Is parenting going to suck forever?

[babystrollerl]

After several years and two heartbreaking pregnancy losses, I am now the mother of a gorgeous 5-week-old boy. Unfortunately, I am finding myself becoming more and more miserable every day and I am starting to think that I've made a big mistake and that I am not cut out to be a parent at all. I think part of the problem is that breastfeeding has gone poorly from the very beginning, due to a number of different factors. He is about 50% breastfed right now, which is not the end of the world but not at all what I had planned on or hoped for. But even aside from our nursing struggles, I am finding that I just do not enjoy taking care of him and I'm not sure I really love him like I am supposed to. I spend all day alternating between boredom and frustration. Everyone said it would get so much better once he started to smile at me, but he started smiling for real this week and...it's cool and all, but it doesn't make me feel any better the other 98% of the time. To add insult to injury, my husband is adjusting marvelously, is totally in love, and always knows just what to do for the boy. I find that I am counting down the days until I go back to work and put my son in daycare. I really don't think I have postpartum depression--I have been depressed before, and this doesn't feel like that. I just think that I really have made a bad mistake and that I am too selfish and rigid to be a parent. What can I do to make this better? Will taking care of my son ever be less of a drag?

 

[Witchrose]

Hi,

First, please don't be so hard on yourself. There's no one right way to parent, or to feel. We all have different personalities, temperaments, and general lifestyle needs and wants. My guess is you are just comparing yourself to how you think you are supposed to be feeling/doing now. Don't. Let go of any "I planned to do this/that...blah blah." Go with the flow. Find what works for YOU.

Work on yourself now. Take care of yourself. It can't all be about the baby. You have to find some kind of healthy balance. You said you were bored. Why? What can you do to change that? for instance, if you like to read, you can do that when baby is down, or hold a book with one hand while you hold baby. Or listen to an audiobook. That's just an example.

Look at your husband and your schedules and see when you can have some go-out alone me- time.

All that kind of stuff helps.

I still do all the things I did before I had my son. Granted, I have less time, as does my husband, to enjoy my/our hobbies. But we do. We find it essential to our emotional health. And if we don't feel good, well, that affects the rest of the household.

I think once you start listening to your own needs and relaxing, you'll find the other things start coming together. Good luck!

 

[tobywells]

Oh, my wife used to have these feelings for a pretty long time. Almost 5 years. But my wife and I support each other and that really helps. Bringing a chocolate after work, making dishes, making house tidy, while she's with friends helped her to gain balance and to spend time for herself. She is a beautful and loving mom and I can only hope that you have possibilities and people around you to go though this hard time.

 

[sherwood]

EDIT: Whoops, didn’t realise this is a resurrected thread. I’ll leave my reply though, as it would have been useful when I felt this way.

Yes, it absolutely will get better. I promise.

I felt exactly how you do for the first 3 months of my daughter’s life. We had a rough start with feeding, plus she has bad reflux and it took forever to get her on a medicine that agreed with her. It was isolating and boring and endlessly frustrating ... and then all of a sudden it got better.

Smiling is a milestone for a lot of people and it was nice, but her first laughs felt much more significant to me. Five months was a total game changer for us. She was rolling and laughing and so much more fun. Now she’s sitting and starting to crawl and it’s so far removed from those early days I can barely believe it.

I know “it took a few months” is the last thing you want to hear, but once you’ve slogged through the ‘fourth trimester’ I bet you’ll feel much better. Take it day by day for now and if you’re feeling really low, consider seeing a doctor about the possibility of post natal depression.

Five weeks is so early and despite the myth that everyone feels absolute bliss from the moment of the birth, I imagine our feelings are very common. You’re doing great.

 

[veganmammy]

I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I hope you're feeling a little better now. I second the idea to have some alone time and do the things that make you happy. Too often, we get wrapped up in taking care of our baby and only doing things for the baby and we forget that we are our own people aswell, and we have our own needs! Sit and have a think about what makes you truly happy and do that, even if just for an afternoon or an hour.