Is it that unreasonable of me to want to work?!

[LankyDoodle]

I am sick of judgy parents tbh.

I work 4 days a week term time only, and maybe - just maybe - I will take on extra hours somewhere. We have just moved house and while we are not in debt and have an OK life, we get by. It would really help us as a family, for me to be earning more than the part time wage I am earning. It would help towards doing up our new shell of a house; it would help us enjoy the time we do spend together as a family. I also happen to enjoy working; I tried the childminder thing and I couldn't do it; having worked with children my entire working life, now being a teacher, I just couldn't do it, and my daughter was not getting any of me to herself. So I went back out to work after 6 months of that.

So I am happy with my decision to work; my husband is happy with this; my daughter is happy spending 3 days a week at nursery with her fabulous key worker whom she adores, and a day a week with her granny running round their fields. She gets me to herself on a Friday, and then we have family time at the weekends. Moreover, I work only 39 weeks a bleddy year.

So why do other parents think it is their right/place to judge me and others like me who feel they need to work as well as wanting to work? I am sick of being told "your daughter won't care what money you have, she'd rather have you." Actually, I think my daughter would care, because I've been that child whose mother didn't have two pennies to rub together, had debt collectors constantly knocking, letters she left lying around that made me feel sick to the pit of my tummy thinking she'd be in prison, having little or no food because she couldn't afford it, wearing clothes and shoes that didn't fit until she could afford to replace them from the CHARITY SHOP! She retrained as a teacher later in my childhood, but even then my mum struggled as a single parent. I know lots of people struggle, but if we don't have to then I don't think we should just because some people in the perfect parent brigade think that theirs is the only way to do it. I want my daughter not to ever know what it feels like to get excited that her parents can afford to go food shopping, or over the moon that she has some clothes that fit. I want her to feel like that is just how it is - she gets fed and clothed and me and her dad have got that corner, she doesn't need to take it on her little shoulders. Is that not OK?!

 

[xxembobxx]

I love working too. At the moment it's just not financially feasible for me to go back but I am doing part-time work at home just so I have something for me. I love being me and not just mum/partner/housewife/cleaner etc.

I was brought up with a mum who was the higher earner and I respect her hugely. And I had a great childhood. Both parents worked full-time but I remember lots of camping trips and family time was cherished.
As a mum you can never please everybody - we all have differing views on what is best for family.
If you're happy, your child is happy and your partner is happy you don't need anyone else to be happy - it shouldn't be any of your concern

 

[jam-on-toast]

At last...Someone who feels the same as I do.

I love my child to the moon and back, but I returned to work when she was 18mths old (Now 4). I have always worked from leaving school and I spent the first 18mths as a SAHM with her, but always felt the need to be back out in the workforce.

Did I feel guilty leaving her?! Of course I bloody did, I love her to bits, but also needed my independence and financial freedom.

I enjoyed my job, I'm good in my field and earned a heck of a lot of money and kind of felt uncomfortable not earning and being referred to as a kept woman, although that was never indicated to me by my husband, it was rather the way I felt.

I was severely judged by the women in the country we lived in at the time and ousted from playgroup meeting due to it as it was deemed the woman's place to stay at home raise the child and keep the house - well I was doing that anyway whilst working-what was the problem?!

I'd rather work and feel happy with the knowledge that I'm providing for my daughter, we're living very comfortably, I can save and keep us in the lifestyle we like to live.

I say sod the haters, and enjoy living the way you do regardless of your situation. xxx

Also wanted to add that I've recently returned to college to study as a Teacher so I can spend more time with my daughter in the holidays when I qualify!

 

[LPF]

I despise all the non working martyrs and their 'my child needs ME not a childminder and they love me more for it' crap and claim every benefit under the sun while they do it.

I've loads of people look down their nose at me for working 3 days a week in a profession I love and worked hard to do while lo has tons of fun at nursery which he talks about constantly. 2 days a week I'm at home with lo doing lots of activities, weekends with mummy and daddy and all school holidays are with daddy (and me) because he's a teacher.

