Is a relationship with grandparents important?

[EcoMama]

I had a very light relationship with my grandparents.... We would be taken to visit them as children but they never actively did much with us/take us out/look after us. It was more, go round and watch a bit of telly, have some lunch and go home.... At age 11 we moved further away and then only saw them once every couple months.

I have no lasting memories with gp were I thought they played an important role in my childhood.

Because there wasn't really a close relationship between me and my gp, the same has naturally happened with my dc and my mum... She loves them and we see her every 3 months or so (she lives 4hrs away), but the relationship is very light again... My dc don't go on trips with her or spoilt by her and I've noticed as my ds has gotten older he's not that fussed about the visits..... My mum and I have little in common so we're happy just to get on with our own lives.

My oh parents are a bit different, they have always been keen on seeing dc as much as possible, they too live 4 hours away but try to visit every month for a couple of days, which to be honest I find stifling! They spoil dc with presents/chocs whenever they come but don't actively do much with them unless we (me and oh) organise a day out, they'd rather just hang about the house. My ds loves it when they come as he knows he'll get spoilt! But doesn't see them as other people to play with, and the excitement wears off when they sit down and get the newspaper out!... Again oh and I have very little in common with them and never saw them before dc were born (I'd only met them once in 7 years)

So I'm kind of wondering what is the point of gp?.... Should mine be playing a bigger role in dc life? Tbh, I find it a complete pain and very overwhelming that inlaws come and stay every month, when none of us have got anything in common and it just seems like it's something we have to do rather than want!

 

[tallybee]

I think it's totally down to the families involved and what works for everyone. If you're not happy with the dynamic with certain family then the only thing to do is communicate respectfully with each other and try and reach a solution /compromise.

Children will pick up on resentment and bad feelings far more than they'll be bothered by specific arrangements of seeing grandparents. I think u and oh need to work out what would suit your family and go from there

 

[EcoMama]

Yeah, i kind of feel guilty that dc don't see my mum much, as that seems to be the norm... Even using skype for more contact. But we are all happy with this arrangement.
And I'm starting to resent mil as she will complain if I'm working or we've got stuff on meaning she may have to wait 2 months until coming down!

 

[Cattia]

It sounds as though it isn't working for you so maybe you need to change something. Maybe you could tell them in advance what your schedule is so they can fit in around it, or maybe go to see them once in a while so you don't always have to entertain them in your house? I don't think there is any right or wrong when it comes to grandparents as it depends so much on the family dynamic. My parents do the school run three times a week and have my children for a day when I am working. They live five minutes away and have a very close relationship with my kids, although my mum is the one who does all the work, my dad is very hands off and a bit lazy although he does love them. To me it's really important, as I loved my grandparents (especially on my dad's side) but because they lived a long way away we only saw them about three times a year. They spoilt us a lot, took us out on treats and bought us loads of stuff. My parents don't do that so much with my kids because they are involved in their day to day care. My DH's parents have both passed away so there is no relationship on that side which I feel is a shame.

 

[EcoMama]

Yeah I do wonder how I'd feel if we lived just down the road! I mention it to my oh and he laughs saying I'd hate it, but actually I reckon it'd be less full on than what it feels now.
I think his parents, his mum in particular, feels guilty that she doesn't see the kids as often as say one of her friends does (who has grandchildren on the doorstep).... So she is trying to counter act this by visiting regularly and staying for a couple to 5 days at a time. It's great that she wants to see them so much, but it does cut in to our routines alot esp as ds is in school fulltime and oh works away for 2 weeks at a time so he feels like his parents are there every time he's off and we never get a decent family weekend together (he travels on the other weekends)
Whereas my mum I think is glad that we don't live on the doorstep, as my sis does and she complains that she is asked to drive her places/watch her dc for half an hr etc.

 

[EcoMama]

But I feel guilty for thinking about not wanting gp to visit as much. Is it me being selfish as dc love seeing them!

 

[Bex84]

To be honest I think its what works. I grew up seeing the two grandparents I had everyday. One lived with us and the other we visits led each day. My dh saw his rarely. My grandparents were more like second parents. I get upset as mine and dhs parents see dd and ds once a month if that, and that's are effort. Both are an hour away but they don't make effort to see them and they don't really ask after them. I can't force relationship so given up to be honest. I take them as much as can with constraints on grandparents time. I make effort to ring and try update but I just have to content myself we are always there for children and try make support network where we are. My children have never been looked after by grandparents. I would just do what you can but sometimes these things are hard to change

 

[RachA]

For me a relationship with grandparents is really important. But then to me family is way more important than friends in general.
My two spend time each week at both sets of grandparents.

