time.

To go back to infertility and mental health, emotions can be very real and very raw. The way I see it, it is acceptable to feel anything while on this rocky path, including anger, sadness, stress, jealousy for people who have what you don't have (not in a bad way - more in a self pity way), desperation and much more. Like I said above, I am also Christian like you. The only thing that consoles me (but only temporarily, until I get into the next funk) is the thought that God truly has a plan for me and my husband. A plan that we may not comprehend right now, that may take a while to reveal itself, that may take us through pain and sadness and anger, but a plan nevertheless that will lead us to something better than we ever envisioned. I try to pray and to think of what God is trying to teach me by putting me in this situation. A lot of times I've thought that He may be teaching me not to plan so hard (I'm the type of person who can have their life plan laid out for the next 5+ years), and to put more trust in Him. To let go and let things happen, and let Him lead my life to where the best place possible is. At the end of the day, He knows better. I get tremendous relief and hope from my faith, but a lot of times, especially lately, I still crumble. I still often wake up at night and sob, and at those times, no amount of prayer can help me until I manage to calm myself down. So this infertility journey for me is also a faith journey, constantly working towards coming closer to God. Sometimes I feel very close, other times not so much. Like another poster said, I'm hoping for a miracle that doesn't seem to be coming.

Thank you for starting this thread. I would like to see more ladies participate and tell us about the emotional side of their infertility.

 

[madtowngirl]

Myshelong describes my own mental state so well.

We've been ttc since October 2012, and after I had my miscarriage, I just could not deal with the world. I have a long history of clinical depression, and I had gone off of my meds when we decided to start trying. I had been doing fine, but the m/c just tore me apart. For me, the most pain comes from feeling like I'm not a real woman. That somehow, because everyone around me is pregnant, or happily raising a family, I am less of a person because my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate. And like many of you, I grew up pretty religious, but this whole journey has taken so much from me, I don't even know if I believe in a God anymore.

Honestly, of everything I have been through in my life, infertility is the most emotionally draining experience I have ever had. It is almost like a grieving process every time AF arrives, especially when you timed everything perfectly. I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past year and a half because of all of the stress.

To get myself through it, I've stopped spending every tww like I could be pregnant. I have a glass of wine. I drink soda and I take the bare minimum in terms of vitamins. I get massages regularly to help deal with the stress, and I invest a lot of time in my hobbies. I really do everything I can to keep my mind off of it, which may seem like avoiding the problem, but for me, it's a matter of obsessing. If I start to think about it, I start obsessing about where my life is going, what is wrong with me, how are we going to pay for treatments, etc, etc.

But most of all, this forum is so therapeutic for me, because there are so many ladies here who understand. They aren't going to judge me, or blow sunshine and rainbows up my butt about how "it will happen when it's meant to" or other garbage like that. It lifts a huge weight off of your shoulders to know there is a place you can come and rant, without fear of what people will say to you.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Lilred03 Getting a therapist is a really good idea, especially one that specializes in infertility. I saw a therapist after 2 years of TTC #2 when I felt so hopeless and I couldn't shake my depression. Dh really couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy with what I had and no one else close to me could either. When I went to my first session, I started bawling after my therapist asked me the first question--"So what brings you here??". It was so good to be able to let all of those negative feelings out and most of my session was pretty much me crying.

If you get one who specializes in infertility issues, they can not only help you with the mental health aspects, but also with figuring out what you want to do with your treatments. With my therapist, who had also had trouble conceiving (she conceived via IVF), we explored what treatments I had already undergone and what avenues I would be willing to pursue in the future. We talked in depth about whether I would consider IVF and if I was willing to pursue options to finance it, since the money for it was the main concern. I ultimately determined that I would not want to spend that kind of money, but it felt good just to know that we had fully considered it before ruling it out.

My therapist was really the one who gave me the resolve to get my husband to do more in our efforts. Up to then, I was the one really getting all of the testing, labs and stuff, and other than the SA, dh really had not been doing everything. She convinced me that if I didn't insist on him getting seen by a urologist and him doing everything he could to rule out any MF issues, that I would never have closure and I would resent him if I was never able to conceive.