I'm proud of how well we manage a working household. My lo is happy, very ahead of development, well adjusted and just lovely. I'm proud I have a good career that he will see as the norm for women to have careers and not to just be mums and I'm also proud that we can afford a nice house, nice cars, a holiday to Florida next year, annual pass to the zoo, regular jaunts to interesting places, good food, clothes and shoes when needed, treats and nice things when we want them.

Funnily enough my parents had us very young and they were very poor too. I remember the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes that tasted disgusted because we couldn't afford anything else, having to wear my older brothers shirts for school, really cheap trainers for PE that would fall apart and not be replaced etc. My mum got a career later in life but because of this, she has to work full time in the prime of her are er when she should be considering retiring.

Ignore people's comments - or as I do, give them a mental slap!!!

 

[nikkiburke]

No it's definitely not. It's not about being selfish, it's about going after what you want and being happy.

 

[presley1]

You are definitely not being unreasonable! I'm a working mom and my mother was as well. A happy mom makes a happy baby.

 

[Gbobs]

As the previous posters have said you're not unreasonable at all!

I'm a SAHM. My husband earns a decent wage which means we can manage fairly ok on his one wage. My decision to not go back to work was a real dilemma, I enjoyed my job (as much as you can enjoy a 9-5 office job!) but the commute I hated as it was 1.5hrs each way and this was the decision swayer as the money I would get post travel/nursery expenses just seemed pointless for all that effort and travelling.

However after 17 months of being off and home with LO, I feel like I'm going stir crazy sometimes. I do love that I can be with LO but miss the working life and part of me wishes I had at least tried going back part time to see how it would work. Then, of course there are the feelings that I'm a "kept" woman which I am not that comfortable with even if OH is. I do worry sometimes tha even though I wasn't a massively career hungry person, that I studied at Uni, worked for years to do well and have thrown that away. I just can't imagine going back into the corporate world having had years of being out of it and looking after children.

I've decided I want to start a work from home business which is keeping my interest up and giving me something for ME. I certainly don't judge working mums at all, in fact I see it more as norm to continue working part time and part of me is really jealous!

 

[Piggywinkle]

I despise all the non working martyrs and their 'my child needs ME not a childminder and they love me more for it' crap and claim every benefit under the sun while they do it.

I've loads of people look down their nose at me for working 3 days a week in a profession I love and worked hard to do while lo has tons of fun at nursery which he talks about constantly. 2 days a week I'm at home with lo doing lots of activities, weekends with mummy and daddy and all school holidays are with daddy (and me) because he's a teacher.

I'm proud of how well we manage a working household. My lo is happy, very ahead of development, well adjusted and just lovely. I'm proud I have a good career that he will see as the norm for women to have careers and not to just be mums and I'm also proud that we can afford a nice house, nice cars, a holiday to Florida next year, annual pass to the zoo, regular jaunts to interesting places, good food, clothes and shoes when needed, treats and nice things when we want them.

Funnily enough my parents had us very young and they were very poor too. I remember the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes that tasted disgusted because we couldn't afford anything else, having to wear my older brothers shirts for school, really cheap trainers for PE that would fall apart and not be replaced etc. My mum got a career later in life but because of this, she has to work full time in the prime of her are er when she should be considering retiring.

Ignore people's comments - or as I do, give them a mental slap!!!

Bit of a shame that a thread about people judging working mothers has inadvertently turned into one judging SAHMs.

Makes me feel like sh*t now that we can only afford to shop at Aldi in case my LO tells people in the future about 'the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes.'

 

[LPF]

I despise all the non working martyrs and their 'my child needs ME not a childminder and they love me more for it' crap and claim every benefit under the sun while they do it.

I've loads of people look down their nose at me for working 3 days a week in a profession I love and worked hard to do while lo has tons of fun at nursery which he talks about constantly. 2 days a week I'm at home with lo doing lots of activities, weekends with mummy and daddy and all school holidays are with daddy (and me) because he's a teacher.

I'm proud of how well we manage a working household. My lo is happy, very ahead of development, well adjusted and just lovely. I'm proud I have a good career that he will see as the norm for women to have careers and not to just be mums and I'm also proud that we can afford a nice house, nice cars, a holiday to Florida next year, annual pass to the zoo, regular jaunts to interesting places, good food, clothes and shoes when needed, treats and nice things when we want them.