I guess where they are local and see them so often they don't just get given things and spoilt. But if they only saw them once over few months it wouldn't bother me if they did get a little spoilt.

For me it's natural for them to have a relationship with their grandparents because I have a relationship with my parents and oh with his and we see them do the children obviously will.

It's also important for me that they have a relationship with them because if anything ever happened to me and oh then someone would have to look after them and the grandparents would be involved. It doesn't bare thinking about that just when they loose their parents they then go and live with someone they hardly know.

 

[Bex84]

For me a relationship with grandparents is really important. But then to me family is way more important than friends in general.
My two spend time each week at both sets of grandparents.

I guess where they are local and see them so often they don't just get given things and spoilt. But if they only saw them once over few months it wouldn't bother me if they did get a little spoilt.

For me it's natural for them to have a relationship with their grandparents because I have a relationship with my parents and oh with his and we see them do the children obviously will.

It's also important for me that they have a relationship with them because if anything ever happened to me and oh then someone would have to look after them and the grandparents would be involved. It doesn't bare thinking about that just when they loose their parents they then go and live with someone they hardly know.

I wish our parents would feel same as you. I wish my children had a chance to have good relationship with our parents. Mine wouldn't even come down when I gave birth to look after eldest, luckily my sister offered when in labor. With our parents its pure lazyness. I'm sure they love our 2 but don't want to take time out for them

 

[RachA]

For me a relationship with grandparents is really important. But then to me family is way more important than friends in general.
My two spend time each week at both sets of grandparents.

I guess where they are local and see them so often they don't just get given things and spoilt. But if they only saw them once over few months it wouldn't bother me if they did get a little spoilt.

For me it's natural for them to have a relationship with their grandparents because I have a relationship with my parents and oh with his and we see them do the children obviously will.

It's also important for me that they have a relationship with them because if anything ever happened to me and oh then someone would have to look after them and the grandparents would be involved. It doesn't bare thinking about that just when they loose their parents they then go and live with someone they hardly know.

I wish our parents would feel same as you. I wish my children had a chance to have good relationship with our parents. Mine wouldn't even come down when I gave birth to look after eldest, luckily my sister offered when in labor. With our parents its pure lazyness. I'm sure they love our 2 but don't want to take time out for them

That must be so hard for you. I know how fortunate I am to have so much family close by. Not that distance is a major factor, or rather it shouldn't be, when you want to see them.
It's great your sister helped you out

 

[EcoMama]

Oh I have no issues with gp spoiling them as it's only once a month (although I am worried that ds is becoming expectant!) But as he gets older I will explain the importance of being grateful.
I do feel bad as I think it's me that has the issues with gps and how much of an input they ahould have on dc lives. I want them to have a relationship I just don't want it to get in the way of our family time x

 

[Bex84]

I think that is difficult. For us the weekends are when our children can have some time with daddy and he will have one day of weekend doing paper work. In week he is back not long before bed time. When we travel to parents that's the day gone as in laws want us to see their friends and I go see my grandma when see parents. Its a balancing act of allowing our family time and being able to get supermarket shop done and going to see parents. I would love my parents to be more involved and as much as mil irritates me her and fil to. We have had conversation of how far do we go to encourage relationship. We can't always afford to be only ones travelling plus my youngest hates car, I ring my parents most nights but they don't ring me. The last time we had parents at our home was when my youngest was born before that was my daughters 2nd birthday in 2013. I just make sure grand parents know welcome. Don't blame yourself. At end of day grand parents have to help with process to

 

[AngelofTroy]

My parents see our son a lot, I think they've only gone more than a week if one of us was on holiday!! My dad watches Micah for 3 hours a week when OH and my shifts overlap, and my mum helps us out often. They are both keen to babysit and would do anything for us/Micah. We are incredibly lucky.

OH's parents love him but they're not as hands on. They see him every couple of months I would guess. They see their granddaughter every day as they do the school run, she stays with them several times a week.

 

[Abigailly]

Honestly, to me they re one of the most important relationships. With my grandparents I had one set I wasn't as close to. They were very 'old' though. My mum was one of the youngest and they had her in their 40s and then my mum had me at 30. Where as my dad's parents are a few years younger and although we never lived near them I am so close to them. We go see them (5 hour drive) several times a year and I call them least once a week. They're just like grandparents to my daughter too.

She's also incredibly close to all her grandparents. My mum and her partner live a 5 minutes drive away so we see them regularly. They treat Niamh how I would. She's spoilt but they respect my wishes and don't give sweets etc. My dad lives in China with his partner and we only see them 3 times a year. However we Skype them a couple of times a week. And bring them along on Skype to anything special (they watched her Christmas concert via Skype). hen we see them they emotionally spoil her. She's the apple of their eye as she in the only grandchild for both of them and my step siblings are 10 and 14 so both of them dote on her.

