Insite into reality, a hard but valuable lesson.

[twinklestar25]

Hi all I went through a strange experience a couple of weeks ago, myself and my partner used withdrawal method as we had ran out of condoms, it happened to be right in the middle of my cycle and we got busy twice within half hr. Now my sensible head would never take a risk like that normally but my hormones have been all over the place and I didn't know if I was coming or going with the whole 3rd baby decision. So i was careless and thought if we slip up so be it and let him use withdrawal knowing how fertile we are and it not been a reliable method especially during fertile time and twice!
Anyway I completely convinced myself I was pregnant I started with strange Symtooms. what I now believe must of been late ov mixed with crazy hormones and fear/panic/worry. I had cramps for 3 days and positive opk for 3 days when it should of been to late to ov, really unusual and conceived me I was Preg.

Anyway truly believing I was the feelings I felt were not what I was expecting. Ive never been careless our 2 boys were planned to a T and I'm very on point about planning everything, so this was unknown territory for me to start with. But what surprised me was I thought I wanted another baby and that I would of been happy at the thought that I could be pregnant. Instead I was filled with fear guilt panic selfishness and was convinced it was the wrong decision and that I wouldn't be able to have another baby, I searched boards online for people with similar situations and considerd my options.
As the days went on I did start to come round, thinking of ways it could work out etc even got a little excited, became a bit more relaxed about it but deep down every time it crossed my mind I had a sinking feeling and new I didn't really want to be pregnant and could only think of the negatives the hard work and what it would take away from my current children.
It turns out I wasn't and Af came a few days late, but my point is, sometimes you think you know what you want but until you actually have it or are in the situation you don't know how you would react/ if your feelings may change or if its what you truly want or if it's your hormones/mind playing tricks.

I had a couple of crazy months totally convinced another baby is what I wanted I've thought about it for years but never made a decision either way and sed we would decide next yr but my partner not really wanting another. the feeling became stronger and stronger until I let something careless happen despite having a wedding booked for next yr too. But facing the reality scared me, all the pros I had in my head of how it could work or be ok became insignificant and the overwhelming feeling of fear took over. The thought of how I'd cope with 3 on my own(partner works away some times) to not been able to spend as much time with the 2 I have and take them on nice holidays etc
It made me realise I like the idea and thought of a third and all the nice bits it may bring but not the reality and the hard work and cost involved. Even so much so as I'm going the Drs on Monday to go on the pill.

I think for some people they have an experience like this and it does the opposite, it makes them think that actually yes they would love another with feelings of sadness when the test turns negative, but for me the minuet I thought I could actually be pregnant I knew it wasn't the right thing for us, that gut feeling. Could of just been panic but for how I was feeling the past few months/yrs I thought I'd be happy not react like I did. So i think there's my answer, yes I have thoughts of how it would be nice to get to do it all again etc but I don't want the rest of what comes with the nice bits, I think I'd struggle with 3 so that's it I've had my time of pregnancy, newborn days etc it time to move on for many good reasons. When it truly comes down to it the negatives for us out way the positives.

Not everyone may react the same but at least for me I had an insite into how I may feel and it wasn't how I thought it would be. I think sometimes we build up this lovely picture in our heads of how we expect/would like things to be but the reality dosnt always match.

 

[fuschia]

Well sounds like you had a very eventful few weeks emotions wise !

I too am in the 'shall we have a 3rd' phase and I spend a lot of my time going through the thoughts you had but of course not as intensely as there's no chance that I could actually be pregnant right now .


Your making me wonder if I had he same experience, which way I would go . If it would make me really how much I want it / how much I don't really want it .

I'm glad you have made your decision and are happy with it xx

 

[mummy2_1]

Hi ladies just wanted to drop my two cents.

After my first I was adamant I did not want another, even at a year old he was the apple of my eye. Made my life complete. Loved him with the whole of my heart (his daddy too) but then I started with the what ifs, maybes of another. I explained to my other half its like an ache, low in my belly. That we had made the decision to not have any more, it was final but I felt this loss??! Like my belly was missing something. I was sad and felt empty??!! I was broody and emotional and longed for another baby. So we talked and talked and nearly a year of debating and considering we decided to go for it. Our son deserved a sibling. We deserved and wanted another to complete our family. Luckily 3 months of trying, I was pregnant. Everything fell into place. It was perfect. We of have our completed family.

I'm scared beyond belief this feeling will come back. The loss of not having another. I' am done. My family is complete. I only have two hands and two eyes. Two is more then enough for me. But that nagging feeling kept cropping up in my head. Thinking when will it start to torture me again. Anyways.....I missed a pill mid cycle. Thought nothing of it. Were not very active due to a Co sleeping dependent nearly four yr old and a very adamantly against sleep nearly one year old. Came to my period week due on. And four days later still no period. I forget the first two days and then just put it down to stress..... Then I started to have an absolute melt down. Thinking how could I be so careless. What have I done. I was in turmoil. It was breaking me in half. The guilt. The worry. The dread of having to take a test and dreading the second line appearing. Finally my period started and I was beyond relieved
Only form my careless mistake did I really see how I felt.

 

[twinklestar25]

I've found out my friend is pregnant with her 3rd, we had our 2nd at the same time. times like this that make me wobble and question the decision despite all those feelings I went through! I have to remember how I felt though and how the reality would likely be. Will probably always have those fleeting moments as its such a lovely time having a baby and will always look back with fond memories. I guess lots of us would love to do it all again and I think making the decision not to when you have only 1 gender is abit more difficult as there's always that what if it would be a girl/boy and the chance to get to experience raising both.
But I have to keep my hormones in check and remember that whilst it's lovely, a 3rd person adds so much extra in way of costs/lifestyle/sharing time etc

It's nice to be able to lo about this here as my partner just says he dosnt want anymore (which ends the decision in itself really! But hormones!) and can't really talk to friends/fam about this.
It helps to see others experiences and how they manage.