I think any therapist would be good, but one that specializes in infertility will understand the unique feelings that go along with it and will be knowledgeable about the various procedures and causes of IF.

 

[Trishg21]

You are definitely not alone sweetie. During the years I struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage I lost my faith in God. I remember night after night praying and sobbing for a baby, asking why this was happening to me. Meanwhile people who could barely take care of themselves were getting pregnant. How is it that those people were more worthy of a child than me? What could I have possibly done that was so bad that I had to suffer so much.

Now I am just barely starting to regain a bit of who I was before infertility. I am forever changed but slowly I am working on trying to let go of the hate in my heart.

We are going to be trying again soon, after almost 2 years of doing nothing while we adopted my daughter. The first thing I did was schedule an appointment with an infertility therapist. I know I need help to get through this so I don't lose myself as much as I did last time.

If you ever need to talk please let me know.

 

[lizzie78]

Hi,

I'm new on here too but not to TTC. I just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone and I can also identify with the lady who said that she had a year long funk - me too

A lot of what you have said rings true with me, I have had a couple of years off from TTC whilst we saved money for IVF and am just back at it now as it were. One of the biggest things for me, which might be just me, is that it's as though I've actually had too long to think about it. 8 years is a long time to be thinking about being a mum. Part of me is now convinced that I'll be a terrible parent and shouldn't actually be trying to get pregnant - totally messed up I know. I think in the normal way of things people decide to have children and within a few months are on their journey without years to panic and overthink things.

It feels as though my whole life for nearly the last decade has been about TTC. The number of holidays that I have refused to book flights for, just in case. Not drinking wine when I fancy a glass, exercising even when I really don't want to, staying in a job I hate because it has maternity cover and on and on. It is the most emotionally draining experience I have ever been through and I'm sure it's character building or something but it is exhausting and has taken it's toll on every single relationship that I have. I'm so glad I found this forum

 

[Swtshae]

To all of you!!!

Like many of you I am also struggling to conceive. Though my husband doesn't have a semen issue, I am the one that seems to be the problem and that weighs very heavy on my heart. Especially because I know how bad my husband wants to start a family.

A week ago I had laprascopic surgery to find out that I have severe endometriosis. It is to the point where the doctor didn't remove any because he stated that it was everywhere including my bowels and he felt that if he did remove any, it would further decrease my chances of conceiving through IVF which is the only way he thinks I can conceive. Trying to get pregnant has been a long, ongoing process, a little over 3 years. You think at some point you get use to getting AF month after month, but that isn't the case. I have definitely experienced the "funk" making it hard to just overall be myself and connect with my husband. I quickly though got out of that state of mind because it only made matters worse and my husband didn't deserve the treatment as we're in this together.

It's so hard when everyone around me gets pregnant at the blink of the eye. Just this week, my coworker told me she was pregnant... Though I'm truly happy for her, I wonder if I'll ever get to experience the joy that only god can bring with a child. I am a christian and know God hears my prayers. There is a reason as to why I haven't gotten pregnant yet and I'm waiting for reason to be revealed if it ever is.

Just know you're not alone, none of you are. We will get pregnant and if not, there are other options.

 

[Hope3]

I can identify with what others have said already. I've been seeing a counsellor who specialises in infertility but other stuff comes up as well. It's still early days but at least I have an outlet for all the c**p running around my head.

My emotions are overwhelming me and I have a stressful job with no work life balance where I feel under pressure to keep going and going when all I want to do is shut everyone out, stop everything and hide. I feel as though I'm cracking up.

I too am a Christian and I've been doubting my faith big time. Trishg21 - I could have said the same thing word for word!
It's got to the stage where I just can't face going to church. Not only because of the faith thing but I get so upset seeing all the babies and toddlers and pregnant women.

As time has passed and I've got older I've been feeling more and more hopeless.