But her real special relationships are with my MIL and FIL. As we are currently in Scotland and them Ireland it's a 9 hour journey to see them. And we do it about 6 times a year and they come over a few times. And they do spoil Niamh. Feed her shite, let her do as she pleases etc.But when we live near them (we have a house over there and stay for the summer) they treat her as they would her own. Discipline her, feed her well etc.

I couldn't imagine not having any of them in her life.

 

[seoj]

It's very personal- and truly depends on the family... but, with that said- for me, YES, it's important. I didn't grow up around my extended family- so our visits were few and far between. I can't say it bothered me much growing up- as it's what I knew, but looking back, I wish I'd lived closer. I still love them- and cherish the times we do have- but it's not enough. They live states away though- so it's not so easy to find the time. I cannot imagine my kids not being around mine and OH extended families though.

I was crushed when my Mom passed too young (at 64) just over 2yrs ago- and my LO was barely 16mos at the time. So she will never get a chance to have that bond with my Mom. The one I want to have with both my girls as they continue to grow. She still see's my Dad/Step-mom a few times a year (they live a few hours away) and I love that time. Both my girls are very close to OH's Mom/Dad. Especially his Mom- as she does child care 2 days a week with LO. I love it.

IDK- I think you just do what makes sense for your family. I'm not saying force a bond that isn't there- but it's certainly good to nurture those relationships with close family and friends.

 

[Septie]

Would you prefer if your inlaws came down if your OH isn't there on occasion? If so, that's something you could ask for, to allow for father - son bonding time.
Other than that, I do think a kid's relationship to his her grandparents is important, and I think it's great that your inlaws are making an effort to travel such a long way so often...If I were the MIL (and I probably will be some day!), I would be very upset to be denied that contact with my grandkids. I WISH my parents and our inlaws were making more of an effort. I skype with my parents regularly, but the one week my mother came to visit (from Europe to the US) was too boring for her last year (I was sick so couldn't entertain her), almost a year ago. She still complains about the boredom, and jokes all the time that she is so happy that we live far away. My inlaws haven't been here in well over a year (it's a 7 our car ride, or a couple of hours flight). They are elderly, but refuse to fly here (they do fly to Europe every year however...). I find it all very sad. With both families, we are expected to do all the travelling.

 

[Smille24]

It depends on the family and their history. For me, I only had 1 grandparent and she basically raised me until I started school bc my parents both worked a lot. She was a very important person in my life and I loved spending time with her. My fondest memories are of her cracking up while watching the Golden Girls.

Now that I'm a mom, I want the same relationship for my DD with her grandparents. My ILs and my mom and her partner see my DD at least once a month depending on how busy we are. She adores them. My MIL sometimes spoils her but it's gotten better over the years. I think in the beginning she was just super excited to be a first time gma.

It is my father who is the issue. Since my parents split up 3 yrs ago, my father has seen my DD a handful of times and he lives 20 min away. He never calls to check on her and if it weren't for me calling him I'd never talk to him. He doesn't want bothered. My DD asked me once why he doesn't love her like her other gps. That broke my heart. I have come to the conclusion that he only cares about himself and I'm done bothering to have a relationship with him.

I can see how ILs staying at your place once a month could get annoying. Maybe you could politely ask if they could change it to every other month. Or maybe your child could stay with them once on awhile to give you a break.

 

[sethsmummy]

i think it differs per family. i had quite a good relationship with my grandparent when i was younger.. but my parents and dh's parents hardly see our children and never do anything with them.

my folks come every 2 months or so (saw them every day when ds3 was in hospital but he was critical) but theyre only here for an hour and never do anything. my folks have had ds1 overnight once at 2 weeks old, 4 hours at 1 year old and then 4 hours while i had a c-section and thats it. they have my sisters kids often. they live 45 mins away tops

The inlaws come maybe once every year to year and a half... they didnt even bother coming to see ds3 in hospital even though there was a chance he wouldnt make it. when they do come they arrive in the afternoon 2/3pm... wind the kids up something rotten and do things with ds1 we tell her not to (last time she kept pulling his hands away from his ears which is his coping mechanism when anxious).. they leave at 6ish for their hotel.. then come bk for an hour in the morning before heading home. they live 2.5 hours away.

 

[oliv]

Its totally down to the families. My parents and Ohs parents are very active in DDs life. She sees them 6/7 days a week. I would also have seen both sets of my grandparents every weeks and I miss them so much now they passed away. OH saw his grandparents every week too and misses them too.

I love that my DD is so close to her grandparents I wouldn't want it any other way. Its also part of the grandparent handbook to spoil the grandkids lol