yellowyamyam
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2010
- Messages
- 289
- Reaction score
- 0
I have been typing/retyping this post in the last few days... I don't know if I should lay it all out or just swallow it and get on with things.
So here goes the story ...
We lost our son on Monday, 19 December 2011 at approximately 7.30pm at home. It was very quick and painless. I was sitting on the breakfast bar while waiting for my dinner to heat up when suddenly, I felt a 'pop' and water gushed out. I went to the toilet as quickly as I could. When no more water was coming out of me, I felt a pressure down there and I pushed lightly. I looked down and there they were... two tiniest feet ever sticking out of me. I screamed and screamed and screamed for 30 seconds or a minute or however long it was. A sudden reality smacked me in the head and I thought to myself - I had to do something about this. I was alone and nobody else can help me.
My mobile was in the kitchen and the landline was nearest to me so I walked to grab the phone as quickly as I could and went back to the toilet. I dialed 999 and told the guy that I was 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was giving birth to my baby in the toilet. He argued with me that at 16 1/2 weeks, baby wasn't formed enough for me to identify feet were sticking out of me. I told him I swear I saw feet. I, of course didn't dare to look down again...
He explained that because it was rush-hour and they had a lot of emergency calls that evening, no ambulance was available around our area. He was nice enough to stay with me on the phone; he even tried calling my husband. I explained to him that hubby had called in the afternoon to say his mobile was going to die soon and he had his work Christmas party that evening. True enough the 999 guy couldn't get in touch with hubby. About 10 minutes into the phone call, a sudden gush out of me again and ... again, I screamed and screamed and screamed and I said to the 999 guy that the baby is out in the toilet. He said to try to get a neighbour to stay with me so I won't be alone. I was reluctant to let any neighbour to see me in that state but I listened to him. I wanted to wipe myself clean when I felt the cord. Again, screamer me ...
Then he said there was an ambulance coming to me about 3 miles away. Very quickly, I thought ... how the hell will the paramedics come into the house?! The horror image in my head ... I confirmed with the 999 guy of what I had to do when the paramedics arrived at our house. He said I had to. I really had to. He told me the ambulance has arrived and I had to open the door for them. I took a deep breath, put the phone down and while screaming/crying, I took as much tissue roll as possible, reached down between me and carried my baby, walked to the door (luckily not too far about 7-8 steps) and opened the door for the paramedics. For a split second when I reached down for my baby, I looked down and I will never ever forget what I saw.
The paramedics cut the cord and I started bleeding a lot. I was taken to the hospital and with the help of one of the paramedics to get my mobile, I managed to track down hubby's colleague who told hubby to contact me.
In the A&E, the doctor said my placenta was still very high up so they had to give me something. After about 4 hours later, I was still bleeding heavily and they were about to push me to the theatre... the doc said "one last try" to remove the placenta manually. Luckily, my body listened; though I had to endure the pain when the doc scraped it out of me, I was glad surgery was not needed.
When I was resting in the ward, a nurse came and asked if I would like to see my baby one last time. I was terrified because what I saw for a split second was not an image of a baby. I asked the nurse if the baby looked like a baby. She said yes and she would make it as pleasant as possible. When she brought him to me, I cried, of course... He didn't have any skin yet but he had toes and fingers already. Though not much of a face, he had eyes and nose tip and outline of a mouth. Hubby didn't want a private funeral so we opted for the hospital to arrange the cremation. Hubby seems detached from the whole situation maybe because he didn't see the baby. He didn't want to. I didn't want him to too because I didn't want him to remember our baby as a skinless, faceless child. I wasn't sure if he was strong enough for that.
I feel so sorry that I "rejected" him when he came out of me. I regret that I did not step up and kept him warm while waiting for the ambulance.
I don't know if it is normal to act how I am now; I am normal, only sudden burst of tears once/twice a day. I can laugh and have conversations with people. Here I am with the in-laws for Christmas and everyone acts like nothing had happened. I know it is their style - don't ask, hush hush and things will disappear. But as much as I don't want to say it, we had our son even though he was only 16 weeks 5 days old... and I don't want the family to celebrate Christmas as though he didn't appear in my life, at the very least.
My family is far away but they have been checking up on me daily, asking me questions, etc. Here with hubby's family, it's all hush hush. I feel so awkward. They have no idea what had happened. Hubby only told them that I had a miscarriage. They know I was hospitalized a night but nothing more. I want them to know but hubby said to spare them from the details. They are far too polite to ask me for any details so either I tell them or they will never know.
Is it fair for me to remind them of my baby this Christmas? It somewhat bothers me that they could go on being jolly with Christmas spirits but on the other hand, I don't want to spoil it for everyone.
What am I to do?
So here goes the story ...