I went to the Drs this week and got the pill as I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be in the situation again but stopped taking it as felt it was giving me unpleasant side effects and don't like the idea of putting hormones into my body and risks etc so back to using condoms and not running out! Probably safer really as if I forgot a pill then I could be at risk.

Strangely enough I don't feel that I can say to my partner go and have the snip- that would be a sure fire way to not get pregnant but I'm not ready to close the door compleatly although I feel like we won't have anymore. If we change our mind in a couple of yrs the option is still there....

 

[twinklestar25]

Well sounds like you had a very eventful few weeks emotions wise !

I too am in the 'shall we have a 3rd' phase and I spend a lot of my time going through the thoughts you had but of course not as intensely as there's no chance that I could actually be pregnant right now .


Your making me wonder if I had he same experience, which way I would go . If it would make me really how much I want it / how much I don't really want it .

I'm glad you have made your decision and are happy with it xx

Thanks, it's so hard though to close the door on it all, even though I felt like that. It's easy to think when your not goin through it, was it just the wrong timing/ not planned etc. What i do know for a fact is that it would be harder on us financially (but not impossible, less treats etc) with nursery costs the the rest of it and this is a big deciding factor along with how we would cope with 3.

 

[fuschia]

I started my uni course this week and found myself thinking most of the time that I should def stick with 2 !

But it highlighted to me how much the way I'm feeling / current experience will affect my take on 'the third child' . I have to work out what I really want .

Took my daughter to tennis this am and as I was standing in the cold and wet with my 1 year old son, I decided yep this is it I just want these 2 . Then straight away I started to well up at the thought of not having the 3rd !

It's tricky being in a position where you could . Some people are very severely limited by money or room etc . But for us although it would be a strain - it would be ok . We have a spare room and even a suitable car !
I'm so confused ! Xx

 

[twinklestar25]

Oh it really is hard, could it be the been pregnant/having a newborn and the whole experience your missing rarther than the reality of a third? Sure you have plenty of time to leave it for now and make the decision in a yr or 2, maybe wen you've finished uni? I can imagine it been very tempting when you have the space to spare. We don't at the moment, have a 3bed house but small rooms and I'd like them to have their own room. We were thinking of moving to a 4 bed just to give us more space, and that sent thoughts through my mind of how if I had a spare room I'd have to fill it! The house is a beautiful new build up the rd, probably more sensible to have a bigger 3 bed but we will see what the price difference is, if it's a big difference we will likely go for the 3 bed. But could stay where we are really but lots of work to be done here if we do... A whole other project entily!

 

[fuschia]

I don't know ! I don't know what it is but there is a pull for me about having a 3rd and I can't shake the feeling that maybe we are 'meant to' . I don't view anything else in this way !

When we talk about it - I feel like I'm talking about a person- someone who is meant to be here ! But I could prevent that ! It's weird!

I wouldn't wait till end of uni - I am starting a 4.5 year course . It's part time and designed to fit around family very well. I only attend uni for 3 days in a row , 4 times in a year - it's doable!

I wouldn't want to become qualified and then go down the baby route because it would delay things and I want to get back to work really when my kids are at school . Plus we would like a smaller age gap if poss . More like 2.5-3 years . If we waited , it would be 5.5 years and 9 years between oldest and youngest !

I just don't know !

You might be right about the house thing for you . If you have 4 rooms - it's lovely to have a spare room but it will also perhaps cross your mind that you now have a room for that potential 3rd baby ??

It's funny how things like this affect us ! X

 

[twinklestar25]

Ahh I know what you mean. A few pregnancy/birth announcements this past couple of days has stirred my hormones again and has me questioning my decision! I've obviously not learnt from my 'experience' lol
I don't know what it is, must be just been a women, I've been trying to shake it for 2-3 yrs! Now isn't the right time for us but I can't say I won't feel so strongly next yr.

Wonder how it is really with 3! Maybe it's not so hard (haha that's me hoping lol)

Sounds like it deffo could be doable for you with uni only part time. how does your partner feel?

 

[fuschia]

It makes me wonder if we would still feel like this after no3 ? But there's no way I want 4 children but would I still have the same emotions ?

But then I see people that are so 100% sure they are finished with 2 . Why don't I feel like that ?! Lol

My husband is pretty much the same as me ! I know he will be swayed by me for sure - Ie I know I have the final decision really . But we both are as confused about it . We both would love another but are also hung up on the loveliness we have now and how it would affect things ( both the positive and the negative such as it will be an additional 2/3 years till the baby stop us going to the cinema !)

I have stuff going on now and I'm excited about my course ( primary teaching ) but it's always at the back of my mind !

I just can't imagine ever regretting having another . So it's a really strange decision really . It feels wrong to decide based on convenience so need to work out what we want ! X

 

[Mrs. Eddie]

It's nice to read this post.

So we have two and my husband has actually had a vasectomy. He was very adamantly done and at the time he asked about doing it (this past May) so was I.

It wasn't until my son turned 1 that I started having doubts and feeling sad about not having another. I know logically that we are better off as a family of four, that I will be able to give my kids an amazing life, that I will have more time for them and I'm excited about all the things we'll get to do as a family as they start to get older.

But another part of me wonders if we should have waited until Ethan was 2 before making the decision, it's just so final now. My husband just got his SA back and it's 0 so we are done.

I know I'd freak out if I was pregnant now and feel like in the future I'll be glad we made this decision (plus when I think about our future family I only see the two of them) but I feel like for most women it's a tough thing to say that you're fully done having babies.