Insecurity and Planning a Nursery

[Viperbunny]

Hi all,
This will probably be long, so I apologize in advance.

I gave birth to my daughter by emergency c section at 29 weeks 1 day. We knew she was small, but that was the only thing that seemed to be going on. When she was born and she had birth defects on her hands and feet, we knew something else was going on. A scan of her heart revealed 3 heart defects, and a few days later our worst fears were confirmed. Our daughter had trisomy 18, and there was nothing more they could do for her. We wanted to hold her before she passed, and so we decided to take her off life support and hold her for the first and only time. She passed away in my arms at just 6 days old.

My doctor's told me to wait six months and then I could try again. I never thought I would be ready to try again so soon, but between the pain of my endometrious, and the longing I felt to be a mom, it felt right. Once my doctor's and therapist signed off, my husband and I tried again. My last period was 6 months to the day of giving birth to my daughter.

Now I am pregnant with baby number two and very excited to be expecting. For the most part, I've felt excited, not worried. I just feel like this baby is healthy where as last time I always felt like I would lose my daughter. The NT scan and blood tests gave this baby a1 in 100,000 chance of having trisomy 18, so we seem to be in the clear.

Now, at 15 weeks, I am beginning to get really insecure. I am so happy to be having this baby, but it is like all the pain and fear is coming back. I want to start preparing for this baby, but I feel like I don't know how.

The first issue is finding out the sex of the baby. I really want to know, but I have to wait another 4 weeks. It is such a small thing, but I can't seem to let it go. I will be happy with either a boy or a girl, but I feel like I can't get things until I know for sure because I want to get stuff that is less gender neutral and more geared to the baby I am having. There is no place that does gender scans around where I live, so I am stuck waiting.

Knowing the sex is so important to me because I want to name this baby. My daughter had a name before she was born, and it helped us to bond and know her before she even arrived. I want to have that for this baby too.

Also, the anatomy scan was the first indication something wasn't right. The doctor didn't comment much, just said she was small, but the ultrasound tech kept asking if I had any conditions that would cause it. I don't want to link finding out the gender to another scary test, even if it goes well.

I also have been falling apart when deciding what to do for the nursery. We never got to set up the nursery for my daughter because I was on bed rest and then things happened so quickly. I was planning on doing Winnie the Pooh. Well, when people asked if I was sticking to that theme, I was all for it. Now I'm not so sure. Thinking of it makes me cry every time (even as I write this). Part of me feels that it was my daughter's (even though she never had it) and part of me doesn't want this baby to have to have a "left over" theme. If I hadn't lost her, I probably would have kept the same theme for the nursery as it is boy/girl friendly, but now I don't know. I feel like I am panicking just thinking about what to do. I talk to my husband about it, and plan to bring it up in therapy, but I can't share my feelings with anyone else, because they just don't get it.

Also, my mother decided I would not be having a baby shower. Last time she made a huge stink about me not having a shower and got into a huge fight with me and my nana (dad's mom) for planning one for me. My mother said everyone she knew who had a shower lost their baby. Well, I never got to have my shower because my baby was born early, and died two days before my shower was scheduled to happen.

I really want a baby shower. I know it sounds really selfish, and I hate myself for it, but I really really want it. It's not about the gifts, and I hate being the center of attention. For me, it's about the baby. I want this baby to know that we are excited s/he is coming into this world. I never got to celebrate the birth of my daughter because things we so stressed and everything was going so poorly. It's really important to me to get to celebrate this baby's birth as something happy, and uplifting and positive. Last time, they expected me to drive two hours to them (and then two hours back) around 30 weeks pregnant. I didn't love the idea, but I was just so happy they were thinking of me. My dream is to have a shower somewhere near my house. Or to be surprised, and come home one day to see a bunch of family and friends and see my nursery set up. It will never happen, but it's my dream.


I have been having issues with my mother because she is very difficult. There is no talking to her as she doesn't listen, does what she wants anyway, and pretends it is what I want, or what other people want for me. Recently she has become obsessed with my sister's downstairs neighbor. This woman has a baby that would be the age my daughter would be if she was still here with us. She started helping this woman out, and this woman stole a bunch of family heirlooms. My family got all the stuff back (they think) and claim her boyfriend was helpful out of the kindness of his heart (nope, he's on parole. If he got caught with stolen goods he was going back to prison). They claim she was sick and it wasn't her fault and she went to rehab for a whole week and came out "cured." It's complete b.s. My mother said the woman wasn't allowed back in her house, but that lasted a few days. Well, the building my sister lives in got condemned so guess who is living with my parents. I made it clear I will not be there while this woman and her family is there.


