After a miscarriage a few years ago and losing twins last summer (1 m/c and 1 late discovery ectopic where I nearly died on the table 4 times during emergency surgery) DH and I were shocked to discover that I'm pregnant again, just had a second u/s, and have been taking progesterone shots 3x/week to sustain the pregnancy. But it's terrifying, the entire thing is so scary and exciting and scary. I had pretty much convinced myself after trying for 5 years that I would never have children, and that if I got pregnant it'd just be another loss. Ive been in semi denial about the entire thing, not wanting to tell too many people because of how hard it is to deal with things yourself, and how much worse it is when you have to tell someone else what happened, its uncomfortable for everyone, especially the pity in their eyes. In some ways I feel like being pregnant again has helped me finally deal with what happened last summer. At the same time, I've started accepting this pregnancy and getting excited, something Ive been afraid to do, I know how hard it is to deal with a miscarriage, the feelings of being broken that Ive had for years, the whats wrong with me? Why does is seem so effortless for so many other women to get pregnant and pop out kids like its nothing, but for me its a struggle. I know I'm not alone out there, but until recently pregnant women are something Ive tended to avoid. And since we found out, it seems like everyone I know is pregnant, or just had a baby. I'm afraid that if something happens it will be a constant reminder. Ive never made it this far before, never had such strong pregnancy symptoms, never developed a bump and felt my uterus expanding and something growing inside me. At the same time, giving birth was something I gave up on and never thought possible, so its really hard for me to see it in my future, just as it is anything that hasn't happened before I suppose. When I read threads in the forum I try to skip over the ones that might be symptoms of miscarriage, I had very light spotting with this pregnancy in the beginning and it devastated me because I thought it was happening once again. It makes my heart jump to see other women go through what I have, and all people deal differently. I tend to deal by not really dealing. Just moving on with my life. I guess I just feel shell shocked and wanted to get all of this out even if no one reads it. It makes me feel both better and worse to know that there are women out there who have been through similar things. Also I got a progesterone shot today and they really play havoc on my emotions. But I want so badly to get excited, to tell the world, to buy baby things. and I only have a few more weeks before I'm out of the first trimester. Then we'll feel better. Its hard to not look at baby things and not to pick out names, but its also hard to. Sorry if this has been rambling or repetitive or self absorbed. I just wanted to express myself semi-anonymously.
We're due Oct 9th, I think he/she looks like a little elephant https://i44.tinypic.com/j73uwh.jpg
We're due Oct 9th, I think he/she looks like a little elephant https://i44.tinypic.com/j73uwh.jpg