Funnily enough my parents had us very young and they were very poor too. I remember the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes that tasted disgusted because we couldn't afford anything else, having to wear my older brothers shirts for school, really cheap trainers for PE that would fall apart and not be replaced etc. My mum got a career later in life but because of this, she has to work full time in the prime of her are er when she should be considering retiring.

Ignore people's comments - or as I do, give them a mental slap!!!

Bit of a shame that a thread about people judging working mothers has inadvertently turned into one judging SAHMs.

Makes me feel like sh*t now that we can only afford to shop at Aldi in case my LO tells people in the future about 'the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes.'

Only SAHMs who say comments like what I quoted in a bid to undermine your relationship with your child - if you're guilty of that - consider yourself slated. I can't tell you how crap it feels to be told your child will love you less because you went back to work.

When I was child going into kwiksave on the square in front of all my friends laughing at me and had to serve disgusting cornflakes at sleepovers - it made me really sad. Please don't use my feelings about a memory to make this it about yourself. My situation was probably very different and I don't like being made to feel like my memories and feelings have made you 'feel like sh*t'

 

[Piggywinkle]

I despise all the non working martyrs and their 'my child needs ME not a childminder and they love me more for it' crap and claim every benefit under the sun while they do it.

I've loads of people look down their nose at me for working 3 days a week in a profession I love and worked hard to do while lo has tons of fun at nursery which he talks about constantly. 2 days a week I'm at home with lo doing lots of activities, weekends with mummy and daddy and all school holidays are with daddy (and me) because he's a teacher.

I'm proud of how well we manage a working household. My lo is happy, very ahead of development, well adjusted and just lovely. I'm proud I have a good career that he will see as the norm for women to have careers and not to just be mums and I'm also proud that we can afford a nice house, nice cars, a holiday to Florida next year, annual pass to the zoo, regular jaunts to interesting places, good food, clothes and shoes when needed, treats and nice things when we want them.

Funnily enough my parents had us very young and they were very poor too. I remember the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes that tasted disgusted because we couldn't afford anything else, having to wear my older brothers shirts for school, really cheap trainers for PE that would fall apart and not be replaced etc. My mum got a career later in life but because of this, she has to work full time in the prime of her are er when she should be considering retiring.

Ignore people's comments - or as I do, give them a mental slap!!!

Bit of a shame that a thread about people judging working mothers has inadvertently turned into one judging SAHMs.

Makes me feel like sh*t now that we can only afford to shop at Aldi in case my LO tells people in the future about 'the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes.'

Only SAHMs who say comments like what I quoted in a bid to undermine your relationship with your child - if you're guilty of that - consider yourself slated. I can't tell you how crap it feels to be told your child will love you less because you went back to work.

When I was child going into kwiksave on the square in front of all my friends laughing at me and had to serve disgusting cornflakes at sleepovers - it made me really sad. Please don't use my feelings about a memory to make this it about yourself. My situation was probably very different and I don't like being made to feel like my memories and feelings have made you 'feel like sh*t'

It may seem hard to believe, but I was trying to point out how judgemental your post sounded. You rightfully feel offended when someone questions your parenting choice of returning to work - you do what makes you and your family happy. I've got no problem with that. I also want to put the other side of the story across. A lot of working mothers judge me for being a SAHM and therefore not being able to afford holidays, nice clothes etc. and this makes me feel like sh*t. I can't help that, and that's not your fault. It doesn't help when people say things like I'm 'just a mum' though, like I'm falling short and failing at life somehow.

It works both ways. As long as we're all doing the best job we can with the resources we've got, then why should any of us mothers have a problem with each other?

 

[LPF]

I despise all the non working martyrs and their 'my child needs ME not a childminder and they love me more for it' crap and claim every benefit under the sun while they do it.

I've loads of people look down their nose at me for working 3 days a week in a profession I love and worked hard to do while lo has tons of fun at nursery which he talks about constantly. 2 days a week I'm at home with lo doing lots of activities, weekends with mummy and daddy and all school holidays are with daddy (and me) because he's a teacher.