We lost our son on Monday, 19 December 2011 at approximately 7.30pm at home. It was very quick and painless. I was sitting on the breakfast bar while waiting for my dinner to heat up when suddenly, I felt a 'pop' and water gushed out. I went to the toilet as quickly as I could. When no more water was coming out of me, I felt a pressure down there and I pushed lightly. I looked down and there they were... two tiniest feet ever sticking out of me. I screamed and screamed and screamed for 30 seconds or a minute or however long it was. A sudden reality smacked me in the head and I thought to myself - I had to do something about this. I was alone and nobody else can help me.
My mobile was in the kitchen and the landline was nearest to me so I walked to grab the phone as quickly as I could and went back to the toilet. I dialed 999 and told the guy that I was 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was giving birth to my baby in the toilet. He argued with me that at 16 1/2 weeks, baby wasn't formed enough for me to identify feet were sticking out of me. I told him I swear I saw feet. I, of course didn't dare to look down again...
He explained that because it was rush-hour and they had a lot of emergency calls that evening, no ambulance was available around our area. He was nice enough to stay with me on the phone; he even tried calling my husband. I explained to him that hubby had called in the afternoon to say his mobile was going to die soon and he had his work Christmas party that evening. True enough the 999 guy couldn't get in touch with hubby. About 10 minutes into the phone call, a sudden gush out of me again and ... again, I screamed and screamed and screamed and I said to the 999 guy that the baby is out in the toilet. He said to try to get a neighbour to stay with me so I won't be alone. I was reluctant to let any neighbour to see me in that state but I listened to him. I wanted to wipe myself clean when I felt the cord. Again, screamer me ...
Then he said there was an ambulance coming to me about 3 miles away. Very quickly, I thought ... how the hell will the paramedics come into the house?! The horror image in my head ... I confirmed with the 999 guy of what I had to do when the paramedics arrived at our house. He said I had to. I really had to. He told me the ambulance has arrived and I had to open the door for them. I took a deep breath, put the phone down and while screaming/crying, I took as much tissue roll as possible, reached down between me and carried my baby, walked to the door (luckily not too far about 7-8 steps) and opened the door for the paramedics. For a split second when I reached down for my baby, I looked down and I will never ever forget what I saw.
The paramedics cut the cord and I started bleeding a lot. I was taken to the hospital and with the help of one of the paramedics to get my mobile, I managed to track down hubby's colleague who told hubby to contact me.
In the A&E, the doctor said my placenta was still very high up so they had to give me something. After about 4 hours later, I was still bleeding heavily and they were about to push me to the theatre... the doc said "one last try" to remove the placenta manually. Luckily, my body listened; though I had to endure the pain when the doc scraped it out of me, I was glad surgery was not needed.
When I was resting in the ward, a nurse came and asked if I would like to see my baby one last time. I was terrified because what I saw for a split second was not an image of a baby. I asked the nurse if the baby looked like a baby. She said yes and she would make it as pleasant as possible. When she brought him to me, I cried, of course... He didn't have any skin yet but he had toes and fingers already. Though not much of a face, he had eyes and nose tip and outline of a mouth. Hubby didn't want a private funeral so we opted for the hospital to arrange the cremation. Hubby seems detached from the whole situation maybe because he didn't see the baby. He didn't want to. I didn't want him to too because I didn't want him to remember our baby as a skinless, faceless child. I wasn't sure if he was strong enough for that.
I feel so sorry that I "rejected" him when he came out of me. I regret that I did not step up and kept him warm while waiting for the ambulance.
I don't know if it is normal to act how I am now; I am normal, only sudden burst of tears once/twice a day. I can laugh and have conversations with people. Here I am with the in-laws for Christmas and everyone acts like nothing had happened. I know it is their style - don't ask, hush hush and things will disappear. But as much as I don't want to say it, we had our son even though he was only 16 weeks 5 days old... and I don't want the family to celebrate Christmas as though he didn't appear in my life, at the very least.
My family is far away but they have been checking up on me daily, asking me questions, etc. Here with hubby's family, it's all hush hush. I feel so awkward. They have no idea what had happened. Hubby only told them that I had a miscarriage. They know I was hospitalized a night but nothing more. I want them to know but hubby said to spare them from the details. They are far too polite to ask me for any details so either I tell them or they will never know.
Is it fair for me to remind them of my baby this Christmas? It somewhat bothers me that they could go on being jolly with Christmas spirits but on the other hand, I don't want to spoil it for everyone.
What am I to do?
I cant even believe you are out and celebrating xmas just a few short days later 
I was still a wreck at home in tears and I too lost my daughter at 16 weeks 6 days. My situation was a bit different as we found out she had no HB and then I went in to have a D&C but still the pain in the same none the less. If you feel like you would like them to know by all means explain to them what happened. If you and your OH prefer to keep it private thats OK too... but I understand how that would be so hard to see them all behaving as if nothing just happened! Have they no sympathy at all? 