It kills me because I was supposed to go down for the 4th of July, but this woman is still there. My mother fails to understand that I will have nothing to do with this thief or her offspring. I don't blame the baby, but she uses her baby to manipulate people. I feel like my parents and family (as most of my family has taken to this family) has replaced my daughter and in some ways, me. I wouldn't feel this way if this was someone we knew, or the situation was different, but my mom put these people first. My mom made such a big deal about me coming down for the 4th, and had the balls to ask if I would come down. When I told her not as long as the other people were there, she clearly was more concerned about them. It really hurts.

I am also sick of hearing what a good mother this woman is. She isn't. She lied to my parents about her boyfriend being abusive. She was doing drugs while home alone caring for her son, smoked through her whole pregnancy and continued to smoke even when her son had lung issues. She would let her son cry for hours because she didn't want to or know how to deal with him, when all he needed was to be feed and changed. Yeah, she is so good I'm sure dcyf would love to watch her parenting skills first hand, and you know, check in often just to see how it is done. They may even take her son and give him to someone else to show them what a good mother she'd been. I know my daughter died, but it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It was random. My doctors told me it was amazing I carried her so long and that she came out alive. I spent all my time with my daughter or pumping breast milk for her, or sleeping when the nurses told me I had to. I feel like I am being punished. I didn't give them a granddaughter they could keep and so I'm not good enough.

Sorry, this is really long, I just had to get it out. I don't know what I'm asking or what I'm looking for, I just couldn't keep this inside me anymore.

Also, trying to decide on repeat c section or VBAC. I have gd, so they will probably take me early, but they said, so far, I could do either. I hated the epidural, but not sure what others would recommend.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Donna_barnes]

Awwww viper bunny what a shit sandwich. You shouldn't have to deal with all this after what you have been through. Ignore your mother and concentrate in your baby! Throw your own shower I say. I would throw one for you . People should put your feelings first, many don't unfortunately.

Hope things improve xx

 

[Viperbunny]

I told my mom I didn't want to talk to her yesterday. I couldn't deal with her drama. Now the woman who is living with them had some kind of seizure or stroke in the car with her baby and my mom (my mom was driving) and now is in critical condition. My mother is claiming it is a condition and the doctor took her off seizure meds...um, you don't just stop taking that kind of medication. Considering she was abusing recreational drugs, it is more likely she did this to herself. Considering she gets sick at opportune times, and they apparently they just found an apartment. I feel like a horrible person for saying it, but I really, really believe she over dosed or that she purposely made herself sick. She loves attention and does what she can to get that attention.

My mom called to tell me how unfair it was that this young woman was in critical condition and I flipped out. I started yelling at her that unfair is taking your 6 day old of life support, that I couldn't deal with her shit and I hung up. I feel bad yelling at her and sent her a text to apologize, but I don't feel anything towards this woman. I don't want to see anyone suffer or die, but she is nothing to me. I don't see working myself up into a fit over someone I don't care or care to know. When I get upset my blood pressure skyrockets and that is not good for the baby. Sorry, my kid comes first.

I feel like a terrible person, but if this woman ends up dying, I am not driving two hours there and back to go to her services. Again, it's a stressful situation and this woman is nothing to me. I feel bad not supporting my parents and sister, but the stress is too much. I would end up getting stuck there, in that house with this woman's boyfriend and son, and all my family on top of it. It's not out of spite, or anger (even though there is plenty of that), it's about not needing to be there for all the stress. I am angry that my mother felt the need to call me and tell me all the gory details when she has people there. She loves to upset me, and it makes my sympathies wear thin.

 

[Stressbucket]

Sounds like a lot.

My advice would be: if you want a shower, have a shower. Do you have a friend or non-mother relative who would be willing to host one for you?

Trust your instincts about things like the nursery theme and such. Do what feels best. There's no right answer, or moral factor here, it's all about what feels right to you and your family.

As for the woman in your sister's building, I know how this sort of thing can balloon into a giant crisis, but I would really distance yourself from it as far as you can. If you're asked to get involved with her in any way, the answer is, "Oh, I'm so busy with being pregnant, I couldn't possibly." You clearly can't help this person, and she is not someone you know, or want to know. If your mother wants to run around helping her and being worried about her life, you can't stop that, but you don't have to play along.

Take good care of yourself!

 

[Viperbunny]

My friends know how I feel and my husband is determined to make sure I have one. He is a great man, and I love him so much for caring. I worry my mother will sabotage it or come to it and be completely miserable. To be honest, I really don't want much to do with her right now. I just had the doctor call and tell me to come in next week. They want to check me every two weeks now, even though all my tests were good, because my blood pressure was elevated after getting upset with my mother. Not sure how to handle it, but I am getting to the point where I am done with her.

 

[duckytwins]

I am so sorry to hear what's going on. It sounds like you need a lot of support and aren't getting it. It also sounds like your mother is trying to grieve but in the wrong way. PAL (and losing a baby to begin with) is scary, confusing and mean. It does things to people that no one can explain. I hope you can find the support you need and deserve.