I'm proud of how well we manage a working household. My lo is happy, very ahead of development, well adjusted and just lovely. I'm proud I have a good career that he will see as the norm for women to have careers and not to just be mums and I'm also proud that we can afford a nice house, nice cars, a holiday to Florida next year, annual pass to the zoo, regular jaunts to interesting places, good food, clothes and shoes when needed, treats and nice things when we want them.

Funnily enough my parents had us very young and they were very poor too. I remember the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes that tasted disgusted because we couldn't afford anything else, having to wear my older brothers shirts for school, really cheap trainers for PE that would fall apart and not be replaced etc. My mum got a career later in life but because of this, she has to work full time in the prime of her are er when she should be considering retiring.

Ignore people's comments - or as I do, give them a mental slap!!!

Bit of a shame that a thread about people judging working mothers has inadvertently turned into one judging SAHMs.

Makes me feel like sh*t now that we can only afford to shop at Aldi in case my LO tells people in the future about 'the shame of having to go into the 'cheap' supermarket and by horrible cheap corn flakes.'

Only SAHMs who say comments like what I quoted in a bid to undermine your relationship with your child - if you're guilty of that - consider yourself slated. I can't tell you how crap it feels to be told your child will love you less because you went back to work.

When I was child going into kwiksave on the square in front of all my friends laughing at me and had to serve disgusting cornflakes at sleepovers - it made me really sad. Please don't use my feelings about a memory to make this it about yourself. My situation was probably very different and I don't like being made to feel like my memories and feelings have made you 'feel like sh*t'

It may seem hard to believe, but I was trying to point out how judgemental your post sounded. You rightfully feel offended when someone questions your parenting choice of returning to work - you do what makes you and your family happy. I've got no problem with that. I also want to put the other side of the story across. A lot of working mothers judge me for being a SAHM and therefore not being able to afford holidays, nice clothes etc. and this makes me feel like sh*t. I can't help that, and that's not your fault. It doesn't help when people say things like I'm 'just a mum' though, like I'm falling short and failing at life somehow.

It works both ways. As long as we're all doing the best job we can with the resources we've got, then why should any of us mothers have a problem with each other?

I still don't really understand why you've come on a post of people looking for support about working mothers and the attitudes we face and venting about that and making it about how you feel about being a SAHM. It feels like working mums can't come on here and vent about how they feel now which wasn't the point of the post.

 

[Piggywinkle]

Can't support be given to the OP without necessarily putting somebody else down? I think it's great that she has found a good work/life balance, as with the other posters on here. If people want to put her down for doing her best as a mother, then she should ignore them.

However, it would be wrong of me not to fight my corner as a SAHM when I feel like my choice is being judged unfairly. I respect women who choose to return to work, just as much as I respect SAHMs. Making either decision isn't easy.

Apart from that, I think we'll have to agree to disagree otherwise we're going around in circles.

 

[leelee]

Can't support be given to the OP without necessarily putting somebody else down? I think it's great that she has found a good work/life balance, as with the other posters on here. If people want to put her down for doing her best as a mother, then she should ignore them.

However, it would be wrong of me not to fight my corner as a SAHM when I feel like my choice is being judged unfairly. I respect women who choose to return to work, just as much as I respect SAHMs. Making either decision isn't easy.

Apart from that, I think we'll have to agree to disagree otherwise we're going around in circles.

I agree with you Piggywinkle. I think LPF was quite harsh in what she said in a previous post.

I am a bit of both. Lol! I am a SAHM at the moment (DS - 2.5yrs & DD - 13 months) but am going back to work 2 days a week in Jan 2013. I'll admit, some days I do feel like I am going a bit stir crazy with the same ol, same ol but I do have guilty feelings about leaving them with a childminder too. I did apply for a full time job in September and got through to the 2nd interview. In the end I withdrew because I couldn't face going back full time. It isn't for me. If we needed the money I would do it, but we will get by quite nicely with me doing just 2 days.

I think being a SAHM is the hardest job anyone could ever do and I am very proud of the job I do with my children.